Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

& this too,

* Reaching for the Puppy

I still see the pitiful bedraggled sopping wet puppy in my mind, the image that came to mind when asked to see how I see myself, & feeling unable to even think of approaching, let alone picking up that puppy , holding it, warming it, drying it, & loving it.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot reject & abandon my younger self, no matter how disappointed, ashamed & appalled I sometimes still feel about her. I cannot say I love her or have entirely forgiven her. I don't really understand her either, yet, it seems. I want to take her in my arms, like I was holding my helper's puppy, & sooth her & love her, just because she is part of me.

I want to do that, need to, I think, to heal a large part of me, that sad, neglected & abused puppy left out, abandoned to whatever came along. I need to care.

Looking into the image, I see the feint addition of my arms reaching out towards the puppy. I am so glad to see that I am making a move towards caring & loving this part of myself.

*

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

You may find as you get closer that the things you have been so disappointed, ashamed & appalled about change character and may not be as deserving of disdain as you now think.

I'm a lot closer to accepting how I was now that I was years ago. A growing sense of proportion and understanding of the circumstances have helped.

You have a kind nature for others, and that can tend ot spill over into how one regards oneself.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Thanks Croix,

Slowly, over time, so subtly I don't really notice how my thinking & feeling about those earlier years has shifted, until I take a close look & see the differences. I feel better about myself now, than I did then. & then I barely gave it a thought. I didn't give myself a thought until whatever situation I was in was really bad.

Now I think (maybe) I will be more careful of myself, & not permit myself to treated so badly, & remove myself much earlier. I hope that's what I can do now. - except I am so much in doubt about it I won't even consider intimate relationships, where I might find out if what I think is true or not. I still feel much safer being alone.

mmMekitty.

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

Please give it time and a sprinkling of hope. You are (as seen by us looking in) more than you realise - fears and doubts or not.

I've always thought you courageous and have never had reason to think otherwise

🦉 (one of your owls must have strayed)

Croix

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I am not fully recovered from Covid yes it was mild and I’m vaxed and I’m glad I was because the illness was very similar to dengue fever I had as a child. My immune issues are giving me problems with hives and fatigue and I’m on steroids for a little while to help kick start my body back to running properly. Steroids will help my foot heal too. All in all I’m ok and the common cold can put me in hospital so I’m great really.

Your caring nature and childhood experiences and self reflection combination seem to me have been channeled into a creative mind capable of kindness and creative pursuits. Doesn’t always work out this way some go the way of reflecting and hardness.
I found it interesting you see young you as a wet puppy but it fits what I see here of your nature. Sweet and defenceless and needing love and caring emotionally and physically. Kittens have claws and teeth and will use them.
It find it hard to see the illness and manipulation of others. I feel it and I suffer from it but don’t understand it till I’m out from under what ever. I’m trapped in trying to control my space to make it a safe space I’m trapped in a cycle of behaviour that makes me feel safe. I need to know everything and see everything no secrets no lies as the song goes. I’m seeing OCD like behaviour without the rituals in me.
Trying to be as nice to yourself as you are to others does not come naturally and guilt and bad memories creep in to stop you loving yourself as you should. When I say you then it should be the taken as US that have suffered at the hands of those that were supposed to love us and protect us. You/us would say to someone hurting very nice things to lift them up and improve their life.

For you some of the care you have shown me back at ya 🙂❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
MC

[mmMekitty]

Do a good job of caring for yourself, MC. Got soup? When I had the flu, I also had lemon & honey drink. Do you think you'd like to have some of that? Dengue Fever, eh? That must have been awful. I don't think I'd want to be reminded of that. Now is now, though, & you won't be having all those symptoms.

I do like the tiny claws & teeth of kittens, I find them adorable, & that they can use them when in need is ab attractive idea. There was the one occasion, when I tried to bathe Mekitty, & she showed me how effective her claws could be. I forgave her, absolutely. 😺

Significantly, the puppy in my spontaneous image was not of a typically cute & adorable appearance, a little scuffed up scraggly, wet & likely smelly, abandoned like someone's discarded scraps, into the unfriendly streets, where it was cold & rainy, & I see it in the dark, lit as if in car headlights. & it's stopped there, sitting, as if to say, "go on, nothing to stop you, so why not?", as if it is of no consequence whatsoever. & that's how I regarded myself from when I was a teenager, to, I don't know exactly, but as I've been talking with my PDr, I can only be sure, I care somewhat more than that. (been talking to him for 10yrs.)

