Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I’m glad you have got a medication plan in place as it definitely does help. Sorry you are starting to crash again. I recently wrote a poem for my best friend who suffers from depression called Don’t Give Up, Don’t Give In. I think the first part applies to you:

When the black dog is snapping at your heels, I know exactly how that feels.

It’s as though there’s no way through, you feel lost, don’t know what to do.

And dark thoughts are closing in, all I can say is don’t give up don’t give in.

Now that you’ve got a Bluetooth speaker you can play your music loud and drown out those horrible intrusive thoughts. I recently bought a JBL charger4 Bluetooth speaker and the sound quality is really good. I love the song by Pink and her daughter Willow Cover Me In Sunshine as it is such a happy song. I don’t know where we would be without music as it is so uplifting.

I am very impressed by your sister catching a gummy shark with a broken arm! That’s hard to beat!

So take care and I hope your mood starts to lift soon xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🦈

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

I love the poem.

I love P!nk!!! that song is aweome.

I know right, quite impressive. Was hoping to get out and fish this weekend but probably won't get to.

Jojo, We increased the antidepressant again because I was crashing so low and I responded the same as I did earlier in the week but I become energiser bunny mixed with anxiety and then negative trails of thought ontop of the perpetual looming darkness. It's like two states are clashing at once.

I've literally, exercised, gone shopping, visited both sides of the family, then suddenly I didn't want to be around people. I feel quite down but then my brain is racing and I can't switch off.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

It sounds like you are possibly experiencing rapid cycling as your moods seem to chop and change very quickly. This must be really exhausting and frustrating.

In the past I tended to have a high mood for a few weeks before I finally crashed to a severe low mood. I think your pattern of episodes would be more of a challenge to manage. It could also be that you are very sensitive to some medications.

There were a couple of occasions when an increase in my antidepressant resulted in a manic episode, but once they changed me to another one I haven’t looked back. Medications, as you know, are a balancing act which is why it is worth persevering until you get the right mix for you.

You will get through this Saree and, as I mentioned previously, please don’t give up, don’t give in.

Glad you liked the Pink song. My best friend has made a playlist of ‘happy songs’ to play when she feels in a low mood. Maybe you could do the same for yourself?

Lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗🎶

[Saree_p]

Hey Jojo,

The psychiatrist has ruled out rapid cycling, we found that I was doing it when I was on ineffective medication. This feels different from that, more like a mixed state. It's really weird...

But now think I am crashing completely. It seems to be settling as I take them for a few days.

I am extremely sensitive to medication and also am requiring heavy doses to manage the symptoms.

The crash is occuring tho. Can feel the exhaustion setting in, the pain, etc. and just feel blah....

Today I did get some housework done, groceries and have been working on my symptom list, usual indications, and plan for bipolar.

Supposed to start uni again tomorrow - just one unit.

Hoping to go fishing tomorrow Jojo, but not sure I will get there. what have you gotten up to this long weekend?

Saree

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I think you are probably right about having a mixed state. I haven’t experienced that which makes my bipolar a bit easier to manage.

Sorry to hear you are now on the way towards rock bottom again and feeling blah. That sucks big time. Hopefully your medication will start to kick in soon and pick you up again.

Keep on pushing through and remember that these feelings will pass. Also think of better times when you were going well and affirm to yourself that you can get through this. Life will be good again. You can make it. I am here cheering you on.

That’s great you are doing a unit at uni. Hope that goes well and is a helpful distraction for you. I am really proud of you, the way you got yourself a new job and also are studying at the same time. Big pat on the back.

On the weekend I went to visit a friend for coffee and had a catch up on Saturday. On Sunday I went to the movies and we saw Dream Horse which was quite enjoyable, though fairly predictable. And on Monday I went to my ukulele group to play and have a singalong.

Did you manage to do anything special on the weekend? How are your wedding plans coming along?

So stay safe and strong, my thoughts and prayers are with you xox

With lots of love Jojo 🌼🤗🙏🎶

[Saree_p]

Hi Jojo,

Today marks the lowest day yet. Ive become unwell so cant push myself to go to work.

The pain is excruciating despite pain medication. I'm really struggling to see the point to life. It's just a constant roller-coaster. I just want off.

hope your ok Jojo,

saree

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saree

We are sorry to hear that you are at your lowest today.  We have asked our Support Service to check in with you via email as we are concerned about you, especially since you’ve disclosed experiencing excruciating pain.

We’d appreciate it if you can reply to their email so we can ensure that you remain safe today. If the pain does not seem to subside we strongly urge you to seek medical attention, for immediate support please call emergency services 000.

This costant roller-coaster ride you describe does seem very overwhelming and we understand how exhausted you must be feeling. Please know our community continues to be here for you. We do hope your pain settles and we look forward to hearing how you’re managing, whenever you feel up to it. 

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling really down and also having excruciating pain. Is that from your fibromyalgia? Does the cold weather affect your pain?

Is it possible for you to have your pain medication reviewed to see if there is something else that would keep your pain under control?

Please take note of what Sophie has said and send her a reply so she will know you are safe.

I know what you mean about being on a roller coaster ride, it is very unpleasant and scary to say the least. But please hold on tight to get through this bloody awful time you are going through. Try and focus on more positive and happier times if you can, although I know how difficult that can be when your mood is so low.

Don’t lose hope Saree this time will pass. Don’t give up, don’t give in. You can get through this.

Stay safe and strong and I will continue to pray for you to cope xox

With lots of love and hugs Jojo 🌼🤗👋🙋‍♀️

[Saree_p]

Sorry Sophie & Jojo,

It's been dark.. I just turned everything off and slept. Sorry to cause concern.

I'm not at work and prob won't be this week. Got some flu symptoms.

Trying to work from home today, but my care factor is zero. My brain just won't shut up and obviously trying to work means I'm awake! Jojo, I don't think I can do this anymore. I keep trying, but whats the point. This shouldn't be happening on meds.

Sorry

[Sophie_M]

Hi Saree_p, 

We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way at the moment. It sounds like you are in a really low point at the moment, especially with the flu symptoms on top of how you are feeling in yourself. We want to say how impressive it is that you are feeling up to posting on the forums while experiencing that. 

We also wanted to remind you that if you are feeling unsafe that it is really important to see this as an emergency and to call 000. 

We are also always here to talk and you can call 1300 22 4636 anytime. Or, you can call our friends as Lifeline on 13 11 14. 

Thank you again for posting today, please feel free to update us on how you are going if you feel comfortable.

Kind regards, 
Sophie M