Not coping after disclosure

[startingnew]

Please help me. Im really struggling.

last night i disclosed something that ive kept with me for 2 years now. Im already struggling with ptsd anxiety and depression but the event that i disclosed also comes under ptsd.

I rang a hotline and the first time in 2 years ive spoken about it and im so embarrassed and ashamed. I hate myself and blame myelf for it. And im terriffied! !

[startingnew]

this is only the second year of her passing. i dont know where the first year went cause it bloody flew

last year i brought her cards and wrote a letter as well. i also buy her favourite flowers, pink roses and take them to her on her birthday and other special occassions as well as weekly visits in general

[Doolhof]

Dear SN,

You certainly loved your Nan and so much. The sadness and loss you feel shows how much she meant to you. It is wonderful you have special ways to remember and celebrate your Nan.

There are times when we all feel responsible for what happens around us, and wish our behaviour, our actions, words and so on had been different. We can not go back in time and change things. When I feel like that, I need to make peace with myself.

You mentioned your Nan passed away at 2.00 a.m. Do you feel like you should have been there at that time? Is that something that upsets and bothers you?

When my Nan died, she told the family she wanted to rest and for them all to go and have a coffee. Once everyone left, Nan died. It was like she wanted to slip away with no family members being present. Maybe that is how she wanted it to be, so family could remember her as being alive or something.

Hopefully sharing how you are feeling here helps to release some of the hurt and pain you are feeling.

Sending you a cyber hug if you would like one, from Dools

[Just Sara]

Beautifully said Mrs D! I reiterate your comments...

Hi SN;

I do appreciate how difficult it is losing a Nan, mine was 59 when she died; I was 15. However I didn't have the responsibility you had so I can't imagine what it was like for you. All I can do is send my support your way...

...I'm terribly sorry for your loss...

Deal with this in any way that feels right. Pink Roses sound wonderful, as does a visit with her to chat. I talk with mine still all these yrs later. There's comfort in her presence...

Warm thoughts...

Sara x

[Just Sara]

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun, and in the morning

We will remember them.

[startingnew]

i feel so sad. i feel like i couldve always done more. i miss her so much. its so hard. i can hardley write this without crying and i still cant bring myself to bring much up about her. i have a photo of her with me in my wallet so shes with me everywhere i go.

that look she gave me still stills with me everyday-- oh crying again sorry guys

when i was leaving she was in hospital and she did her wave- she had a unquie way of waving and even though she was weak she did did it and said good bye and used my nickname that she had for me

[Just Sara]

Writing about your grief as you've done is courageous hun; crying lets it out too. One of the most difficult things to come to terms with is regret.

At 15 I was totally devastated by my Nan's passing as she was my mother in my eyes. I couldn't be consoled for weeks. Until I was 34, saying her name brought me to tears. Guilt and remorse had me bound but I couldn't work out why.

At 34 I wrote her a letter; I began with loving sentiments, then suddenly I started to rant and write in large letters eventually tearing the page. I was so angry with her for leaving me with my real mother who was a neurotic witch. That anger caused my guilt...afterwards, saying her name and talking about her in loving memory was easier without the tears.

Please don't deny yourself time to grieve even though it's painful. It's a normal process that everyone goes thru when they lose a loved one, no matter the circumstance.

Sending warm and comforting thoughts your way...

Sara (big hug)

[startingnew]

thank you Sara

it means alot to me that you actually care

and to everyone on here that actually cares thank you so much

my guilt isnt from anger, i know why i feel guilty but i cant work out how to get through it maybe you guys could help me with that as well...?

as i was in high school when i was caring for her including doing my HSC i had to take some time out to do homework or once a fortnight i would go to study session with a few friends or if i got invited out which was extremeley rare as i was a loner and had 2 friends but they didnt want anything to do with me outside of school. and i feel horrible about it now. i always felt i should ahve chosen to stay with my nan rather than go out with friends despite knowing my pop- who was capable at the time- could care for her for a few hours while i was out.

i always feel i could have done more even though i know she knew i was doing my best including takning her to all her cancer treatment sessions and when she was in hospital i was there every visiting hours except when i had to attend school but sometimes i was too distressed to go to school so id go visit her instead

i always wanted to do more but now it too late

[Starwolf]

You had a lot resting on your young shoulders, at an age when it is normal for people to mingle with friends and share fun time. It is what young people are meant to do. It is what is needed at that important time of mental and emotional development. Those basic needs shouldn't be denied as it could have dire consequences later.

I once was sole carer for a daughter with acquired brain injury and became aware of what happens when our personal needs are put indefinitely on the back burner...burn out.

Startingnew, you did your very best and more. Your grandmother was lucky to have you. She may no longer be physically present but her memory lives on in your heart. I'm sure her wish for you would have been to live on a happy, fulfilling life.

My heart goes out to you.

[startingnew]

thank you starwolf

for all your kind words and support

yes i think i was going through the burnt out feeling for quite sometime until i joined BB and was able to learn to do thing for myself 🙂

[Just Sara]

Hi SN;

Just popping in to see how you are.

Your feelings are valid; they hurt like crazy I know. The thing is, grief's like that even though we tend to want it over and done with. Our society doesn't teach us it's ok to take time out to cry and feel sad, but it surely is.

Punishing yourself for wanting to be a teen back then isn't fair. Do you think your Nan would've preferred you stay with her than to have friends and other activities? Of course not, she loved you.

This mindset of yours that says "I come last!" can be so destructive. I think it's time you let yourself off the hook my sweet. Cry for the loss of your Nan in your life; cry for the time you lost from your childhood, not for the time you 'think' you stole from her or your Pop. How lucky were they to have 'you' in their lives at all?

I'm sorry for lecturing; it's sometimes difficult for me to watch helplessly from the sidelines. That's my issue though, not yours ok.

Comforting hugs sweety;

Sara x