Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty

I've been trying to send this for a day or more, but it has never got though

Maybe this time - C

Dear LRK~

You have had bad time and I'm sorry it happened to you. Needing so much that is comms based it is a huge thing to be cut off and those threatening dreams are in all probability a result and also the cause of further distress.

I hope you can find something to sooth you today.

Yes the news is full of all the horrible things man - and nature - can do, and yes in that larger sphere there is not much any one person can do - which it is why it is only sensible to turn away. For an empathetic person to see all the ills of the world and be powerless - and reminded of that again and again each day in each fresh bulletin - is destructive to the soul.

You may feel guilt at turning away, but that is undeserved and I'm sure in part comes from thoughts that you ought to see these things - which is untrue. News is designed to play on your emotions and press the buttons that make you return for more. It should be resisted for the sake of one's own welfare.

I don't think what happens locally is minor at all. Every human has the ability to affect a small sphere around them for good or ill, and it is the combination of all of these taken together that produces the horrifying events one sees in the world. The only avenue one has is to make one's own share as good as possible - and you do that already. You do do enough!

"You can only do what you can" may seem a trite and superficial phrase, however in fact it is most important. One needs a realistic view of one's own situation and abilities, otherwise one can expect too much of oneself and when one finds one has overreached feel failure. It is better to work within one's limits and feel success.

Be comforted - lack of memory or cognition does not appear in your posts in the slightest irrespective of what any test score may imply.

Have a hug

Croix

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

I'm wondering if the optus outage affected bb today, my post to you & my other posts aren't here yet my support of your post went through. All very mysterious. 

Lass I am going to paraphrase something said on Dr Who, (yes I know not usually the source of wisdom)but I think applicable... every life is made up of a pile of good things & a pile of bad things & though you can't always take away from everyone's bad pile you can always add something to someone's good pile. I liked that as I believe that we can't help everyone, but we can help someone... even if it's just a kind smile or kind word in passing... sometimes even just a little thing like that can brighten a person's day.

Gentlest of hugs

Paws

[Croix]

Dear Paws

Have another quote from the Doctor

"Oh dear - Daleks!"

-C

[mmMekitty]

Hello Paws & Croix

Hehehe.

I'm not sure how that's relevant to anything, Croix, except if you intended for me to

smile & have a chuckle.

I think how memory feels like today or that it is so vague & fuzzy around all the details must be a sort of "timey-wimey thing". (From Dr Who, but as I apply it to me. & maybe you, too?)

Hugzies

mmMekitty 

[Croix]

Dear MMK and Paws~

Good heavens, it is a long time since we had this conversation. Paw's quote is indeed inspirational, while mine was only to raise a grin

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Thanks Croix, for visiting.

I have been informed my memory & general cognition is actually good for someone my age - I still find hard to believe, given what I'm experiencing daily. It seems to me the person administrating the test assumes, as if naturally, it's my psychological state, my mental health conditions which are the cause of any perceived difficulties I've been having. So go do some more therapy with a clinical, psychologist, particularly in relation to PTSD, (as well as continuing to see my PDr).

It's not as if I have constant intrusive thoughts, memories, feelings, or even bad dream, which would surely be a source of distraction... I am not sure what would be achieved by delving into those memories of experiences from up to 50 - 55 (maybe)  years ago.

Specifically, she suggested EMDR or Cognitive Processing Therapy (a lot like CBT but directed towards PTSD.). 

Why stir everything up?

I've been more concerned about the future these last few years, anyway. My possible future bothers me more than the actual past botheres me now. Yes, in the past, my past bothered me, & I gave little attention to the future. Now I'm 64 & have some health concerns, more sensory loss, have pain, experiencing memory loss & concentration problems,, I think, of-course the future is of concern to me now. Apparently, I think too much about it.

Am I not supposed to be planning ahead, trying to figure out a better, safer place for me to live?

*

& now I have these computer problems.... Coming to BB is so difficult now. Problems with remembering , relocating threads, re-reading so much, difficulties trying to reply, whether it's because I can't keep track of where the conversation is up to, or because I don't feel able to give any empathetic support or reasonable advice... it's just getting so damned difficult. 

