My story- just keep moving

[1113]

My depression started 20 odd years ago. So many bad things have happened in my life that remembering them is not something that I am able to cope with at the best of times. Some of these things have caused depression, some of them because of depression. It also hits me hard for no reason when all is going well. Its the major depressive episodes when I become to ill to cope, its like my soul/ existence leaves completely. Anxiety goes hand in hand with depression, and my anxiety is matching the level of my depression, just going outside is a painful experience. High level anxiety can last for days on end. Negative thoughts impact my everything, fleeting, unrealistic/uncontrollable. I forget who I am, where I put things/day it is. I don't think that I am good enough. This is not true, I know that from past experience. It effects every part of my life, family, friends, work. Most people don't understand why.

Why can't I have fun? When will I be normal? Why is this? Questions sometimes cause more problems and all I can do is take every day one step at a time until the major depression passes (its been 3 months already) or until the medication settles. Medication changes for me have side effects which can escalate other present symptoms. Mental health is so important. Don't hide it, with every ounce of your being tell someone. Get help. Reach out. Except. Go against what you feel. You are worth it.

I hid myself from society for many years because I felt that nobody understood. This was a mixture of anxiety and my naturally reclusive mentality that depression moulded me into. Its extremely difficult for me to decipher at times with all the chatter of negative thoughts what is reality or not. I never let anyone close to me so that I'm not a burden on them and I'm untrusting to others because of the fear of being hurt. People have a natural ability to push away the weird and undesired. So this makes it easier to do but not right.

All these symptoms mashed together make psychosis and inevitable agrophobia. Luckily this only effects me for a few weeks but the time it takes to recover from that to being able is far longer.

Its time for me to be me again. Clarity is still far away but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to keep moving.

[Doolhof]

Hi again, I have responded to one of your other posts on a different thread.

Hopefully you are finding it helpful and beneficial to open up and share how you are feeling. Many of us struggle to understand and comprehend depression and other mental health issues.

Some people posting here have found it reassuring to know that others have similar issues with their depression, to realise they are not weird, strange or abnormal, that others react and behave much the same.

Depression is an illness that some people just don't understand so they don't tolerate it very well in others. There are people out there who are willing to listen, to care and to help.

You may find it beneficial to read some of the information on this site under Get Support and The Facts. You may come across something that will help you on your journey.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[1113]

Hello Mrs dools,

It felt great just to vent. I do hope that sharing my story can help others. I am receiving help atm and should be back on my way soon. I'm not sure what to do with this forum and hope that my post was ok. I could probably brush up on my social skills.

Thanks

1113

[Nickname_65BD5CCF-CA54-46]

You give me hope that I can endure this demon for as long.

[1113]

Thank you

I'm not sure how long you have been suffering. But I know it gets better, at some point you will be going so well that you'll forget that you even have it. Just make sure you keep your chin up. Hopefully the cloud will clear soon.

1113

[Doolhof]

Hi 1113,

It does help to vent doesn't it! We never know who will benefit in some way by the words we share here on this forum. Look at Grok, who has responded by saying you have given a sense of hope.

If you feel like a bit more social interaction you might like to check out the Social Zone. There are various virtual cafes you can pop into and chat with people.

There are quite a few different games as well, if you like animals there is a pet thread, or if there is a particular hobby or interest you have, you could start up your own thread in the social zone.

Your post was certainly okay. Regards the forum, people use this place how ever they need to. Some like to post all of the time, some may just read and hardly ever post, some may take a break for a while then return. What ever suits you is okay.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[1113]

I haven't felt so comfortable using my phone socially for some time. FB makes me so anxious and snap chat the same. I see all my friends with a life that I wish I could have and I can't bring myself to comment or anything. This platform will grow my strength just knowing that others are going through the same or even harder times than me. Just the thing i need right now. I'm feeling confident and not anxious.

Thank you.

I will see what i can come up with in the social zone

[Doolhof]

Hi again,

It is excellent you are feeling confident while connecting here. Just one word of advice, sometimes reading negative stuff people are going through can make you feel negative yourself if you are not having such a good day.

If you start to feel that way, just head over to the social zone or reconnect here again when you feel up to it.

Regarding Facebook, I quite often just look at the pictures and don't read the text that goes with it unless it is something I am really interested in.

I'm just over 50 years old now, before all this social media stuff became available, I managed quite okay and figure I can still do just as well if I don't engage in it all.

Cheers!

[1113]

Hi mrs d,

Im starting to notice about the negative influences of others stories. I am a compassionate person and will always try to help anyone. But I am fighting one of my hardest battles to date. With myself. I dirft in and out of reality. I have good moments and extremely hard ones. All this can happen in just 1 hour. Anxiety one minute depression the next. Feelings of agrophobia then moments of low level anxiety. Memory is a killer and all my days for the last 4 months feel like one mashed up messy minute. I dont have bpd just major d that incorporates many extreme symtoms. I refuse heavy meds from past experience, they are highly adictive and cause so many problems later. Ivee had so many of these major episodes that i know what is exactly going on with me but cannot stop it from happening. This is intense torture. I am in so much pain and I have so much to live for, I want to be happy/well/norm/confident/contented/feel anything just something except this. Im not the type to do anything stupid. Im just reaching out for comfort. What do you do when all seems blurrrrtttrt?

[Doolhof]

Hi 1113,

The battle with oneself can be a major struggle can't it! I was having a huge fight with my brain yesterday! I had to keep telling myself I was thinking irrationally and I did not have to put those thoughts into action.

In saying that I did vacuum the house 5 times! That was certainly a lot better than some of the other options my brain was coming up with. I also went out into the garden and pulled up hundreds of weeds. We have 2.5 acres here to weed! Some areas are inaccessible with a lawn mower!

Sounds like medication has been a bother to you in the past. There is a post here about medications, not sure exactly what the title is now, but if you can find it , may be beneficial to read.

I tried a period of time with out medication for my depression. It didn't go well. I had daily suicidal thoughts plus a lot of other negative stuff happening. I had to return to taking medication. The chemicals in my brain just don't function as they should. I am a lot better on medication than I am off it.

My husband was on a very low dose and it helped him immensely, so much so that he is now off the tablets and doing well. Would you consider a short course of medication just to help you through this really tough patch?

Have you spoken recently to your Dr about how you are feeling? Would you consider seeing a counsellor?

Regarding the negative stuff on some of the posts, while you are feeling so low, it may be an idea to not read so many tough posts. Have you connected to or looked at anything in the Social Zone? There are some cheery threads there and games to join in with.

When life sucks for me I drink coffee and eat chocolate! I do something physical, go for a walk or pull weeds. I may read a book to help me fill my head with something else, I plan outings with friends, go to the beach or a park.

If I am restricted for some reason from doing any of these, I try to breathe deep and slowly, tell myself these are my irrational thoughts taking over, try to find something to distract me, make plans to do something nice later on, go to the toilet so I can escape and think clearly for a moment, think of something pleasant or try to find the best of the situation I am in.

Would you like a cyber hug? If so then I am sending you one. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I understand how hard mental health issues can be.

Sending you understanding and compassion, from Mrs. D