New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[PurplOJ]

Mary,

Whenever you post on here it seems to go through a filter to check if your message is good. It might not be and if it is deemed as potentially dangerous, a real human will read it to make sure things are ok etc. That's one of the moderator's jobs.

If your message gets picked up it can take up to 12 hours to go through and you get an email telling you this and numbers of imediate help.

I got the email and one of my posts is not there. It will only show up after it is read by a human. I am unsure how it appears in the list if it is slotted at the end or where it would've been. That means messages might not be read as they are above already read messages.

If you need a better explanation I can give you one later.

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

I waited a little bit to post for your message to come through. Don't worry, it happens to all of us and I know what you mean by how it makes you feel like something's wrong, even if there isn't. It's also a way to make sure readers don't take the message the wrong way, something I'm trying to get better at.

You sound like a very "switched on" person so I trust that you know how to keep yourself safe. The same holds for me - I deliberately avoid telling my parents because that would be a huge emotional push the wrong way for me. All I try to remember is that I -can- go to the hospital and I -can- take medication if it gets to that stage. There's no guarantee that I will, but for now I just try to remember that. It sounds like you're of a similar mindset.

Sorry to hear about your situation with your friends. We seem to be very alike! My best friends who I feel comfortable are in Italy, Canberra, Alice Springs and the UK. Oh, and the last is in Sydney but we broke up. So yes, they may be great friends but they're pretty distant.

How are the people at TAFE? Are there any who you think you could warm up to? There's no one here at work and none of my volunteering events have given me any names that I think I could be great friends with, but I'm just trying to talk to people anyway to keep myself interacting.

Hey Mary,

Thanks for your understanding. I hope I didn't come across as too difficult. It's just become too hard after dealing with it for over 20 years. Had this been a recent problem, I think I would've been able to take on your advice and act on it better.

I'm sorry to hear about the lies. It's so hurtful to find out that we're being lied to.

I will confess I do it too, and yes it is habitual. There will be times where I lie to mum and I ask myself: "Why?" The only answer I have is that the truth felt uncomfortable at the time. And not because of anything current, but because of how I've been treated in the past when I told the truth.

So it's absolutely my fault - just as it is your grandson's - but from my perspective, it's something that you shouldn't have to accept, but I hope that provides some understanding. I apologise, as I hope your grandson does, but in my case the apology goes unaccepted.

James

[Chris_B]

PurplOJ said:

...And the lovely email about my last message telling me I typed something wrong....
I need to figure out what words there tripped it... It's not a fun email to get, it feels like they are telling you that there is something wrong and you should call the numbers to get help (I completely understand that it has to be a thing, there are those that it helps)

Next time I have to word things better to get around it.....

Hi PurplOJ, I'm sorry you've felt this way about receiving our email that lets you know a post has been held for moderation. We take particular care with the posts appearing in this section because of the level of risk involved for everyone - not just the person posting, but the potential impact here on the community. We are not mental health professionals and cannot provide immediate support.

I'd recommend having a read through both this thread here which explains how our moderation works and this thread here that explains the purpose of this section and how we moderate it.

I'd not recommend trying to "trick" the filter by using different words, as you may find that all your posts then get held back to be read by a moderator before publication.

These forums are not set up to have instant, chat-room style conversation, which is why we recommend that people use our support service (live webchat or phone) if they need more of a real-time interaction with someone.

There is no value judgment implied when we moderate our forums, there's no such thing as a "good" or "bad" post, but we have rules we use to keep this a safe space and that's what we use when reviewing posts.

[PurplOJ]

Hey Chris,

That is fine and understandable. I will take your warning and not attempt to 'trick' it as that would not be enjoyable.

I do understand that this is not imediate help. I just fear messages that get moderated will fall behind and never get seen.

Anyway I hope you have a good day than. And hopfully we do not have to speak under these terms again (I hope you do come back again, just not to be told off).

[PurplOJ]

Hey James,

Yeah, it is all understandable. I do hope readers do not take what I say the wrong way.

I guess I have the same mindset, I just don't want those tgings to be forced ontome . If I end up in hospital it should be my choice.

Yeah having only people from far away or who can't see you is not an enjoyable experience. They are good people, just not physically here if needed.

The people in my TAFE are... interesting. A lot of them are people I do not get along with and the few I do are because in that setting I change myself to fit in. They do not know what I am or who I truly am. And they are just people I can get along with at TAFE... after its over there is no contact. So even if I try and reach out to be propper friends I get nothing.

PurplOJ

[Chris_B]

Hi PurplOJ, it's hard to convey tone in text! I've taken to using Bow Tie Kitten to convey that no-one here is annoyed or wagging the telling-off finger. 🙂

[blondguy]

Nice1 Christopher.......Cuteness 🙂

Tone can disappear using text...so true

[PurplOJ]

Ah right... ok than....

I guess that tone does not come across in text that well... or at all.

And yeah, that is a cute cat...

PurplOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ,

Is your appointment still on tomorrow?

I thought I'd give you an update on my own situation since it somewhat parallels your own.

My GP prescribed me some antidepressants (damn) and my psychologist was suggesting I take them, or seek another GP if I don't trust mine to give me their recommendation.

I don't know.

My psychologist wasn't happy with how my suicidal thoughts follow me everywhere. Funny thing is it feels kind of normal now.

Going to try and get another opinion on whether I need to take these things or not. Really hope not!

James

[PurplOJ]

Hey there James,

Yes, I still have it set for tomorrow. It probably cannot come sooner as I had a breakdown last night. One of my friends who I try so hard not to make sad or upset told me that I made them feel terrible. I do not want to hurt them and feel shit because I did.

It sucks that you were prescribed anti depressants, hopfully you can get around that if you need to. I hope that I do not come to the same fate.

I understand that suicidal feeling become normal. I have them once a day for the last month and a half. Less frequently before that. It's a scary thought how use to us the thought of dieing is.

I hope you don't if you do not want to.

And how does the process for seeing another GP go. I have only been through this seeing a psyc at my local doctors and bot seeing the GP.

PurplOJ