Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK (and wave to Croix),

One thing that has helped me get a sense of what therapy approaches feel right for me has been doing my own research prior to trying anything. I like to know about something before I’m going to do it.

Quite a lot of what you’ve described sounds like Complex PTSD which is usually linked to ongoing experiences in childhood and is often also called developmental trauma. I’ve been looking at Pete Walker’s work in this area. He has complex trauma himself from childhood and has managed to heal a lot of it. He talks about emotional flashbacks which I experience daily and on his website he has 13 steps for how to manage them which I used only yesterday when I was in a flashback. I’m just wondering if his book on Complex PTSD would be helpful in trying to make an assessment of whether you would want to pursue further therapy in this area or not, and if so, what kind of therapy?

What I have very much realised with complex trauma is that those who have been through it need to feel like they are in control in therapy situations, because as children life was out of our control and we were subject to things we didn’t want or ask for. So I feel it’s important we decide based on how we feel internally about what therapies we do when.

Perhaps the most important thing with complex trauma is the formation of trusting relationships. You have that with your current PDr MK which is wonderful. The actual trust developed in itself has a curative effect. From what I’ve learned co-regulating with another actually changes the nervous system. Our body actually changes in response to meaningful human relationships and communication.

So you may be right in observing that working with your PDr is what is most helpful for you. You could of course discuss your feelings around these issues with him. I think considering any other approaches tried is also important. Complex PTSD is a bit of a different beast to PTSD. I’ve done a somatic trauma approach to adult trauma experiences that has cleared them very successfully. But the chronic trauma of childhood has not been as amenable to change this way and I’m still working on how to heal it.

 I think it comes down to your inner sense of what you need and taking the time to feel into that. I think something in you will tell you if and when there is benefit to going into past experiences. For me being stuck in chronic fear is something I want to change, but it’s also a very sensitive issue and I’m only prepared to go into it with people I trust who can genuinely hold space for me around those issues.

Not sure if that helps, but I guess I’m saying you are in control which is important for you to know and feel. It may be helpful to explore options, research etc, then use that info plus talking with your PDr to sense what’s best for you.

Big Hugzies,

ER

[Croix]

Dear MK, with a wave to ER~

Apart from snacks based on penguin regurgitated lunch I"m only going to try to offer you one idea.

You wondered about re-framing' memories that you had experienced, with very pronounced feelings if they came back to the fore. Why go there?

This is not about your experiences, just about grief and loss, but memories feature nevertheless

I had a very good friend who passed away. Before that time they had made me a specially requested needlework picture. After their death I could not look at it without all the loss flooding back so I put it away. That helped, the bouts of greif were not as often becuse that reminder was not  visible on the  wall.

I'm not sure your own memories will ever reach the stage mine have, becuse htey are about things so horrible there is no real other interpretation however for me lately I've been able to put back that needlework, and now instead of just having the grief I also remember the fun we had when they  groused I'd chosen a picture that was just about impossible to do -to which I agreed that I certainly had, but saying at least they had the satisfaction of being right.

That's my idea of re-framing, maybe yours is to be able to see a memory within the the context of your whole life, giving it less power.

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK and Croix,

MK, I just thought I’d add that sometimes it’s the lighthearted things that help us, such as cuddling a penguin or revisiting a happy memory (such as Croix has provided with his great thread on remembering happy memories). So I just thought I’d put that thought across, that it is not always delving into the worst things that helps us but sharing and connecting in a lighthearted way that lifts us.

Sometimes it helps to go into the dark things, especially if we a chronically stuck and we also have a trusted person to support us in the process. But sometimes the heart heals through the lighthearted things. I don’t think there is a singular universal answer about what is best, only what each of us can intuit about ourselves.

Processes like EMDR are very literal processes working directly with memories not yet fully integrated from our past that are still having an impact on us now. These processes can potentially help by integrating memories but they can also open us up in vulnerable ways too and be a bit destabilising at least for a time. While I haven’t tried EMDR yet I’ve researched a lot about it. It’s considered to have a good evidence base. But I’m basically hesitant until I feel, and only if I feel, ready to give it a go. Otherwise, I’m working on other healing things in the meantime and it may be that those things actually do the same healing work, perhaps very incrementally compared with EMDR, but going gently may be the best thing for me.

 I think with early life complex trauma going gently is very important. Sometimes micro healings are occurring on an ongoing basis through choosing to only be around kind people and doing things we enjoy that bring us peace. So I think we as individuals can decide which path to follow according to where our heart and spirit take us.

