Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Doolhof]

Hi mmMekitty,

Sometimes one day at a time, one moment at a time, one issue at a time certainly helps us through.

I went in to work yesterday with the belief that I was in control of my thoughts and how I reflected on other people's behaviour towards me.

Our minds are powerful things and can quickly take us on a downward spiral if we are not aware and not able to find some way of acknowledging that fact.

It is okay to struggle and have difficult times. Accepting that then finding a way to move on helps me.

It helps me to write out what is bothering my mind then I try to write things to be grateful and thankful for.

Hope you have a day with many grateful moments. Regards from Doolhof

[mmMekitty]

Hello again,

Yesterday, I felt so tired most of the time, I felt unable to concentrate on writing much beyond a few words. several times I'd type a word incorrectly, half a dozen times before getting it right, & by then, I'd forgot the beginning of the sentence. I think this sort of thing may be in my top ten of 'instanly frustrating' things.

Just off the top of my head:

*When my iPhone won't do what I told it, or it's doing something I didn't ask it to do.

* Ditto for my PC

* Ditto for my so-called 'smart' TV, which often talks too much, it's voice sounding like it is under water.

* When I can't find something I'm looking for.

* When I know I've forgotten something But can't remember what it was.

* When I put something down, & immediately forget where I put it, such as the spoon I was using to stir a saucepan, or where I last put my phone & it is making noises, wanting me to answer a call, & I still can't locate it.

* If I leave my glasses in an unusual place, get distracted, or as when I simply walked off to have a snooze, leaving them on the counter, then forgetting completely that was what I'd done.

* Leaving cooking ingredients out after use, often overnight, before I realise.

* Dropping things on the floor

* Knocking things over, & onto the floor, or & liquid is involved, it's spreading everywhere,

* When I am trying, & have to keep trying, to make my body feel comfortable, at least enough to sleep, or walk, or sit up a little longer, or cook, or do anything really, & my body just seems to want to not be helpful or co-operative.

I don't feel grateful when I feel miserable or when I feel I can' do anything. It's these times which erode any progress I have thought I've made over the last (almost) 30 years. That's a bigger, wider, all-encompassing, like climate is to weather, frustration.

More later, I've got to get ready to go out, get another blood test. I think, despite my concerted effort to drink more water, my kidneys still don't seem to be putting out enough, so another blood test could be a good idea my GP has had.

mmMekitty

[Ggrand]

Hi Kitty,

Awe sweetheart..it’s so hard to be grateful sometimes...You Haagen been through so much this past week or so...Please try hard to no be so hard on yourself..

A lot on your list I can relate too...I remember a few times...yes a few times leaving my glasses on when I went into the shower😂..I noticed when they fogged up...

I had a habit of putting my car keys anywhere...and it took hours to find them...my support worker suggested that I hang some hooks on my kitchen wall...and whenever I come home to immediately hang my keys on one of them...it worked...My phone...yeah...I still misplace it a lot...mostly it’s on silent so that’s hard to find...I try to remember where I put it....only to find it’s still in my hand bag....We, well a lot of people I think when feeling anxious, depressed do have some type of trouble remembering where things have been put....or concentrating on things..

I do hope your blood test are positive for you..

Good luck, beautiful lady...

Sending to you via...internet cyber express a gentle warm hug 🤗, full of my care and good wishes...

Grandy..

[mmMekitty]

Hi everyone,

Thanks Grandy, your hugs are so uniquely yours, so warm & tender.

So I went with my helper, up the road, got the blood test, then stopped at the bakery, & had a sausage roll & bought a custard pie for later. When sitting to eat, (outdoors), my phone rang, & it was the nurse who had arrived at my place to tend the drainage tube.

I had completely forgotten, as if I'd never scheduled the time which they would arrive every day. I'd phoned them to let them know, because I still had one drain, I would still need someone to visit me I only did that two days ago.

