Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

[July]

Hi, I am new to this but  need to talk to someone, anyone, I am a mother of 4 children , three adults ages 25, 29,32 and a 10 year old son from from second marriage. My eldest son was convicted of  a crime and is now in prison,he is 32 and the whole experience has devastated me , sitting through the trial I cried the whole two days everyone was looking at me  obviously knowing I was the mother ,then his sentencing was a day I shall never forget I had to write a letter to the judge about my son, about his drug use, about his father not being in his life since we divorced and his downfall, I also wrote about  how I loved him would stand by him, I'm sorry I failed him  and he turned to drugs too take away his pain, but underneath all that was a wonderful creative boy who just took a wrong turn, the judge  starting reading my letter word for word out to the court room, I looked at my beautiful boy and there were tears running down his face, I think he finally realised what he has done not only to himself but to me as his mother, that image is burned into my memory ,for once in my life I could not protect my child and it killed me, his sentence was given and they took him away, he will be released about september. I cannot tell  anyone and the stress is unbearable,I have to lie to people to excuse his absence , he is clean and sober now and has turned this life around he is doing all the courses to correct his life while in prison and is deeply regretful of his choices, I do not excuse his behaviour  but I am his mother and I have to stand by him, I look at all the other families visiting in prison and it is so sad it affects the whole family. This is the first time I have said this out aloud it is so hard to live with this "secret",I just don't know how to live with this.

[July]

Hi anne,

The visit went well, when he hugs me I hold him tight and at the same time I feel so sad that I've let him down some how, but I know in the back of my head he was his own undoing.

You are so brave to have gone through what you have and still have a relationship with your mother, thats a testament to your inner strength,I did not resolve anything with my mother before she died because like you the "damage" was done.

I can so relate to the comment about people making jokes and comments about prisons and criminals , they have no idea what so ever the hurt and pain and ....yes the shame its all there, that why I never told anyone about my situation because of just that.

Yes our prison system here is more "humane " than overseas, but prison is about rehabilitation and reward for good behaviour  as the majority of these people will be released at some time and they need to become functioning members of society, of course there is a number of people who will never be reformed, that why they stay in prison, but you can't "tar" everyone with the same brush.

Its great your oldest son is happy and working ,money isn't everything but happiness is, so he will be fine , I'm sure he has been affected by his brother in prison, I know one of my daughters has really been upset and distressed from her brothers time, but she has stuck by him the whole time and has been a great support to me and him.

Prison affects the whole family, its heartbreaking , confronting , soul destroying and takes you all on this roller coaster of emotions, you want to get off but you can't, it just drags you along.

I respect your decision to not visit your son, because you have to save yourself and maybe he just needs some"tough love" and he needs to know where you draw that line in the sand to. Maybe just keep some distance but reassure him of your love and   he will learn to respect that, you are always his mum, and he is always your son.

Take care of yourself, I hope others reading our posts have some empathy and insight into the other side of prison and what it does to the families, we don't expect sympathy for their mistakes..... just a little understanding for the mums left behind.

All the best

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Morning July

I know that feeling that you talk about when you go to see your child in prison, you hug them or give them a kiss and smile but inside you are dying but you can't show those feelings.

In relation to mum my dad died at 63,  I was about 33 and I missed out on so much with him.  I did feel resentful towards mum for so long and then decided she would not be around forever and I was missing out on her and missing out on a mother. Yes part of the resentment is still there but I try to put it away and enjoy her company.

My other son disowned his brother when he went to prison (he couldn't handle it) but then he did admit to me he felt responsible for his little brother because their father wasn't around.  I told him that in no way is he responsible for his brothers choices.

I'm lucky my family has been very supportive.  The last time my son came to a family Christmas everyone treated him the same as his brother, he was welcome and everyone was sad when they heard he was back in jail. He sent me a letter the day before Christmas last year to say he was back inside, I rang mum to tell her and she had the phone on speaker, unbeknown to me, and I broke down saying he was back inside so of course they heard it all. I suppose that was good as I didn't have to tell anyone they already knew.

The decision to not go and see him has been extremely difficult, all I want to do is wrap my arms around him but I can't, he doesn't want me to see him.  Maybe he is feeling guilty, I don't know.  It is tearing me apart to not know what he has done and not know how long he is going to be back inside but I have to put myself first and get on with my own life.

Our little conversation would be wonderful if it brought some insight to others and some empathy for what the families go through. People end up in prison from all types of families, rich and poor.

Take care July, nurture yourself as well as your family.

Anne

[A_Tech]

Hi everyone,

Ive been a member on this forum for only a month or so now, I mainly joined due to my PTSD which is a large part brought about by work.

Somehow I've managed to completly miss this thread, which is also directly related to what I'm going through. For me though, it's my brother, my best friend that is in prison. He has been there for just over two years now and his trial is not until this July.

