Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

I guess not taking charge and going with another's wishes could well remind you of past abuse. This in turn may make you feel unhappy with yourself -forgive me if I assume to much.

As you would well realise the circumstances were very different, you have a helper of the 'take charge' persuasion, and were in an environment full of difficulties as well as dealing wiht your own fatigue.

So you took the least energy pathway, actually sounds sensible under the circumstances

I would suppose your own reaction became some sort of trigger, and triggers are something you are good at dealing with. Actually you did good; going out and doing your tasks and returning, basically just what you intended.

In this case I think you are demanding too much of yourself, under the same circumstances I'm sure anyone would let the helper lead.

Dunno if that makes sense.

I'm glad you got your custard.

I can see a pile of hearts with a tail sticking out, I guess Sumo thinks they make a cozy blanket

Croix (who used a semicolon just for fun)

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix,

You don't assume too much. I'm just realising how closely my reaction under pressure is the same as it was back nearly fifty years ago; nothing has changed. I shrink, I want a way out, can't find one, except in my own head, can't communicate, fear if I did I'dmmake what is happening go on longer & worse, so want to, yep, get it over & done with. I create my own little barrier to hide behind & let them do whatever.

That's NOT what I want to do, not as an adult - it makes me feel so awful about myself, as awful as I've ever felt at my worst.

It doesn't help that I feel easily overwhelmed.

Wen out shopping it's too much noise, too much visiual stimulation for my brain to manage, choices. when I'm not sure what the there is to choose from, too little time to take the time needed, too much physical discomfort/pain, I dont even manage a couple bags & my cane without dropping something. I think,, 'I wish I was an octopus', but no, if I was I'd just be in more of a tangle.

At the medical things, it's keeping track of what is being said & asked, remembering thing I need to, & facing the possible need to undress at all or be examined, with the pushing prodding & positioning my body & limbs & having to co-operate & permit whatever it is they are going to do. &, most frequently, I don't see them coming. Most time they announce what they are about to do, but still I feel the touch as an intrusion & I am inclined to 'block' my mind & feelings from registering it - though, obviously, I already did! It's so irksome.

I'm still trying to process, rationally, what happened several minutes after, while my helper is babbling, (to my ears), talking about what we're doing next.

But I have to do these things. Part of looking after myself, my health, in particular... but you are right, too. All the fatigue & worries, imagining 'what if' too much, doesn't help.

Trying to decide when I feel incapable... but these are MY decisions. As horrendous as it feels trying to make decisions for myself, to be in charge of myself, I feel, if I let others take over, I'd feel much worse.

Except there is this conflicted part of me that says, go on, let people take over - it would be so much easier to just let them take care of me, like ... all the crap is true,. There is an attractiveness to being so 'cared for', if I just stop fighting & thinking, & caring myself. Who would not like to stop struggling?

Yet, so much I forget, can't seem to track, & then feel confused & uncertain.

mmM.

[mmMekitty]

& Thank you, Croix. 😹I love that image I have of a pile of hearts with the tail sticking up , like a parascope, with the tip turning round & round as if to see that the pile of hearts will be left to him alone! (He's a grey cat, isn't he, grey fluffy tabby?) True or not, that's what's in my head.

😻Lovely cat image! Now include purring.

*

That character counter caught me last time - but nowhere near this time! 💨

😺mmMekitty

[Hanna3]

Hi mmMekitty,

Excuse me popping by, but I have had very similar feelings to what you describe when faced with someone "taking charge" of me, so to speak - it has very bad connotations for me - and Mr Croix has hit the nail on the head in his response to you.

Shopping centres and supermarkets are exhausting places especially for those of us who have sight issues and deciding on the path of least resistance as it were, was the sensible thing to do at the time.

I suspect the role of support person would lend itself to the possibility of the person "taking charge" without thinking about it.

It sounds to me like you managed it well. 🙂🐶👌

[Hanna3]

Hello Mr Croix,

I would like to say hello as I pass by. Your responses to people are always well considered and insightful and I do admire the care you take when you are talking with people on BB.

It's always a pleasure to see you around sir, and I hope you are keeping well yourself.

🙂🙏

[mmMekitty]

NO worries, Hanna, my big people/walrus door is always open, while I might only use the windows or cat flap, to avoid the many legs & flippers. 😺 You are all welcome here!

I'd like if this could be another 'drop-in' place, like Croix's Parler. I, have appreciated his wonderfully insightful posts. He gives me much to think about & consider.

It will take a while to sort out this conflict between my needs being heard & my ongoing struggles to be assertive, & to not feel like a door mat when I do allow someone to step in, in the interests of expediency. It's a negotiation I need to have with myself & my helpers. I really struggle with the negotiation bit, even with my PDr over some issues. He is perfectly willing to discuss & even encourages me, but still it is so bleeping hard to voice my wants & needs, without sounding like, 'go on & trample all over me; that'll be alright'. Just stating my point of view - I feel like cringing & folding in on myself. Will I ever feel okay about my needs being recognised? This is still so big for me.

