Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I can champion others and push drag and encourage others but myself I’m tired Sade and fed up. I’m hearing you and very grateful

I do have no other option this person that was pretty and admired that gave me life and pain and ridiculed me and let people hurt me I’m protecting. My hubby refuses to take part and give me support or compassion. I’m not like her she needs me I’m caring for her. It’s so hard and I can’t let her be unloved or protected. I idolised the woman all my life and to see her be defenceless is too much for me. She recognised me today and I only lived for her love and recognition but her love was for her husband’s. her husband gave me a step sister and she was my mum. Imagine your mum marries abandons you and his daughter saves your life after years of the worst. My half sister previously was a narcissistic abuser who continues to attack me. Copped a good one today. The phone is the only way she can get me. I called her to discuss mums care. I feel like it never dies. I know my half sister suffered terribly but no excuse to hurt me her baby half sister. I’m dreaming fan isolated igloo except I have a family. I’ve never spoken about anything. My psychologist asked and I said no not talking and I’ve never talked ever.
tonight I’m in my safe room puppy here he’s resting now

Thank you MC

[Croix]

Dear MC and mmMekitty~

I don't know what a Widdle Wally is, but heartfelt hugs I understand - and return in spades to you both.

You are very special people who have a sort of magnificence about you. Those images you have of yourselves are seen though the selective lenses of the past. MK you are no longer a bedraggled stray frozen in the headlights but a full person improving you lot day by day

CM you can feel deep satisfaction that you are not like you mother, you have mercy and compassion and nobody can ask more of themselves, it is nobility.

Not everyone has an agenda or seeks to serve themselves. MK your help of others may help you too, but that is exactly as it should be, it is not selfishness, it is being human in its best sense. If you were not the best of characters then you would not feel the benefit in yourself when you help others. It will be a comfort to them too to know that in receiving help thay are helping you.

Maybe MC one day you can speak of things to your puppy in your safe room. Nobody will know but you.

My parent was toxic and we were never in contact since I became an adult. At the end of her life she reached out and I, though pity and duty, went to her. I found her just as toxic but I remained there until she had gone. Probably not the much comfort to her as I had to speak in neutral terms of inconsequential things that could not be turned around and used as weapons.

However I take pride in sticking it out and having been there.

A restful night to the pair of you

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Oh, dear heart, MC... I think I should just slide this hot ☕under the door...

Keeping yourself where you feel safe, good, & I'll wish you some quality sleep, too. 😺You are in your Safe Room, so I feel sure you can get some good sleep.

I need some too.🙀though I didn't do too badly last night.

I do have some pain in my legs, tonight. I've learned my right shoulder has bursitis. Physio might help with that, too. We'll see.

Good night, MC. It's been a long day,eh?

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Croix, everyone has a little version of themselves, so I believe, like mmMekitty has mmMekitten (or little me) who represents ourselves as we felt when we were young, & also shows us what we need & can give to ourselves now. In a sense, like parenting ourselves in ways our parents did not. I guess it's a mind game, in an effort to heal some of the early wounds.

Therefore, Mr big Walrus, you have a Widdle 'Wally' Walrus, who I miagined has a widdle lisp. Cute as anything, too, by the way! He's got soft fuzz - not whiskers yet, & tiny white nubs for tusks! & he wriggles & does somersaults into the water, laughing when his head breaks the surface again... Can you see him, yet?

Oh, I need to put us all to bed, eh? Sleepy time!

