Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

* TW * past suicide attempt & abuse.

I woke early, maybe because the audiobook stopped playing. I hadn't been enjoying that book, just left it on because I thought it would not bother me to fall asleep & miss hearing the story.

Waking to hearing only the quiet of early morning, before the birds chirp, so it's just my tinnitus & maybe other slight sounds (hopefully nothing louder) from outside,

I didn't go back to sleep, so I got up to find the web browser had closed itself up again. I found the book & others I actually want to hear when awake. Went back to bed but I couldn't focus & listen to the book again, so my mind wandered.

I began thinking of the past, about when I attempted to take my own life & the circumstances around that.

14yrs old. I was at school. I was angry that day & I deliberately told a student (not quite a friend, but I liked her), what I was going to do, knowling she would tell my step-sis K.

In the mix of 'why' K rejection & resentment towards me was one reason. I was angry at her & her friends, my parents for not helping to stop the bullying.

I was also angry about the abuse from her mother. 

& the abuse at the hands of my brother. & a beighbour.

Maybe the flood earlier that year had something to do with it, too, but I don't really think so. that was the 'safe' reason my parents reached for.

Depressed, feeling hopeless & awful about myself & life.

... K came to my rescue. She was angry too, when she did. She even yelled at another kid, saying "to shut up" when she called me names. K had to climb over the stall door & drag me out, had to get other kids to help, despite her feelings towards me - she did the right thing.

Forbidden to talk about it, I never told her 'thank you' or that I am sorry for putting her in that position, making her choose & act as she usually would not have done in front of her friends.

She was a troubled person, & I only had added to her problems that day, not apologised or thanking her for her quick thinking & help. Although I was in no great danger, she didn't know that, so I can only guess at how afraid she must have been.

Then I was remembering other days, the timeline I can't seem to straighten out...then I get up & distract myself here answering a thread.

Hugzies to me.

Breakfast time.

Oh, please, I hope this isn't edited by moderators.

[Croix]

Dear MK~

Sorry for the delay, been away for a day or so.

I'm very glad you were able to write this post and really feel for that younger person with such a terrible history, depressed, feeling hopeless & awful about yourself & life.   A life where all those you expect to care for you and protect you do the opposite. Anger and your actions are totally understandable, and I'm very glad that K took the actions she did - even if seemingly out of character- and you are here in this world. It would be a poorer place without you, you are a friend.

The fact your 'parents' did not look to their own actions but chose something outside their control as the reason for your actions is both typical and heart-breaking.

I'm not sure if you would agree but I suspect that being able to look back on this things now - even if some are blurred or confusing - is a mark of your insight, maybe partly though passage of time and partly due to the strength embedded inside you.

Having the knowledge you needed to distract yourself and went to answer a thread is too a mark of that strength - or wisdom if you prefer. It may seem an obvious act to you, but sadly not all can see that.

Please do not be concerned if some events are out of order, forgotten or blurred. I have the same thing and came to the conclusion it did not really matter. I came to remember the main things and that was enough.

It might have been nice to thank K, but understandable why you did not, one act of care does not balance the past. Plus there are always things we regret not doing. The thing is however, K will have known how she acted, and attempting to save you would have altered her knowledge of the person she was - a positive thing.

Take care of yourself

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Thank you, Croix. I understand how people aren't here every hour of every day. 

I only hope K & others who have done their best, even though they may have strong feelings such as resentment, anger, or even in denial of what is happening, still have the presence of mind to put that aside & do what is needed to help.

Getting me out of the toilet stall was a brave thing to do. I didn't always appreciate it, but somehow along the way, I know now, she was my hero that day.

If she recognises herself in what I have written & is reading this: thank you & I am sorry for putting you through all that.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Doolhof]

Hi mmMekitty,

Thank you for sharing your heart wrenching story. I hear some  people talking extremely negatively of those  tortured souls who have taken their lives or tried. I spoke to one person mouthing off and asked if they had ever found themselves in such a dark place that their mind could only provide one option for them that seemed convincingly real and also obligatory. 

We don't choose to have mental health issues and I don't know anyone who would purposely choose to feel like their life was so horrifically messed up that death was the only answer.

My thoughts are with you and also with those who do care enough to make a difference in other people's lives.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Dools

I'm sorry I hadn't dropped by my own thread for a couple weeks, & missed your response to my recent posts.

thank you. 

I'm not sure how much attitudes have really changed. Except there is more awareness of mental health & not a day goes by when I don't see or hear a message advising people who may be feeling affected by a news item, or a programme's contents, that they can call Lifeline or BB, or (a new one for me) 13YARN, or other numbers.

