Really struggling

[Saree_p]

Hi All,

This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

Sorry

[Saree_p]

Jojo, I did try to follow through with BB. They rang, but I couldn't. I struggle so much with phones and phone calls.

Something I don't think anyone gets.

I failed. Sorry

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Do you know any mindfulness exercises you can do? There are lots of apps you can download- or guided meditation ones too.

Or you can just lie down in a quiet room and start relaxing each part of your body from your toes to your head. Breath in slow and deep and imagine all the stress draining away from each part of your body.

Find out what works for you as sleep is so important. If I don’t get enough sleep I run the risk of becoming psychotic which is no joke.

I suggested to Lilly to try herbal tea or a milky drink before bed.

Hope you manage to settle down and get some sleep xox

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Thanks Jojo,

I have tried all the above, even if get asleep the nightmares are so bad I'm awake in 20 panicking. Trust me, I've not wound up here and in contact with needing help without exhausting everything else.

Think I've hit that deterioration point. Past it probably again. It happens so quick. I'm so stubborn. And cause I mask, it impossible to really see unless you know me well, I've made sure no one does anymore.

I hear you lol. I got admitted for a psychotic break.

Still think issue is with me. Atm the last 24 hours feel like an eternity. I hate myself for all this. I've lost the ability to rationally argue.

Honestly Jojo, you amaze me. And Lilly I am so sorry. You are wonderfully strong. I actually hate myself for not even being able to help anyone else.
My client today had the best day all week apparently cause I worked with her, but seriously, all I see is what we didn't do. I shouldn't be working. Yet I need to. I know my work will do what they can to keep me because apparently I am "amazing" with our most challenging clients, but how can i be? I had 4 panic attacks at work, 13 (yes odd number n hate) flash backs. This was just whilst at work. My nervous system is shot.
I'm such a failure, im such a hypocrite. Everything I have studied and worked in n for I can't accept or do myself.

Jojo, I don't pretend I've been through the worst situations life has to offer, n hats off to those who have been through worst n fought to keep going. I cant anymore. I cant even tell which of them it is in the flashbacks atm. They r flipping so fast.

I'm just sorry. I don't think there is any amount of help that will help. Defiantly not here.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

As I have said before I think you are amazing and clearly your work thinks so too. Also you are not a failure or a hypocrite, but you are unwell and desperately needing support.

What “plan” are you talking about? Please tell me your not planning ‘s’. I need to know you are safe Saree. If you can’t talk to BB then talk to me. I wish I could sit with you in person, just have a chat.

You really matter to me - like a little sister and I would be devastated if anything were to happen to you.

Please take care of yourself. You are stronger than you think xox

Jojo

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

Please stop! You have a future even if you can’t see it. Please call 000 they are trained to help in these situations. Don’t do this to yourself. Please keep talking to me. You have me really worried xox

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Jojo,

wouldn't it be nice if we could just chat. lol.

I am trying. I did set a deadline. I did make arrangements etc. But I am trying. There are just certain things like Tinsel, that I need to make sure are sorted for. Thankfully my sister will pick her up after she finishes work (my alarm for it went off so, next half an hour I think).

I guess, there are just too many fires. And all of them are caused by one denominator. I am sorry.

Tim, I hope you did/do recover.

Lilly, I hope you reach out, I hope you are strong enough - please ignore my hypocrisy - please do not go off my story.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

I did post ages ago, but it is being moderated. Please talk to your sister reach out to her. Let her help you. It is not too late. You matter to me and others on the forums.

You are in my prayers xox

Jojo

[Saree_p]

Sorry Jojo,

I can't and I won't. She is a caring person, but she hates me and has blamed me from day dot. The fact my issues stem from what she wants to deny. I can't. I only returned to this state to support her. I am and have failed to do so.

Can you please understand? Sorry.

[Jojo100]

Dear Saree

That’s okay, I hear you. I didn’t know. Does she live with you? xox

Jojo

[Saree_p]

No Jojo,

She barely lets me into her life as it is. She asked me to return and I did. I tried to do everything right by her, but all she saw when were kids, was I was given special treatment and she was ignored, and then I played the parent figure with her, so I was horrible. lol. such is life.