Not in a good space

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

It's like a feeling just bubbling up to the surface. It's panicky and disgusting and I dont' know what to do with it. There's no thoughts associated with it. It's a feeling. A really gross one. I called the Suicide Call Back service. I didn't find them helpful. What do you do? What helps you?

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello 🙂

I keep oscillating between "I'm ok, it's ok" and "WHAT AM I DOING??? ARRGGGHHHH" accompanied by a mini panic attack. Last night I was in such an "I'm ok" state, that I managed to make convo at yoga (that's pretty huge for me). I wish I could stay in that state. Though, as my ex used to say "no point wishing for things, just need to accept what is". Annoyingly accurate. I even googled "Am I smart enough to do Honours" last night. There were lots of results so I guess I'm not the only who's ever doubted they were.

I like your advice, Hanna, about the amount of effort to put in. I have some work this semester that is non-graded, and some that is pass/fail, so they will get minimal effort. My first class isn't until Friday next week, but I'm trying to prep as much as I can before I start prac. So today I have lots of reading to do, and I want to repot some of my plants. The weather is lovely and cool, so a good time to do that. What kind of gardening are you doing, EM?

I'm also really excited for my study buddy who is graduating tomorrow. We've been online study mates throughout the whole degree - she just got to the end quicker lol. I'm going to go and watch the graduation parade in town.

Hanna - yay for air conditioning! Finally! Wonder if it will be a reverse cycle? Then at least you can look forward to a comfy winter. And good on you for singing, that's really brave. I think it would be gorgeous to play an instrument and sing along. Perhaps I should reconsider the ukelele? Just joking!

EM - very clever use of your letters! I like that 🙂 I just want a certificate (with letters) for my wall. And I agree, Dylan Alcott is quite the inspiration. People overcoming adversity is definitely a worthwhile focus. Good on you.

9:30am and my nerves are jangling already, so excuse this mess of a post lol. Think I might start with a walk...

Big jittery hugs all round. Katy xo

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

Ha! I'll have to Google that about Hons! As you say there must be plenty of people worried about it!!!

Funny, I got my degrees framed but after a while I just put them in a plastic folder and now I don't care where they are .... I guess the novelty wears off! The graduation day is fantastic though... it's really nerve racking... remembering to tip your cap at the right time etc etc.. it's all very formal and lovely to go through really - you feel terrific wearing the caps and gowns etc etc - it's the big fun moment after years of study!!! So you can look forward to all that!

Getting a heatwave this weekend before a cooler wet change... Did you watch the tennis last night, wow what a match that was! (The men I mean I didn't get to watch the women).

Hope you're having a good time potting plants... I'm a bit off today probably the hot weather... and I need a cuppa badly..

Yes singing is nice I've always done it.. but I'm shy by myself - he used to play and sing with a jazz band... so he's confident - I could only do it because he sang along too...

Happy reading, glad it isn't me!!! hugs.

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy, Hi Em and everyone

Did you watch the men's tennis last night??? What a great game! I always feel sorry for the one who lost as they are all so incredibly good. I'm going to miss it when the tennis is over, rats!

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Good morning

I'd forgotten about how excited I get sometimes when I'm reading a journal article that really speaks to me! I printed out a bunch to read over the weekend, and that one was on neoliberalism, and although not closely linked to my topic, managed to sneak in. I can see why we've been advised to "contain" our topic, as it would be easy to expand out all over the place 🙂

I am nervous about the pomp and ceremony of graduation. I really just want to participate in the parade they do through town - that bit sounds much more fun. And yes, I imagine the novelty of having the certificate would wear off. But for now - can't wait!!!! I think this year will go by mighty quick with everything going on.

I haven't watched any tennis as I got busy reading. When are the finals on? I'm off to yoga shortly, and then I have more plants to repot, and then the graduation parade later this arvo. Are you feeling a bit perkier today, Hanna? I wonder if you sing to yourself around the house? Living in units I'm really close to my neighbour and she's always singing as she does her chores.

BTW - passed by the tiny houses today. They have the windows in, and the cladding (is that what it's called?) all done. They're looking great.

Sending positive vibes from the west xo

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

I think some of the tennis finals are on tonight - I hope so, I'm counting on another terrific match to watch!!!

Ha, neoliberalism and trickle down economics - it SO doesn't work! My eldest brother is an economist... don't get him started on this one! Glad you enjoyed reading the paper about it - I'm very left of centre!!!!

Graduation day yeah, the ceremony itself was daunting - one girl I remember walked on the stage and off again without ever taking her degree and had to go back up again and redo it - poor girl, I bet her friends video recorded the incident and played it over and over... just to make her squirm. But it was OK, everyone understood and just laughed sympathetically. It's exiting so do enjoy it - it's a lovely day, and actually receiving your degree is a fantastic moment after years of hard work. Everyone gets anxious at it though so you won't be alone there!

My new neighours at the back where the Rotties were have been partying for two days now with loud doofa doofa music non-stop, I'm going nuts! I've had to stay inside and can't go out into the garden because of the noise... they're a huge crowd of people... help!!!!! My poor neighbour next door with the sick husband...

Went out and bought some warm pants ready for autumn/winter.. they sell out so fast. Walked Sam by the river before it got too hot and he had a swim. Having a quiet afternoon it's turned very very hot so I feel lazy and sam's asleep. Just wish I could go out into the garden but looks like the party will go on into the night, oh dear...

So best wishes from here - I can't say the east coast, I guess it's the inland east here! oxoxoxo

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Hanna (and anyone else popping by)

I wonder if your day has been hot again? Did you manage any sleep or did the new neighbours keep you up all night? EEK. You're not having much luck with that place there.

