In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[blondguy]

Hey Simona

I really feel for you on this and what you are going through...I see your point now....lack of support...sounds like you need it...

You do sound 'tired'....big time....How much sleep are you getting (or can you get) ?

Here for you Simona

Paul

[Guest_5218]

Hi Simona,

You are such an intelligent, sensitive and funny (in a totally good way) person.  

It pains me to hear and see you in this situation of seeming self turture.  I am sure God is not punishing you for your lack of manners or humility.  I have seen in your posts many instances of good manners and humility, so I think you are being very unfair to yourself in that regard.  And if you are occasionally a little sarcastic or insensitive to those around you, then perhaps they deserved it?  I am sure you would have had your reasons, because you are a really good person.  But you are obviously having a really tough time at present.

I wish I could transport you to a peaceful hide-away in the hills where you could find your inner peace and tranquility.  Can you imagine to yourself that you are there perhaps?  Rather than under that mound of clothes where you are currently hiding yourself away.

I am unable to make out your new profile photo.  Can you describe it for me?  Perhaps there is one of those funny little stories that you are so expert at telling that is associated  with it.  I would love to hear it, if there is.

I am thinking of changing my profile photo to a new one.  Maybe a new photo of my little Holly, or maybe one of my previous dogs.  Not sure yet, I will give it some more thought.

I am thinking of you Simona - remember that you are a LEGEND ..............  You can do anything.

With love,

Sherie xx

[Graceeeeee]

Hey my dear Simona!

We will always be here to love and support you, you said you feel like you're not designed for this world, but I feel like you're such a special and beautiful being and I hope that you'll see it one day, truly. I want to surround you with love, because that's what you deserve, love 🙂 And I hope you can slowly get better in your own space with your iPod, that sounds really soothing. My love and thoughts will always be there with you, I'm thinking about you.

Sending you so much love and big big hugs 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx

[Simona]

I have been upset internally again.  I spent last night on the lounge suite with knees tucked tight into my chest trying to keep myself pulled in together.    This is not fair. If they could all see what  I endure/listen to they would know why I am the way I am.   Now I will bow my head in admittance and say that I am aware i have emotional issues of my own but it's not just me ok.   I'm just doing the best that i can under very trying circumstances.

Paul: I don't know about my sleep. I do come and go through the night as I always have checking on the children. If I look up at the clock it usually says 3am but sometimes I stand in the hallway and I watch the sunrise. I don't think of anything.      Support.  That's a tricky word.   I don't feel like I'm being understood.  My 17 year old knows my truth and he will be my voice. I trust him the most.   The rest I'm suss about.  If I get a gut feeling it's called intuition.  Thank-you for caring about me.   It's not just me - please know that.    I keep saying the truth will eventually come out in the wash and the birds will come home to roost.

Sherie:   Thank-you for your kind words also.  It's a broken sun bleached doll's hand.   I came across it in the bush across the road. I identify with it.   I'm trying not to feel the paranoia but more so I feel victimized lately or misunderstood.   I would love to tell more funny stories again.   But some are funny but in dark way so i can't post about them.  They are like dark comedies.  I will try to get in a better head space first so i can think clearly.

Lately things are odd.  I smell and taste differently. I go into my favourite most special cafe and it smells rotten and i don't understand how people can just sit there and not look around for the source of the smell.  The coffee i make at home now tastes rancid now and then and i worry if I'm making it wrong.  This is a very peculiar start to 2016.    This is meant to be MY year.   Like i really imagine myself in the SES but oh boy.  It's not that simple now.  

Grace   : )  Thank-you so much for your love and support.   For thinking of me   : )  I'm hearing you.

[Graceeeeee]

Hey my dear Simona!

