In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Starwolf]

What a horrible childhood you had...I feel for you because my own was also spent living in fear for my life. The trouble is it doesn't end when we move away from this toxic environment. It leaves behind deep scars and negative patterns become entrenched in the brain.

It is difficult when you don't agree with the diagnosis your mh team has arrived at. I agree that a lot can be overlooked during 10 minutes. Everyone affected by mental conditions deserve a lot more attention than a few minutes of a therapist's time, particularly when there are complex issues.

What I can read between the lines of your posts is that -since you have been on your current medication- you sound a lot more stable. So this is a big step forward, regardless of the diagnosis you were given.

Re anorexia, my experience has been different but I believe a traumatic childhood can play havoc with the way we see "nurturing" ourselves. For some, food is one of the few things they can control. For others, it may be a kind of slow suicide due to feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. My own issues with food (I wouldn't eat and my mother would force feed me every meal) vanished a soon as I left home. I was the lucky one. But this sudden recovery made it obvious where the food issue had come from in the first place.

We are all different though we all share common ground...

It sounds like your children are making the most of their free time... the close bond that you have with your family is a gift.

[Simona]

Hello Star!!!!

Yeah the medication is doing it's job. I'm not staring with this deadpan look on my face. Also I haven't been listening to Wagner and the rest. I can be very obsessive with my classical music but now I'm actually listening to the radio in the car which is a very new thing for me. I'm not feeling suicidal and I don't think much about SH. I guess making myself sick is a form of self harm but I haven't done it for 2 days so far so that's a win : ) Haven't been getting any messages and getting worked up about them. It doesn't feel so crowded in my head now. What else has my partner noticed? I'm not pacing around crying about everyone hating me or plotting against me, I'm not ''off ya tree'' whatever that means, not manic anymore and not so moody he says. He said I'm mostly calm now and he can look at me/or in my direction without me getting really paranoid wanting to tear his face off. His words btw

I do feel abit overwhelmed when I think of taking this medication indefinitely. I wish I could be stable without it

Last night my partner did trigger me with his tone and I almost* hit myself but stopped in mid air. He said 'C'mon c'mon now why do you wanna do that..have a THINK'. So I did and decided it's a stupid thing to do and sat back down. Instead of turning on myself and having a tantrum < he says I'm like a child) I decided to TALK to him and I told him a few things without swearing or using a TONE.

I said : I was having a really good evening until you said what you said. I had a great dinner. I even kept it down. I was calm. Now you seen me; I was sitting in my corner CALM and at PEACE. Then you talk to me like that and destroy it all. Why?

I allowed him to say his piece . I didn't interrupt which was immensely hard because I felt like I was choking myself. I did in the end put both hands over my ears then he finally stopped talking. I don't like speeches.

[Simona]

Wishful 🙂 I'm thinking of you. I also want to say I used to shop at Lush so am familiar with their delectable smelling soaps. At one point my partner used to put henna in my hair. I bought the henna from them too. Caca Marron was the colour. A really pretty glossy chestnut brown. I also have 2 of their lip tints. Very bright red and a vanilla perfume. I like smelling like cake

Hope you are ok Wishful. Today I'm sad for you because you are in a big mess

[Wilma1]

Hi Simona, yes I have got myself in a mess, but my own fault.... I'll just have to slowly work through it, not sure how.

Smelling like a cake. I've never been into make up, lippy etc. I wore it once when I was a bridsmade and couldn't wait to get it off... Chestnut brown hair, I had you as a blond, don't ask me why, I love blond hair, specially strawberry blond. I do like perfume though...

You have come through so much Simona, and you are a lovely mother. Are you in the tent tonight??? It's pouring rain here, we needed it, so Maggie is inside all day, she hates getting her feet wet. If you are in the tent I hope it has a comfy mattress, I'll enjoy my bed.

Im still in my dressing gown. Can't be bothered getting dressed!!!!!

Hope your afternoon is going well.... When do you start hiding the Easter eggs????

Wishful

[Simona]

Hello Wishful 🙂

Nope. Not in the tent tonight. We have some wild weather here today. Rain, wind gusts - the lot. The tent blew over and had to be packed up. It's cosy and warm inside. We have a fire roaring away. I have been painting Miss 9's nails a posy pink.

