What do you fear (today)?

[The_Abyss]

In line with my "when were you last truly happy" post, I wondered about what other people fear?

Is it an "every day fear", or is it a "just today" fear?

Do you fear getting out of bed? Do you fear opening the mail? Do you fear the phone ringing? Do you fear being alone? Do you fear the darkness descending? Do you fear confrontations? Do you fear rejection? Do you fear not feeling anything at all?

I wonder if just voicing that fear, sharing that fear, will help to take away it's power? Or will it give it life?

For me, my big fear at the moment is being found out. Fearing my kids or family will come across my posts. Fear a colleague will recognise my writing style or circumstances. Fear that someone will see through this big brave front I put on to get through the door each day. Fear that someone sees my vulnerability.

[sydneyharbour17]

I fear "going crazy".

I have pretty severe anxiety with occasional intrusive thoughts and depersonalisation/dissociation aspects. Logically, I know that anxiety can't make you lose your mind because it's just surges of adrenaline causing the symptoms but my sister has schizophrenia so I sometimes convince myself that it's just a matter of time before my anxiety somehow morphs into her condition. It's a hard thing to shake.

[Hollow12]

I have a fear of being alone. I fear my health and that I wont be here for my children. This is a daily fear.

I fear failure. I put on a strong front. I worry people will find out the truth.

[The_Abyss]

I hear you Sydney. Mine is my mother - I have watched her struggle with her mental health my whole life, and now that I am faltering, it terrifies me that I have more than "just" depression. And as someone recently reminded me, you are not your sister. Keep fighting.

Welcome Hollow. Thank you for choosing here to dip your toe in the water. The fear of failure is a common one for many of us. It is often something that stems from our youth, and is reinforced through our destructive life experiences. I too put on that strong front - "fake it till you make it" kind of thing, all the time worried that someone will see through the ruse. Are you seeing anyone at the moment (help-wise)? Is the fear that you won't be here for your kids related to your health or your mental state at the moment? If the kids are what are keeping you grounded, then hold on to that, and make them your primary reason to get up each day and get well. Do you fear being alone because of a partner? Are you staying with a partner because of that fear? There is a lot of support on these forums. I found it took me a few days to find where I was most comfortable, and found I have disclosed a little here and a little there, a comment here, another there. It all helps.

Thank you both for sharing your fears.

TA

[Rhu]

Today I fear losing my job. My anxiety issues are making it hard for me to focus on work, and I've been told by the boss that if my performance doesn't improve in a month, I'm going to lose my job. I'm afraid of the humiliation and the disappointment if it were to happen.

I fear that my family and friends will find out about my anxiety and think there's something wrong with me.

[The_Abyss]

That's a lot for you to deal with Rhu. I too fear being "found out" by my family and colleagues, mostly I think because I'm not yet comfortable with my own diagnosis. Just to be devil's advocate, if your family and friends found out, would any of them be an allay? Are there any of them that you can test the water with and 'feel out' their reaction? What is the worst case scenario of what would happen if they did find out?

I wonder if it's the fear of humiliation rather than the fear of losing your job that is greater? If you lose your job, is there a possibility of another job elsewhere? What would it take for you to keep this job? Could you speak to the boss and say, look, I have anxiety issues. I know I'm not performing at my best right now. Could you help me to achieve?

By the way, I don't have the answers. I have the same fears as you, I am as lost as you. I am sure there are multiple others out there as well. Sometimes just knowing others share your fears is enough to help take away their power.

Thank you for having the courage to share.

TA

[gibby3794]

My fears/ causes of anxiety over the last few weeks (some longer) are

answering the phone (I have debts and all utilities are overdue on their payment plans)

Mail, same reason, even though it's a only a letter it still causes anxiety sometimes, but sometimes I can open bills, final notices before escalation etc and not care same with texts

That my electricity or gas will be disconnected, landline and NBN already are suspended but that I don't care about

That I'm not going to be able to do my end of lease work on my house and get blacklisted (rubbish removal, lawns, painting etc) due to only receiving 150 a fortnight after rent

my main fear though is that I will be alone and unhappy forever

[Quercus]

Hi Gibby3794,

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. I'm not sure about other states but my psych told me once about a program in WA called HUGS (hardship utility grant scheme). I didn't look into it but it came to mind reading your post. Maybe you could ask around and find out if there is anything similar in your area which might help? Also maybe if you talk to the real estate agent and are honest about your situation they might go a bit easier on you or even give you a payment plan for reimbursing them for the end of lease chores. It's worth a try. Take care of yourself and I hope things get easier for you soon.

The Abyss you've got a gift for threads that make you stop and think! I think that's a great thing, thankyou.

I fear....

That I'll never learn to accept my past and that I'll never be able to escape feeling trapped, pathetic and worthless sometimes.

Hmm not a helpful thought. But another important realisation.

[The_Abyss]

Thanks Quercus! I often see thread ideas in other people's comments! I am trying to limit myself!

I guess my hope for this thread is that by having somewhere to "deposit" our fears (even on a daily basis), it may allow us to have a better day. It saves the mind from obsessing over it all day because it has been shared.

Thank you too for offering help to Gib.

My fear today is becoming overwhelmed. I dread Mondays - they are my busiest day (through both work and extra activities), and with a busy week ahead, I can easily fall back into a heap.

I also have a long drive ahead of me tonight. The last time I did this trip, things did not go well. I fear that if I fail to return safely from this trip, my family will find my posts and journals, misinterpret them and feel it is all their fault.

My fear for the week is not staying on top of my uni work. Another week has slipped by already.

[Rhu]

Hi TA,

Like you I'm still trying to come to terms with all this anxiety issues and still trying to work it out and find ways to manage it. I had crippling anxiety attacks several years ago due to some cancer diagnoses and deaths amongst close family members, and then it settled down slowly. But since then, I find I'm still prone to getting bouts of anxiety attacks when I'm stressed or worried about something. I did tell my mother about the anxiety issues two years back, but in my experience, anxiety is one of those things people don't really understand unless you've been through it yourself. If I told my family, they'd support me, but I doubt they'd really understand what I'm going through.

As to to the job issue, I might be able get a position elsewhere, but the nature of my job makes it hard to find a place elsewhere in the middle of the year. Right now it's not so much about financial issues - it's more that I need to complete the traineeship, and the thought of the disappointment and humiliation of being fired is just making the anxiety a lot worse. My boss knows about it, but she said the part about me being fired if I don't improve is non negotiable.

Thanks for your advise - and you're right, it really makes a difference knowing I'm not along in this struggle!