We are from a family with 6 children, our beautiful baby sister passed away when she was three years old (1986), we were all young, around 8,10,12, and that's when life really changed. Our parents naturally fell apart, as I would if I lost my now 18yr old son, but they left us behind in their grief. 

The three older kids, myself and two of my brothers found it hardest and we all had moments of rebelling. My older brother and myself eventually sorted ourselves out with no real problems and have now settled down with families of our own. My younger brother, also a Peter, never could settle. He was at home the longest with all the dis function from our parents.

He to spent many years in and out of prison for smaller crimes, and then just over two years ago he was arrested for murder. Ever since we were teenagers, it's been me and Peter, the only ones each other could really trust! 

This has completely devastated me and my world has fallen apart!!! I too have said the words that I feel like I let him down. The last conversation we had before he was arrested, I knew something was wrong but he wouldn't tell me. I should have pushed harder, I should have made him come and stay with me at that point! I know none of that is realistic, but it's how I still feel.

The only good thing that has come from this, is that we now have our father and older brother back in our lives. I can't begin to explain what that means!!! Especially to Peter!  As for our mother, she walked away from Peter the day he was arrested, so we (father, two brothers and myself) have walked away from her, for good, in our hearts. 

In six weeks or so Peters fate will be determined by a jury and I have never been so scared in my life. He is also one of those kind, gentle people which is why I don't understand how it's got this far. 

Thank you for listening to my rambles, it's nice to be able to say these things without that judgement from others about me, the guilt by association!!

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi A tech, welcome but also sorry to see you here. I am sorry that you are happy to have found this thread, we can empathise with your plight.  Feel free to chat.

Lauren I did some investigating and now wonder if it was a good idea as I feel, devastated, overwhelmed, shattered, grief stricken, etc. etc. 

I rang the Magistrates Court and the man I spoke to flooded me with information. 

My son has a few minor charges but a major one.  He gave me a date but I  didn't really understand if that was the day my son appears in court or not. Unfortunately my instincts were right.  He was caught possessing and trafficking drugs.  No wonder he didn't tell me why he was back inside.

All I can think of is my little baby, my precious son will be locked away for a long time, I don't know exactly but it isn't good.

I can't even think straight.  I need to process.

Bye

Anne

[July]

Hi A tech,

I am glad you have found somewhere to talk , as this is a very emotional topic, and as you well know it affects everyone in the family.

We all have some family issues that may or may not have lead to our family members getting into trouble with the law, doesn't matter though it still hurts you, the feelings of guilt do run high, and I am sure they don't tell us everything because they are scared of hurting us and letting us down, but as they say "the truth shall set us free", never a more poetic saying.

As for your mum, don't worry she must have her own issues, but for now I would say try to be strong and support your brother, despite his crime he needs to know the whole world hasn't turned against him ,if he has any chance of trying to redeem himself  in prison and you know his sentence will be long....the punishment must fit the crime.

I know what you  mean when you say he was a kind person, if drugs/alcohol are involved  then it changes the whole dynamic  of the situation, I have met murderers in prison when I have seen my son and I couldn't believe how "nice and normal " they seemed, but we forget they are people who have made a terrible mistake and remember their are "two " families grieving in these prisons, the perpetrator's and the victim's.

Please feel free to chat anytime as we may only  be, the few people who "truly" understand where you are coming from ,and there is nothing you could have done to prevent his crime, that why we have free will  to make our own decisions good or bad.

You are in my thoughts,take care and let us know how you are going.

July 

[July]

Hi Anne,

So sorry to hear your other son felt he needed to take on the duty and responsibility of his father , a role many young men feel they need to fill, in the absence of their father. I hope your boys one day reunite ,because  it is in no way that one boy is responsible for the others mistakes.

Your sons drug charge is probably the reason he didn't tell you, he must have a conscience , because he didn't want to hurt you  again and make you feel let down by him, maybe a longer stay in prison will straighten him out this time, hopefully for your sake and his.

Take the time to sort all the issues out in your head, its hard because your mind tells you one thing  and your heart tells  you another and when its your own child , your heart takes over any way.

Its so hard to live day to day when your mind is consumed with problems and the situation is out of your control and I think thats the hardest part, you can't actually help, and for me that's what really hurts and makes me feel so distressed.

You are lucky you have family  support , I would give anything to have a family to fall back on, I feel everyone is leaning on me all the time and I'm only one person but I know I am that one special person to my son, and thats what keeps me going through this mess.

Take care 

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

I did post earlier but it was rejected by the moderators, I was really upset and obvioulsy said stuff I shouldn't have.

I have found out what the charges are and they are bad, all drug related, he could be doing heavy time.

I feel like I did the first time he went to jail, like its all happening again.

