In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[Guest_9809]

Good morning Simona. It sounds as though your meeting with your mh support worker went well on Friday. And I'm glad you got to go on a long quiet country drive with your partner. A snake? I didnt think there would be too many around right now, but I guess thats just where I am. Was it a black snake or a brown one? We get mainly red belly black snakes in our area, but the occasional venonous brown ones. I have to watch my little dog to make sure she doesnt bail any up near my large outdoor bird aviary, where they like to hang out sometimes.

Hey good on you for considering doing the short course on self esteem and assertiveness training. It sounds very worthwhile, and definitely worth doing. I hope you decide to do it. (-:

Sounds like your weekend was a difficult one for you Simona. I am very sorry to hear that. Hopefully today will be better for you, along with the rest of the week. I admire your desire to do right by your family and yourself by managing to get that antipyschotic down. 3 cheers to you. Especially when I know how hard that would be for you. Hopefully with support from your mh support worker you will be able to maintain your ability to continue with the meds. Soon it will get easier Simona. But please remember to eat something as well, otherwise your stomach will not be able to cope with the meds.

I thought of you Simona when I saw about the cyclone coming in QLD. All the SES workers will be out in force and doing what they do best - helping others in times of floods and other disasters. I just hope that the cyclone is not as bad as predicted and that everyone remains safe up there. Anyone can register to become an SES volunteer. As far as I know you can register on-line and they provide any necessary training. So perhaps it is something you can still consider in future. I'm sure they can use any willing hands, in a variety of different capacities.

Okay Simona, I hope you are feeling a little better today. I will be going away for a week from this Wednesday and will not have computer access, so I will be off-line for a while. I will definitely check back in with you when I get back by the following Wednesday though. In the meantime keep well, and I'll send a farewell hug your way.

Taurus xx

[Starwolf]

It sounds to me like your partner didn't want you to drive while angry. Because anger could make driving unsafe.

Feeling on the edge of snapping is scary. It is what anti-psychotics are meant to stop but it takes a while for med to kick in. Which means you would have to hang in there until it happens. Do you think you could manage ? Of course, if you really feel you are not coping, the possibility of admission is still there.

I always thought the Shining was a terrific movie. But the difference between Jack Nicholson's character and you is that I can't imagine you turning homicidal. Angry, paranoid, difficult and argumentative probably but a killer ??? I always admired your ability to stop yourself from hurting your loved ones...though you may turn against yourself. From what I have gathered from our conversations, your episodes come and go. There are good days and bad days, not the relentless progression towards disaster shown in the movie.

Thinking of you, wishing you peace.

[Simona]

Hello Taurus

I will be ok. You just look after yourself and stay strong. You are the most selfless person I know, coming here when you have so much going on yourself. Thank-you

The snake was most probably a brown. We get a lot of them up here.

The short course sounds interesting. It's primarily aimed at victims of domestic violence. I don't really know how I will fit in if I go. I'd be the terrorist amongst them. In my small town there are no mental heath support groups or therapy for someone with my diagnoses. If you are mentally ill and want company you go to the neighbour hood house and make blankets and play chess. Real sedate activities. I can't focus much on anything. I walk around , pace, kick my legs when I'm sitting. Fidget and continuously rub my palms together like something really special is about to go down.

Today has been ok. My partner is home keeping an eye on things. I'm full of remorse and dread. Remorse for being a psycho all weekend and dread because I feel I'm on the edge of a cliff about to tip over.

Yes I will keep on with the antipsychotics. I rather do that than end up in a big mess. Big mess: wind up in the mhu then on a community order. Worst case scenario not be allowed to live with my children & partner. That would completely destroy me. I wouldn't last a week by myself but I would crudely renovate my dwelling first.

Yeah I heard about the cyclone. My cousin lives up that way. SES - maybe one day once I'm stable. It's certainly something to work towards.

So anyway : ) thanks for dropping by. Will be thinking of you & Tammie

[Simona]

Hello Star

Well I'm managing so far. Night time is the hardest. I don't know...it gets dark and I 'feel' 'IT". That may be the Schitzo affective at play I don't know. Sometimes I feel mad as a hatter. I researched BPD and I'm right on the bottom end of low functioning with the psychotic traits. I feel i have the appeal of Gollum from Lord of the rings when I'm in pain and lamenting about wanting to die.

They will only admit me if I self harm or threaten to or if I'm planning to harm my children for example. Or maybe if I ring up triage and tell them I'm Joan of Arc and I'm going into town to stop traffic and raise an army.

I really hope i don't lose it. 

[Simona]

Tonight will be my 3rd day on the antipsychotic. I was anxious last night but got through it. Going to take it later tonight because if I have it straight after food I'm nauseous. And by 9.30/10pm I'm slurring my words and ready for bed. But I still pop up at 3am like some puppet except I can't walk straight.

