Introducing mmMekitty

[mmMekitty]

I am mmMekitty, named for my cat, (my avatar), who lived 7 years. It has been five or so years since, but I still miss her. Mekitty an I had a simpler relationship than any I have had with people.

The photo is the one I to retrieved after my hard drive crashed. She had wandered off, was away for six days, when she turned up again in the middle of the night. I cried with relief. This was the photo I used for her Lost Cat poster I put up around the neighbourhood at the time.

As for me, I cannot see the detail of the photo nearly as well as I did then, and then my sight was poor. I am now using text-to-speech software, zooming on my pc, voice over. Since I find this stuff difficult, I get really frustrated.

I used to keep all my emotions in check, so much so, I thought and said I did not have any feelings or reactions to anything. That changed and I could not deny the existence of my emotions. It was a terrifying time. What was happening to me? I was falling apart and all this unidentifiable stuff was pouring out.

I have had to learn so much since I began seeing the Psychiatrist I saw back then (1993 - 95). From learning I had to put words to the experiences, name, own, accept them. Still uncomfortable. I beat up on myself too much, I know.

I used to do things I can no longer do to my own satisfaction. I still sing, but not like I used to. I cannot paint like I did. I cannot use pen and paper to write, so have managed to adapt to keyboard. That is something. I have been working on being more sociable, less isolated, but last year, when COVID-19 retrictions required face masks be worn, I found I could not - which is what brings me here.

I have had to curtail so much of what I had been doing. I am feeling the isolation now. How ironic! I resisted even thinking I needed anybody, then I try to have some friends, join a writers' group, get help with things like housework and shopping, going to places for fun and entertainment, only to have to withdraw again because I cannot wear a mask. It bites, like a scorpion.

I will make a thread, now I found the place to click to create one! I think my problem was with how I have my desktop appearance. It looks like any ordinary link, hiding below another, for creating a feed link. Now I know.

I suppose I will get around to talking more about myself. I will need to be careful about how involved I become, so please, don't expect me to pop up everywhere. I would burn out if I did that.

(Purring) mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

Thank goodness for music, it sounds one of the big factors in making circumstances bearable just now.

I'm not surpried some of the anesthesia acted as a mood drug as a side-effect. Hopefully it will be pretty nearly worn off by now.

I think 3 visits a day may be a good thing, there are bound to be umpteen things (like washing drying) that it will be easier to leave to others. Also if constantly tired there may be a temptation to skip meals, there others can assist.

I wonder what the reaction was when you said you had no camera, something I think must work in your favor at least for the next appointment or so.

You may be borrowing trouble worrying about that big bandage. Mrs C recently has an op where there was a very big and waterproof bandage, which like yours was adhesive all the way thorough. After a couple or three weeks it started to loosen in the showers and eventually peeled away without undue hassles. I hope yours is the same.

We have just had a really big storm here, which is why I'm later than usual, had everything unplugged until it quietened down. Sumo Cat is having a bad day, to the vet this morning for his annual injection and checkup inside the hated cat carrier, then trying to hide inside a recliner chair during the thunder and lightening.

Fortunately all is now good and he has had a tasty snack to sooth his feelings.

Croix

[Hanna3]

Hi mmMekitty, (and a wave to Mr Croix)

That's interesting about the anaesthetic. Some people call out and babble coming out of anaesthetics - remember it's similar to having been hit on the head until you're unconscious, so your concentration and memory can be affected for a while. Rest up and recuperate dear lady!

Bear with the bandage for the time being. It's there for a reason and keeps your wounds

protected. I'm glad you have people coming by as otherwise I think you actually might feel anxious. It's much easier to have people checking on you and giving you a bit of company.

Music is good, I'm with Mr Croix there!

Take things very easy and start getting better!

I'd send a big hug but that would be most uncomfortable for you at the moment, so I'll send very best wishes instead! Much safer!

😃💐🐕🌼🎶🎵🎧🎻🎷🎹💕

[mmMekitty]

Hello dear people, dogs cats & walruses (I am presuming Mrs C is also a Walrus, or ought I not be so presumptuous?)

I am still feeling odd, but the memories of the most of the adverse effects are thinner. A couple remain strong, though. I was thinking, the last thing prior to waking was someone lowering a blue mask towards my face, & even in the moments then, I was feeling my panic rise, & I tried to object to the mask,.."It's just oxygen" - why do theysay that? It's obviously not just oxygen, plus I can smell the rubber/latex & a slight chemical smell..., but I was saying, "no" & my arm was moving as if to brush the thing away from me, not really under my own control - just doing it. & then I was out to it until I woke with the surging memories, images, feelings, associated with those, & my feelings of distress about it. & I guess I dropped off again, because the next thing I know is really, being awake, on the ward, in bed. I realise I don't actually recall waking up.