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty and Croix

Thank you for the kind words and support I’ve thrown myself down a dark hole and was digging downwards. Two steps forward three back should be my name. I slept with help and haven’t ventured to far today. Not answering the phone and mildly sedated. I’m trying to figure out a way to cancel tomorrow’s foot treatment and brunch I booked with a used to be friend. My fur friend is here and I’m wondering if I can get food delivered. Something fast food but it means I need to dress and I’m liking my pjs. I have a brother coming to help me but not till Monday so I can sulk and hide till then. I need to get my happy smile on and pretend for him he’s sweet and needs me to be ok. I haven’t seen psych dr for 3weeks the money was too much but I need to schedule an appointment next week or week after.
It’s amazing how comfortable I am in my safe space. The fright I had recently when I thought he was here has deeply affected me and seeing my mother getting neglected and robbed in care just destroyed me. I’m always alone and isolated and I’d be happy to stay that way. Mother’s Day was tough and I got a brief phone call but no special attention and I was sad about that all week.
im sure Mother’s Day is triggering for many of us I tried to offset by organising a birthday party for a family member on Sunday but it made the lunchtime better there’s still the disappointment. Father’s Day and Mother’s Day I need to plan ahead to be totally busy maybe camping trip so I’m busy dealing with life in a ⛺️ tent.
I haven’t even looked out a windows today. I’ve been watching funny animals on YouTube.
Sending calm vibes and woof woof from fur friend he says thank you for calming me down. 🐕💤🍔🍔🍔 Maybe I can get food delivered but need to leave my room

thank you

MC

[mmMekitty]

Sometimes it occurs to me, I do't want to be in my room forever. I don't want to be in my flat, or even on this lot which has 26 flats in three little buildings, with all the rubbish & noise...

I don't know what to say... Don't wallow, my head says, asking if that's really what some people want to do, including me, from time to time? Did I really wabt to be left alone with the mess in my head? It's like living in a room full of mirrors. - you only see yourself,& this is a self you don't like.

So, to today, after dithering & deciding how I would vote, I had decided to phone as early as I could, but my plans were interrupted before I could begin.

My helper phoned & said she & her hubby were isolating, having been close contacts with two (there may yet be more) people she & hubby were socialising with on the weekend. She knew she was sick Tuesday, but does not yet have definite results from a proper COVID-19 test. She's done a couple RATests & negative on those, but still unsure. Therefore she wasn't coming to pick me up to go to get another scan on my back.

How can I make arrangements for someone else when she has only told me 2.5 hours before due to pick me up?

Then I'm trying to find this place, by the address she'd given me. No useful result of my searches. I needed a phone number, too, to let them know, then that I could not get there. (I'm not taking a taxi, because of how many people taxi drivers deal with in any given day, & I can't wear a mask).

Fortunately, The Place phoned me! The man I spoke to was very good about it. & he gave me all the basic info my helper ought to have given me. & I found out the address I was given was incorrect.

Anyway, I had to cancel. Have to wait for when my helper is sure she'll be feeling better, before making another appointment.

Had to calm down some more, to place my vote via phone. & she was really good, having to read out instructions, all the names & parties, & everything! 😺 I tought she did such a good job, I complimented her. I wonder how many times these people doing this work have to read all the ballot papers for us who need this service?

I felt I still needed to go out & do something. I bought bread & crumbed salmon & chips.😺& feeling half-terrified walking up & back, startled a few times by people passing very close,oooo & the noise... resting, & the motor mower, so smelly another rest, & the steep stairs down to the carpark at the back of Woolies.... are any cars moving? ooo breath -.

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Oh!, I forgot, somewhere in there, my PDr contacted me (email) about If I had made my usual payment after speaking to him, yesterday. & I discovered, (because I keep a record of these transactions), I had made a slight mistake in the payment reference box - not including my first initial & short last name, but I had the date, so I don't know how I forgot the rest.

I replied to his email, explaining my error, with my apologies for the inconvenience.
I think he's happy now, as he sent through the evidence that he's sent my Medicare Claim through to Medicare. 😺All good.
I check my own bank records anyway, but it is reassuring to have the Medicare Claim Statement too.

Sometimes I have wondered if I am too 'neurotic' about keeping the banking records, as copied directly from the bank's website, until now, when they have come in very handy!

*

Today has been a rollercoaster. I don't liked these ups & downs!🎢...& that doesn't look much like the ride I had today, not like some I've read about here, & I think mine was mild, but, I still want to get off already,

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

Hi everyone, 😸⛅Already the little morning sun is gone, not 8:30 yet.