It felt GREAT to be able to cook my family dinner. Poached egg & bacon toasties for everyone. Feeling really proud of myself and partner is so happy to have me back. He said my eyes look so much better because when I'm unwell my eyes look evil apparently.

I'm feeling like I'm getting better. Being in the kitchen again was a start anyway. The only thing that bugs me is when it's starting to get dark and I feel anxious like something bad is coming. I sit here and brace myself

[Guest_9809]

Hi Simona. I am just popping in briefly now as I am travelling first thing in the morning and will be off-line from tonight until next Wednesday.

I just read your post tonight - I am so pleased for you that you have been able to cook a family dinner. It sounds pretty yummy too I must say. Its so nice to do all the little things and feel as though you are accomplishing something. And you are, most definitely.

I hope that taking the meds a little later in the night helps with the nausea. Its good to experiment to see what works best for you. Everyone's reaction is different no doubt. Finding a happy compromise is always a good thing.

Wishing you a great week Simona. Please take care. Certainly things are looking up for you, and that makes me very happy. I am very proud of you. Does that sound a little silly? I hope not, because its true. Keep up the good work.

Hugs to you.

Taurus xx

[Starwolf]

So pleased that things are looking up. I bet being able to cook dinner felt great ! It must have felt the same for your family too...A terrific start indeed.

I hope the jumping out of bed at 3 am will eventually stop. You would feel so much better with uninterrupted sleep.

Well done for experimenting with the anti-psychotic. Only you can know when it is best taken. Part of experimentation is the test of time. So far, taking medication seems to be working wonders...and it's only early days. Hope of improved lifestyle and functionality is on the horizon. You deserve so much better than living a chronic nightmare.

Well done for making it happen. I know how difficult making this decision has been for you. The reward of improvement is proof it was the right one. First cooking dinner...who knows what you will achieve next ?

Thank you for sharing these victories (insert air punch).

[Simona]

Hello Star : ) Yeah I was so proud last night. I even rang my mother and told her. She was very happy for me too. She said please don't stop taking it.

Today I went into town and walked around again. There is not much to do. All my chores are completed by 10am and I 'm in a clean empty house.

I walked around a lot. I walked back the way I came and then walked back again. I had my dirty chai in my favourite café. I went into the op shop and found another bible. This one is very old. I think the person who owned it is dead. I asked the lady how much but she smiled at me and said we don't charge for bibles.

So now I'm collecting Bibles.

Partner is not home today and he's working far away. The house gets big and boring. I try to read some but can only manage a couple of lines at a time. I pat my beautiful cats and talk to them. They follow me into the bathroom and sit on the vanity while I rouge my lips.

I wanted to talk to my mh clinician but she's not in today. I wanted to ask her how long will I have to stay on antipsychotics for because I don't think I'm in psychosis ALL the time. I'm lucky that I'm on one of the newer ones. It's very expensive in America. I have been on a few since 17. I also have a very strong one I hide amongst my clothes. It's a fast acting one incase emergency.

Bit by bit I will get better. My speech will improve. Like I can converse but sometimes when I do my words come out like scrambled eggs and I have to STOP, BREATHE and TRY AGAIN. This happens when my brain goes fast like a slot car loop track. My partner is very understanding and patient. He never makes fun of me but I get so cross with myself I want to hurt my head in frustration.

Yes I'm a night walker. I hear noises every night. They wake me up.

Tonight I'm putting pies on for dinner. So it's just the oven.

[Starwolf]

Sorry you are feeling a bit lonely today. Your children will probably soon be back from school. Amazing how quickly a couple of kids can fill up an empty house !

It sounds like you are not only improving your life but also that of your loved ones. A win-win situation. Stopping med is better done under close supervision. I have unfortunately experienced and witnessed a few times how disastrous it can be...being at the receiving end of the results and taking emergency drives to deliver my psychotic room mate to the nearest mhu. Very distressing for both of us.

The closest town to me is some 85 kms away and there is not much to do there...unless you are into pubs or hairdressers. Neither are somewhere I would even think setting a foot in. I'd love to taste a dirty chai but that's way too exotic for this small country town. I used to enjoy spiced tea and coffee when I was living in Asia.

There is a hotel closer to me, a very rural, informal place. I sometimes go there for lunch but never at night, the only time when it becomes crowded. I don't like the company of drunk people. I use the place to socialize some of my rehab dogs. It is good for them to watch strangers come and go without too close interaction. And it gives me a quiet break in a different environment.

I hope you'll all enjoy your pie dinner. I haven't thought of mine yet but I can tell the dogs already have theirs in mind. So I guess it will be the priority (sigh).

A peaceful evening to you.

[Simona]

The night time is not a good time for me. Constantly on guard.