Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[james1]

Hey SN,

I am happy that you are still replying to us here. Sara's a super person and we both want you to feel like you can keep going on and that you do deserve the love which we know you deserve.

To answer your question about BPD, "recovery" is certainly possible but maybe not in the way we would normally expect.

We are not 'afflicted' with BPD like we would be afflicted by a cold. It's not a virus that attacks us. Instead, BPD is simply a way of describing various habits and ways of seeing the world which we consider normal, but others may think of as being overreacting or extreme.

What this means is that recovery is completely within our control. We can change our habits and world views to whatever extent we want. It's a lot of hard work to break these habits, but you're 20 (from memory) and I'm 25, so I do think we have a good outlook.

For example, it's taken me about a year now and I'm still trying to understand what my habits and views are, but I've noticed that in some ways, I'm able to react a bit better than I used to. And because I can explain these things to people, they are more understanding.

Did your therapist tell you more about any specific therapies for BPD?

James

[Just Sara]

I don't think you realise it hun, but just expressing yourself the way you have is a mighty development for you. I see it clearly. Even though you present as helpless, there's clarity in your words understanding where you're at and what's important.

Thankyou for acknowledging my feelings too. Even though I'm much older than you, my demons of self destruction and apathy rise now and then. I was very similar to where you are now not that long ago.

I push on...I continue to revel in my good moments and accept hard times as they are for now. Finding and accepting positive qualities in yourself is a valuable goal you might consider. (And then holding onto them forever)

Having the connection you do with horses is inspirational. Not all have it, me included. But I've felt it with one horse when I was a teen. Nothing compares...I envy you.

Medication does tend to interfere with mood and levels of enjoyment. Knowing this and it being a normal response I hope can help you feel better. You're normal considering your past.

Today began quite down for me, but with the help of some friends on here, I've overcome yet again. That help came in the form of 'love'.

You are loved Essen. You're precious beyond belief because you're still here and willing to do what it takes to survive. Is one of those things accepting love when it's offered? I send it each time I write to you. I might not say it, but it's implied ok?

Each time you open your heart to genuine attempts of support and encouragement, it strengthens your resolve. It happens subconsciously, but in no way limits that power. Love is eternal as is hope.

I have enough love to share, to inspire and to support. You're special to me because I know you; you're like me. That's how I know you're going to make it.

Our greatest fear isn't that we're not enough; it's that we're powerful beyond our understanding and don't know how to use it yet. That time will come...

Loving thoughts...

Sara xo

[startingnew]

Yeah James im still
here. And yes I definently agree that Sara is super but so are you.
Yeah I get that reaction quite often about over reacting.

Yeah im still 20 and
a very crap age if you ask me. My outlook on life isnt great and half the time I wonder what the heck im still doing here. I havent told anyone in the family about BPD im worried what they are going to think. They didnt react great with anything else and everything I thought would happen has happened so far. I dont know what to do with half of these stupid feelings.

The mental health
team said they will ring early next week to check im still with with my gp and the psychologist then after that they wont be in contact.
The team suggested doing DBT in either group or individual. Ive asked
them to put me down on the waiting list so im not paying a bomb to go. Its a minimum 6 months wait and is about to get longer as 2 of them dbt therapists are going on leave.

Until then I suppose I carry on with my therapist until then.

[startingnew]

I dont realise it no, what I would like is to go forwards for once before I end up back in a hospital bed. I cant keep doing that, its not always the option for me.

Your feelings are
always in my thoughts, you might be older but your still a human- Ihope so you dont sound like a robot with one emotion.

Similar as in you wanted to k**l yourself- I really hope not.

I dont have any positive qualities and at the moment my goal is to survive each day. Thats it.

My connection to the
horses has faded. Its the last thing and last palce I want to be. It not the medications. It happened before I went into hospital and then I thought id missed them but when I got out it still wasnt reginited.
I was forcing myself to go- doing what someone cant remember who to
do the opposite of what my brain tells me to do. It would be nice to get a connection back but it just puts me in a bad mood going there.

Im not normal to other people- on here im normal with peopl who have been through
something. In life form im a complete freak. Who would want to be
around me anyway.


