My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

Steven1 · ‎13-04-2015

Hey guys. I am hoping I am not the only guy in this boat... my wife never wants to have sex with me. We are still relatively young (I am 30 and she is 29) and we have been married 4 years, been together about ten. We used to have a pretty active sex life but it has gone dormant since we had kids about 3 years ago. She always says she is tired and makes excuses like she can't be bothered or other trivial things. And she never comes on to me. I always have to initiate it and I feel rejected and horrible when she knocks me back.

Being depressed and having low self esteem probably makes it seem worse, but I take it pretty badly being knocked back and going without sex for months. I feel maybe she isn't attracted to me or in love with me anymore but she denies this. I don't know what to think anymore. Any thoughts anyone?

capitalguy · ‎07-10-2018

Thanks @readytocrack, your post made a lot of sense.

I got up from bed about a while ago after lying awake for ages stressing about my relationship with my wife. While I can’t remember the exact date anniversary, this month is pretty much three years since my wife and I had any sexual contact. There’s been a few kisses along the way but none of them would have lasted beyond 5-10 seconds and always rushed by my wife ... there is always something more important for her. It’s been years of rejection and forlorn hope that she’ll come around.

Anyway, without unloading everything here right now, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who has been so honest in posting your honest and frank feelings. It’s given me the boost i need to speak with my wife again about how we might fix our relationship going forward. We’re both in our late 40s and have two kids in high school, so I hope we can fix things.

But just telling someone)or everyone haha) has been rather cathartic. Thanks again.

Doolhof · ‎08-10-2018

Hi capitalguy,

Welcome tot he community here. You may have noticed this thread has not been used for a while so I am not sure how many responses you will receive here. Hopefully others will notice this thread is active again and will join in.

If you don't receive many responses here and if you feel comfortable, you might like to start a thread of your own so you have more interaction.

In saying that, a lot of people have shared here, so there is still a lot to be gained from all that has already been shared here. I believe I have contributed here myself.

Sorry to read about your relationship and the lack of intimacy. I do understand what that is like but from the other side of the coin as I am female. My husband decided years ago he would prefer a 20 year old when we are both now 50.

I hope you are able to talk to your wife about how you are feeling. Would couple's counselling be something you could try? Relationships Australia may be able to help with a few suggestions.

We have had separate bedrooms for years now, my husband's idea not mine. Recently I had a slight accident and had a lot of trouble doing anything for myself. My husband offered to help me to bed. I was so uncomfortable with the idea of getting undressed in front of him, that I went to bed with my clothes on.

Chat with your wife. Hopefully it will not turn into an argument and hopefully cruel words will not be said. It is hard to erase those awful degrading words once they have been said.

Love and care comes in many forms. I know I have had to accept that changes in marriages do occur and sometimes there is no going back, forwards is the only way. Finding a new sense of being.

Wishing you all the best.

Cheers from Dools

Hockeychap · ‎30-07-2019

All this is my first post and I specifically went searching for this issue regarding sex in marriage. My wife and i have been together for nearly twenty years and married for 13, we have 3 children all above 9. There was always an imbalance in our relationship in terms of sex drive however my wife also had deep depression issues that as a younger man i failed to address. I took lack of sex as being lack of loving on her behalf towards me, I felt rejected and unloved when actually she loved me very much. I had a void, a need for intimacy and turned to massage parlors and pornography to fill a gap rather than speaking openly to my wife. Sex with my wife was sporadic but overall around 5 to 10 times per year and it was very good when it happened. Stress would get teh better of my wife and she shut down, whereas in stressful situations I would crave to be close to her, we have had to deal with very difficult episodes in our life like most couples. I though i was coping by seeking affection elsewhere, that somehow this created balance in my life when all it created was lies and made me feel empty and even more lonely. About 3 years ago my wife discovered what had been going on and wa devestated, in a way i was relieved. the pronography and massage parlours were empty souless places that ate away at who I was. We went to counselling and i finally learnt how damaged I was and how wrong I had been about my wife loving me, my upbringing led me to distance myself from others and I had very low self esteem. Today we are not having sex and it has been maybe twice in teh last year or so, it isn't on her radar although she says she still loves me.

