New to here

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am new to this place. I am a 19 year old male. Tafe student. I was told I had Depression, Anxiety disorders and PTSD. I have been depressed for most of my life since several events.

I try my hardest in life, but it gets me nowhere. I am struggling at tafe because I am no longer motivated to do anything. I struggle to get in and when I do I do not see much point.

I feel alone all the time. It feels like I have nobody to turn to if I need help. The 3 people that I do trust and am friends with take days to get back to me. I am scared if I need help that it will take too long and bad stuff will happen. When I try to see them it takes months if asking to see them.

I am partially suicidal, I know that I do not want to do it because of how it will effect those 3. However I see no reason for me to be here. I no longer live for myself and only others. However it has become such a problem that I see my nightmares of my death nearly nightly.

I am unsure what to do anymore. I thought maybe coming onto this might help. I just don't know.

PurpleOJ

[james1]

Hey PurplOJ

It sounds to me like there's a lot you've locked away and don't feel safe opening right now. That is okay.

It also sounds like you know seeing a doctor is the best thing because only they can help you find a safe place physically and mentally to get through your walls. Because if you want to get significantly better, you will need to face what's behind those walls.

I only ask to see how we can help: what were you looking for when you came here on the forums? Sometimes it can help to reflect on what it is we want, and what it is we need. That will help me understand you better as well.

Please feel free to keep expressing your concerns here. We want t to help you feel comfortable enough to make an appointment with your GP, then support you through that process too.

James

[White_Rose]

Hello PurplOJ

You may not yet have the courage to make an appointment with your GP, but you have the courage to write here. That is an enormous step for many people and I suspect for you also. When I first became depressed my daughter used to say to me. "Baby steps mom, baby steps". And it was true. I could only manage baby steps. Sometimes they were baby steps backwards. I found the process slow, painful and discouraging. Most of all I did not believe I would ever feel better.

And it has taken a long time. The antidepressants that were prescribed did very little, partly because they were not the right pills for me and partly because the psych could not prescribe what he called a therapeutic dose because of the major side effects. So taking meds is not all plain sailing. Not trying to put you off or reinforce your dislike of meds. It's simply a fact that they did very little for me. Eventually my GP tried me on the first type of ADs on the market, tricyclics, and they worked. Life is so much better, no dreadful side effects and the return of the person I think is the real me.

I still have bad days but I can manage these because I know I have done so before. Purpl, you have so many difficulties to deal with and these cannot be resolved all together. The walls you have built have served you well for a long time. This is where you feel safe. How do you feel about making a few windows. Not for others to see in but for you to see out? I gather that so far you have only met with rejection and hurt and you don't know why.

How would it be if you could find out why? Would that be a good first step? Would it help you do you think? You could go and see your GP and ask this question. Take a copy of this thread with you as a backup in case you get too nervous to speak. Ask your GP the question. Forget about all the other things you want to know or do, just concentrate on this bit.

How do you feel about others telling you their stories? Do you think it helps? Have you read any other posts. It's surprising what you find on other threads that relates to your situation.

You say you do not have it as bad as others and at first I thought you were going to say that you don't deserve any help because of this. But you didn't. You acknowledged that others had difficult lives and that yours was also difficult. You are as important and as worthy of love and care as anyone else. Keep that thought in your mind.

Please talk about anything that worries or upsets you.

Mary

[PurplOJ]

Hello Mary,

It sounds like you have a lovely daughter for sticking with you through what you went/are going through. You must have a decently close family to achieve that.

I am unsure how I would feel about putting windows so I see outside the walls I have built around me. I do not fully understand, but I guess I can try. And yes, almost every time that I have tried to open up, all I get is rejection. Because apparently trying to open up and have people know more makes you a "needy F" or since I am male (I apologise if these words offend you, I do not like the words however they are what is used) I am "Gay" or "Retarded" for wanting to talk... yay for gender roles and such.... It's such a good thing to have....

Apart from that point, I think that it would be good to find out more specifically why. So I can learn and do something about it. And that's a good idea of the printout, I might do that if I can at some point get to my GP.

Others telling stories is good, it means that you are not alone. If its only you feeling bad and only you opening up than you can feel alone and a bother. I have read some of the other threads here, a few of the smaller ones and some of Emmy's novel (It's over 700 posts long, so I have not had the time to read it all).

