It's over. Feel like giving up.

[Guest_223]

Hi, in the short time I've been on this forum, This is the last time I will be posting on here, I'm at the point where I feel like reaching out does nothing for me. I've done nothing but reach out over the last 18 months which is the most I've ever done in my life. To be honest rather than be helpful to me it has created more traumatising events in my life and I feel I need to avoid society. I'm never contacting a helpline again, not talking to the local mental health team, I'm going to full on avoid society, keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself, no matter what they are or how serious they are, and even when I don't feel safe like at the moment I won't be making the mistake of telling anyone of any plans or terrible thoughts.

[Kazzl]

Hello missmara, I'm Kaz.

I was reading your thread and something leapt out. 'I have almost no trust in anyone.' I was like that too when I was at my worst a few years ago, and I simply hid from life. Did what I had to do, but functioned as an empty shell - gave nothing, got nothing, didn't engage. I went to my doctor because I had to, but all I wanted was a pill to either make me better or make it end.

A year ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and, knowing a bit more about mental health by then, I took a different approach, which I hope might be relevant and helpful to you.

I read everything about bipolar and depression that I could lay my hands on - some quite deep research for a lay person. When I went to the doc I felt 'qualified' to ask questions, ask about alternatives, say no to some things. Sometimes I wrote my questions and thoughts out beforehand and took them with me for confidence.

It didn't make me an expert by any means, but it made me feel more confident and in control - in my mind I was a there as a capable person, not just patient with a set of symptoms.

I understand you have been experiencing ill health for a while, and BPD is difficult to diagnose and treat. But associated conditions, like depression, are common and treatable. So, don't give up because you feel you can't trust anyone - trust yourself. Teach yourself, immerse yourself in the whys and wherefores of your conditions, and take control.

I know it might feel like you don't have the strength or energy at the moment. But you have got strength within you - the illness has hidden it from you, but it's there. You're raising children, hardest job in the world! It's there.

There are good resources on this website and many others, including some specialising in BPD. These will help you learn about treatments, such as DBT for example, which has had some success with BPD.

Here's the thing - we do get through these times. We need our clinicians, yes. But a roundabout of fruitless appointments doesn't help. What helps is when we take control and make them work for us - the consumer. You can do this.

I'm keen to hear your thinking - what do you think you might do to get yourself to a point where you can have more control around your health? What would need to happen, and what support - from family and friends and us - might you need?

Very best to you

Kaz

[Guest_223]

Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately ive been told medication won't help me by one psychiatrist. Then a second psychiatrist said we should try something. I was only on this latest one for three weeks and gave up on it. Already having enough trouble eating as it is. Just can't handle the side effects. They were the same as last time I tried it and ending up stopping it for the same reason. I never told anyone that I stopped it this second time. I'm not even willing to try anything else either because I do not want to take a chance again. I really feel like there's no more hope. I'm exhausted from the constant cycle I'm in. I just can't handle this anymore.

[Kazzl]

Hi missmara - from what I understand, there isn't a drug specifically for BPD, but I'm not an expert. Talking therapy is usually the key treatment. Drugs can be used for associated conditions such as depression, but then there is the same issue that all people with depression face and that's finding the right drug. I sympathise with you on that - my husband had to try three before he found one that was effective and didn't give him nasty side-effects. But once he found the right one it was so very much better.

May I ask whether the drug you stopped was an antidepressant and if so how long ago you stopped taking it? I'm asking because the withdrawals could be contributing to your current depression. If that's the case the take heart - withdrawals ease with time. Horrible to go through but they do end.

Try hard to think beyond the immediate pain, and yes, I know that's very hard, but please try. What would you like to be doing in a week or a month's time? If you were laid low with a broken leg right now, but knowing you would get better, what would you be looking forward to?

We're here for you hun.

Kaz

[james1]

Hey missmara,

I've got BPD as well and Kaz is right. There's no drug for BPD but medication is used for the side effects of BPD like depression.

For me, I honestly do struggle with medication. It makes me sick and I stop wanting to use it, then I start forgetting to take it. But I am trying because I know it's hard for me to work on my talk therapy if the depression keeps getting in the way of stuff.

You sound pretty disappointed with how things have happened so far, and also afraid of more disappointment. I get that. It's something I spoke to my psych about the other day when I said I didn't want anything to change because, well, what if the problem was me and it would never get better?

Looking back, I can see that was my BPD and depression combining to get me to basically stay put and do nothing.

You've been trying really hard and we can't ask for much more of you. But I daresay with the right support, through both medication and therapy, your efforts will start to show results to you. So I just wanted to remind you that we are noticing how much effort you're putting in, even just to post here, despite how hard each day and even minute is for you.

James

[blondguy]

Hi Missmara

There is great advice above from people who also suffer too.

I have had chronic anxiety and then depression for a total of 35 years.

I understand the side effects are bad news....I will keep my post short as reading paragraphs can be hard work with BPD depression or anxiety.