I'm not sure how to go on with the marriage , I have no crutch no for intimacy but I know my wife also needs me as do the kids of course. I would love to go back to the 1 time per month but its not going to happen, am I selfish for wanting affection?

Reading all of the other posts has been great to understand there are others who have the same issues

James01 · ‎17-08-2019

Hey Steven1,

I'm not sure if you get notifications from this thread... and i know your last reply was like 4 years ago... but i'm in a similar situation to you and i'm really lost and alone right now.

Reading this thread has helped, i feel less alone now.

This may seem absurd, but i feel really connected to your story. I'm not sure if i'm looking for strength to keep going, or to make a tough decision but I would really like to know how things worked our for you?

Thank you for sharing your story.

Jacaranda72 · ‎08-10-2019

I am on the other side of this coin. I am a wife of 22 years who has not had sex with her husband for about 7 years. We don’t argue at all and we don’t talk about it. I guess he’s just decided he has to accept it to keep our marriage intact for the sake of our children. I have anxiety and depression. I See a psychiatrist fortnightly and am just resigned to living this limited life.

Wanderer276 · ‎09-10-2019

Having been married 13 years with 4 kids. We had an amazing sex life pre-kids. Now I am in depression as a women doesnt understand a man bases his self-worth on if his wife wants him. As a very confident person, years of rejection have eroded me away to depression.... I can't leave because I love my wife and kids, but I can't see an end to the torture and torment of being unloved. My wife is an amazing person whom I adore, but how does one exist feeling unloved and unwanted.... It is so sad that a person can do this, she says she loves me but really... like a n earlier person said, sex has become a reward, how does that work when everything I do is wrong. I have given up on sex and basically our marriage now. I am 40, fit and active, great kids and externally a happy life,but I am living a hollow and sad existence.

Wanderer276 · ‎10-10-2019

Sorry to hear, it is challenging as it makes one feel worthless, I can understand your struggle, as whilst not wanting to separate as the rest of our lives are amazing, this has driven a huge wedge between us, and for a very strong and confident person I have found depression, often crying in my car....

Not_a_robot · ‎05-11-2019

Hi Wanderer276, I hear you and your words echo my thoughts exactly. 15 years of marriage, 2 amazing kids. I love my wife and kids to bits, and I do genuinely believe my wife still loves me. But there is zero physical intimacy other than my wife wanting a cuddle to help her get to sleep. After years of an almost sexless marriage, I am becoming resentful and less attracted to my wife.

She simply isn't interested in sex. Hasn't been for years. I would always have to initiate things, only to be rejected 99% of the time, and I've basically given up. Ironically, on the rare occasion that my wife and I are intimate (maybe once every 6 months) she says how great it is and we need to do this more often.

At times I just accept that this is how things are. I have plenty of healthy distractions - I enjoy work, my kids are fabulous, I'm exceptionally fit and love my competitive sports. These distractions have kept me getting by.

But at times, it gets the better of me. I fail to see how we will stay together as the kids grow up. I'm not sure whether the lack of physical intimacy (not just no sex, but we just don't have much physical contact anymore in general) is a cause of our problems or a symptom. But I do know that we are drifting apart and it saddens me. Never thought it would happen

blondguy · ‎05-11-2019

Hi Wanderer.. Not a Robot.. Jacaranda72... James1 and HockeyChap (the most recent posts)

Even though this thread topic is old it is still an important one

Dools posted an excellent point on October 8 2018....."If you don't receive many responses here and if you feel comfortable, you might like to start a thread of your own so you have more interaction" Thanks Dools!

I am not married yet its an awful feeling when sex is withheld

Wanderer276 mentioned " it is challenging as it makes one feel worthless" Wanderer is spot on here

Not a Robot mentioned "I am becoming resentful and less attracted to my wife" Very good point

Of course there are many genuine reasons why 'withholding' intimacy is concerned....Yet it can have a detrimental affect on a relationship....a marriage and especially if there is children involved that also suffer as result of lack of TLC/Intimacy between their parents

just my opinion

my kind thoughts

Paul

aegidius · ‎20-12-2019

@wanderer276 and not_a_robot: Agree entirely. Compounded when one is in the late 60's and there is no Plan B. The chance of another relationship now is zero, so not thinking about that at all. The only Plan B is to be alone, and there's too much to lose. We all come to this stage eventually with sex, don't we?