But here on BB, there are many people living in situations where it is apparent that those around them are at the very least, insensitive to the notion that someone close to them may be struggling with their thoughts &/or feelings. Quite often I read that people are having their needs neglected, or their needs rejected, or denied, or disparaged.

I would like to think that when a young person today acts on feelings & thoughts they have, they will be cared for much better than I was by their family, the hospital staff, the school staff & students, too - it seems to me, that only a few people behaved well that day: the girl I told, K & the maybe the principle, who I guess did what was at least, required. Even at the hospital I felt no compassion, nor understanding & their treatment was what I deserved, given like a punishment.

Now, I notice, when something happens, teams are sent in to help those who may feel affected by whatever it is that has happened, as if this can prevent effects later on.  There is some evidence suggesting this immediate response isn't necessarily such a great idea, although it looks good on paper.

Anyway, that's another issue, the question of who gets what support, & when & in what form etcetera ... complicated.

Thanks again, Dools,

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Thank you

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear mmMeKitty,

I am so sorry that you went though all that at such a young age….at any age is sad and heartbreaking…gentle hugs precious lady 🤗🤗..

Thinking of you and hoping you’re doing better than okay…

Grandy 

[mmMekitty]

Thank you, Grandy. I hope you are feeling better than okay, too.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hello me.

*

Without going into detail, some political decisions, actions ... things going on here & now, again, overseas have had me feeling very sad, upset, despairing & disappointed about societies, as I said, here & overseas. It gets to be too much, so that I feel overwhelmed, but ashamed & guilty about turning away from the news, all the fear, pain, desperation, violence & destruction going on - whether I look or not, it goes on. Nothing I can do would stop it. Nothing I can do will get the necessary aid to the people who need it.

I don't think talking here does anything useful either. Just to vent my feelings, which will not ease as a result of venting either.

*

Makes what happens locally feel pretty minor. 

*

So, from 3am, (Qld time) I had no internet, so the audiobook I was listening to stopped playing. I tried to restart the modem, but, of-course that didn'thelp. Eventually I went to sleep again.

I had dreamed of waking to realise there had been a fire in a neighbouring flat, then awaking again, to another fire in another flat, & this time there are sirens,& then footsteps outside, then someone says it's alright now. Then again, I wake & there is a third fire, & I say, "not another one", & think this time, I've got to phone emergency services myself. It turns out to be in the flat next to mine, all ablaze, bright orange flames, but yet, I realise, I don't smell smoke or hear anything, not even sirens approaching, (but I haven't phoned, not having found my phone), & then I really wake up, startled, realising ;the orange was the same colour I saw a few weeks ago when someone had really lit a fire within this property's fence.

I don't usually dream like this, nothing so obviously related to an actual rrecent event. I can only imagine it was because the audiobook was not playing while I slept.

*

& I was becoming anxious about whether Optus would sort out the problems before tomorrow afternoon. Fortunately, my PDr had rescheduled our session for tomorrow, but today, I would have been fortunate to be able to have phoned him as usual, by a few minutes.

*

I sorted out a lengthy questionaire all weekend, too, which was confronting. I'm going ahead with getting an assessment of my memory & cognition. 

*

Thought: Whatever I can do, I think it's not enough.

Feeling: I'm sorry.

*

Hugzies to me, 

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Sending you the gentlest of hugs

Paws

[Croix]

Dear LRK~

You have had  bad time and I'm sorry it happened to you. Needing so much that is comms based it is a huge thing to be cut off and those threatening dreams are in all probability a result and also the  cause of further distress.

I hope you can find something to sooth you today.

Yes the news is full of all the horrible things man - and nature - can do, and yes in that larger sphere there is not much any one person can do - which it is why it is only sensible to turn away. For an empathetic person to see all the ills of the world and be powerless - and reminded of that again and again each day in each fresh bulletin - is destructive to the soul.

You may feel guilt at turning away, but that is undeserved and I'm sure in part comes from thoughts that you ought to see these things - which is untrue. News is designed to play on your emotions and press the buttons that make you return for more. It should be resisted  for the sake of one's own welfare.

I don't think what happens locally is minor at all. Every human has the ability to affect a small sphere around them for good or ill, and it is the combination of all of these taken together that produces the horrifying events one sees in the world. The only avenue one has is to make one's own share as good as possible - and you do that already. You do do enough!

"You can only do what you can" may seem a trite and superficial phrase, however in fact it is most important. One needs a realistic view of one's own situation and abilities, otherwise one can expect too much of oneself and when one finds one has overreached feel failure. It is better to work within one's limits and feel success.

Be comforted - lack of memory or cognition does not appear in your posts in the slightest irrespective of what any test score may imply.

Have a hug

Croix