So, after eating we went to get (hopefully), milk & some chicken Not a big shopping, or taking more than ten minutes in the shop. Although I din't find exactly what I wanted in a cut of chicken, we did find a little. So much was not available.! Even the few shelves we passed, were two-thirds, three-quarters empty.

I know I was anxious to get back home, because the nurse might be able to get to my place soon, she had said. & being in pain while moving, just because we humans don't glide nearly as smoothly as you might have thought, until every step makes some pain in parts that don't usually hurt while walking...plus the noise, plus I hate the machines, & it complained about how my helper had put my shopping in my shopping bag before it was ready, so there's this notice to wait for assistance...a couple minutes felt like 10, & I felt I was going to have a 'melt down'. My helper don't know just how close I was to being so overwhelmed in that moment.

In the end it was fine. I phoned the office & apologised, & while talking the nurse phoned me to say she could be at my place in just a little while. I used the 'hold & accept' my phone offers when someone phones while I'm talking to someone already. That worked good, & so I told the office what the nurse had said.

Then I realised I'd forgotten my morning meds! Sitting right there where I had put them ready to have after breakfast.

*

Sudden noises are startling me more than usual. I keep thinking someone is outside, at my door, or window, too close, as if trying to either get my attention or to bother me.

*

I think 'Find My iPhone' ought to have a feature which would tell me, 'Where was the last place I put my phone down?' & have it tell me, something like, 'In the bathroom, on the window sill', or 'On the table next to the front door' - as specific as that.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMeKitty~

Frankly I think the "instantly frustrating' things." are topped by the fact you have had a large operation only a few days ago, you have that add to all your other hassles. Frankly I think (from the point of view of a lowly walrus that eats raw seafood) that it is a real wonder you can cook, let alone mention it it so off-handedly - you can get to make slips when you attempt a lot!

Sometimes when I've made a string of mistakes I fire up a comedy recorded from a radio program, or something similar where I can just sit and listen, forgetting the chaos I've caused.

One I find relaxing is the very long running (now sadly finished "News from Lake Wobegon", the ongoing tale of life in a fictitious Minnesota rural town where "All the women are strong, all the men good looking, and all the children above average"

Many episodes are now available to the public, with a sample here. It may be a bit fiddly to navigate though the lot, perhaps have a try then leave it until you want a challenge.

https://poorstuart.com/podcast-series/Prairie-Home-Companions-News-from-Lake-Wobegon/135/

The home page is here, though it offers the full shows -which are large - , not just the news.

https://www.prairiehome.org/index.html#

Something very different, it was a staple since the 80's on America's National Public Radio. It's wry humor and gentle digs combine with an insight into human nature that appeals to me. One of my ambitions was to travel to the Fitzgerald Theater, St Paul, where the show was recorded weekly. Sadly will not happen now:(

Croix

[mmMekitty]

Wasn't that part of "This American Life" with Ira Glass?

By the way, my frustrating thin crept in from some years ago. It's the last year or so which I've thought these things are eithr more frequently frustrating or more intensely frustrating. I'm feeling more often & easily grumpier with each passing season.

Now, I'm 🙀💤grumble, grumble, & that ain't me snoring.

[Croix]

Dear Grumplestiltskin~

No, Ira's TAL is based in Chicago and has no relation to a Prairie Home Companion which was produced by Minnesota Public Radio. It started in rudimentary form in the mid 70's and kept on until a couple of years ago.

Actually I don't blame you being grumpy, it is very frustrating that matters that should be easy have hiccups and stall. I have become a lot more impatient in recent years for the same sort of reasons. Easy tasks that basically should require no thought become bogged down.

Good the nurse's visit worked out, did the last tube come out?

It sounds by your more than usual reaction to noise that you are a bit jumpy. Not surprising, I get that from stress. Hopefully things will settle down.

If you really have serious trouble misplacing your phone you can get a key-chain whistle you attach to it. Then you press a button and the device beeps. If you always kept the button at the same place it might work -what do you think?

