Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Some thoughts rolling around my head are:

How is it so many people look to others - not only here, but on other social media, or looking to podcasts or things found online from charismatic people who sound like motivational speakers or evangelical preachers, people who claim they have answers for all life's questions, & listening to them & following what they say, will make you happy.

No-one can promise what they do. People are spending a lot of time & money looking to them, when, to my way of thinking lately, the answers I need are inside me & may have been there all along.

I mostly talk to my PDr to air my thoughts & feelings. Talking to him makes me make the attempt to make my thoughts clear & comprehensible to him, & in so doing, I can understand myself & how I think more clearly. I said to him today, that's the value of having someone such as himself to talk to.

Hugzies everyone

mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty,

I don't know why people think that others will have all the answers to life. It is something that has always puzzled me, I've never understood why people follow religions or guru's of any type. Yes having people around us who can offer advice as to what worked for them or simply supporting us is helpful up to a point, but I would never make a choice because someone else said it was how to be. Life is as you say something we need to work out for ourselves. No one else can do that for us. 

Hugs 

Paws

[Paw Prints]

Hello mmMekitty, wave to everyone,

Woofa has been following your antics & wants me to offer his services for moving anything that might be a bit tricky for a LRC or a handless stingray... he thinks he is the man (make that dog) for the job. He has a special waterproof swimming cozzie that makes him look like a seal, which when he last wore it taking special treats to Grandy, enabled him to blend in as he swam up the coast. Additional bonus is that a particular Walrus won't spot him amongst the all the other seals in the area, perfect for slipping any surprises you plan onto the iceberg without being noticed. I know he has visions of being able to snuggle up with a cuddly Walrus as a pillow & he won't listen to anything I say otherwise, so expect him there any day soon.

Hugs

Paws

Woofa will give schnozbops when he gets to you

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Paws, MK and All,

 I hope you don’t mind me eavesdropping and saying how excited I am that Woofa is making his way to the iceberg. I’ve always thought that seals and dogs look alike. So a certain walrus should remain none the wiser about the new interloper. Hee hee! I am splashing my tail and my handless flippers/flappers (whatever it is that stingrays have) with excitement!

[mmMekitty]

Hi there, ER & Woofa - fantastic timing!

The other day, while visiting the star with a beach*, I scooped up a few tonnes of clams & am, eventually, going to drop them off on Croix's iceberg, so, it would be grand if you, Woofa, would help me & get some of them earlier than I might, given that I'm travelling by wandering star & therefore, not in control of the route...  I'm sure Croix will appreciate the imported clams, enough for breakfast, lunch & tea.

*Please refer to a recent post from Grandy, on "Surviving, being in a better place" (Demonblaster).

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear mmMeKitty, and your beautiful supporters/friends…..🤗..

I think, that our own happiness is in our own hands….I mean, that listening to podcasts, or listening to what works for others is fine…and we can give it a try….but as I say a lot here…what works for one doesn’t mean it will work for others…We need to find our own happiness/peace/joy in our own lives…….

I sit outside a lot to calm myself down, by watching and listening to nature…I’m sure other people might benefit from it and for other people it will do nothing at all for there mental health…just like me listening to a podcast does nothing for my mental health….It’s all about finding what works for us then implementing it into our daily lives…

No one but our own self knows what brings us happiness, except ourselves…We are all different and we’re all unique people…not 2 people are ever the same in body, mind or spirit…be yourself, do what you know makes you happy , and live each day the way you want to….your such a very caring person Dear mmMeKitty…and you deserve all the happiness that life can bring you…

My kindest thoughts sweetheart, are with you….💕🌈..

Hugs beautiful people…🤗.

Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

Note: I meant to say, Hello to Paws, Woofa & ER, in my last post....

& Hi to Grandy, now, too ...

Of-course, Grandy, people find what works for themselves. I thought that was  what I was saying, as well as saying something about the idea that I've had some of what I need right here inside me all along.

I have a feeling that's true for all of us, if we look, honestly, sometimes painfully, or so it seems, sometimes around corners, around the things we are used to seeing within ourselves, we may be quite surprised to discover what we already know & can do for ourselves.

These are only my thoughts, which I've been hearing lately, quietly, like a whisper, in my head. I think my deepest self is trying to tell me these things.

