Just want to Shout out

[Guest_1055]

I am just so tired, and I don't think I can try anymore. All I want to do is curl up tight and cry and cry. I am sick of this, and I even feel cross, as I said that. I can't do this, I just can't. And I don't think I want to anymore. I am not asking for any advice really and I am aware of the phone numbers and such., etc. But I just want to shout and shout out loud and say that I am plain sick of this. I am tired of struggling to get to where ever it is that I am going. I don't think I am making any sense either. So since I am unable to shout out in real life at the moment. I hope it is okay with whoever who reads this that I am virtually going to shout out now. I also feel like punching out, because it is just too much. It's too much.

I HATE THIS, JUST HATE IT. I AM TIRED OF FAILING AND FAILING. I JUST WANT TO GO.

[Doolhof]

Dear Shell,

Sending you special greetings acknowledging your pain and hurt. Don't you just wish at times all of this would just bugger off! (Am I allowed to use that word here?)

Do you feel like running outside and screaming your lungs out, crying bucket loads of tears, breaking something, hiding, running away, or something totally different?

Sometimes I wish I knew where the off switch to mental health issues was hiding. I could tell you that it is actually inside of each one of us, but right now, when you are struggling big time, I might as well tell you to pull your socks up.

Instead, I will tell you that I care for you, that I am so very thankful for all of the times you have helped and supported me in the past, that you are worthy, acknowledged and validated.

Thinking of you dear Shell and offering you some virtual flowers of your choice and hugs too if you want them.

Cheers from Dools, Mrs. D. ( Maybe I should make up my mind which title to use, I am only confusing myself. Ha. Ha.)

[velvetfaerie]

Your words helped me Mrs D.

I agree - happiness / contentment is a within thing. I am guilty of letting people push my self worth at times. I understand both sides of the coin. I seem to bounce over both. Maybe it is a bipolar thing **shrug**.

Shell - I hope you've managed the walks you were mentioning. Endorphins = fabulous things they are 😄

v.

[Guest_1055]

Gee you got a real bargain there with the clothes Nat. Especially something for your cousins wedding. I am happy for you that your hubby took an interest in you to even see what you bought. And even more so that he sees again a women that he married like an individual person ....and not only a women who happens to be a mother as well. It's beautiful. And do you feel beautiful wearing those clothes as well. Maybe a bit like you felt on your wedding day?

As to self esteem issue....I think I have been allowing others, well mainly one person affect what I think about myself. So if I perceive them treating me like a piece of dirt, then I start feeling worthless and like a piece of nothing. It has been a challenge to even walk tall. Not someone proud , but rather someone that feels valued. People are going to let you down and not treat you kindly all the time. ( physical / domestic abuse excluded here though) .

As to a haircut... mmm I read somewhere else that you got one Nat. A haircut is a big issue for me. I rarely have them. But I will very soon. It has been suggested to me from a couple of people.

And I am now drinking in this heavenly scent of these roses in a vase. They are mainly a soft pink colour and they are here on my beside table. I have a feeling you would love the scent also.... Sweet and heavenly with no nasty chemical smell.

Thanks Nat for writing to me, I actually read it yesterday and I could feel happier tears there. I am okay today... much more of an inward peace.

Shell xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Shell and All,

Self esteem can be wonderful! Even lifting my head a little while I walk down the street makes me feel better about myself.

I have been thinking about a totally different hair cut recently too. Might have to call the local hair dresser and see what she suggests.

My husband has given up suggesting I get rid of the greys! I could do it myself at home but gee, I make such a mess! Does anyone else get hair colour on the bathroom ceiling when they colour their hair or is that only me?

My hair is very thick and about shoulder length. Takes about three packets of hair colour to start to make a difference. Ha. Ha.

One hot summers day I actually used the hose outside to wash the colouring through so I didn't have to scrub the bathroom after! The hairdressers charge me a small fortune to colour my hair!

Shaving my head and buying a wig is another alternative.

Maybe I will start with booking in for a hair cut.

A friend does Dreadlocks...mmmm...maybe not quite my style.

Cheers all from Dools

[White_Rose]

Dear Shell

I see you are having an uncomfortable time lately. When our self esteem is knocked it really feels like the pits. Of course the ideal is to have a sufficiently strong sense of self that the comments from others do not have that dreadful impact on us. But where do we get it from?

As Mrs D said, where's the off switch for mental illness. It seems we have to learn all sorts of new ways in our search for good health and often it seems we need to learn them all together. I did laugh at Quercus buying something without asking to use the credit card, but it was a fellow feeling. There was a time when I would have hesitated and that made me cranky. I believe I am responsible about finances (well usually) and don't max the credit card or the bank account, so why do we need 'permission'.

You are quite right about allowing anyone to affect how you think about yourself. I did this for years and still catch myself changing what I want to do or say because of the displeasure I think I see in someone else. Silly when you look at it objectively but not much fun when it happens.

