Reality check - Anxiety, Depression, PTSD

[Mathy]

Hi All, I live with PTSD, Anxiety and Depression. My PTSD is pretty good, but the other 2 monsters not so. Last year I had arrived at a point where I was medication free, happy and functioning well. Then moving house and an incident at work left me back in the hole again. The work incident was a combination of a complete restructure of my hours and change of leadership - too much change, not handled well. I got suspended, and the process wasn’t handled well, so I bailed out of work for 3 weeks. In 6 years I’ve had 11 managers and #12 arrived 6 months ago, along with a change of 2/3 under managers. New manager is ok (but clueless) and the 2 new “under managers” are inclined to be variously, aggressive, rude and sarcastic. I guess that’s the reality of the “fast paced” world of retai - ha!

Slowly, over the last 6 months I’ve struggled to go to work, get out of bed, lost motivation, and lost the enjoyment of playing my sport - which ironically is important for maintaining my mental health. Sport is golf - so, exercise, challenge, discipline and friendships. I’m single, so this is important to me.

2 weeks ago I ran myself through a checklist and realised that I was NOT travelling at all well, so I upped my ADs and made an appt with my Psych - which is in 3 weeks time. Last Friday I had an enormous panic attack, following a Thursday night at work with the least favourite of the under managers. I guess my mind has decided it’s had enough, I ended up in ER (I’m 61, so can’t assume not a heart attack). So, I now have an appt with GP tomorrow and a sick certificate until next Monday - and I feel like rubbish.

So, if someone says to you that your work rate is “not good enough, *insert my name*”, in front of others, it could be interpreted as a joke or not. I’ve worked for this business for over 9 years, I work my butt off, and I found this insulting, joke or not. What do others feel? If once a week/fortnight one consistently had this sort of, or sarcastic interactions what would you think/feel? I guess I’m trying to decide if I’m being overly sensitive and possibly unfair.

Thoughts would be much appreciated, cheers M 🙂

[demonblaster]

Untold respect for you champs 😚

[Mathy]

Hey DB,

There’s an old saying

”Softly, softly, catchee monkey” 🙂

bestest and hugs M 🙂

demonblaster said:

Maths that you're gunna soeak up's right thing to do but darl as mentioned from experience it can be you only that gets burnt so suggesting take your time & look at options, so maybe union not so good but id still be pushing them to do their stuffin job, you're gunna need backing & as also mentioned you cant always count on people involved.

What about something with signatures written officially but always chance of being leaked to mongrels

You're good Maths xx

[demonblaster]

Yeah sounds like a plan Stan

Biggly soul hugs back atcha xx

[Mathy]

Back atcha DB 🙂

My psychologist feels that I’ve become sensitised to the fear that I experience at work. Meaning, not necessarily anxiety, but a triggering of a fear reaction that relates to my PTSD.

Having thought about this for a few days, I think she’s probably right. For me, anxiety/fear are sort of related.

When the roof collapsed on me, I functioned at a high level, I was able to extricate myself and another - we had to crawl out through the debris, to safety. I was quite calm, but had to be a bit bossy with the other person, as they needed pushing along, and we didn’t know if the wreckage was going to stay put or fall further. When we reached safety, I had the massive Adrenalin overdose that you get after a life threatening situation. But, I was still functioning - not a mess.

Which is exactly what I feel when I’m threatened at work. I can’t believe that I’m still dealing with this, BUT I AM.

I’m just blogging here, to keep a record and share, and just writing this has caused the exact same feelings.

I am so disappointed. I feel like I’m never going to feel safe. Always going to be criticised because I’m not immediately happy with change - that would be the fast paced retail environment that I work in. Apparently, bullying, yelling and intimidation couldn’t possible be the reason I feel the way I do #SarcasmIntended.

[demonblaster]

Maths you went through extreme terrifying trauma, life threatening. The impact of that and kudos how you coped & survived as well as got someone else out, taking on their stress on top of yours & remained calm throughout is a testament to your strength of character as is how you feel so rightfully deeply about this bs goin on at work.

You're human with normal emotions, if you didn't react to what you went through it wouldn't be normal,shock,denial be in play i'd think but because you are reacting imo this is your brain processing & working through the trauma which it has to do at your own pace,without time limits.

I haven't been through something like that but imagine it'll always be in back of your mind but with your strength & ability to think things through, listening thinking & accepting advice (psych) I believe you'll come out the other side. As with grieving it takes as long as you need it too, our brains protect us doc told me when in worst of grieving,hence it taking time. Don't try to rush it hun, its a major but you've definately got the goods to move through. Believe that darl, helps

Can see correlation re work crap triggering, tricky part is it's a major down for you & I suggest talk to psych they know way more than me but holding stuff in is dangerous when there's angst involved cause often is the case something snaps & we go right off & with the stress you're going through could release the hulk. Not trying to stress you more lol, you know me enough to know where im coming from aye darl 🤗 hopefully to avoid more grief.