Im glad your able to
overcome things. I am I just cant seem to pull through very easily or quickly. And by the time I get myself together something else happens and im back where I was.

I dont get the chance to progress.

I know you imply love each and everytime you write something, anything you write I can see it in how you write it and I use to be able to feel it but now tbh I feel quite numb to anything. . You say accept it but I dont know how to genuinly accept it. When I write I try to write with love or how I would write when I was feeling something. But somethings changed and I cant identify what it is, I dont know its like internal, everything else is the same but im not. Its a feeling but I dont know what it is. Defeat seems to be a good words to describe it.

Im like you? Your special to me too. Instant bond or something as soon as your first post to me.

I really hope that time comes soon, really bloody soon.

Actually I need a new drawing idea- any ideas

[Guest_128]

Hey there,

Have you ever thought of doing something volunteer work? Doing something for others,it is a great way to make yourself feel good and an awesome way to take things away from yourself.

Later

[startingnew]

Hi Later

i dont have time to do volunteer work.

i work 2 jobs, have to fit in numerous appointments, study, care for kids and fit in some sort of care for my horses.

i dont know where i would find the time to even offer time to help anyone

[Just Sara]

I'm still seeing a flare in your writing. Nicely done. You're not raving or ranting, it all makes perfect sense.

My idea for an artistic project, is creating a mind map. One with a difference though to the one's we get as homework from our psych's.

Make it a real map. At each place you stop at, draw what depicts how you feel or what you've overcome; even a goal. Roads can be coloured in yellow sparkle (Yellow brick road) with the odd cross road or fork in the road. Maybe you can cut out pic's from mag's to paste on.

If a map doesn't float your boat, then a dream board. Section it off into four and call each one after a part of your life. Eg...love life; career; home/car; and the last one could be something representing peace or freedom.

They're just a thought, I hope it gives you ideas of your own.

Ask you psych or the MH helpline to talk with you about changes in mood and enjoyment due to med's. Hope this helps also.

Shout out to 9NL and James too. 🙂

Lurve...Sara xo

[james1]

Hey SN

That must feel horrible to be told that you're overreacting. I remember I once told my ex, when I was at my lowest, that I was feeling suicidal basically every moment of each day. She said I was overreacting. Maybe I wasn't literally thinking about it every single moment of the day, but that's what it felt like. So it was horrible being told that.

But I guess, like you said, that's why we're here together right? Because we understand, maybe not everything we're each going through, but aspects of it. And we know that there will be some pains that we just can't understand, but which are very real.

Sorry to hear you're feeling very defeated. I think the fact that you're still here is good. Maybe it's hard to find this part of you, but there must be a part that still wants to find something enjoyable in life and still wants to give it a go. Do you find you can see that part, even for a moment sometimes?

About DBT, I've tried that too. Is the waiting list for the group session? They might be nice to have, but do you want to ask your doctors whether they think it's worthwhile for you to go to a couple of individual sessions to see what it's even like? I personally found individual sessions meant I could just focus on me without worrying about how others were doing, but group sessions are also meant to be good so you have more support.

Have you had a chance to read up about DBT much?

James

[startingnew]

No im not ranting or raving, just stating how im feeling. I think you can tell the difference


Never thought of an artist project for either of those suggestions. I drew a dreamcatcher yester and turned out better than I thought, took me all day to do though.


Ok the map- is this
for each day or just in general? I would probably make it in general.
By the time I get started on one ill have to start another one.



I can do the dream
board too but ill do mine via pintrest. That was I can keep it on my
computer as well.


I wish I could upload pictures on here to show you some of the drawings ive done, id love your opinion on them.

I often think of you
when I draw, trying to think of some inspiration in something youve
said. Youve given me a few ideas before because your personailty
shines through when you write and its easy to draw your personality
though it never seems to do any justice in what I see in you. I
often think of you as your profile picture but under all the
toughness and wiseness, I see the sensitive, loyal and caring side to
you.

I went to my gp yesterday and she agrees that I need to go back onto the mood stabilsers as well as the Ads and sleep tablets. She said that the
mood at the moment is my depression.

[startingnew]

ive had 2 panic attacks today and been triggerd 9 times and the nights not over yet 😞