I've had a busy day of study, study, study and now I'm going to watch the tennis and eat. I'm tired and hungry! I sure hope the tennis is a good game tonight. I think I might root for the underdog.

Anyway, just a quick pop in. Hope you and Sam are going ok. My head is spinning after all that reading - adult learning styles was the topic of the day. Hugs, Katy xo

[Hanna3]

Hi Katy,

What a game last night but I felt sorry for the guy who lost - Nevdemev sorry I can't never remember how to spell it! I will miss watching the tennis.

Adult learning principles.. my music teachers tell me how tricky it can be teaching adults music - we get impatient with ourselves, we are very self critical... we are used to knowing how to do things... etc etc. It's quite funny hearing their stories!

I got a book from the library called How to be Yourself by Ellen Hendricksen - it's American, about social anxiety - most of it isn't much, but the chapter on how difficult it is for adults to make new friends - and how many adults are lonely - is the best on social anxiety and making friends I have read anywhere.... I am going to photocopy it. It makes me realize just how tough it is for anyone who is adult... and also what mistakes people make who are socially anxious - that we write too many potential friends off too soon.

I hope you are going OK there. hugs.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Katy,

I did google the Kings Park Royale Kangaroo Paw... ohhh it is lovely... & yes... I want one! Though I will have to grow it in a pot here. There is also a white one called Bush Diamond that I like the look of too.

I can understand you feeling a bit stressed with having to wait for an unknown amount of time to get a reply to your email... it would be better if they could at least sent you an acknowledgement of receipt & give you an estimate as to how long you may have to wait... though I wouldn't worry about the other student hearing back before you... it could mean her's needs more work or is very simple...

Do you know if the tiny houses will be open for the locals to have a sticky beak in them when they're finished? I would be curious to know how the interiors work.

Take Stormy to the beach & enjoy the hot weather while you can lass... remember "me time" is important...

Hugs

Paws

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hello

Busy and stressful here, so I'm trying to "manage myself". The stress was at full volume Thursday afternoon, but I did some meditation and then went to yoga, which were both really helpful. Yesterday I squeezed in between Honours uni zoom meetings, what felt like a vent session with my psychologist, about not having someone here for support. She reminded me it will be important to keep notes on all the things I'm achieving, for the days it all feels really hard. Good advice 🙂

So, that's where I'm at. This morning I had a little knock on the door from my nephew wanting me to come to the beach, so that was nice. I've been studying since and am now ready for something yummy to eat, as a reward.

I thought I responded to you, Hanna, but perhaps I did over on your thread. Anyway, how is/was the book? Did you find it had any helpful ideas? How are you enjoying the aircon? Have you needed it at all, or have you headed into cooler weather already? It's looking rather dull here now this afternoon, and we have stormy weather predicted all next week. I will miss summer!!

Paws, I have my kangaroo paws in pots, as most of my plants are. Habit I guess. They grow well enough in them. I googled the one you mentioned, Bush Diamond. I've not seen it in the nursery, but I agree, it's lovely! I'll have to keep an eye out for one.

I don't think they'll open the tiny houses to the public, but they're looking pretty great. They each have a little porch facing away from the road, so it may create a sense of community if the tenants all get along ok. I presume they will landscape the area when they're done too. Perhaps something more practical than lawns which need maintaining. My lawn is very unloved. I own a whipper snipper as it's not a huge area, but it's more oomph than I have most of the time, to bother with the upkeep.

Well, hugs all round. I need pizza... or donuts... or something else carby and satisfying 🙂 xo

[ecomama]

Hey Katy

You're doing SO WELL!!!

Sorry I've not popped in, we had huge prep to do for my youngest Ds birthday party last night (been prepping for a month, because we NEEDED to lololol). The party was so lovely. Just AWESOME.

I read back from where I left off, listening to you guys talk of neoliberalism etc reminds me of talking with Alexa, my eldest daughter. Stuff I've never heard of. Yesterday we talked about confronting movements which I won't bring up.

Katy come off the grass 🍀🍀 that's supposed to be grass but have a 4 leafed clover or 2 instead! lol, OFCOURSE you're smart enough to do your Honours.
Tell anxiety to go take a hike, that little monster needs a rest.

I'm SUPER PROUD OF YOU!!! omg so proud.
I never used the word "proud" much (Missionary parents and all) but having an American BF he's turned that around. I use it ALL the time now where it's worthy to be given from my POV.

You're most worthy from anybody's POV lol.

I framed my 3 Degrees, they're hanging on our wall.
What I had to do to get them, the major sacrifices made, the investment of my time...
There's a poignancy that occurs when I look at them, they represent more than my capacity for discipline, focus, steadfastness.
The most difficult part of GETTING them was fighting with my family TO get them.
If they'd said nothing at all, I would've had an easier time of it all.
I'm NC now anyway. Guess it was coming!

Gardening? omg my fave of faves! Hence I started the Gardening thread here lol.
I do ANY gardening. Mostly weed control, tree lopping & pruning, maintenance atm (long story). Trying to get some order into it. I've got so many BIG trees now there's barely any shade!

I used to be a massive organic food grower. Still have food growing miraculously lol. Still organic.

OMG Tiny Houses?? I LOVE those! I'm planning to build a cabin / bungalow way down the back of my garden one day... not sure how financially but where there's a Will right? It won't be a Tiny House no, but if my BF and I live in it one day, I'd love to put those kinds of storage ideas into it. I have a few elements worked into the plans that my BF is doing for me in the U.S. between his work. Tomorrow he flies to Alaska, he get a bit edgy before that trip.

Onwards and UPwards Katy, well done you! 💜💙💚💛🧡

Love EM