So how do we get over this? Well I'm not sure. I have decided that when I think something is OK, such as doing or saying something and I suspect it will bring disapproval, I make an effort to do what I intended. Then I look at the impact on the other(s). You know I often see no disapproval and realise it is my own insecurities showing. All those years to find out I was doing it to myself.

I don't know if that helps at all. I hope it does. I also want to tell you how much I have admired your tenacity ever since you started writing on BB. You were so shy and insecure but you kept hanging in there. Now you start your own discussion threads and choose topics that many people relate to. You are also more open with your life and invite others to comment. Telling us you are not happy is something Shelley would not have done a while ago.

So pat yourself on the back, you have taken many huge steps forward and it shows. Keep up the good work.

Mary

[Quercus]

Hi Shelley (and Mrs D and Mary 😊),

I'm glad to hear you feel a bit of peace. Funny enough I have only ever owned one rose (not my favourite flower generally) and it is pale pink with the most beautiful scent. But I'm glad you found some joy in your day.

Self esteem is hard. I got angry at the psychiatrist this week. Yeah ok so I know WHY I feel this way but how do I CHANGE how I feel?? What do I DO?

I suspect it's just practice. Making new habits of caring for ourselves and considering ourselves and what we want. I figure it's like exercise... It's easy once there is a routine. So maybe we need to add asking ourselves "how do I feel about this?" to the process of making a decision. What do you think?

The op shopping was hubby's attempt at a new feel good method because I have lost too many coping mechanisms (running machine is the newest) and I feel very low. It works a bit.

I may not like me but at least I look like I care about myself somewhat. He is very good to me I am lucky. Hehe Mary yep the card issue is on me. He just looked at the bags and said good deal (and picked up overtime today sigh).

Oh the wedding is on Nan's farm in summer so it's not fancy fancy. Noone will be in heels. My sister keeps teasing Mum that she's wearing her workboots with her dress 😊.

Know something strange? When you hit bottom isn't it weird how you get to a point where you don't care what anyone thinks? Why does it take me having no energy for ANYTHING to stop caring about what others think. Hope it sticks around seeing as I go to a meeting on Tuesday for a new job. It would be nice to not care if I get it or not.

Sorry I was trying for uplifting and this emerged. Bleh. You're awesome Shelley please don't let anyone (me included) bring you down.

❤ Nat

[Guest_1055]

Hi Nat,

I have not practiced this enough as yet to determine if it is a valid way to change ones feelings... But I am thinking changing our feelings well it comes from changing our thoughts first..... I would like to give you an example, but my brain is a bit all over the place. As in my thoughts are somewhat scattered. I have been trying to write sentences and then keep deleting them....

It could be like a routine.... I am going to the gym now Nat, since your mentioning of a treadmill has prompted me. I will come back and write more to you, Mary, Velv and Mrs D. I actually like you Nat as well as Mrs D,Velv and Mary.

Shell xx

[Quercus]

Enjoy the gym Shelley 😊.

Is that the sort of thing you discuss on the walking group thread (how exercise helps) or is that more about motivating eachother to exercise?

Scattered thoughts... You've been peeking in my mind? I think I get what you mean about thoughts first before feelings. At the group therapy they talked about neural pathways so our thoughts getting used to following a particular pattern. They then mentioned creating new pathways by understanding the types of unhelpful thinking and cutting them off as soon as you notice them. The psychologist said at first it is effort because you're creating new neural pathways but with time and use (when the new path gets worn in) you won't have to try so hard to force your mind down the helpful path.

Is that somewhat in line with your idea? New thought processing resulting in new feelings?

[blondguy]

Hi Shelleybelly

Im sorry that I have been somewhat invisible on your thread. You have been on the forums for such a long time Shelleybelly. You bring peace to so many

I just wanted to say thankyou for your TLC and guidance when I joined the forums so depressed 20 months ago.

You are a legend to me (and many others) Shelley 🙂

Hugs (if thats okay of course)

Paul

[Guest_1055]

Thanks for thinking of me Mrs D. And yes please I will accept the flowers and the hug.. Kind of you....

And oh yeah... I have felt many times to run and run. ( you mentioned that in a precious post Mrs D) In fact I use to literally do that. A few years back whenever there was a situation I couldn't face or it just got too much, well I would drive off to the Blue Mountains. Thing was I eventually learnt that whatever it was that I thought I was running from, was inside of me. So in other words it went with me. But it was sort of calming to go there and look over the mountains even for a little bit

As for the screaming and crying buckets and buckets of tears... well yeah I have done that do.

Thankyou for saying you care. And I am glad that I have helped you in some way before.

And yes... you could get a hair cut too Mrs D. As for the dye? how does it get up the walls and such... mmm maybe you cannot see clearly what you are doing. I guess it would be a challenge to see.

May I ask you or any CC really, as I am curious? Why so many Community champions visiting this thread. It does seem a bit unusual ?? Just wondering is all.

I am much more peaceful today. I just wanted to re assure you of that.

Here is a hug for you too Mrs D.

Shell xx