I only wrote bits yesterday. While my helper is here I don't get to concentrate on writing to people here. Later I get tired, & pushing through, proved to myself, that's not a good idea. Later my legs get too painful/numbish (I struggle to describe the sensation.) Try to have some time to watch a little tele I like, but also want to cook & eat & it's difficult to keep track of both cooking & the tele at the same time.

But during afternoon, I did get to some posts, the games mostly. & I read a word, & suddenly, I felt thoughts, memories & feelings overcome me, all to do with a single incident, a few minutes of it, & included an image my mind came up with, which, if I could still paint, I'd try to reproduce to represent the minutes of that incident.

It was a view of a portion of my body, not exactly a true-to-life representation of how I looked back then, & not a perspective I could have viewed at the time, during the incident. I have tried to described what I felt, physically, when I've recalled the incident, & it was as if there was a fish flopping there. So that's what my mind showe me yesterday: a wet, silver/blue/black/grey fish with yellow eyes, & a relatively short dark blue-black tail & fin along its back. wriggling there.

It threw me for a bit, emotions & memories of sensations, then the rest of the incident. & I protest this sort of mental intrusion. This incident was when I was 13 years old - how is it I can still feel this way now? Why must I put up with it?

& like, if I could paint it, I want to get it out of my head, onto something physical like a canvas board, or if I was writing again about this incident ,I'd prefer paper, but my computer will have to do... in the moment yesterday, I thought of the Thread, Vent and Let It Go, & went to find that, & did that venting I felt I needed.

& it's helped some... not entirely. I want to say more here... but because of how I was feeling in my legs, & how tired again, I didn't. I wanted to answer other threads, but didn't.

A couple more tele shows, & my legs are feeling like they will not let me stay seated, like they must jump up & move, or be more intensely uncomfortable.

I really need to get that sorted, somehow.

mmMekitty

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear MmMeKitty,

I really am sorry that a word has sparked up unwanted memories and sensations....I wish I could give you a real life hug...and tell you that you will okay...I’m here for you...

I know only to well, how words, actions, smells voices etc can land me into PTSD downers...and no they are very unpleasant to say the least..

Please Dear MmMeKitty, Try hard to remember and tell yourself that you are safe...they cannot hurt you anymore...I know how hard that is to believe..but it’s all we’ve got in life..our belief and faith that we are safe now away from our abusers....It is hard to understand why even after many years we still get effected by them....We can hide them in the darkest corner of our brain for days, months and years...not really forgetting about them...but just getting on with our lives the best we can...and we think to ourselves...that we are getting their...living our best life...then that happens a word to throw everything we worked for...upside down again....it’s so not fair...

mmMekitty....I know you’ve probably heard this before...but I just want to gently remind you lovely lady...that when your thoughts are stuck in PTSD...to try hard to divert them onto something else...it might take a few times to do this...because your memories are strong right now...maybe try putting on some music and sing a long with it..or do some baking with the music on....Our minds can only think of one thing at a time..if it’s listening to music...it just might stay on the music enough to give you brain a rest...

I believe in you dear Kitty...you are a survivor, I am a survivor, other people here and in r/l are survivors....We can’t let the abusers win....We are better them them...please sweet lady...try hard to not let them take away your here and now...they don’t deserve that..they don’t deserve even a second of your life....I have faith that in time, this will pass for you..in the mean time..know that I’m sitting next to you in spirit and holding your hand...with an open heart and listening ears...anytime you feel to talk to get it out please do so...this is what here is about..

My kindest thoughts dear friend, with my care..

Grandy...💜🌹🕊🌱🌿🌳.

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

Bringing oneself back to the present and leaving the feelings sounds and sights or mental visions behind. The struggle to shake it off.
Your post is calm and clear and shows how strong you are and how far away from the past you are.

Id like to post wise words and calming positive words like you do for me but mmMekitty you have an amazing talent to see where I am and reach me there. If I can offer up to you thank you for your honesty and your compassion.

I remember you talking about singers you liked maybe some good tunes from the 70’s to bring som strength and relax your legs and shake off the numbness. Covid has taken my memory I can’t name a name of a singer but hopefully you can get what I’m referring to.

Take these extra hearts for you to fuel up on today. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

🙂 MC