It's over. Feel like giving up.

[Guest_223]

Hi, in the short time I've been on this forum, This is the last time I will be posting on here, I'm at the point where I feel like reaching out does nothing for me. I've done nothing but reach out over the last 18 months which is the most I've ever done in my life. To be honest rather than be helpful to me it has created more traumatising events in my life and I feel I need to avoid society. I'm never contacting a helpline again, not talking to the local mental health team, I'm going to full on avoid society, keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself, no matter what they are or how serious they are, and even when I don't feel safe like at the moment I won't be making the mistake of telling anyone of any plans or terrible thoughts.

[Guest_223]

Thankyou you for all your posts and support. I'm really just too confused about so many things, medication, medical professionals, and tired of making any effort. The hurt is too much which I'm sure everyone can understand. I need to say goodbye and thanks again in that I feel I have to leave this forum, I really feel I'm dwelling too much on my mental health.

[Kazzl]

Very best wishes missmara - you know where we are if you need us.

Kaz

[blondguy]

Hey Missmara

You first >>>>>>not the forums

Paul

[Doolhof]

Hi Missmara,

Just in case you are having a look here, I want to let you know people on this forum care for you.

Trying to work out the best treatment can be very confusing.

Hopefully you are able to take some time out and to find a way to rest your mind and soul.

Thinking of you, from Mrs. D.

[Guest_223]

I just stopped telling everyone how I feel including all the bad negative thoughts so then everyone thinks I'm going okay but I'm not. I'm bottling all of that negative stuff and keeping it to myself. With that it means for me that I am able to avoid the public mental health system at all costs because it really has been of no benefit to me. It's only traumatised me in the past 18 months. I'm terrified of the public system. I think I'm so exhausted from everything that's happened. I'm going all private where possible no medication, no longer confused about whether i am going public or private anymore the decision has been made.

[Zeal]

Hey Miss Mara,

I wish I could do something to help you. Words are unfortunately all I can offer. Keeping everything to yourself must be tough, and I hope your symptoms aren't worsening. I'm sorry to hear that you've had such negative experiences with the public health system. If you can, please don't completely stop talking about your reality. Just being open with one person in your life is crucial. Would you like to share who you are closest to?

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Doolhof]

Hi Missmara,

I know that feeling where you feel like it is best to keep all your hurt and suffering to your self. For me that works for a while, then like a volcano, I erupt! Not a pretty sight at all sometimes, especially for those in the firing line of all that stuff blowing out of my mouth on really bad days!

One day I abused a total stranger in a petrol station because she just happened to be there and my volcano was erupting big time. I ended up in hospital soon after that!

Wishing you well with the private health journey, most importantly I hope you will open to the assistance offered. It may be tough before it starts to get better.

We are willing to listen or just to read what you have to write if it helps you.

Cheers for now from Mrs. D.

[Guest_223]

Things are getting worse again, it's because of the huge amount of stress that is in life at the moment. I cannot cope with it. This makes everything feel out of control. It makes me feel like what's the point to keep on going. So I end up hurting myself just to cope with it all. At the same time I don't want anything to do wiht the public system but a recent phone call this afternoon made me realise I actually feel like I have to because there's some court issues going on at the moment, it would make my case worse if I was to stop seeing the community case manager because I have been seeing them for 6 months. And not to mention the times I'm in crisis I can't ever escape the public system because I'm placed in hospital all over again involuntarily. The nasty cycle continues.... I'm closest to my husband but feel like I can't tell him all the time.

[Guest_223]

I went through this point where I exploded because I kept everything to myself like I am now. It was not good. But at least for that little while it worked.

[Croix]

Dear MissMara~

OK, you are in the pressure cooker again, and as you said keeping things to yourself only works for so long. I'm like you, and I agree, I can say that from my own life. First before my PTSD and so on got to the crisis point I kept quiet- grudgingly giving out only what I had too. Did not end well

Again later, and into hospital as a result. So I see what you mean. I ended up telling a couple of people, a psychiatrist and my wife. Not so much pressure from me, not so much from my wife as she understood, had realistic expectations of me and tried to help -successfully. The psych - well dunno. I'm here to tell the tale.

So where is this leading? Hard choices I guess. You can keep bottling it up. Take your chances. You can talk a bit, which means choosing someone to talk to. From my experience a real person is best.

I don't think you've mentioned how supportive your husband is, just that you are closest to him but feel you can't tell him all the time. I thought that - exact same thing - about my wife. Not fair on her, she'd not understand properly, she'd get compassion fatigue, not strong enough, and so on and so on. Of course I was wrong. Had 25 years with her before she died. She supported me for years during that time.

Funny thing was I shouldered her burden for the last 9 months of her life. It was a privilege. What goes around comes around I guess.

So maybe you can talk to him, maybe you can't. I don't know your reasoning. I'm just saying my reasoning was wrong - but that's just me.

Anybody else?

If you can't talk you can't. Have you considered right here? Anonymous, non judgmental, quite experienced.

I know, it is just about impossible either way. I'd like you to stay out of that nasty cycle.

If you have any ideas that might help please sing out

Croix