Croix

[mmMekitty]

hmm, funny how you managed to spell "Grumplestiltskin" just right! 😺

So, we can't be absolutely sure what I remember hearing on ABC radio a few (I dare not try to pin a date on it) decades ago.

Left side drain is still in & the upper arm is still sore, especially underarm, & tight nearby, & the point where the drain goes in underneath is very tender, & sometimes gives me spikey pain. There is still a larger swollen area, (part of which is me, I know), that feels so in the way. When I lie down it's like having footy socks in the area, so uncomfortable, but I can't remove them!

I'm not comfortable on my right side, yet, because there is still the wound from that drainage tube, & some swelling & pain in that upper arm & underarm, & it feels too tight & under too much pressure to lie on.

I've got very sensitive spots on or near the long incision. It's difficult to find any clothes comfortable to wear. The fabrics tend to little more than tickle. It is irritating.

Some of my skin feels so tight I want to use moisturiser on it now, but was told not to yet.

Sometimes, I get so tired of the sensations, & spikey/stabby pains when I get up & move about, or even twist in my chair, reaching a little say out or back, I just want it to stop NOW. I go in & lie down, until the feelings settle again. Then I calm down. Then, I know I have to get up again, & it all starts again. I think this is certainly contributing to my fatigue,& mood, & when I can't seem to concentrate on what I'm doing or listening to.

I started listening to another book, half a dozen times, just to try to understand what is supposed to be going on with the first character. Oh, well, I tell myself, it isn't going anywhere, so long as it's up on YouTube. It does get difficult to go back just a little bit though, because it is hart to see how much time will have elapsed at any point on the slider. I try, but it's, you know, frustrating!

Oh, & everything apparently simple, expected to take a few seconds or minuts to complete takes at least 3 or 4 times longer these days! Have you noticed that? Especially when advise, this survey or form will only take a few minutes of your time? Half an hour later or I have quit before then....frustrating!

mmMekitty aka Grumplestiltskin, but always your LRC 😻

[Croix]

Dear LRC~

One thing in your last post did ring a bell, and that was difficulties concentrating on a book/video. Frustrating, worrying and it deprives you of the interesting material you might otherwise have used or enjoyed.

I was in the same situation the first time in hospital, my concentration was zero and I'd been a speed-reader in the past. At that time I was hopeless and would reread a paragraph again and again - and get nowhere.

A kind nurse lent me some adolescents' fantasy novels, and one particular author packed puns and plays on words into just about every sentence, for example "Boot Rear" is a fizzy soda that, when drunk, causes you to feel a swift kick to your bottom. I am most fond of high jinks involving language.

This sparked my interest in each sentence and reading thus became an end in itself, without having to grasp the overall plot. As time went on things improved. Now I'm back devouring a a book in an evening given the chance.

As for surveys that promise to take "Just a few minutes of you time", if they promised to take "Just 26 hours" would you even start?

Croix aka W.A.Spooner (whoo is ex-seedingly de-lited to sllep "Grumplestiltskin" write)

[mmMekitty]

I find listening to audiobooks is rather like speed reading, for me. I was not a quick reader at the best of times. But I really didn't want to rush & miss anything, even when trying to get to where the 'really good bits' would be.

I get through a lot of books now. If I had a really good memory I'd be struggling to find enough of the kind of books I am sure I will enjoy. So, in a way, it's good to forget so much that when I go & read a book after six monhs or a year, it is almost like reading it for the first time. That's fine for fiction or poetry. When it comes to factual books, I would like to retain what I learn a whole lot more.

When I began really enjoying reading, I got into Stephen King. I still enjoy his books, although some seem well, like a little more work could be done on them. & I'm not so keen on the supernatural stuff as I was then. I've liked many science fiction books too. If one is a part of a series, I want to know I can read the whole series before I begin. I also have thoroughly enjoyed Terry Pratchett. He was so full of ideas & playing with language too, apparently frivolous but often discussing societal concepts.

mmMekitty 🙀