I’m basically trying to say don’t feel pressure to do particular therapies. They are there to explore if you want to, and learning about them may help guide you, but you can be free to follow whatever speaks to you as helpful.

 I’ve just found a non-inebriated kiwi to give you who is more alert than the other kiwis and would like to give you a kiwi cuddle. Now you will smell of both penguin and kiwi!

Hugs,

ER

[Croix]

Dear MK, ER and Moon~

I did not think there was any such thing as an even half-sober kiwi - amazing

I beleive you to be quire right about a light hearted approach as being necessary at times. While I guess there is importance in approaching old memories I have found that my therapy, which is called take therapy' only goes there sometimes and just about always at my own instigation.

Other forms I've tried in the distant past have had a negative effect, so for me at least I have to want to go there.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello Croix & ER, & everyone,

Thank you again. 

Reading what you've written, & still thinking.... & yes, I have done some research. I've also talked to my PDr about the idea of doing other therapies, such  as those suggested by the psychologist I'd seen to assess my memory & cognition. 

Since this has been on my mind I've noticed some 'triggers' moments, really, when I find I need to concentrate very hard to not panic, not lash out in anger or fear. It's like the seabed is being disturbed just by the ideas & thoughts of possibility of doing any more targeted therapy.

I feel I've been working on the effects of my past experiences using indirect methods, for most of the time, I guess. When I've done anything more directed such as when writing or when I painted pictures, about the past memories & feelings, it's become intense & overwhelming. & then I want to escape in some way or other.

I think that's what scares me now - imagining it could become too intense & overwhelming & I'd be looking for escape again, with really desperate feelings that come with that.

Thanks again for your thoughts & kiwis & penguins .... I once bought a chubby fuzzy stuffed penguin from an op shop, & it slipped from under my arm as I walked up towards the bus stop, & when I noticed I turned around & it was already gone... it was really very, very cute!

Buying it was a happy memory, until I realised I'd lost it not more than 5 minutes after. 

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MK~

First off have a virtual fuzzy penguin- guaranteed not to get lost.

I can understand exactly what you mean about stirring things up to the extent you want ot escape, my method has been not to do that, or if so in moderation. I've no idea if this is an approved type of therapy but it has allowed me to keep on going over umpteen years.

As I mentioned before I do get to the stage I start to remember, or wish to explore, however I always try to limit it so I do not get too overwhelmed. A bit like going for a car journey and talking. There is the safty net you know one will arrive and the journey stops.

Is there any middle way for you?

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK (and wave to Croix),

What a lovely sounding stuffed penguin! I hope maybe you find another one day. I bought a large teddy bear at an op shop once, aged 35. This was for myself. I had just been through something traumatic and I actually felt myself resort to being a small child. I thought "I need a teddy bear". I bought a yellow teddy in a pink dress and called her Nalani which is a Hawaiian name I'd just read about. I don't have her anymore. But you have just reminded me, I have a small stuffed kiwi! I had forgotten about my kiwi who I think is packed away somewhere.

I understand very much your feelings about possible therapies. In case it's of interest, the other day I was looking at Dr Arielle Schwartz's website. She is a clinical psychologist and she has an article online called EMDR for Complex PTSD. In it she mentions important considerations regarding adapting EMDR for Complex PTSD, as EMDR for straight PTSD may not be suitable for individuals with Complex PTSD without some tweaking in the approach. It is the sensitivity to activation in complex trauma that has me cautious in trying this therapy in particular. She discusses the steps involved and ways of containing emotional activation and grounding. I just thought it may be of interest.

While I trust my psychologist to hold the space well in session with her, what worries me is leftover activation afterwards. I know you live alone like me, and I think what can be challenging is we don't have the holding environment of living with others such as loved ones who can be there to support us. I did once get overly activated after a session with my psychologist and found it hard to contain. I ended up chatting to a lovely fellow on Lifeline who was like a kindly grandfather and it really settled me, and of course Blue Knot Foundation are excellent for that. So at least there are those supports for those of us who live alone.

I guess one advantage for you MK is it might give you the opportunity to work with an additional therapist. Sometimes that can feel supportive, having more than one person on your psych team, so to speak. So providing it is someone you really like and connect with, it could actually work out therapeutically. I think the important thing is you feeling in control whatever you do. Like you I have triggers still. From reading Pete Walker's work on Complex PTSD I've also realised I have daily emotional flashbacks and always have. It is my normal. It's a bit like the way I've been dissociated a lot for so long but took years to even learn what that was.

