Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Paw Prints]

mmMekitty I just want you to know I hear you.... your pain & the fear and confusion of that little girl. There are no excuses for how you were treated or ignored by those around you who should have been keeping you safe. 

You are a kind, gentle empathic person lass 

Gentlest of hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Dear MK,

I'm so sorry you had to endure those awful things. I think the silence we keep of these events is actually a wisdom within the child, that we know at the time it is probably the safest option for us then. I was watching Gabor Mate's film The Wisdom of Trauma today, and he speaks about how the child's need for attachment is so profound and essential for survival, that certain things have to be suppressed at the time and that that was actually a smart survival response. So I think that reflection on what could have been had we spoken up is something that so many people experience. Sometimes we are hard on ourselves later for not speaking up. But actually it was a logical way to keep ourselves safe as we possibly could. I had chronic shaking by the time I was 13 and my guitar teacher took my hands and asked if everything was ok at home, and of course I said yes. I was never going to say no.

I think recovering from these things as an adult is reconnecting with our true self that's always been there. As a child you were in an untenable situation. I totally understand about the fearful thought of what might have happened if you had disclosed things to those teachers. These days there are mandatory reporting laws, so teachers are required to report suspected child abuse. In the past I think it was so much avoided and swept under the carpet. It's hard to know where things might have gone then, had you managed to speak to a teacher. But I think the thing to know now is you coped as best as you could and did amazingly well to become the mmMekitty we know with your wonderful sense of humour, compassion and creative heart and mind. There is a special you who has survived and gets to share your spirit with us.

Hugzies,

ER

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

I'm not surprised it took you 2½ hours to write this out. I'd be sure there is more, but waht you wrote is enough -at least for now.

You were trapped by threats, by fear of what will happen, and by a desire for the closeness of family, even if you only got a destructive response to that need. When the very ones that are supposed to love and nurture you are the cruel betrayers then trust withers away.

Bob as already given you a pretty good response and there's no need for me to go over it again.  Yes there are toxic people, and peole who do not realise, and those that do but look away. And this is indeed a heartrending situation.

Others are the opposite, from natural aptitude and empathy, or from thier own bitter experiences, and the more you see of these the more it is a remedy to that heartbreak. Some are loving and steadfast and I hope you find them in your life.

Small acts of kindness can mean a lot. I remember the railway guard who would always hold up the train until I'd been to the loo then as I embarked blew his whistle and waved his green flag.  No prompting, no asking, just naturally considerate and kind. He wil have passed away may years ago but his nature lives on in my memory.

Toxic situations of course injure and make life long memories, sometimes if we are lucky we have memories like this too.

I beleive "What if's" are a dead end. True events might have gone differently if you had been in a position to trust others more, but you have no idea the consequences and I suspect pondering on them can add to greif.

Although you daily live with the results you have turned into exactly the pesron whom you would have needed, caring, insightful and wise - with a sense of humor! I've said before you have my admiration, I'll say it again, please judge your own thoughts and actions with that in mind.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hello ER & Paws.

Thank you both very much for your kind & carin

I feel like, that since my life took a different path from where it might have gone has had such an impact on me that I cannot go back & become the person I might have been, How far back do I go, anyway? It becomes another huge set of 'what if...s' 

I don't know what sort of person I'd be now if I'd known my mother for all my life, or just a few years enough to remember her, or something in between? Or what if my father hadn't wanted to move to Australia? What if I & our family had remained in USA? What if my father had never married my (ex-)step-mother & we'd not lived with her or her children?

So many things have an effect upon who we are, how our personalities develop, how our minds develop, how we see & interact with the world....  & I'm not even going to guess at what random things that can happen to anyone, anywhere at anytime.

No, I can never know who I might have been but for the circumstances I had while growing up, & the circumstances I have here & now.

I like to think that at least some people who might have had a negitive effect upon me actually had the opposite effect, in that I didn't want to be like them.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

The power company is planning a power outage in my area this evening until the early hours of tomorrow morning.

Although, I ought to be in bed, hopefully sleeping, for at least half of the power outage, I feel a need to make some plan, for this eavning, & while the power is out, I won't have my audiobook on my Pc, so I may want my phone, charged & available, with a book to listen to.

Since 8 hours is a rather long time to be without power, I want to pack something around the food in my fridge & freezer.

Make sure I know where my meds are so I can still take them at the usual time.

