New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Hey James,

That does sound like the same sort of thing with my mother.

I do understand that she trys to love me. It's just.... I do not know how to word it. So I will go with what you say. She does not know what to. And she has ended up damaging things badly before.

I do not know what to do.I guess I like you can wait and see what happens.

And yeah that makes sense. There are many things too far gone to save.

Yeah hopfully they have a time avaliable. I am calling during lunch. I just hope I can work it out without informing my family as of yet.

I do hope that things work out for you and your mother. And that you can get your new bridge built.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Thanks PurplOJ. I also haven't told my parents - I just don't feel safe doing so.

Keep it up and we'd love to hear how you go during the week. I feel for you and the many troubles in your life at the moment.

James

[White_Rose]

Hello POJ and James

About living at home with parents. I have four children, all grown up now and have their own families. Before they left home permanently, I hope, they would wander in and stay for a while and then leave. All I asked was that they tell me their comings and goings for catering purposes.

I washed their clothes if they were put in the dirty clothes basket, otherwise they washed for themselves. Similarly clean sheets were handed out when I collected dirty sheets. They could sleep on the mattress if they wished, I do not make beds. If I wanted someone to carry out a specific task I asked and they complied. Yes in a way it was a hotel, but I loved having them with me and talking, especially at meal times, usually teatime.

My 19yo grandson now lives with me. He spends the day in his bedroom when he is not at work. He gets his own daytime meals, but I cook in the evening if he is at home. I insist I know when he will be in for meals. He does his own washing and ironing. I hate it. He rarely talks at mealtimes and vanishes to his room at every opportunity. He does wash up after our evening meal which I am pleased about as I hate dishwashing. He puts out the bins when asked. But it is nothing like the relationship I had with my children.

It is as though we live separate lives, passing each other in the hallway. Don't know the routine in your homes but maybe an effort at general conversations would help. Persevere. I would love to feel as comfortable with my grandson as I was with my children, two girls and 2 boys. And I do try. Then I get irritated and walk away.

Not suggesting either of you are like this but maybe look at your own interactions. Surprise mom by vacumming or something similar. Keep the bedroom tidy. This is my bugbear at the moment, although his door is always closed so I don't see it very often.

And yes, I do love my grandson just as your mothers love you guys. Please don't take offence.

Mary

[james1]

Hi Mary,

Thank you for sharing your opinion and side of the story. I think what you said about looking at ourselves and doing the best we can is gold. After all, that's all we can control and it does take two after all.

I think the trouble for me, and it may be different for PurplOJ, is nothing I do gets any acknowledgement. If anything, it gathers unwanted criticism.

When I cook (and I used to cook about half the time, now maybe a third), mum complains that I spent so long. If I vacuum, I should be studying. If I clean my room...well, I should be doing that anyway, so it's no surprise there's no reaction. I realise I could be doing more, but it's hard to be constantly put down all the time.

And for general conversation - if I go volunteering, I should be donating to mum instead. If I go running and get a good time, I should be doing weights instead because "thin men are unattractive". And if I go out to meet friends for dinner, I'm spending too much money and I will be broke. Not to mention my job at the bank is unsatisfactory so I can't talk about work.

So while I can see she cares, we just don't have the same values. I realise I'm making excuses, but it's like trying to be great friends who believes the opposite of what you believe, but you're so close that they tell you every way in which you are incorrect. Doesn't make for good dinnertime conversation!

James

[White_Rose]

Thanks for your reply James. No intention of judging or offending. I find it hard not to acknowledge something has been done by someone. Grandson cleans my glass teapot periodically and I am touched by this and thank him. I do clean the teapot but not happily, it's such a messy job.

I find it difficult when he goes to his room all the time. Haven't had to deal with that before but I'm told it's normal. I find that hard to live with but he has been here for a little over two years and we have not murdered each other yet.

I can see how frustrating it must be to be told what you do is unacceptable. Now if you want to practice your cooking skills, please consider joining me. 😊

Just a thought, do you thank or compliment your mom when she does things for you? It may help. Sometimes people nag or make unkind remarks because they are afraid you will leave them. Not logical I know but fear can make us do odd things. And of course it works in reverse, mom wants you to be happy and thinks she knows the best way.

A third alternative is that I am getting very tired and need to sleep, but instead I am writing rubbish.

Cheers

Mary

[PurplOJ]

Hey Mary and James,

From my experience showing acknowledgment for something that I have tried to do does not occur. I do not know if its that I miss it or what, however if I do anything (I do bits and pieces, not that much honestly just some cooking and such) I feel like rather than being thanked its more like "You should have already been doing this, there is no reason to think that it's good". Given for me personally I have not done much for a while, I just feel too down and am bearly getting to TAFE. And that is when I get "You don't do shit, you lazy arse" attitude.

And sometimes it feels like I have to care for her, she does not sleep correctly. Either staying up to silly hours 1-2 am with work in the morning, or tries to watch TV so much she falls asleep and I have to wake her several times to get her to go to bed. I repetitively tell her to sleep early and she does not... and I am the lazy person..

Mary, I seem to be like your grandson, I am personally in my room all the time and such. However that is because of my emotional state, and the fact that I do not trust my family.... hell they are a lot of the reason I am like this. and I complement my mother. I try not to do it that much, about once or twice a week. You cannot let words get overused... sorry is partially ruined for me, I use to hear it 16 times a day every day.