This is where things are at - I don't feel I bennifit by coming here. Except for a little fun & games, I find myself feeling frustrated. 

I'm still going to be around, just not as much , not in depth, either.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear LRC~

First off I'd not be overly concerned about memory issues. I to have times whne I forget something or a word or name simply cannot be retrieved. I've been tested and found normal for my age (unlike you the time when the Beatles could have been writing about me was a decade or more ago)

I find my memory lapse are very much induced by stress and anxiety, the worse they are, the worse my memory. It's not a new thing, I was tested a long time ago for exactly these problems and passed ok then too.

Trying to remember the conversations on the Forum is another matter, it is simply difficult and obscure, that's not you. I do find the daily midnight email digest is of help there as it lists the threads I've been following every time a new post goes into them.

Apart from that don't take it so hard, having fun is good for all of us, and you still manage to find the odd poster to assist - that is more than most do.

Have a 🐧 to keep you going until your screen is fixed - which will make things a tad easier

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK (and wave to Croix),

I have seen many replies you have given others across the forum that are kind, thoughtful and empathetic, so please don't be hard on yourself. But also there is no pressure to try to give responses unless you want to either. It is really fine to just engage with what feels right on any given day, and if that is fun, social engagement that is really fine.

As far as doing further work delving into past experiences, I feel it is important to trust your own instincts and only go down that path if it feels right for you. If you are not experiencing intrusive thoughts, flashbacks etc, then focusing on a more forwards approach may be what is benefiting you most in your life right now.

I do experience ongoing issues with complex trauma on a daily basis, so for me I am seeking to keep actively working through those things. But I'm also cautious about what I do when. For example, my psychologist has suggested EMDR for complicated grief. However, something in me has not felt ok to do it so far, so I haven't. There may be a moment down the track where I feel now is the moment to give that a try, but I'm trusting what my intuition is telling me at present. One thing my psychologist has encouraged me to do is to always listen in to myself. She doesn't make me do anything but gets me to sense and feel what is right for me and I am finding doing that very valuable.

So I would say listen to your inner guide MK because you are a very wise LRC. I find being in the present moment helps to actually hear what is happening inside myself. I can find I am either going over past experiences or I'm trying to figure out handling the future, but it is only when I let go of those things and just sit with myself that things arise and come into awareness about what I need in the present. Sometimes that's when epiphanies/answers present themselves too.

Having just used the word epiphany, I have remembered seeing the actor Robin Williams doing a word association test where he had to immediately say what a word made him think of. He was given the word "epiphany" and he said, "A very tiny elephant". I thought that was a lovely answer and I just thought you might like it as I know you like Robin Williams.

I hope the computer issue can be resolved soon, but I am glad that in the meantime Croix has given you a penguin to cuddle.

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear ER and MK~

If you have just cuddled a penguin you will be all greasy and smell of penguin and fish -um.

I think you are both wise ot listen to your instincts, this is something I do now and makes life easier and less troubled. I did not start that way and thought doctors etc were always right, as time went on I found that was not the case and basically had to steer my own course.

Croix

P.S. If you want another penguin just sing out

[mmMekitty]

Hello Croix & ER.

Thank you both very much. Me, LRC, was enjoying squeazing that penguin...just making sure it hadn't had too many fish to eat,...you know, teaching it to share... 

LOL about 'epiphany - very good.

I'm trying to think about the idea of having therapy as suggested, trying to look deep & decide what I actually want to do. it feels like a barrier to me thinking of opening up those areas of memory which seem so quiescent in there. I know I will always have those memories; I experienced what I did, how I felt & the thoughts I've had about it all, & I don't see how to reframe any of it, so it rests any easier than it does now.

I simply can't see how getting into a specifically PTSD focused therapy can help me mor than how much my PDr has helped already.

Anyhow, getting late & I need some sleep.

Thank you again, for your caring & thoughtful words.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

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