Anyway, I hope a path starts to become clearer for you MK. I will now send you a virtual, very cute and fuzzy stuffed penguin and a cute little kiwi.

Hugzies,

ER

[Croix]

Dear ER and MK~

One of the things I do is to try to ensure after a potentially upsetting session wiht my psych I have something I must do, preferably enjoyable, but necessary. Like putting off going out the the shop or chemist until after the session (I use telehealth) or if Mrs C is around go to the riverbank. This means my mind does not have the chance to react and mull over what  happened straight away.

These actions act as a sort of buffer, and when I do think about the session distance has already started.

I'm afraid you fuzzy kiwi is learning bad habits, true it has "dolly sized" hot water bottles tied to its feet to keep them warm, however it has started to accept friendly offers of unsuitable beverages!

Croix

While the examples I use are mine, and not necessarily suitable for you, at least you can get some idea of the strategy.

[mmMekitty]

Thank you both, ER & Croix.

Since I am still so very hesitant & fearful about trying any intense therapy such as EMDR, I am thinking it's not for me, or at least, at this time. I'm not sure I will ever feel ready for that.

I'm not sure of the difference between 'containing' feelings & how I could block them, not allowing them to persist as I leave my PDr's room, (when I saw him in person & had then, to pay him & get myself home.), or now, when we end the telehealth session & I have to go online to pay him via funds transfer, immediately as I like to do (thinking I may forget if I don't). If my feelings have been intense, how do I manage without blocking?

It's been what I've done since I was a teenager. My way of coping, & yeah, covering up everything. It was how I thought (fooling myself) I was safe.

I don't suppose it was the healthiest thing for me to do .. it' was just what I could do. 

Think of it as 'self-protection', & I think, Croix, what you do to limit how much & how deeply you think about your own memories is quite similar. Exposing myself to the deepest, most intense emotions does seem to be potentially harmful, therefore, I have felt it would be a frightful thing to do, a potentially damaging thing to do.

While I've spoken to my PDr about it, he has neither said yay or nay,about it, leaving the decision completely in my hands.

*

Still awaiting another meeting with someone from Vision Australia re comparing Microsoft & Apple. For now, my PC seems to be looking like I'd prefer, again, but the internet connection has become sluggish...

That doesn't address my difficulties with feeling I get 'too involved' with other people's problems, & thinking that hasn't been healthy for me.

But I don't want to abandon anyone I've been getting to know here, either.

This has become quite a dilema for me.

Hugzies to Sumo, first, so I can collect heaps of cat hair, to transfer to you, ER & Croix afterwards.. 

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK and Croix,

MK, that makes a great deal of sense not to pursue the EMDR if feeling hesitant and fearful. I still haven’t done it either and I’m not convinced at this point it’s the right modality for my healing, so until and unless it feels right I’ll probably not do it either. I think the self-protection measures you’ve put in place are what help you to feel safe and it is for you to decide if and when you allow those protections to come down somewhat. I also think there can be an incremental healing which is more subtle over time that doesn’t involve any special techniques but is just the progressive healing that happens as we live life, meet some nice people, have some nice experiences etc. Little by little, bits of us heal in a way and at a rate we can handle. It’s very important to be attuned to your own system, what it feels it can cope with and may not cope with.

Hopefully you’ll have a new computer set up soon. I would say with regard to other people’s difficulties, perhaps stick to threads on lighter topics. I’ve found when I’m at my worst that’s weirdly when I feel most able to respond to other people’s troubles, because I’m extra empathetic in that moment. But it can also become exhausting and emotionally taxing at times. It’s important to step back if that’s the case. I’m needing to step back a little I think and focus on my own well being. It can be rewarding assisting others but it takes energy and so finding a healthy balance is necessary. It is certainly important not to take on other’s difficulties or feel obligated to provide a response.

Croix recently gave me a pair of breeding penguins who have quickly produced chicks. So I thought I would offer some penguin chicks to you as my home is starting to become overrun with them and I thought you may like the cute little fluff balls. I’m finding them under my kitchen sink, in the pantry cupboard, even building a sort of nest under my bed. I think they’ll like some of Sumo’s hair you are collecting for their nest building. I thought you may enjoy their antics so here are a couple for you 🐧🐧

Hugs,

ER