Want to talk more, Hanna? I can be found here, (well, I can find this place & not be confused as to whose place it is!). I get a lot from your posts, too. Love hearing about 🐶Sam, & the 🌳park, & how you are doing, the great friendships you've found here on BB - very ❤️❤️❤️heart-warming. You are a 💎treasure & a 😺pleasure to have around here.

I imagine, not an ice berg for me, but a multidimensional 🌳tree house, with wrap-around verandas, (inspired by Grandy's place) with heaps of trees & a river or two, & a launching pad for my 🐱‍🚀spaceship, & rolling hills to run with🪁-flying in mind, a field of ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️for all

Oh, & birds, & many other animals, who are all happy together, no worries! Even the 🐟🐠🐡🦈🐋are all virtual, so don't feel a thing!

For the walrus, how would you like a big ice⛸skating⛸rink?

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty and Hanna~

Hanna, I don't know what to say, I really appreciate your encouragement and can feel both your and mmMekitty's problems with others taking charge leads to many reflections on the past, old habits to be avoided, and a great difficulty in drawing a balance, even though the situation is not an intentionally abusive one.

I suppose the only obvious thing to say is giving up is not on the agenda for either of you, and that is as it should be.

I have had a fair amount of contact with carers and helpers over the years, not for myself but for a particular friend and others. Yes they can come over too eager to take the reins, however if one considers their duties may have taken them to people who have given up or are incapable it may be quite necessary there, but unfortunately becomes a habit.

I would think once you have established that their job is to defer to you (a hard thing to get across without seeming unappreciative) then there will be occasions where you can in some circumstances instruct them "take the lead for a bit" and feel good about it. It is a growing philosophy, know sometimes as 'person centered care' which promotes mutual respect and listening to a person's wishes.

Due to all the hearts I can't tell what color Sumo Cat is ATM, though I do remember he is sleek rather than fluffy as he has to squeeze though doors that only ajar.

A skate rink might be OK, though the only ones I think could use it were the inebriated kiwis (both feet in one skate) and unicorns (4 skates each). The penguins are perfectly happy tobogganing on their tummies and as you would know walruses galumph.

"I'd like if this could be another 'drop-in' place, like Croix's Parler" Imitation is the sincerest form etc etc ..😊

Croix

[mmMekitty]

😺It's always an amazing thing, how cats can sort of fold up, thin & get through the narrowest spaces, or into the tightest areas behind or under things! & how Mekitty could lie flat, except for her skull & the ear poking up, listening even as she slept!

Kiwis welcome, though I don't know what they'll be doing with the empties ... Windchimes? Other glass instruments? Millions of glass slippers, so everyone has a chance of being Cinderella, if they so wish? Who am I to say that's a questionable fantasy? Personally, I'd prefer geodesic domes for Mars.😺

Happy day, all!

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi Hanna3

Sorry for the late reply. I’m self obsessed and rolling down a hill of despair. MmMekitty and Croix have been chucking out the grappling hooks but I jump and weave and keep rolling.

sight. I’m amazed at mmMekitty and you and your courage. It’s good to have others

I have a fellow wounded child at she reaches out and we try not to hurt each other. I’m physically suffering along with my head stuff I had a recent accident and I’m on crutches but previous I had many injuries that made life physically painful. I’m trying to be positive and look for answers to my being. All we can do is search. I’m sad that I didn’t have a champion but I’m hopeful that I can be that for someone.
My stuff makes me hide but you go to Dog park did I get that wrong. I think I’d make a good security guard I’d have my doggy ready to pounce 😃🐶💂‍♀️🐕🐕🐕🐕

MC

[mmMekitty]

Occasionally, more over the last 10 years, I guess, I've been asking myself, what is the most important, most urgent & most likely to have the best benefit for myself, to do for myself?

It's hard to rank answers that come to mind, today. & the answers might be different next week, as they were when I first began to see my current PDr. He's asked me, too, to consider my needs , what's in my best interest, when I've struggled over making a decision about what to do.

Right now, MC, I think it might be the most important, urgent & beneficial to us both, to champion ourselves.

Although I had not ever thought I had anyone who championed me, no-one who could & would lift me & carry me, & help me to become stronger, I also didn't think I could do any of that for myself.

I saw myself as a bedraggled puppy sitting in the road, rainy night, & I saw the puppy by the light of headlights. The puppy just sat there, not looking up, not even trying to move. & I could not approach it, either, to pick it up & carry it to safety or warm its shivering body, or dry is matted coat.... I couldn't imagine doing that.

That mental image has been with me for 20-25 yrs. It was a pitiful image I had of myself, feeling so hopeless, helpless to help myself, not caring either way. I'd felt abandoned out there, without any idea of how to move out of the road or rain...

Personally, I think it has taken more desperation, rather than courage, to lift myself enough to begin walking. It really has felt like learning to walk, just as a child does, falling over, several times, & getting up again.

To me, deep inside, when it looks like I'm trying to help someone, I think I'm doing something to help myself - really selfish-like.

My little mmMekitten is nourished, grows & feels the benefit, too. I feel I am caring & actually loving my little me, & this is what I missed back then & what I need now.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️to you me, our younger selves, each & everyone!😻

(Yes, Croix, there is a 'Widdle Wally' you, who could use some warm heart-felt hugs, too.)😻

mmMekitty