Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hello Paws, ER & everyone

Thank for your posts.

The original med I have been using worked well for a while, then the dose had to be increased occasionally, & no-one until the geriatrician advised, the dose I was using was too high. I'd had been happy with it. Now there is a suggestion the feelings I am experiencing may be related, even though they are very different to what I've understood are the symptoms of restless leg syndrome.

Although I've had the jumpy leg symptom for many years, with the med it settled down to feeling the urge to move, inability to lie still & simply relax into sleep.

With the help of listening to an audiobook (which helps with so much), I can manage fairly well to relax my legs, after a while, when the achiness recedes. Until it's a matter of distracting myself.

Sometimes I drifted off into a sort of dream, while awake, & I might be walking somewhere, until I seem to trip, & instantly, with a jerk of legs, I become fully awake again. Those times are quite annoying as I have to begin to go to sleep all over again. I have tried to control these 'dreams', but can only do so a little, & still, somehow, I am startled awake.

Now, listening to audiobooks, I haven't had have these 'dreams'.

I didn't have restless leg syndrome when I was a child. Not sure, but I think it began in my 30's. When I was younger, I think I could sleep like a log, barely disturbing my blankets.

My memory for certain things has not been good. But I had a good day-to-day memory for a very long time, but now I forget when I began thinking how unreliable it had become. It does seem to me, over the last ten years, more & more, I can't trust my memory. I need to write everything down, make a calendar for myself, with notes for all my outings & appointments. & I ask my support worker to make notes too, because I can't be sure I'll remember important things. Losing things, even seconds after I put them down, putting things in odd places sometimes, (not too odd though), forgeting to turn off lights, stove, or to flush toilet, I go through a check list to be sure I'm ready to go out or to talk to my PDr, feeling sure I forgot something. I'm using Webster Packs for my meds. I do sometimes think it's another day of the week, too.

I'm afraid of it getting worse.

Hugzies & schnozbops to everyone!

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK,

Just wanting to send you big Hugzies so you feel less worried about the cognitive things 🤗 I remember you saying something about a referral to a neurologist (I think). I’m hoping that will help rule things out for you and put you more at ease.

 I’m experiencing cognitive symptoms also that are related to my liver condition. I’m finding focussed activities that I love doing seem to help because they focus my brain on something I know and love. That then seems to help my brain somewhat in other spheres.

So I was wondering about your love of singing, if that would help you right now? Just immersing yourself in that world. Maybe singing along to your favourite recordings or making up songs of your own?

Humour I think can help too. It can at least alleviate worry considerably but I’m sure it’s excellent for the brain too. If you want to go and make mischief on Croix’s iceberg I’m happy to plot something with you. It’s been a while since we got up to high jinks.

What you describe with the semi-dream state where you trip and then jerk awake happens to me too. I’ve always had that, not every night but now and then. It happened just a few nights ago. It’s really interesting that the audiobooks help you with it. I wonder if there’s comfort in human voices that calms the nervous system? Last night I was listening to a photography podcast before bed which was just two guys chatting away about various aspects of photography. It was kind of calming and comforting just before I went to bed.

I hope you are having a lovely day. If you want to go and poke the walrus this evening I’m up for an adventure to the iceberg. 

[Croix]

"If you want to go and make mischief on Croix’s iceberg I’m happy to plot something with you"

I heard that!

[mmMekitty]

Croix 'as gotcha - 'bang to rights' (whatever that means), sunny Jim (ER).

Quick, ain't he?

It was an idea to see a Neurologist, but for now, I think, giving the change in meds to make a difference is the way to go.

If the change doesn't help, then we'll see.

Some audiobooks I've found are a good quality, the readers are good too, without going from whispering to shouting in one sentence, or making accents of characters so strong I can't understand them. These are the best to listen to, as well as the book having some interest, but neither too much nor too little. For me, it's understanding & following what is said. I also try to not have the volume up too loud or too soft.

If it was only a gentle sound that I need, I could put on some very gentle music. But my brain seems to over-ride that & chats at me anyway, or present more images, with the possibility of being startling.

