In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Simona]

I read a passage from the Bible. I feel little better. I sense things no-one else can sense at night. And tonight is very windy too

[Starwolf]

Night is a bit of a paradox, isn't it ? It can bring either fear...or rest. Perceiving things other people don't can make relaxing difficult. At night, there's not much outside stimulation to distract. It is hard to ignore the stirrings of a mind on the alert.

You will probably have tried coping strategies like herbal tea before bed (chamomile, passion flower, valerian etc....). Hopefully, your med will in time put an end to the night show ?

So far, your days seem to be improving. I can't wait to read about your next achievement. The course is something to look forward to. Even if you feel you don't quite fit in, I'm sure you will learn a few useful things. Where courses are concerned, it is what really matters, isn't it ?

Are you planning to cook another meal today ?

Raining again here, courtesy of the Queensland cyclone tracking south so not sure how long sat net connection will hold.

Have a good day, Simona.

[Simona]

Star I really think they got my diagnosis wrong! I tried to get a hold of my mh clinician but she's not in until tomorrow. I thought about ringing the triage at the mhu but don't want to piss people off. I've been doing a lot of thinking and researching. Some things just don't add up. Now i'm not saying I'm going to stop my antipsychotic again BUT I am rejecting the BPD verdict. It's not me. Just because I lose my temper now and then doesn't mean I have bpd. Everyone gets mad once in a while. Now is it possible to turn into a bpd person within 1 year? Because my partner said aside from my schitzo affective he only noticed me getting aggro mid last year. They forced a needle into me and that made me plenty aggro. That's when it started. Before that I wasn't aggro I was just psychotic (crawling around on the floor, being an angel or a dog but I was never mean. I prided myself on how nice I was because the ambos used to come in looking real serious and i would tell them hey I'm the nice one. I just used to be a little psychotic but I was otherwise fine. I didn't harm or threaten anyone. I didn't break or throw things. I didn't even SH. Unfortunately I can't remember what I done to end up hospitalized the 1st time. I have been trying to think real hard. I think I may *appear* to be bpd because I'm under stress from being so closely scrutinized by the mh people. I don't talk much. I sit alone in the mhu. There were people ranting and sobbing loudly. I just walked and stayed in my dark room. I kept to myself What is wrong with these people that they have to label me just because they don't understand me.

I will be bringing this up tomorrow with my mh clinician & my support worker. I feel emotionally violated.

Star: Yes. The night time. I can relax my body but not my mind. last night partner said 'I can see you're going funny again', (I was standing in the hallway) . I take my antipsychotic just before bed after 11pm.

[Simona]

sorry I rave don abit there but it's been playing on my mind ALL day and I'm physically ill from the thought of it. I sit here and I gag on my own spit. I will do that domestic violence course it will get me off the streets. I don't know much about socializing but I can teach them some assertiveness if they want me to speak/contribute

[Simona]

I'm quitting this place for a while

thanks for being here for me Star.

[Starwolf]

Take care dear Simona.

[Starwolf]

Why not discuss your doubts with your clinician whenever you get a chance ? Calmly and just like you have done here. Your point of view makes sense. Comparing it with theirs could be interesting. I too would ask what makes them arrive to the diagnosis.

Hopefully nothing that calm, honest communication cannot resolve. You deserve clear answers.

[Simona]

I'm feeling better.

Still taking my antipsychotic except I missed 1 day. At least if things still go wrong they will say 'hey at least she's tried'.

I Youtube ASMR vids when I'm struggling with negative self hate thoughts. It's very soothing and calms my inner voices. Night time is very hard for me. It's like the dark has come to devour me. I can't watch tv or even read my bibles.

I have Christ and Mary on the wall now looking down at me. My corner of the living room where I sit. I'm trying not to make myself sick everday because I'm having issues with being lightheaded/dizzy and my heart goes erratic. Also my teeth have been hurting so I got really paranoid last night because I watched a couple of youtube vids of a girl who lost a lot of teeth because she kept vomiting every day.

I have also been very busy with Freedom Of Information. I'm trying to gain access to the book about me which they keep in the MHU. As a consumer it's my right to know what things have been written about me. Considering their psyches have spent such miniscule time in my presence ie under 10 minutes. I want a copy of their file asap.

I ended up having to leave my name and number on a machine and I almost stuffed it up because I got very anxious. I didn't tell them I'm a former psych patient because they would probably think I'm having a paranoid episode and delete my contact details. I just said I spent fair time at the hospital and want all the information under my name.

This is what I'm currently pre-occupied with

[Simona]

other trivial useless bits of information: I scored a black deus ex machine cap for $1 2 days ago. I also haven't been angry with anyone except my laptop. we get such slow speeds here it like takes 8 seconds for 1 page to load. I get so pissed off when I'm trying to watch ASMR vids or songs and it stalls or starts stuttering. I know it's not my pcs fault but I slammed it against the wall the other day but hey it still works

[Simona]

I knew there was something else! I started taking pics again. Not of nature. It's a random thing, I see something that resonates and I capture it. I'll upload the pic I took on the weekend soon. it's on my mobile and I got to find the lead. my desk is a brothel