The talk therapy does work.......I feel your pain Missmara...a lot

We are here for you no worries

my kind thoughts

Paul

[geoff]

hello Missmara, I'm sorry that I have just picked up your thread now, but it's one which we all are worried about with lots of great talk and discussion amongst the many good people.
It's highly indifferent for a therapist/counsellor not to show any emotion when you have been spending the last 30 minutes pouring your heart out, because it tells you that they aren't connected with you and perhaps not interested in what you have said, because remember it's taken you a long time to accept what others have been telling you that you should see a psychologist/psychiatrist, but for me the latter were always terrible.
I would ask them questions after I regained my composure, because to me these were important, hoping for any help, but no reply, not even a reaction from them, so what does it do, made me go deeper into myself and wondered why the hell I should try.
My neurologist referred me to a local GP who told me that the psychologist at the clinic was very good, well, of course, they would say that however, she was good and I saw her for 20 odd years, but then the crunch came, she upped and left, without telling me.
Another psychologist wouldn't treat me because I was self-medicating with alcohol.
I was then referred to another psychologist, even though I had overcome my demons, but he was terrible, denied everything I said with his smug grin, refused to accept that I needed any medication and whatever I was suffering from shouldn't be so, always interrupted me when I was talking, so since then I haven't seen anyone else, although probably at times I need someone who I can talk to about anything.
I am wondering if you have ever considered ECT, I know it's a big ask for you to think about, perhaps you can research it, but would love to know your thoughts. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Dear Missmara,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I have not read all the replies you have received, I just want to add that you are not alone in how you are feeling.

The struggle can be horrible and feel pointless, I don't know why it has to be so hard some days. Try and find just one good thing to be thankful for at the end of the day. In the morning think of something nice you would like to do for yourself.

I'd like to encourage you to talk to your Dr about the medication. I found it helped me to take mine in the evening. I did this after discussing it with the Dr and to take it with a glass of water or milk and food.

The queasiness isn't pleasant, I eat peanuts or dry toast to help fix that. Small amounts of food often helps me.

Giving up sounds great sometimes doesn't it? But it is not the answer. Keep sharing how you are feeling here. People do care.

I get the struggle.

From Mrs. D.

[Jessicatherese94]

Hi missmara88, so sorry to hear what you're going through. The reality is that sometimes you do have to shop around for the right psychiatrist/psychologist until you find one that you like. From someone that has dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts, I think the fact that you are still here is a testament to the fact that you really can survive this. I know that it is hard but the one thing about life is that we must never give up. You must find that one little voice that wants you to stay alive and always has. Trust me when I say that you will not regret the decision to choose to live because things do actually get better. I know the feeling of not seeing a future, but we can't ever predict what is going to happen in the future and that's the wonderful thing about it. You do have a future you just have to choose it and believe in it. Please keep posting and telling us how you're doing, although I do not know you I do genuinely care. Jess x

[Guest_223]

I know a lot about BPD and I feel that the depression will lift without any medication. I can't afford a psychologist, I have two psychiatrists that are on different pages, mental health worker and a doctor. I feel like I'm forced into talking with the mental health case worker that I really do not want to be even seeing. I feel like they are of no help to me, that I cannot connect with them but yet there's something big riding on it that I have never mentioned on here if I don't keep seeing this professional I will lose everything, Where there's such a lack of trust I don't know what I'm mean to do about it because the trust can never be regained after a certain thing that happened. At one stage I asked to be discharged from their service but they continued to ring me all the time. So I felt like I had to go back. Appointment after appointment and I feel like it's never going to go anywhere. I feel like I have no choice in any of my care. I just want to bottle everything up and never tell anyone about the negative dangerous thoughts going through my head all the time.

[Kazzl]

Hi missmara, thanks for getting back to us. A few words came to my mind reading your last post - trapped, stuck, forced, afraid, no choice. If this is how you're feeling with such a number of medical and mental health professionals around you then the system truly is failing you.

Choice is the key word I think. Firstly - you do not have to go back or stick with any worker or service that's causing you more harm than good. They cannot force you, and changing that might be your first step in starting to exercise your own control.

You mention 'a certain thing that happened'. If you feel you cannot disclose that then it must be eating away at you. What you disclose here is of course entirely your choice, but the forum is anonymous, non-judgmental and safe if there is something you'd like to get out.

Having two psychiatrists on different pages must be very confusing. Do you mind me asking why you have two? Again, unless there is a CTO or such in place, it is your choice whether to continue with both. Do you find either of them better than the other?

Can you talk openly to your doctor? They are your first point of primary care and should be able to help you get this sorted out. But again, you need to make the move to open the conversation.

No matter how bad we feel hun, we are not helpless and we are not victims. Please don't let yourself think you are - you're so much more than that.

A question - if you had a friend in your situation asking you for advice, what would you tell them?

Keep posting hun.

Kaz