I'm leaning now more to anonymous letter, not email could be traced back to you, & could let them know if somethings not done it'll be taken furthur could be a non confrontational solution to work issues. Your call Maths just options 🙂

Yeah journalling's good aye im starting to in surviving thread to keep track on BP & progress & talking it out can clarify too

You're a good person Maths & very strong & brave, YOU'RE GUNNA GET THROUGH THIS 🤗🤗🤗

[Mathy]

Hey DB,

Thank you for your caring response.

It’s been 15 years of this crap, nothing compared to what some people have been through, and yes, I know comparisons are not helpful.

Yes, I’m strong, sometimes that can be curse, because it means that I shut down. For the last 3 months I’ve been telling myself that I’m strong, but in reality, I now can let people abuse me, and say nothing. There’s something not quite right about that.

Anyways, I’m just writing a stream of thought, to come back back too, as neither I or psych feel we have a handle on what exactly is happening, so we can tackle it.

Higs to you DB, hope you’re feeling a little better, cheers M 🙂

[demonblaster]

Yw Maths 🤗

Long time was roof then i was thinking more recently but memory blaghhh at times or depression & recent roof

Between yaz you'll work out where you are, clearly you're a thinker

When you dont react are you feeling hurt? I'll be happy if i make that progress to not react to open aggressio, thats when my temper fires but in defense, why oh why cant people just have bloody respect, lifes easier if we get on dah

nah did allniter last night but I'll get there just make the other end harder the downs but gotta keep at this to win, thats the plan stan

I know youre journalling, do you want me to just listen, didnt think you're saying that oh unless you are lol 😆 love that smiley sassy & smooth

Cya darl xx

[BballJ]

Hi Mathy,

Firstly, thank you for the complement demonblaster, the champs are great and I am proud to be one to be honest. Helping any and everyone I can. Much like you do as well which is also great and well done to you too. Mathy that includes you because I see you helping many people on the forums and these forums are much better place with people like yourselves.

Regarding your last two posts Mathy, I understand what you're saying and that experience of a roof collapsing on you is really intense. I couldn't imagine how I would feel under those circumstances. You have done really well and I know the after effects of the PTSD are there but still your strength through that situation really shows your true character, your PTSD does not represent you are actually are. I know it can be tough these days especially in a retail environment and having to be bullied just isn't on. Is there any solution to this problem at all? Can you take it higher up the corporate ladder?

My best,

Jay

[Mathy]

Hi Jay,

Thanks for your thoughts, I appreciate your input.

On 7/10/17, I asked to be moved to Nightfill (which is where I used to work), I got a positive response to that request. At the time, I just said I was very unhappy where I had been shoved into, without going into details.

I’ve since had 3 conversations with the person in charge of that move, one on Monday this week and one on Friday last week. Head Dog said he expected those to be implemented by Tuesday this week. However, current leader (Called FW) is in charge of roster changes. He said, not until 10/12/17 - No! No. No and again no, that is not happening. FW has zero emotional intelligence, he appears to have a computer for a brain (and not a very good one) - team input into his brain and get a “computer says no” - response, it’s literally like that.

I’m planning on going to Super Head Dog and explaining my reasons for wanting to be disappeared from that department ASAP - due to intimidating behaviour and lack of duty of care about MH issues.

Hopefully, today Wednesday, I can speak to Suoer Dog, and get my move out of the hell-hole organised.

Hope all continues to be well for you Jay, cheers M 🙂

[demonblaster]

Hey Maths

Ahhhh more stuffin around last thing you or anyone needs, good luck & power to you & to anyone without MI would be stirred up, sorry to hear this. Hope resolve happens & quickly for as you say & well in other thread about structure, absolutely understand your disarray hoping right word I need to use dictionary & thesaurus more. Need to download them be easier

Let us know how you go hun

I guess the anxieties bubbling in anticipation? On same vane though I'm hoping super dog's approachable & reasonable cause this is a big stress which I rate you amongst other reasons & tho I understand why with anxiety why you're to this point holding it in it's also eating at you giving more stress & anxiety so getting it out very much hoping is going to be productive for release for you & action taken for the power tripping disrespect to staff going on.

Pover to ya Maths, your brave & strong standing up for yourself rightfully & for others too that rarely people do

Leadership & Survival skills.

If it helps I'm with ya in that office backing you

🤗🤗🤗