In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Simona · ‎21-01-2016

Hello. I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me. And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know what else to do. And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps. My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking. Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS. And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there. I have no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me. I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!". I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat. Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD. So far today I'm ok i think. I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair. A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok. I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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Guest_9809 · ‎24-03-2017

Morning Simona. Please know that my thoughts will be with you this morning for your mh support worker meeting. Keep calm, remember to breathe, try to release that anger you are currently feeling, and be reasonable in your discussions. You'll be fine.

Sorry your stomach has been hurting, it probably meant you didnt get much rest last night, which doesnt help.

Hugs to you.

Taurus xx

Starwolf · ‎24-03-2017

I get what you are saying...when we have lived through/with any long-term situation, we identify with it. So ending it feels like we are losing our identity. It is scary. Stepping into the unknown (change) is scary.

As I see it, the issue becomes do you want to experience who you could be without all the symptoms of schizoaffective condition and BPD ? How attached are you to those symptoms ? Do you believe they should define YOU as a person ? Or do you believe they are getting in the way of who you really are ? Do you think they are the real YOU or that they are a false personality created by all past negativity and your response to it ?

Those are questions only you can answer.

Peace of mind is a precious but fragile state. I hope you can hold on to it today.

With you in thought.

Guest_9809 · ‎25-03-2017

Hi Simona. How did you get along with your mh support worker meeting yesterday? I know you started yesterday badly with your son's tantrum after his phone was confiscated. You also said that it put you in a bad mood. I hope you were able to get through that okay and that your meeting with your support worker was productive.

Anyway, just wanted you to know I am here, and I am thinking of you. And yeah, a little concerned for you too. (-:

Hope you're okay. Sending hugs.

Taurus xx

Simona · ‎25-03-2017

Hello : )

I'm feeling really sad.

1. I miss my 18 yr old. I spoke to him last week but he hardly said a word back. I told him 'I know you love me' but he said nothing back.

2. Partner wants to turn my son's bedroom into an office. I don't like this idea. The bedroom is a shrine to him and I go in there to lie on his bed and cry. It's got all my son's things in there because he didn't move out when I was in the mhu. He fled with 2 backpacks and left everything like his expensive guitar. The bed is made. Everything is in order incase he wants to come home to me one day. I don't like anyone entering his room.

3.Partner is angry at me. He said I'm making everyone suffer. I asked how? he said: 'Just having to watch you'. I said to him 'So you want me to feel bad about myself'? He said YES. But i already feel bad about myself I replied. You want me on guilt trip? YES he said.

'Well you should know by now what happens when I'm hating myself'. Is that what you want? he didn't say no he just said Christ.

Today I'm being punished by my partner because I had to listen to his speeches. He's been cleaning all day and touching my stuff under the bed.

Simona · ‎25-03-2017

Yes I went to my mh support worker on Friday. I wasn't mad with her. We went over more anger management stuff. She is trying to teach me how to recognize when I'm getting angry/frustrated. She drew a graph and asked me about medication. I told her I should take all the medication at once then everyone will be happy. She asked why do you think that? I said because then I won't squirm anymore and people will be happy for me. After the session finished I rang up partner and asked him to take me on a country drive out of town. So we went on this quiet long drive. I just like to sit and say nothing. I don't like to talk much. I did want him to stop so I could check out this snake that was slithering across the road but he said don't be silly it'll be gone by the time we go back.

Thank-you for saying hello and the hugs : )

Simona · ‎25-03-2017

Oh I forgot to say I might be doing a short course soon. My mh support worker gave me the flyer. It's by the local domestic violence group and it teaches you self esteem, assertiveness, how to say NO etc. This would be useful to me I just need to find out the times. I know it's 2 hrs once a week for 8 weeks but that's all.

Starwolf · ‎26-03-2017

Simona, people often say things they don't mean, just because they're feeling bad, angry, hurt helpless etc...And because no matter how close we are, we can never fully understand each other. So we often end up saying /doing the wrong thing. Your partner sounds generally supportive...but he can't nail it all the time. None of us can.

At 18, your eldest still has many answers to search for. Perhaps he didn't know what to say so said nothing. Youngsters need to live their ow life. He will probably return at some later stage...but as a guest. He will have moved on from his past, just like all beings do, may they be human or animal. Perhaps your partner feels that keeping his room intact as a shrine, stops you moving on. He may feel that it keeps you anchored in a past that no longer exists. What do you think ?

A course sounds exciting. I am sure it will be beneficial. Perhaps it will allow you to meet people you can relate to as well. It sounds like things are on the move for you...To be able to go with the flow, we must let go of whatever we're holding on to. Always scary but...

How is your Sunday so far ?

Simona · ‎26-03-2017

Thankfully there's not much of Sunday left. Had a really bad night. Partner didn't kiss me goodnight. He gives me a goodnight kiss every night. So something was wrong. I said where is my kiss? He said he hasn't kissed me goodnight for years. He lied. He gave me a goodnight kiss just the other night. I remember because he fed his moustache into my mouth. He ignored me. I got very angry at 1am and punched his pillow. I did not connect with his head. I was venting safely. His pillow is big. I said I'm going for a drive to blow off some steam. I can't sleep with the enemy. He got out of bed quick and hid the car keys. Told me if I leave the house he's calling the police out on me. I think that was at 2am. 3am and we were both in the living room. I asked him to please come back to bed but he said no way he's not sleeping. I said if he won't sleep I won't sleep because I didn't want to be alone in bed. It was a long night. He gave the car keys back at 2pm today so I went for a drive.

Simona · ‎26-03-2017

1 antipsychotic down. I made a bloody oath not to sick it up.

Simona · ‎27-03-2017

So I kept it down last night. I was very restless all night kicking the doona. And getting really overheated. Fell asleep out of exhaustion and had tripped out psychotic dreams. I asked my partner if he would like me re admitted last night. He said no I want you home with us. I rang my mh clinician this morning and told her everything. She said just keep taking the antipsychotic and use grounding techniques. So on the verge of a psychotic episode. I can just feel it. I would rather go back into the mhu than wait for the break. She sad unless I'm thinking about self harming or thinking of hurting others I don't belong in the mhu. Well I sure as hell don't plan on anything I just snap. Jack Nicholson in the Shining. I so relate to that insanity.