I'm trying to bring these thoughts out more, to hear them more clearly.

The big question after that is: how much will I listen?

If I imagine how I might paint a representitive painting of my deepest self,  years ago, I" had an idea of a delapadated, unfinished house, on very shaky, waterlogged stilt foundations, no wall, ceiling or anything much at all, in the mud, in dismal weather, too - a place no-one would find useful, nothing useful to use, to borrow or steal.

You couldn't even use the rotted timber to make a path through the mud to get away from the place. ...  but now, I think that image of my inner self is changing. Maybe it wasn't true at all, but I coldn't see myself for who I am, so couldn't see a better image in my mind when asked.

It's like the little puppy image I had of my 'little me' which was so bedraggled , wet & sitting in the middle of the road, too miserable to move, & I coldn't reach out & take the puppy in my arms either.

I had begun to reach out, some time ago, & now I think I can dirty my clothes to pick up, hold & comfort my little me puppy. I feel so much more compassion & care for my little me puppy that I cannot turn away.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

"They tried to bury me. They didn't know I was a seed".      - Sinéad O'Connor

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK,

I love what you say about now being able to pick up and take care of the little you puppy 🐶💗 It is a precious thing to begin to hold and cherish our child self. I love the Sinead O’Connor quote too. She had things very hard in life from the beginning from what I’ve read and was often misunderstood and given a hard time. May she now rest peacefully.

[mmMekitty]

I was rocked by a post I'd read last night, but very much wanted to reply to.

Now I want to get some other thoughts out somewhere, see where they lead....

It's weird, or so it seems to me, how the possibilities of what might have been are so much more frightening than what actually happened to me - family, neighbours. I literally might not have survived, but for the fact that they are not quite barbarians.Wild animals treat others within their familial & herd/tribe groups better than humans are capable of & all too often do treat each other.

I am amazed how wonderfully well some people can behave towards each other, then I despair when I become aware again of the cruelty we are capable of showing. & sometimes it's simply the indifference, too that is stunning.

To cope, I still want to turn off my emotions & take on that old mantal of indifference. 

It took something like 2.5 hours this morning to write, to edit because I wrote too much, & say what I want them to hear from me.

For myself, I wanted to write about how I felt trapped into silence, with the implicit threat that there would indeed be trouble for me if I spoke to anyone about what my brother & later my father had done to me.

Even as a young child, how 'getting in trouble' meant being punished, blamed, shamed, yelled at, hit & such, even for small thing or for knowing what a sibling had done, was enough.

I think I learned I could not trust my parents to treat me with care & consideration - that's what that sort of parenting teaches children.

To me, there is no such thing as a 'good smack'.

Anyway, simply attempting to confide in my father about what my brother was doing meant I would be questioned for what I'd been doing, why I 'let' it happen, & admonished, at the very least, to not let it happen again.

Then when my father coerced me to touch him, only underlined the fact he could not be trusted.

& I was thinking 'what if...s last night. It is really frightening to think where things might have gone if I had found the strength & courage to tell either of the teachers I was close to trusting, if I'd just had more time with them, maybe not going to another school for grade 10 - who knows?

Either way, how does a child 'win'?

...Hugzies to me for now ...

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Oh & there was the arfing neighbour, his family too.

It comes down to a lack of education, too much alcohol, poor circumstances, - I debate about that so much because it doesn't cost anything to be kind, caring, respectful & to love your children in that way, rather than to be cruel, uncaring, insensitive & rejecting of your children's needs.

Maybe they dont undersand the high price of abuse in the long term, but how they don't see or excuse what happens in the moment when is what gets me feeling quite confused.

When you got a child running in fear of you, surely that is a sign something is wrong? when your kids don't want to spend any time, don't want to share anything with you, surely that's a sign something is wrong?

I used to wonder how it was possible I could have been so good at hiding my feelings & thoughts about what was happening in my home, next door & at school, that no-one could see something was wrong?

Then wen they couldn't ignore the fact something was wrong, not to be interested in finding out what the problem/s were?

These questions still need answers.

As things are, I have to write my own answers, because I won't have any from them, & even my PDr couldn't answer for sure.

Hugzies, to me, again,

mmMekitty