Thank-you for saying I'm a lovely mother. I'm really trying hard.

I'm a brunette with short brown hair : ) If you google Penny's short hairstyle from the Big Bang Theory that's my current cut. Been blonde, black, red too. Shaved all my hair off a few times so been bald too lol. Couldn't stop touching my head it felt so smooth lol I just used to wear a bandana but I rocked the look with short biker boots. I used to also have a nose ring but it kept getting caught on tissues/towels so got rid of it.

I haven't been out today either. It's not vey nice out there.

When do I hide the eggs? Saturday night while they sleep.

[Wilma1]

What, I've shaved my head 4 times. All people say is ....nice shaped head..... Well yes, round of course!!! And I have a nose stud. Keeps getting caught in towels etc. it's a tiny diamond... I'm always searching for it... I'll look up penny's short hair cut..... I also thought you had long hair... I wander what people look like at the other side of the computer. I used to be black, grey now. I actually like grey better than black. Never experimented with colours, just getting it off.... Lol.

Fire sounds nice. My heater isn't working, waiting for someone to fix it. I think I'll get air con, they are upgrading.

Just had a nice hot shower, almost feels human now.

So Saturday night hiding eggs. All over the garden???? I once visited a lady who had her grandchildren hunting for eggs. Each had a little basket and the race was on to see who found the most.

Ive flicked through tv channels and can't find anything worth watching. Might put some music on.

Have a good night. Wishful

Posy pink nails. I'm working with my inner child at the moment, posy pink sounds like it could be a goer.

I don't know what that sentence is doing there, it was above the other one. Ugh!!!!

[Simona]

Ha we sound so similar : ) Yeah that's what I had a stud. Annoying bloody thing it was. Cubic Zirconia. Nearly tore it out so figured it has to go. Then I got a ring one but I got sick of it too. I had semi long hair when I first started posting here. I was dying it blond then and partner hated it. Sometimes I cut my own hair especially when I'm in a mood. I'll just chop some here/there. I'll chop away for a while. How long is your hair? Have you seen Edward Scissorhand?

No usually the rabbit hides the eggs inside the house here. I keep thinking of Frank rabbit from Donnie Darko.

I'm not watching TV either. I will Youtube some Aha vids soon. I like their song Manhattan Skyline a lot

Goodnight Wishful : )

[Starwolf]

It sounds like taking the med has not only improved your lifestyle but also your partner's 🙂

Something that I learned the hard way (is there any other way ?) is that a traumatic childhood stalls the emotional maturing process. So yes, it is easy to get stuck at the tantrum throwing stage. Kudos to you for stopping to think and holding it together. You have amazing resilience.

And you know what...the more we realize that staying calm pays off, the easier it is next time around.

I do like your sense of style. When I was living in India, I had a nose pin because it was the done thing there. When I moved to Australia, over 30 years ago, no one (except from Asian migrants) had one. It got me banned from a few public places. I was the unwelcome weirdo but I never took it off. It is the Indian bevelled type so doesn't get caught. 5 years down the line, everybody wanted to know where I had my nose pierced so that they could have it done too. I figured some celebrity must have started the trend...Ah the silliness of what is fashionably acceptable or not !!!

[Wilma1]

Hi Simona, my hair is all lengths because I cut it myself. I just can't sit in front of the hair dressers mirrors looking at me!!!!! I looked up your hair style. Very nice...

Yes I have seen Edward Sissorhand.

Have you ever heard of Twila Paris???? She is a Christian singer, I love one of her songs The Warrior is a child... Not sure if you'll like it but the words are great.

Hope you are having a good day. W

[Simona]

Hello Wilma. I have a love/hate relationship with mirrors. I'm either besotted with my reflection or i reject what i see. I talk to myself and look at my reflection in disbelief. What in the name of Christ is this? And i just want to smash myself one

99% of the time i don't know who I'm looking at so i study myself from 4 different angles using an extra hand held mirror. My partner on occasion appears at the other side of the door and asks me if I'm alright in there or if i want an extra mirror. Ha ha

I'll youtube Twila Paris now