And yeah of course I do not have it as bad as others, there are those that have been through more and even those that have been through the same for a longer period of time. To think that I am the worst and stuff is silly. Although I probably do not deserve as much 'love and care' as most, I'm not a good person in reality.

And James, the reason I came to these forums because I had nowhere else to go. I was looking for some where I could talk and not be judged like I do in real life. I also came seeking a place to build up courage, because nobody knows who I am here, I might be a bit more open so I can learn to be that where people know who I am. (Given that requires trust, which I have trouble giving). And partially because I was going days almost weeks without friendly interaction with others. I thought that it would have been better to do this rather than not and build up more of these feelings till I snap.

PurplOJ

[White_Rose]

Hello POJ

Is it OK to shorten your name? It's a good Aussie tradition but more importantly uses fewer characters, except of course when I add a huge explanation.

There is one important point I want you to understand. There is no need for you to compare yourself to others. Sure others may appear to have it worse than you, but you have no idea how bad this is for the person concerned. Different problems have different impacts on everyone. There is no hierarchy of woundedness as though you should stand in line behind more wounded people. You are as deserving of love, care and assistance as anyone else.

So now that's cleared up lets move on. One of the reasons that others may not respond to you opening up is their lack of understanding and fear of the unknown. The stigma of poor mental health is gradually going away, albeit slowly. We can consider ourselves, if not pioneers. at least early workers. Have you explored the huge amount of information on BB? You can download much of this or send for hard copies of what you want. Perhaps you could get some printed material for your family?

Write here on BB as often as you want or need. It's not quite the same as face to face communication, but not bad. You do have the space to consider your reply, which is not often available in verbal conversation. So far I have not seen anything that makes you repugnant. You are a person struggling with life and we are here to help as much as possible. We are all broken, is a comment I make frequently. And it's true. It doesn't matter if the break is not the same, it all hurts and we all need to heal. A bit like Humpty Dumpty.

When you are feeling better and stronger, then talk to others if you wish. Self confidence has a lot going for it in a conversation.

It's good you are reading other threads and can see you are not alone with your difficulties. When I first realised that, it was definitely a light-bulb moment. There are lots of stories. Have a look at Relationships and Family Issues/Realization, affected by family abuse/KaraArtist. The two stories are full of hope, even though I was almost crying over them.

Keep writing.

Mary

[PurplOJ]

Hey again Mary,

Sure, go ahead and call me whatever.

That might be a good explanation for why some people are like that. I just wish I had the chance to open up to some people, I have been trying to talk with one of my friends for ~10 days now and when we planned to talk tonight I am giving up as its 3:30 am without being able to even talk. I have explored a bit of the BB resources, they are slightly helpful. And I cannot get my family involved with how I feel. They are not a helpful group of people, I receive constant insults from them directly and indirectly and all they do is put me down telling me I am a lazy arse and such. I do not trust them much, and the last time I had stuff like this they betrayed my trust and told those who I did not want to know (I don't get along with some of my family, who were told and ended up making things worse)

Its fine that BB is online and not face to face, its what I am use to. I only see one of my friends once every 2-3 months. And I think having time to chance what you type is not good all the time, you can edit what you say over and over till what you were meaning originally is fully lost and you are no longer speaking the truth from your heart. You are just saying what is best.

Sure, I might check those sections out sometime in the future.

PurplOJ

[White_Rose]

Hello POJ

You sound a little more positive in this last post. I do hope that is correct.

I'm not sure if you meant your friend did not arrive or if you have been talking about other topics and not got around to what you want to discuss. If it is the latter scenario then may I suggest you be a little assertive and bring up the subject yourself.

I am intrigued about why your family call you lazy. Is it because you are studying instead of working? Seems a bit harsh.

Have you got closer to making that appointment with your GP? I think it would help you a great deal. You know the one about the longest journey starting with a single step. It really is true.

James wrote: It also sounds like you know seeing a doctor is the best thing because only they can help you find a safe place physically and mentally to get through your walls. That is so true. He also said: Because if you want to get significantly better, you will need to face what's behind those walls. This is why we are here, to help you have a little peep around the walls and start the journey to health.