Just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable, & it's going to be upsetting at any moment.

It doesn't feel very good to be here, with the neighbour upstairs. I don't feel comfortable even inside my flat. So, you might understand, I'm not sitting outdoors, even on my own back porch. (Smells out there anyway because of the rubbish, which people, upstairs neighbour included, drop all over the place.

I haven't wanted people in my flat. Slowly I've had to learn to allow a few people in, usually one at a time. I have felt , before, that in my place, I felt secure, private, & unexposed, not so vulnerable, as when I am with anyone. I've felt safer alone for a very long time.

If Iaccidently do myself an injury, that's one thing, & I deal with it. If, on the other hand, I am in asituation where someone else can or does do me some injury - ever again - I fear & dread not being able to respond & fight for my safety. I feel defenseless - physically, I mean, if anything ever was to happen again.

Emotionally, the risks feel just as great, maybe even more so now I can't prevent myself from feeling all my emotions like I once did. Doing that, in one sense. did make me feel I had some form of protection.

You know, this ought to be in my other thread. Oh well. If I get moderated, I get moderated. I would like the option to edit myself, whatever might be deemed to be 'gone too far'.

I was struggling to describe this to my PDr, so I still need to work it through my head - writing/talking.

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

I’m glad you are home. What an ordeal you have been through and you are still dealing with the affects of it all. The drugs and experience in hospital and the surgery is a lot. I completely understand and hear what you are saying about being vulnerable and unsafe.
It will subside slowly and talking to BCN may help. Your body has taken a beating and your emotions too.
Sleep and rest are good but I hope you can get some calm. My dr wouldn’t give me some drugs for pain recently because of my mental health. You have identified what has blown you away and I hope you can regain your peace. I really don’t have any answers except that I was at my lowest and because of your kind words I’m doing ok.
Thank you for your kind support and I really want you to feel better as soon as possible. Feeling bad is expected but it’s never nice.
♥️♥️♥️♥️MC

[Guest_1643]

Hi all

Glad to hear Ur home

Nice to read how u beca,e gradually more comfortable with ppl jn Ur flat, that shows flexibility and openness

I someti,es get memories that scare me too, not sure if it's the same but I do know it can be scary.

[mmMekitty]

MC, Sleepy. thank you.

Yes, in one sense I did realise how glad I was to be leaving the hospital, all the people everywhere, night & day,& then to realise this place where I am is not the 'home' I want to come back to.

I don't know where I can be, to have a place where I can truly feel at home. economically, my options are extremely limited, & the subsidised state-run 'social housing' certainly does not offer much lattitude. I can qualify for one type of housing, & be unable to move quickly even if I wanted to live nearer my sis, for example. (Where she is, I doubt there is any 'social housing' available.)

I really like my own place, space, & being not as physically close to neighbours, even if I liked them.

Why does that seem like too much to ask?

*

MC, I've been blown away by you! You amaze me. I get the sense of what you've written, you've been knocked down so hard you thought you never get up again - but here you are! I think, you are amazing. I manage to quell many of my worst feelings & thoughts, & being able to do that, allowing them their quiet corner, is how I manage. I kink of imagine you are a traditional boxer, who steps into the ring ready to fight & defend yourself. What you do, everythime you choose to honour yourself, to go for what you need, takes courage when the emotional ties to others who would pull you in other directions si so strong. I can't help but be proud of you. I admire your determination so much. & I am deeply moved to think my presence here, at this time in both our lives, has meant so much to us both.

I do want to underline one fact. While I may have managed to say something, which was of help to you, ultimately, YOU are the one who did the hard work, to be where you are now. I can cheer you on much as you need, but in the moments of greatest need, you have been able to rely upon yourself.

There is one thing all us 'survivors' has in common, I'm not sure what to call it, but it has made us the 'survivors' we are. I'm not sure you like to call yourself a 'survivor', so, please tell me if you don't like the term. I know I haven't been comfortable with it, but I'm going to use it even while I am uncomfortable. I did survive. I am surviving . & I will continue to survive.

Sleepy, that goes for you, too. & so many others here, I literally can't name them all!

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi mmMekitty

How sweet you are I smiled and a little giggle at your description of me. you are a traditional boxer, who steps into the ring ready to fight & defend yourself.

I do see myself as scrappy. I get in and amongst it and this has at times saved me and harmed me. I fight hard for my loved ones and I’m learning to add conditions. I was all about unconditional love well no more. I am trying to give me unconditional love. Trying to boost my self esteem and to love myself by giving myself encouragement. Always had plenty for others but not for me.

