In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Starwolf]

Feeling better ? That's terrific news ! Thank you for sharing that things are looking up at last. It makes me happy. If someone deserves a break, it is you...

The fact that anger has eased is a huge step forward. But I think many of us can relate to the urge to slam computers against the wall. If it wasn't for the sobering thought of further expenses and complications, I believe my own laptop would have died a violent death a long time ago !

Well done also for easing on vomiting too often. It does play havoc with your general health, which is the last thing you need right now. Take good care of yourself Simona.

As for freedom of info, I hope your experience with it will be better than mine. Years ago, I was on a disability carer's pension for my daughter. Centrelink kept mucking up so I ended up demanding access to my file. I was told I had to wait. The person I spoke to was silly enough to tell me why...some info in the file was for internal use only so had to be removed before handing it over !!!

Let's hope you will have better luck than I did.

[Simona]

Hello Star

I've started taking pics again. Not with my Nikon just my mobile ph. Not nature pics but graffiti around the town

As for taking care of myself I'm doing the best that I can. I try to hide the worst from my family in particular my children. I like my collarbone and hip bones sticking out but I just want to be slimmer still. I youtube a lot of channels by anorexics and compare. I can't help it

[Simona]

11.48pm

it helps some to come here and type but often I feel too mentally unwell for this place. I can't socialize, I can't connect or relate to anyone

[Simona]

So my mother is putting together a little notebook for me. It will be filled with all sorts of information like the music she wants at her funeral to all the names/contact details of my relatives because I really don't know these people. This alleviates some* anxiety but not all. I spoke to her last night and she said her knees are bad and she can't walk far. I hope this is not a sign. I told her please don't die and she just laughed and said why would I die? I tried not to get too worked up. I did tell her for the 200th time I'm scared of losing her and dad for numerous reasons. I don't know much about funerals or organizing a funeral for starters. Like what to do with a body. My mother doesn't care. I can't talk to people unlike my partner who talks and laughs with many because he runs a business in town. Now I understand I may sound screwed up but just hear me out. Even my psychologist doesn't know this. My mother and father scared me a lot about 20 years ago. They got together and tried to do themselves in . My brother found them unresponsive. He called the ambos then me and I was just about to have a shower. I had the bad anxiety attack then and couldn't breathe properly. I caught a taxi to their place and I was trying to find important paperwork and identification. I was freaking out. I couldn't make sense of mum's drawers and all her paper crap everywhere.They were both very lucky with strong livers but scared me forever. My psychologist doesn't know this because my mh clinician told me NOT to talk about the past and focus on the present day to day struggles. I think she means well by this. She just wants me to stay out of the mhu. But I guess I just want to put it out there that hey, I'm not this clingy big baby for nothing. I'm just so scared of losing them for real. I just don't feel I have any coping skills to face something like that.

[quirkywords]

Simona

I have been reading your posts here and I would not call you clingy rather I see you as being very honest and brave and you have dealt with a lot in your life.

I hope your weekend goes well.

quirkywords

[Starwolf]

My oh my Simona, what a horrible thing to go through...no wonder it took its toll ! This is the kind of trauma that ends up in PTSD.

You say your psychologist doesn't know but what about your clinician ? I f she did know about this particular nightmare and how it is affecting your present life, she may change her opinion about not talking about the past. It is true that leaving the past behind allows us to move on but only if the past has been processed and dealt with first. Well done for sharing this dark, scary part of your life with us. I agree that such traumas must be cast out instead of keeping them bottled up. Nothing good ever comes of this.

So I'd suggest you do what feels right to you and explain your reasons to your clinician if necessary. Nothing wrong with seeking assistance to help you process this major hurdle.

And nothing to do with being clingy...a normal response to an abnormal situation.

Trust your gut feelings re the best way to handle this and go along with them.

First of all, enjoy your children's time off school.

[Simona]

So kind of you Quirkywords : ) thank-you

[Simona]

Hey Star!! What a lovely surprise to see you : )

I do feel traumatized. My mother through-out my childhood battled with alcoholism and made 2 other attempts on her life. I remember sitting in the E.D as the nurses worked on her. During those times; my younger brother and I were left in the care of my father who has Schizoaffective Disorder. My father used to hurt her a lot and once forced her out the front door naked in front of all our neighbours.

I didn't have many friends. My first boyfriend was 21. I was 12 and Schizophrenic by 13 hiding under the bed. I was convinced they were going to do something bad to me. Or leaving the house half undressed. That was me rolling around on the grass looking at the clouds and talking to my 'friends' wearing not enough clothing.

My former psychiatrist and his psychiatric nurse told me I have Schizoaffective Disorder and PTSD. They were the first to put me on my current antipsychotic. They could see I was struggling with anorexia and the medication being weight neutral I would accept over others. I took it for a little time and stopped. I ended up in the MHU. Once in the public system they couldn't help me and we don't have private health insurance. So our local MH team took over

My current MH Clinician and the various psychs I have met while being an inpatient have rejected my Schizoaffective and PTSD diagnosis. They have instead diagnosed me with BPD with Psychotic features.

I don't consider this fair because these various psychs have spent under 10 minutes with me.

[Simona]

The last time I was in the MHU I was having command hallucinations of SH and of being harmful to others in particular another patient. I was vocal about this to the treating psych. He said: Hello Simona. I said: Simona isn't here. I'm here. Where is Simona?

Simona is resting

I was discharged a couple of hours later with a sh*t eating smirk

[Simona]

* I just want to say that even though my childhood Bf was a fair bit older than me he wasn't a pervert. He kissed me but he wasn't intimate with me until I was 16. He waited for me.