As a matter of interest my psych asked me to chronicle the events of a couple of years ago in order for her to have a clear picture. Well I started to do this, wrote about eight lines and stopped. I couldn't do it. When I returned I told her how awful it had been and I was so angry I could not listen to her. Eventually I calmed down enough to agree we would continue to explore but only a little at a time.

Frankly it terrifies me but I will not get better until I face the awful things that happened. And the psych will help me. That's all I have to hang on to. I would love to hold hands with you, so to speak, while we both start our journeys.

Mary

[PurplOJ]

Hey there,

I am unsure if I was more positive during the last post or not, I might have just been very tired. However it does not matter, I took a few steps back today after an argument with my mother. Apparently I was being lazy again and she chose to spend 10 minutes yelling and shouting at me, while I stood there saying nothing. I ended up in my room having a slight cry and trying to resist the urge to kill myself. I probably would have left my house and gone somewhere else for a few days if I had somewhere to go.

My friend just never showed up. If something happened or what, I have no idea. All I understand is that she wanted to have the conversation and never showed. She does have her own stuff (I will not enter due to privacy reasons) so it could have been that, however it was very disappointing. Her stuff is why I have did not try and speak to her during the first few months of wanting to kill myself (I have been contemplating it for a few months now).

The reason I am lazy is because I apparently don't do anything. I don't feed the cats enough compared to how much she feeds them, I don't cook as much or work etc. For example today's event was due to me trying to have a discussion about lunch. The only thing we do as a family anymore is eat, apart from that we never talk. I am fine cooking for myself or even for the family. She just plans everything and I have no idea what the plan is. So I was trying to see what we should do, and she just snapped at me. Honestly I feel as though I should give up on that. Having meals with family members just ends up with yelling. Right now, that and talking to my TAFE teachers about work is the only physical interaction I have regularly. Honestly it was pretty stupid of me, and I should not have done it.

I am going to try to call my GP tomorrow as they were closed today. Going to try and have an appointment on Friday when I am off TAFE.

And that is an interesting story. Hopefully your thing with your psych goes well (If you are referencing current events rather than past). I have no idea what you went through yourself (Sorry if you have said it, I have not read it or am dumb and have somehow missed it), but I hope you can work through it yourself. And hey, don't forget what your daughter said about baby steps.

PurplOJ

[White_Rose]

Hello POJ

The events I mentioned started 4-5 years ago. I have not addressed them properly and I still get triggered by events. The psych asking me to chronicle what happened was a couple of weeks ago, which set off my latest depression episode. No I have not mentioned it before. I wanted to tell you a little about it to let you know I have also found it difficult to look my demons in the face. Scary stuff.

So here's to new beginnings and journeys. Who knows what we may meet on the way. Must dash now. I do volunteer work for several organisations. This is good for me and hopefully good for the people I work with. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are my busy days. I will write in again later.

Mary

[james1]

Hi PurplOJ,

I've been reading your posts but haven't replied because you seem to be having a wonderful conversation with Mary and I wasn't sure I had any more to add.

I just wanted to say I read your last post about your family and you're not alone. I'm 24 and living at home for the moment, and I also hate that mum seems to have plans for the entire day and if I ever do something different, that seems to ruin her day and she takes it out on me. If I'm home late, she can't sleep. I'm not allowed to clean the dishes, but I'm also apparently "using home as a hotel." She wanted me to have a happy relationship with my ex, but couldn't stop pointing out everything wrong with my ex. And if I asked her to stop because that was between me and my ex, well, then I wasn't letting her have an opinion.

But one thing I've learned, and it sounds like you're at that point too, is that our parents do love us even if they don't know how. And they likely feel like they've done so much for us, but we're not reciprocating.

I'm not sure about your particular circumstance, but I'm treating my relationship with mum as a bridge that is so badly burned, there's no use trying to fix it. Better wait a while, then start building a new bridge somewhere else, when I feel more safe.

As Mary said: new beginnings and journeys. Some things are just too far gone to "save", but that doesn't preclude them from being part of a new life you can build.

Hope that makes sense and helps. I'm really glad you're going to be seeing the GP this week.

James

[PurplOJ]

Hi,

It is unfortunate that you had to suffer through your problems for so long. I do hope that you are feeling alright or better since the start of that depression episode. And yes those demons can be some scary stuff.

So than yes. Hears to new beginnings.

Also that sounds nice. Its nice that you volunteer at many places. Take care.

PurplOJ