My dinner will have to be finished cooking before 8pm - yeah, I know, it would bebetter to eat earlier, but it doesn't always happen. I have that that ready, & just need to hat it later. I've noticed, when I don't have power, I feel some anxiety about getting my meals. That's why I'm doing that, even though I could still get a salad for myself. Yes, in the dark. That's not much different to how I make my salads now - usually by feel, anyway. This is something purely to ease my anxiety. I suppose you could say it is another sort of 'comfort' food.

I can't be playing on my phone all evening, & won't be here on the forums tonight either, so I have thought, I can do exercises, take a shower, (we have gas hot water), do the dishes, (again, I do them by feel), vacuum (it is charged up), or even enjoy some of the sounds of the night.... & take my meds, use moisturer .... begore I know it, it will be bedtime.

No worries.

Hugzies to all reading & to me

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear MK~

Power outages are a right nuisance but I'm impressed at the preparations you have made, I'm sure all will go well.

My laptop, a Lxxxxo, has an 'always on; USB port on the side, and I can charge my phone from it at least partly. I wonder if you have the same sort of setup.

Please do remember not to flatten your phone completely, everyone always needs a little in reserve  for emergency calls

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Hi Croix. Would you like a cup of tea? Or whatever it is walruses drink?

Very good point, Croix, to not allow the phone's battery to become completely flat, in case of emergencies.

A month ago that happened, & I don't quite know how. When I plugged it into the charger, on the power board, via a cord, my phone kept announcing the level of battery charged up until it reached about 30%, every few minutes. Except that I was curious about how long this would go on, I very nearly turned the voice over off - it was so annoying.

Guess what? They didn't cut the power off anyway!

I made sure my phone was fully charged.

I'd turned off my tele, leaving my PC on, listening to my book, had my dinner, did some exercises, did the dishes, had my meds, (leaving a couple until a little while later), & was feeling quite tired by 10pm anyway, & still the power had not gone off. ... had a snooze while listening, then got up to do the other meds, & brushed my teeth, & decided, I was going to bed earlier after all. My tiredness was leaving me much at all day ... But I think I didn't sleep well, because, I was still wondering just when the power would be cut off.

So, tired this morning, but eventually got up & wen to the gym, because hydrotherapy was cancelled because the therapist was ill.

As much as I like the hydrotherapy, I think I got a better workout in the gym.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear Mk~

Thank you for the offer, walruses prefer fish soup (or clam chowder) to tea. Incidentally we tend to have an invigorating aroma of fish and the sea, not antique vegetables !

Yes, nothing worse than a flat phone, it's become so central. Not taking a charger to hospital with me is a pain, as every one of the staff seems to have something incompatible.

It seems almost a let down wiht the power outage not happening after all those preparations, never mind I'm sure they'll have one sometime:)

I'm pleased you enjoyed the gym, it's handy to have an alternative.

Croix

[Ggrand]

Dear mmMeKitty and everyone…..🤗.

I read your post of about a week ago and wanted to give you a hug…like you I cannot understand how parents can have children and be that cruel to us/them…..or how some humans can be cruel and hurtful towards one another….yet others are kind and caring….is it the way we were raised that determines our outlook on people and life?….I mean some people have been treated extremely badly throughout their childhood and life, some of those people treated badly turn out to be angry hurtful people, even though they know how it makes another feel….. yet others being treated badly throughout their childhood and life turn out to be kind, caring and thoughtful of other peoples feelings….again because they know how it makes people feel to be treated badly….

This is something I’ve been struggling to understand for such a long time now…

Thoughts anyone?..

You have been through so much trauma in your life…..my heart goes out to you Dear sweet mmMeKitty….You are a beautiful survivor, who’s heart goes out to help others….You truely are an amazing person…..I really hope you know how very special and inspirational you are to so many of the community members here…..(me included)…

Love, care and hugs everyone…

Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

Hello Croix, Grandy Paws, ER & everyone

I realised last night, (very early this morning) I was tense, anticipating that they might have got the dates wrong on the card they put in the mailbox, & that power might still yet be cut ... I'm feeling alright now, although I wonder if they will reschedule the maintenance which would require a power outage for another day ... wonder when ... Can I really feel relaxed, yet?

*

Grandy, thank you, you are kindness & care yourself. As they say,, look up 'kindness', 'care', 'compassion', 'resillience' & 'courage' in any dictionary & surely your picture would be there.

You are someone I have admired very much since I joined BB, what? Two years ago, already? Yes indeed, it has occurred to me (& I missed my BB Joining Day anniversary, which was Wednesday, sept 13 - 13 days go!

[LRC bemoans not having a party]

Hugzies

mmMekitty

P.S I have more thoughts - back later....