Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[Doolhof]

Hi SN,

As Sara has mentioned, grief is a natural part of life, it does seem that most people in our society do not accept someone grieving all that well. If you look at some cultures around the world, wailing, hitting themselves, masses of people crying out together happens at funerals and when people die.

By being able to express their grief in such a way, I assume they are able to deal with their emotions and feelings more effectively. I know I have bottled my grief up for year and then it just makes me ill when it resurfaces.

Recently I have been reading a new theory on grief, called "The four tasks of grieving" I would like to suggest you have a read of that. One of the stages helps you to make sense of your life now without your loved one being here in person but being with you very much in spirit.

Guilt, remorse, the what if questions, all of those things eat at us and can make us bitter, ill and even more depressed.

As Sara has also mentioned, I am sure it brought great pleasure to your Nan to see you happy and spending time with friends and attending school. Hopefully you will be able to accept that no matter what you had done for your Nan, if you had been with her 24/7 the results would have been the same.

Doctors are unable to prolong the life of some people. You gave your Nan a quality of life you should be pleased with.

Give yourself a hug SN and tell yourself that you did the very best that you could. You could not do anymore. You need to let yourself go from the guilt you are feeling.

Love and hugs to you from Dools

[startingnew]

Hi Sara

your not lecturing at all and I take in everything that people say to me. I cant help but have that mindset, its the way ive always been. Lecture away I dont have anyone else to do it for me. So go right ahead

thank you Dools ill
take a look at the new theory as well

[startingnew]

Hi guys
uhh so im in abit of a situation atm

so im on another forums- not going to say which one but its a social forum for people with MI as well. Ive been told by 2 people on the forum and a 3 friends which I thought was a friend off the forum tell me that im really annoying and that they are sick of validating my feelings.

Firstly I had no idea I was doing that, considering most peoples stories and comments etc on where I am want you to also validate their feelings but they havent been plled up about it. I feel very targeted as im the youngest member on there.

I feel really uncomfortable now and like I have to limit what I say, where I say it, how I say it and that I can no longer express my feelings openly.


Secondly- how do Istop doing it

[Just Sara]

Hiya hun;

My first question to you is; do you feel bad or annoying after reading/posting here on BB? Because if you do, this wouldn't be the place for you.

When we take advice from people and it makes us feel really upset, why do we think it's automatically correct, rational or even helpful? Everyone has their own stuff; communicating is about listening as well as speaking, but there's also 'intent'.

A long time ago, my sister asked me over for lunch. Afterwards, I asked her what was wrong as she was quieter than normal. She took my hand and softly said; "I don't know how to say this, but I sometimes feel intimidated by you"

This was a time in my life where anger ruled my thoughts. Words sometimes came out as curse or abrupt which made others uncomfortable. I talked about it with her, then went outside and cried for over an hr. I went back in and we hugged and thanked each other for being kind, honest and open. She was so relieved I took it well.

The way I dealt with people began to change from then on. No-one else had the courage to do what she did; I respected her for 2 reasons. She treated me gently and was to the point using examples. And she didn't once call me names or make me feel bad while speaking with me.

Her intent was to let me know she felt small and uncomfortable around me sometimes so our relationship could bloom. This alone showed me she truly cared.

'Tone' can come across in writing too. Angry or abusive words can't express gentleness or kindness can they? Using the term 'annoying' is name calling, and doesn't explain how they feel. This is really important.

How does the way I communicate with you and those who were rude compare? My intent is to support you even when I feel it necessary to be up front. You might tell me if I cross the line wouldn't you?

"I don't know how to take what you said Sara, I sort of feel bad"...Perfeck! I could 'never' feel offended by this.

Have a think about what I've written and get back to me ok? My intent is to support, encourage and empower you, even if it isn't what you want to hear.