Some people imagine things will be good within months, while I, & very many of us come to realise we have this life-long task, which often seems too long. Next February it'll be 30 years since I walked into the first Psychiatrist's office (not counting the five minutes when I was 14yrs old. That one doesn't count at all).

When I started in 1993, I could not imagine still going back over these memories, sorting out feelings, thought, meaning, how I' was effected, how I can respond now, living with feeling what I do, & re-assessing retty much everything. It's like I have to do a complete overhaul. Of-course it takes time. At some point, will this project be finished?

&, wearily, I think not.

& more feelings about that come up.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi

Yes the deepness and layers and taking care to protect while getting treatment for trauma blah so so much. 😳 Seems unfair to have that poor suffering puppy with layers of pain and exhaustion. Yes give me mekitty reaction to the bath. Hands off.
Im excited to be starting a new treatment EMDR and I’ve done some safety preparations. I also joined a support group to help me focus on me and not on others. I cry through most of the meetings and I’m sure they must call me the crying lady and they seem happily surprised I came back. I needed people I didn’t have to hide from and keep secrets from. It’s refreshing.
Im wondering if the writing workshops are opened near you at local libraries. When I was looking for groups for me I saw that some stuff was available nothing outside work hours. I was sad to see some things have not returned.
I bought my big smelly dog a big cushion for his bed and a new winter coat. He’s snoring in his bed probably a little over hot but in a deep sleep.

I hope you have shaken off your flu

🍋☕️🫖🤗 ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC,

Good ol' smelly dog, gets a new cushion - well-deserved too.😺Out with my helper, she was distracted by some things on sale for 40% off. In my opinion, to offer 40% off means the things were very much over-priced in the first place. Anyway, while she was buying something, I wandered about a bit & found some big cushions with hairly covers, I mean it, they were more than fuzzy. The hairs were 2.5cms long, fine & soft as silk. I was not paying nearly $100 for any one of them, not even the vivid pink!

To my mind, she doesn't need the bed cover she bought, & has a new mortgage with her hubby, to pay & interest rates are going up, no doubt, so why not put that almost $200 into that? She says she already pays more than half of the monthly payments.

Oh, well, I soon stopped voicing my opinion. Her priorities, her choice.

*

Support group, eh? I think the idea of being able to open up & have people see you being emotional & for you to notice they are not running away, admonishing you or silencing you is very important for you. Being heard, maybe for the firt time, about some things, will also be important for you. You will be speaking, to people really there in the room. & they aren't your therapist. Remember, just as here, share only what you are comfortable with.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️(extra for the support group)

Trying to keep warm(ish) without having my heater or my oven on all the time...

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Yes peoples financial priorities are interesting. I’m very much a bargain hunter. I like quality but I love a run out sale. I used to be able to get amazing things from David jones 75% off but those days are gone. 40% off seems to be the thing now. Long fluffy things get matted hold dust and dog fur. My whole life is reducing fluff and dust 😂 easy care. Does that show my age 😳 yes I think so. I hate shopping it’s not my thing I get bored browsing I’m there to get in find buy and get out. Always been that way my mean abusive sister can shop for hour and waste everyone’s time touch everything and play at shopping. I want to get home or to nearest cafe. I like a visit to cafes these days. A rich coffee and a omelette. Cafe near me makes banana pancakes with bacon. I have ice cream and syrup on the side. I splurge when I have grandkids it’s their favourite. So off my diet and only splurged twice maybe 3 times this year. I found them in January. 🥞 My guilty pleasure.

It’s not a spill your guts support group it’s to help focus on healthy thinking and focus on myself. Some people are quite strong and doing well and I’m the blubbery one 😂 I’m not going to drink the cool aid and wear the uniform it’s a gentle way to be with 2 legged people. The social group is big well organised and lots of activities and laughter and I skipped today the weather was bad and It’s a small indoor space with big verandahs and yard. Same I’m dipping toe in and meeting new people and I hope I can meet like minded woman there’s a lot of them. They have nice cakes cheese and crackers and kettles always hot.

So dark here and miserable. I’ve got casserole on the stove simmering beef eggplant leek and tomato with lots of garlic paprika and some anchovies for salt. My buddy got plenty of offcuts of the beef. He’s so happy. I’m knitting him a new jumper and he stands for fittings. 😂 so cute.

Hope you have some hot tea and a yummy treat.
MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi MC.

Those groups you have joined sound really good, with a clear focus on the reasons you meet.

I expect, with the support group, there are boundaries set out? I think that is important to be clear about.

See you after the upgrade! 😺

Feeling a bit anxious knowing I won't be able to post for a day & a bit... weird really ain't it, when the choice is not available?

❤️❤️❤️❤️

mmMekitty