And James, from your dinnertime conversations... no offence, but I would not want to be there if I was just told everything I did was wrong.

And if anyone is offering free food or cooking lessons... count me in as well....

And on another note, I am finally booked into the GP on Friday... Yay.... I am not excited for that... I am guessing I will be told I need medication, and that is the last thing I want... So Friday might be the last time seeing you guys than... I will probably refuse meds and get thrown in a hospital (If they don't already for saying the urges I have)...

Just wondering what their legal responsibility is and who they tell in these situations... Right now, I want to keep my family out of this as it will just get worse... and I do not want them to be told...\

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey Mary, I think you hit the nail right on the head there when you said it could be because she's afraid of losing me. She 100% is, but while I can see the good, it feels too bad to put any more effort in than I have so far. I've been the emotional dump for mum (being told dad wants to kill us, will ditch us, leave us, or that mum herself wants to leave, etc. etc) for too long and I need to focus on myself now.

PurplOJ - I honestly don't know who they tell. I was on the phone with someone from a support line and they told me that usually what would happen is they'd go to your place of residence. And about the medication, I don't think there's any problem with being on medication. I just think of it as an immunisation, but to boost my mental health rather than my physical.

Still, the most important thing is that you are safe. Have you tried calling the various support lines like BeyondBlue, Lifeline, Suicide Call Back?

I saw your post to Emmy and I was really impressed that you're trying to help others while you're in such a low pit. I do hope we can help support you through to Friday, and beyond as well.

James

[PurplOJ]

Thanks James,

From what you have said, it does not seem like a favorable outcome. I do not want my family involved, so having anyone come to my place of residence would be very bad. It makes me unsure how much I should be informing them of. If you do inform my family, I would not know what to do... I do not think that would be a house I could return to. Last time they knew about just depression it was a nightmare. Now I have to contemplate either not telling them and probably not getting proper help, or tell them and have to plan for other places to sleep.

I tried to read through the general code of ethics used in Australia and information for helping people with suicidal tendencies. That did not help much, and was probably a waist of ~2 hours. It's a lot of jargon and what I understood from basic psychology and legal classes from school (I was not good, so I am not understanding a lot of it). They have the ability to tell people if they think there is a good reason... and have to if I am classified as "Young persons" they must advise a caregiver... I do hope that I am not and they mean a minor... but I have 0 idea.

And medication is just something I do not want to do, I do not like the thought of changing myself in that way. It's the same reason I do not do drugs or drink, Never have and probably never will. And the result will not be pretty.

For now I am safe... It would take a decent amount to finally push me over the edge... It would hurt me a lot to know because of me one of my 3 friends was sad..... given knowing that probably would be that push....

And no, I have not called them as of yet. I am not good with that sort of thing, and I am never in a location that I would deem alone enough to call. I have the bad luck of always having someone I do not trust with this stuff around. The next time I will be with those I trust is about 2-3 months (If that's possible, one is in America, one is always busy and ~7 hours away and the last feels uncomfortable around me..... Which when I think about it means I am completely stuffed if I need physical assistance.....).

And that would be good to get support... I will be here if I am not in hospital after Friday...

PurplOJ

[PurplOJ]

...And the lovely email about my last message telling me I typed something wrong....
I need to figure out what words there tripped it... It's not a fun email to get, it feels like they are telling you that there is something wrong and you should call the numbers to get help (I completely understand that it has to be a thing, there are those that it helps)

Next time I have to word things better to get around it.....

[White_Rose]

Hello POJ and James

Thank you both for your replies.

James, I can see why you prefer to be in your room under the circumstances. My grandson's upbringing has been such that he and his sisters spend/spent much of their time in their rooms, largely because they were not encouraged by mom to be with the family. I have no idea how she was raised, though I believe it was in a dysfunctional household. Sadly these actions get repeated through generations. I discovered yesterday that grandson lies to me. Well I've really known it for a while, but yesterday was another clincher. And there was no need of it. It was such a trivial thing. Well I won't go into details because I am trying to work out why it happened. Usually people lie because of fear of the consequences, but this had no consequences. A simple question.

Well I feel quite hurt about it but I think it must be a habit that he has followed for years and believes he must carry on here. It explains much about his secretiveness. I am so sad and really have no idea how to fix the problem so that he feels more comfortable. Well he goes back to his parents home far less often than when he first came here so I hope he finds my environment OK.

Your difficulties with your mom are hard to manage I feel. And yet you continue to offer such lovely support to so many people who write in here. I have been impressed when I come across your responses in other threads.

POJ, I know how hard it is to get out of bed at times. Before grandson arrived I lived alone so had no one to notice whether or not I got up. I got up to go to work, well usually. So I did not get told I was lazy. I have noticed from yours and others posts that hurtful comments about what you do stem from a lack of understanding about depression and mental illness in general. I can see why you prefer being in your room also. I am sitting here wondering about family life. It's such a source of strength, or can be, and instead we appear to drive each other away. A bit like putting two negative or two positive poles together and seeing how they repel each other. I knew my school science lessons would come in handy one day.

Congratulations on making the appointment. Whatever happens, please continue to write in here. Most of all be open and honest with your GP. You may find it's not as bad as you anticipate. Good luck.

Not certain what you mean about receiving an email. Can you explain a bit more?

Mary