Sara x (hug)

[startingnew]

Hi Sara
thank you for your reply


I dont get upset with people when I read something on BB even if it does trigger me, it was their fault and they have a right to tell their story and have
their input so No I dont get get upset with people on BB
I get abit upset if I cant help people but I dont take it out on them I just leave the
thread .

The way they are speaking and tone that they are writing it with sounds like they dont want my help, im annoying them, they dont want to support anymore. I tried to approach them and I asked them what was going on? Then they kinda came out with a heap of things that was pretty much calling me selfish and
annoying. I dont act any different from here than what I do there so
it does have my thinking...

if I dont understand their threads ill do the same thing as I did to you and ask if they can ask it another way

[startingnew]

The difference
between the way you talk and the other person talked was one the one-
they sounded intimidating and really pushy- ive even created a big
list of boundaries for there and now I feel uncomfrotable being on
there but theres a lot of other people on there that dont have a
problem with me at all.

The other way is
that if I dont get something you actually just reexplain it such as
when you asked me what did I actually want?.

You just corrected
and reworded it another way and didnt 1, ignore me to the point
where I re asked as I didnt know if they had seen the post or 2.
ignore and then explode at me.


They say im selfish and I make everythign about myself and im annoying and that Ishouldnt have to keep getting my feelings validated all the time.

Oh sorry it was actually “ im sick of validating and reassuring your
feelings”

[startingnew]

also yes i changed my avatar- i drew my nan a pink rose and im using that as my avatar for now atleast until this month is over

[startingnew]

remember that psych that i had to be assertive with about treatments....?

i have to see her tomorrow and im really freaking out. im so bloody nervous!

and sorry for posting so many things all at once- my brain is working fast tonight , hope you dont mind

[Doolhof]

Hi SN,

The picture of the rose is beautiful, you are very talented. It is wonderful you have shared the rose you drew for your Nan.

Hopefully your appointment with the psych will go okay. I am seeing mine today also. I feel a little apprehensive, that is okay, I will try not to dwell on those feelings and tell myself the appointment is for my benefit. The lady is there to help me.

I will keep myself busy before I go and look forward to learning more about myself, how I tick and how I can help myself to become better at living my life. Before the appointment I will have a short walk to calm myself down, take some deep breathes and approach the appointment with an open mind.

All the best with your appointment, from Dools

[Just Sara]

Good morning SN; (and shout out to Mrs D! Hope your visit goes well too)

Yes, you've been writing up a storm hun, really great to see you're problem solving. It's a good sign of recovery!

Your Nan's rose: It seems you're a talented young woman. The rose you created has emotion oozing from it, so well done! I love it!

Your visit with psych: Mrs D has given some great advice for pre appt activity to calm the nerves. Also, having subjects at the ready can be helpful too, like dot pointing issues on a piece of paper. It's 'your' time with her, not the other way around. So worrying about her demeanor takes away from the opportunity to dig into your current life.

Please don't forget to mention your progress and how far you've come with focus and recovery too. It sets the visit up on a more positive note.

Communicating with rude people: You wrote; 'I'm sick of validating and reassuring your feelings'. This is a hurtful statement I must say. I'm not sure if this was said by a person you were trying to help, or if it's from a friend you see regularly.

All the same though, being sick of making another person feel good about themselves might be an indicator they're not happy with their life either.

I gather thru your writing you've found a way to overcome your symptoms by focusing on the problems of others. This can be gratifying, but identifying what's 'enough' or 'too much' is necessary for ongoing balance.

You've seen me take time out when my own issues prevail; this is due to my self awareness and putting me first. If I can't help someone (as you say) I walk away to keep my spirits up and help others who appreciate me.

Btw, thankyou for explaining some things from our talks. I'm so impressed (and happy) by how you're improving each day. You're a mighty example of self commitment and drive. Well done!

Communicating successfully is about learning from our mistakes, then changing the way we listen or talk. Each step needs courage, humility, and especially forgiveness; of ourselves and 'them'. Time is your friend...

Best of luck today my sweet...

Sara x