This time i am determined to go to court, I have found out when he will be sentenced and this time I will continue to ring to make sure I can be there.  Last time the brought forward his hearing and that is why I didn't get there.  I read it in the paper instead.

I am at my volunteer job and was talking privately to the manager and broke down, she has an idea of what I am going through so I am completely comfortable in talking to her.

My other son and i had a fair idea of what my youngest had done but to hear those words out of anothers mouth, well it has completely devastated me all over again.

I really don't know what else to say.  I can't sleep and food well I won't even go there.  I am trying to keep busy but my mind is constantly on my son and how long he may spend behind bars.

Anne

[July]

Hi anne,

I am so sorry you have to go through this again, this is every mothers nightmare, yes I would encourage you to go to court, to face it yourself  and for your son to see you and the pain he has caused, he needs to be responsible for his own actions and what it has done to those who love him.

As I have said in a previous post, when I wrote  a letter to the judge and she read it out in court in front of everyone, hard as it was, my  31 year old son cried, finally realising what he has done to himself ....and me, and it broke my heart but he needed to be accountable, theres no way he could have healed without the honesty that we now have between us, and believe me it has been so difficult to lay all our feelings out, and underneath it all , I know that my love has been his lifeline and he appreciates it.

Each persons journey is so different and you need to find your way, but to be let down again is sad, but don't give up the fight for him...and you.

It might take this prison sentence to sort him out , any addiction is a complex issue that needs compassion , work and  inner strength, and we all know he has to want it, so don't blame yourself ,he has made his own decisions and now he has to live with it.

I have doubts and worries about my son, when he's released and as the time gets closer, I am doing my best to be strong and confident , thats all we can do as mothers, be there through thick and thin.

I am still off work on stress leave, because of a work incident and my son being jailed around the same time, it just tipped me over the edge, I to, broke down in front of my boss, a complete mess crying and distraught, I was sent home, and to be honest  I am not looking forward to going back to work which is in about 6 weeks, as I know people will ask me "where have you been" , and all those questions  and I don't want to get upset in front of people, its going to be hard.

My counsellor has been really good, guiding me and advising me and telling me I am not crazy...just someone dealing with a lot of life changing situations, so that has been a great support for me.

Look after yourself and I am thinking of you and wishing you and your boy all the best...be strong.

July

[Hopefullseeking]

Hi July

I am determined to go to court for two reasons, 1 so I will know first hand what he has done as he will not be truthful unfortunately, and 2 to show him I am still here as his mother and I do care about him.  I have had several offers from friends to accompany me to court which I think I will need.  I can see myself becoming extremely emotional seeing him and hearing his charges.

I can only take one day at a time as far as my son goes and see what happens.

I felt I was getting somewhere with the psychologist and my depression but this has set me back again.  I am very teary  and I hate that.  I am trying to fight it and at times I manage but other times I dissolve.

Today I am taking myself to the movies, my choice is the comedy Spy, from what I have heard it is really funny you just have to ignore the swearing.  At least my problems will be forgotten for a while.  I am trying to keep myself distracted, hard to do.

My son agreed before he left prison to go to NA Narcotics Anonymous. he also agreed to counselling but didn't do either, it will help your son if he can do both.  I did manage to get him to visit a psychiatrist for one visit and he felt my son wouldn't go back inside as long as he stayed off the drugs. This guy commented what a gentle man my son was, doesn't mean squat if drugs are involved.

Being a mother of a drug addict is hard enough, it tears you apart to watch them being totally out of control and you feel helpless, to be a mother of a son in prison is indescribable.

All we can do is keep up the fight for our children.

Hugs

Anne

[July]

Hi anne,

Sometimes reading your posts it is exactly like me, sometimes hopeful, sometimes fearful and wishing it was all a bad nightmare, but its our life and to escape the torment even for a short period helps us to carry on and we do need to"escape" to clear our minds.

I cried the whole two days at my sons trial, I couldn't help it and being in a public court room was embarrassing, I to was always teary and I hated always being on the verge of tears , I'm still like that , some days ok ,some days not.

You will have a lot of ups and downs, so going to court with a friend is good, you need that support and a shoulder to lean on.

Drugs are evil and possessive of your soul, they take away the good and replace it with the bad, its like wrestling with the devil ,in your heart,mind,body and soul .

Theres always that glimmer of hope that we must cling to, that good will overcome evil, because we have "seen" the good before and we know its in our boys, they just need to fight like they have never fought before.

I think while we are going through this, we will have many setbacks, my son now has to do another course in prison and because of holdups he will be in till at least December, although he will be in minimum security on a prison farm, he was disappointed ,but I told him be gracious and  accept  the decision and move forward and do you best, and he has accepted his responsibility.

  Life is full of disappointments, its the way we handle them thats important  and hopefully we learn from each one , I am trying to look forward, not look back and I hope that will lead us all to a better place.

Take care you are in my thoughts.

July