What else are we but survivors but I’m hopeful that this time I can find a better place to be. Maybe conquerors.
Sleep well

MC

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty (and all)~

First and most important (to protect my own hide of course:) Mrs C will consent to being mentioned as "Mrs C", but takes great exception to being called "Mrs Walrus"! She feels it conjures up visions of mustaches, long teeth and very substantial figures (plus an exclusively seafood diet).

Nothing could be further from the truth. A quick comparison with Marlene Dietrich might be more appropriate.

I would expect that the combination of the physical hardships of surgery together with the anesthetic and any other medication you may have needed may still be lingering in your system, and that in turn may make unpleasant memories of the op and present feelings of increased vulnerability come to the fore.

Mind you, I think you underestimate your abilities to defend yourself, not ideal I know, but maybe better than you anticipate. "If I accidently do myself an injury, that's one thing, & I deal with it." shows great self-confidence, and I don't think it is totally misplaced in other situations.

Have you considered that (unless I misunderstand -if so my apologies) the problems you normally face with neighbours, visitors and all remain much as they have been, but now they prey on your mind somewhat more? Feeling vulnerable is not surprising considering what you have been through, with some uncharted territory in practical terms still to anticipate.

I would think this thread is fine, people have been following your op here and this is simply a continuation of those events.

I'd hope memories of the mask (which might well have been oxygen during the induction of the anesthesia) will fade. Very different from my own memories of putting a mask on the first Mrs C, who needed oxygen at times, it came as a relief for her, a great resource to have to hand.

Sumo Cat have gotten over last night's storm and is 'busy' beside me.

Croix

[mmMekitty]

😹I hope you tell Mrs C how she is LOVELIER than Marlena, hands down, any day of the week! But pointing out the flaws in my conjecture was brilliant!

Earlier today, I realised one part I thought was damage from intubation, may not be related at all. I now feel I have an infection, either in my upper palate, or my tooth, near the swelling, or it's in my nose, (again - because it feels like it did when I did have an infection in my nose, many years ago . I wish I'd thought of the possibility earlier. Now I wait for Monday, & go see my GP, if I can. I hope she accepts my diagnosis, without sending me for a scan or x-ray, & just gives me a script for a course of antibiotics. Tonight it feels more like a toothache, (oh no!) but the area of swelling is in the gum & the small area in my upper palate.

About this post versus my other post which specifically is/was intended to be where I & anyone. could talk about our inability to wear masks.This one is in the 'Welcome & Orientation' area, whereas the other is in 'PTSD & Trauma', because the inability I have is glaringly associated with my past. Here I cannot be as forthcoming as I 'd like, not even so in the other, actually, but more so than here.

You may have noticed how important it is for me to be fully honest & open. Even when I know something I am writing is going to upset me, I feel the need to write it, all of it, all the more.

I write in order to acknowledge my feelings, thoughts & experiences, & to say, 'there, it was real. No denying it now, It's there on the [page, PC, Word docs,], for [me, anyone] to see, who cares to look, that is.

& I don't want to let anyone keep me silent ever again.

I'm trying to not have my posts edited. I understand most people don't need to know every detail, & don't want to. The other post they can easily avoid. I think that's a fair compromise. It's got it's Trigger Warning right up front on the section header.Please, let e have my voice. If I could put a Trigger Warning on my Avatar, would that help? I'd do it if I could, to see if it does.

mmMekitty

[Croix]

Dear mmMekitty~

"I hope you tell Mrs C how she is LOVELIER than Marlena, hands down, any day of the week!", actually I do - to which she replies "There's no fool like an old fool". A fair exchange:)

I would not worry excessively about what you wrote before, I'd expect by now anything untoward would have been dealt with. I've already tried to put a positive spin on that equipment, as you may have noticed.

It is worth bearing in mind - as you do - the location of this thread and maybe one day consider having it moved or even cutting down from two threads dealing with your life to one, it helps us keep up. Just random ideas.

As both are well established it would not be easy, perhaps something to discuss wiht Admin when Beyond Blue returns after the break.

I can't see anyone now keeping you quiet:) You are forthright and thorough in documenting matters you need to acknowledge, and while some of them may need to be described in more general terms -rather than specifics - the Forum can be a good place, though it is no substitute for the full collection on Word documents or other means you mentioned.

I don't see that putting a trigger (or Tigger) warning in your avatar would accomplish anything. If you are in a section that already has one you are generally safe to talk.

On VERY rare occasions I've put an additional trigger warning inside one of these areas on a single post of mine, but on those occasions I've first discussed with moderators about the suitability of the specific post and its wording.

Documentation can be a great thing, not only as a release and acknowledgment of events, but also as a memory aid, where one can see what one wrote then and there - sometimes with time memory enlarges or diminishes such things.

I'm sorry about that probable infection in your mouth, do you have sufficient soft food to get by until you can get it sorted out?

Croix