My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

[Steven1]

Hey guys. I am hoping I am not the only guy in this boat... my wife never wants to have sex with me. We are still relatively young (I am 30 and she is 29) and we have been married 4 years, been together about ten. We used to have a pretty active sex life but it has gone dormant since we had kids about 3 years ago. She always says she is tired and makes excuses like she can't be bothered or other trivial things. And she never comes on to me. I always have to initiate it and I feel rejected and horrible when she knocks me back.

Being depressed and having low self esteem probably makes it seem worse, but I take it pretty badly being knocked back and going without sex for months. I feel maybe she isn't attracted to me or in love with me anymore but she denies this. I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts anyone?

[aegidius]

Try going on strike for a couple of weeks and let her see what you actually do (or what happens when it isn't done).

Sometimes being too good is a turn-off. I'll leave that with you.

[DeepBreath]

I've thought a lot about the idea of being 'too good' and it being a turn off.

The fact is I like being helpful, I like providing, I like making sure things are tidy/good/neat. It's GOOD for a relationship to do this for someone.

It's really only part of the equation.

I'm going to reference Athol Kay like Apollo has referred me to before. Don't play the subordinate role. Clean up and do all that stuff because you choose to, because you think it's the right thing to do - not because it's expected of you. You can do excatly the same action for a different reason (one of personal strength) and have a different result.

But really - there's this ridiculous prevailing myth that if a guy just does a bit of cleaning up his wife/partner will want to jump his bones.

Arousal = excitement.

Cleaning = support.

Excitement without support = erratic unreliable but fun partner

Support without excitement = companionship style relationship.

You want a mix of both. The question should be "what can deliver more of?" not "how much cleaning do you do?"

[DeepBreath]

I feel compelled to share a bit more here because I'm finally in a really good headspace after fighting this issue for so long.

I know exactly what it's like, to be rejected night after night, to do everything you can to create the right environment for intimacy, to go to a bit of effort to be noticed, to go weeks and weeks without so much as a kiss or a hold of the hands. I've been really deep in the hole with this on a kind of cycle for years.

It's often the really generous supportive guys that go through this. Guys who are selfless to a fault. The guys (I suppose this happens to women as well? ) that see an intimacy problem and try and solve it with, care, closeness, and encouraging more intimacy.

My advice is to take the pressure off the intimacy. It's really unhealthy to dwell so much on a problem. It's bad for you. It's consuming and really difficult, but you gotta start nudging things in a different direction.

Do fun things. Things you find genuinely fun. Look after yourself - for you, not for the goal of having more sex. Getting fit, eating well, going out, trying new things feels good. The more time you spend doing this the less time you'll spend sitting on the couch next to your wife feeling hurt and furious that she hasn't had sex with you for 67 days (and if you're like me you'll know the exact number of days since). Catch up with friends regularly. You'll still have downs but they'll be less frequent and less intense.

If you feel completely neglected, don't neglect yourself as well! Sure - nothing replaces sexual intimacy. It's a really special and exciting part of life, but it's only part of life. Most likely your wife doesn't enjoy rejecting you and seeing you hurting. She would probably prefer to flick a switch and change the situation too, but when there is so much intensity around sex (including when you intensely try to make sure everything is perfect) it's hard for those hormones to start flowing.

[Paul_Me]

Agree with you Apollo ! I think DB should stop humiliating himself and start looking at things that might make his life better .

[Paul_Me]

Hi All !

I just want to leave my support here to all of you ( men or women ) who are passing through the same problems as Steven 1.

Unfortunately , I don’t think there is a quick fix for it ; either you accept it and try to leave your life as best as you can without sex , or you walk away and restart your journey with someone else who has the same sex drive as you . Mismatched libido is one of the most difficulties things that a counselor has to deal with .

I have been trying to find successful stories about couples who underwent sex therapy , but most of them will recur - never heard about a partner ( either men or women) who became a sex machine after coconut oil , housechores shared or couple sex therapy with a counselor . It can definitively improve your life, but don’t expect miracles , otherwise you will became more frustrated like me - believe me , I been there and nothing worked . On the other hand , plenty of stories of people who turned the table after walking away and starting in a new relationship .