I want to hug you and ease away all your pain. But I know I can't, and in the mean time I know there's a day that you will look back at this and say, hey, I can't believe I'm not there anymore, and I can't believe how good life is. I know there will be a day like that my dear friend, and even if you can't feel it, I know that day by day you are slowly making the progress. I know your pain, I feel your pain, I have scars that are still there, and even if they remain, it's fine, I know that I will see them, feel them, and know what a beautiful person the scars have made me. I have been low, down low, way down that there was no way downer, and I've seen pain, I've felt pain, and I once thought that I was never going to climb higher. But then when I see people on here, I see love, I see the pain they've gone through and I see strength, these people, like us, are survivors, and you and I and them, still has love, and I know what success is when I've been through all these pain, and I still have love in the end: love for this world, love for others around me, love for you, and love for myself. And I see the potential in you, the love in you, what a beautiful beautiful soul you have, and I know you will heal, you will keep standing, and you will keep loving.

What a beautiful human you are my Simona, I want you to see that too 🙂 My love and thoughts will always be with you ❤️ Thinking of you 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx

[Bluey_moon]

Sending you love Simona xo

[Simona]

Thank you Bluey : )       Thing is, I'm over talking about it to THEM because it seems so pointless.   I think at this point I have zero credibility left and should just draw the 'Insane' card from the pack and let them put me where they may. In any case being put into a room will not be too far removed from that room down the hall that I hide in anyway.      I feel my 10 year old's up and down behaviour triggering me.   But who is triggering who first - THAT is the million dollar question put forth by the mental health people.

For how many years now I asked and asked for partner to back me up and come to appointments. So he could give them his take on things and support us - his family. But always too busy with his business and keeping clients happy.   Our son and I always took 2nd place up until now that i swing/in/out of psychosis. Now he talks - all about ME in FRONT OF ME to people on phone  : /

I am at the point of either leaving my family and letting the chips fall where they may.  I don't care how they see me now because i feel defeated. For over 10 years  not only have I struggled with my own mood swings but also that of my son's.  I want that to be on record.   

This thread well exceeded 60 posts now and i need to stop.  I didn't mean for this thread to become a short story. My pain, my moods...this is my life.  But not an emergency.  Because i don't particularly feel suicidal and if it happens there's a fair chance  i won't even be self aware at the time.  Because that's how it is sometimes being a spontaneous fun person.

I have all your love, your well wishes and kind concerns.  know all the hotline numbers. Phone numbers.  Thing is; i struggle at communicating with people who have already written me off as the one needing help.  If they want to help me - then for the love of God help my son !!!  Now i have a psychologist who most recently asked if someone had hurt me in the past.   This is not helping me nor is it relevant to my current living hell.  It makes me unable to talk and makes my eyes bulge.

[Simona]

Ok

Just need to make an editorial correction to my prior post.    What I WAS meant to say is:   "For over 10 years I have struggled with my mood swings, 6 of which including my son's".   That is the correct maths.

Thank-you

[Graceeeeee]

Hey Simona!

How are you doing today my dear friend? My love and thoughts have always been and will always be here with you 🙂 ❤️

Be gentle with yourself! Take care ❤️

With Love,

Grace xx

[Simona]

Hello Grace : ) I did try and post a reply earlier but the internet is dipping out again and I'm unsure if it went through.  I'm being gentle with myself I just don't like feeling like this.   8pm comes along and I feel I'm in some altered reality.  Partner knows and said he can see it and tries to romance me.  I get really paranoid and depressed and want to come here but i know i best not.  Because sometimes i get paranoid from this place even an di start thinking everyone is communicating behind the scenes and discussing me. Or my post fails to post and i think ok. I'm being disabled from posting here/theres a vendetta against me.  But sometimes the paranoia is not about anything particular when it comes. It's just paranoia. And I'm unaware I'm getting panicky except for my partner saying  chill out or it's ok.  Because i walk fast.  And he tries to relax me with foot massage.  Yeah that's nice it makes me sleepy. I can handle foot massage  : )

Last time i felt this bad was when i was put on this potent pain relief pill.  I'm not allowed to name it but it's very strong. 

: )   3/10

Ps:  I'm not paranoid about God anymore.  I donated this week to my fave op shop so i feel better.  I will get better i want to be my normal self so much