I'm trying to distract myself from being too aware of:

* my thoughts & feelings,

* old memories resurfacing,

* my tinnitus,

* the restless legs feeling restless,

* any other bodily discomforts,

* &  any noises from outside my flat.

I used to use music sometimes, just focusing on one instrument amongst many, as in an orchestral piece, but it is just as good to listen to a small ensemble or solo piece. If I want some music to calm me, I like to listen to Shakuhachi. I discovered Riley Lee  many years ago - wonderful Shakuhachi Master.

Seems to me, sounds of the external world feel more intrusive to me, now. Maybe that is why music or recording of nature aren't as effective as they once were. I love the sounds of birds & other whildlife, with some rain, but not much storming, please.

Hmmm, I think I'm gettting an idea for Croix's iceberg .... 

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Eagle Ray]

Croix is onto us! I’m all ears for any ideas you have. We can shift them over to the Croix Parler thread if you prefer. Hopefully he is mostly sleeping and won’t hear of any plans. I had thoughts of a mid winter festival involving crocheting coverings for his tusks to add some colour to winter. But very happy to go along with other plans. Hee hee!

I have a couple of Riley Lee CDs and really like them too. His shakuhachi playing really creates a clear space somehow, like the music is spacious and calming. It kind of clears out worries and thoughts and creates a kind of openness.

It’s great you get benefit from audiobooks. For a long time, since a child, I’ve had difficulties processing verbal speech. But it has gotten better over time. I enjoy listening to podcasts and do it quite regularly. Once I would have barely taken any of it in, but now I can usually get most of it even if I blank out a bit.

Hope you are cosy and warm this evening and have a good sleep 😴 

Warm winter Hugzies 🤗

[mmMekitty]

Yes, I'll be sneaking into Croix's iceberg any day now ...  I'm gathering up a dozen or so pesky penguins for our labour force, you know, the grunt work ...  then I think I need to stop in at a popular home & hardware store for some supplies ... 

If we are not sure we understand what we hear in the audiobook or pod cast, we can always listen again & again. I have listened to books several times, primarily because it doesn't matter if I have heard them before, I forget quite a lot again anyway, & overnight, I tend to sleep through large portions, too.

I'd like listening to more non-fiction, to learn things, but my memory makes learning frustrating. Gone are the days when hearing & remembering were easy for me.

Hoping you had a wonderful day & will have another wonderful day tomorrow.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

Oh, Shakuhachi in the iceberg - to sooth the savage walrus? 

(Note: need more speakers ...)

[Eagle Ray]

Ahh yes, just think how resonant the shakuhachi might be inside the igloo. The sound would really bounce off the walls! We can bathe Croix in resonant frequencies. I wonder if it will hypnotise him?

I could gather together a team of stingrays to perform synchronised swimming around the iceberg to the haunting tones of the shakuhachi. How magical!

I might pay a visit to my local marine supplies store to gather some ideas. Hmmm? Hee hee!

I hope you've had a wonderful day too and tomorrow as well.

Hugzies and bye for now,

ER

[Croix]

You are a pair of mischief makers! I wonder if industrial strenght ear-protectors will do the trick and block out the din? If not I'll have to heap a barrier of sea-sponges around the perimeter of the iceberg to keep you all at sea.

I've no idea what I can do about the haunting - Ghostbusters perhaps?

What on earth gave you the idea for a shakuhachi?

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Croix, the Shakuhachi is so beautiful. These bamboo instruments used for meditation - it's all about the breath, but the sounds are so engaging, I thougt, to calm & sooth the savage Walrus when the real haunting begins .... believe me, you will need calming & soothing! (I don't think ear muffs will do - as for sea-sponges, these toothless, clawless sponges, against my cute pointy teeth & claws? What were you thinking? ... 

Be seeing you soon ...

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

... At your place, (Croix Parler)... very soon....

Yes, ER, sinchronised Stingrays -  I like that. They will be both electrifying & graceful.