Please , I am not telling you to walk away , but you have to stop being sorry for yourselves and start enjoying other things in your life !! The chances are that your other half will feel less pressure and will feel more comfortable around you because there won’t be any pressure for sex .

So , learn how to deal with it and don’t take it personally , don’t leave it to affect your self steem and the way you enjoy live ! Start doing sports , go to the Gym , lose weight , go fishing , start that project you have being postponing for ages , get closer to your kids and you will feel better about yourself ,

Thank you for reading

Paul

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Paul and all those who've ventured onto this thread Steven1 began quite a while ago. It's really interesting how it keeps attracting posts long after the original member's flown. I don't think I've seen it happen on another thread tbh.

I usually go into a spiel about starting your own thread, but considering how active it is on here, I have to concede to its validity and need above usual protocol.

Personally, I can appreciate everything that's written. As a woman though, that type of desire isn't PC if you know what I mean. I see people are 'gender inclusive' when making comments, but I'm thinking this might be more polite than anything.

No issues mind you, as knowing what others feel is a guessing game until it's pretty much spelled out.

I haven't had sex for four yrs. "Awwwe.." sigh's the crowd. A mismatched libido or no sex for 67 days? I WISH!!! At least you have another body in the room. You can try to analyse everything till you're blue in the face my friends; but at the end of the day, you'll always be one up on me.

I guess that doesn't address the issue of a sexless marriage, I'm envious all the same. It goes without saying that for me, lack of intimacy runs at #1. Yes...I'm a woman; I promise!

2nd is being able to share responsibilities; mowing the lawn gets harder every year. My #3 is companionship. I wish it were different, I really do. I suppose I'm trying to give some semblance of perspective to our complaints.

Anyway, I just happened along and found your post Paul. I probably needed to write about how I feel. So thanks for giving me that opportunity.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

[geoff]

hi Paul, if you walk away from a r/ship/marriage because it's sexless and then hook up with someone else, the sex will start off being great, but it's most likely going to end up in the same situation, 'out of the pan and into the fire'.
Of course you can go looking and find someone on the side but this may terminate the r/ship/marriage and only make your situation worse.
Sex therapy may help but only for a short time and it's certainly not the 'be–all and end–all', women need the appreciation they deserve, but also the same applies for the men. Geoff.

[Guest_1055]

Hi Paul,

I felt so encourage by these words you wrote:

"Please , I am not telling you to walk away , but you have to stop being sorry for yourselves and start enjoying other things in your life !! The chances are that your other half will feel less pressure and will feel more comfortable around you ....." and

"So , learn how to deal with it and don’t take it personally , don’t leave it to affect your self steem and the way you enjoy live ! Start doing sports , go to the Gym , lose weight , go fishing , start that project you have being postponing for ages , get closer to your kids and you will feel better about you...."

I think that is what my hubby may be experiencing . Pressure from me. So he does not feel comfortable and wants to be far away from me as possible . Maybe I am pushing him away, because he does not want to feel pressured??

Anyway I appreciate your words there Paul and thanks heaps.

Shell

[aegidius]

Paul is right - pressure is the problem. The solution is harder than it sounds, but worth it.

I'm adjusting to a sex-free life now (wife with medical condition - a UTI went rogue and nearly killed her). It's not easy but it's just something we'll have to go through. And she misses out too. Imagination (both mental and physical) may fill the gap somewhat, but first we need to overcome fears and concerns.

[Paul_Me]

Hi Sara ,

Thanks for your comments ; I see your point . Many people are scared of leaving their comfort zone due different reasons : financial hardship , lack of self steem , children , fear of not finding another partner and being lonely etc You name it !

There is a very thin line between PC and comfort zone with very few exceptions ;

I understand lack of desire is not a personal choice ,however having a high sex drive isn’t either !! It is a two way road and both sides have to be listened to.

For many of us , is easy to stay in our comfort zone and wait and see if things get better - most of times they won’t .... So , put changes in place to make your life better - there are things you just can’t change in life , and I think mismatched libido is one of them ... unfortunately!

There is nothing worse than being lonely when you are not alone . I bet you money i feel more lonely than you sometimes , even when I have another body in the room .

Thanks for your thoughts

Paul Me