In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

[Simona]

Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

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[blondguy]

Hey Simona....

I just read that you "just want one normal day"...That broke my heart....

But..you cracked me up with your chooks icing and now Bandicoot pulling the rickety old lemonade cart...You are a legend Simona...You make me laugh....big time 🙂 And thankyou x

Just a couple of good thoughts that I have learned...at University in the late 14th Century 🙂

* There is no such word as 'normal'..when it comes to people....never met one...

* With your 'crackerjack' sense of humour (love it) I am surprised and sad that you said you have no friends...

* I think I have one...maybe two....it bugs me now and again...

* Your ability to converse (even just on here) is fine Simona

* Please keep the humour coming....we want more!

The big bear in my pic is Harley 2 Sox....Alaskan Malamute....circa 60kilo...they dont bark..they just talk..Woof!

My neighbours are good but I should go and turn off my daggy 80's music before the police say 'hi' to me...;-)

You are a Legend Simona.....and yes people will help you...

Nite (says me at 2:50am)

Paul

[Graceeeeee]

Morning Paul!

Such a lovely reply, you are an inspiration and legend too 🙂

Simona! My love and thoughts are still and will always be with you, and I agree with Paul, I lovee your sense of humour :3 Hope your day is ok today! As usual, don't hesitate to us anything on your mind!

With so much love to you,

Grace xx

[Bluey_moon]

Hey Simona, 

we all love you!!!!

[Simona]

: )     thank-you so much my friends

I'm having an ok day.   I'm feeling strange from that 1 tablet still but no dark thoughts. I just get panicky now and then. Partner has been really nice and helpful but he's still playing that loud game.  I catch him looking at me frequently and ask what's wrong.

What is wrong for me is that people don't understand the things I say sometimes and I get really frustrated and my hands curl up into a fist. Because it makes sense to me.

For wanting friends...aha it's never been easy to get one. One of my favourite movies is Drop Dead Fred.   I can do Fred's humour pretty well. I think I just about mastered it but I don't make a mess or anything.  I just do silly pretend stuff that makes her laugh and laugh like pull a little birdie out of her ear or steal her nose and put it in my pocket

Today is a splendid day and now when I have doubts about my state of mind I just say to myself I AM LEGEND  : )

[Simona]

The feeling goes like this:    I feel like there is something going on.  So I ask my partner what is going on. He says nothing.   But I know something is going on because I detect it.  I ask again. I forget having asked earlier so I want to make sure.  What's going on?   and then I get confused.  And then someone who i  think is my partner said 'You tell me. What's going on?'.   I'm not sure.  I have been feeling like this for days.  I feel like there is something going on.  But I can't identify what.

Can anyone relate to this.  I had a hiccup in the shower and then it started because partner stands and looks at me.   

[Graceeeeee]

Hey Simona!

Yes my dear friend, so happy you realised that you are a legend! Because you truly truly are 🙂 You are such a fascinating person, and I hope you realised that too, you are strong and beautiful and at the same time very funny, your stories and cool imagination crack me up, hope you appreciate yourself like that too ❤️

It's good to hear that your partner has been supportive, but I understand how disturbing gun noises can be, even if they're in a game, could you try to tell him to stop? I'm sure he'll understand 🙂

I will always love you and care about you, my love and thoughts are with you my dear friend, good to hear that you had a splendid day, my day was too! Enjoy the rest of the evening 🙂

With Love,

Grace xx

[Bluey_moon]

Glad you had a splendid day Simona! You are a legend! 

[blondguy]

Hey Simona

I think anyone would feel a bit weird with their partner just standing there and staring at them....I would

Good to see that humour back too! I AM LEGEND......love that one....

Always great to hear from you Simona

Paul

Woof!

[Simona]

So maybe there is something wrong with him then.  This past week it's like they are all trying to do my head in when I'm already not feeling well as it is.   And I get angry with partner when he uses this tone now and then. He said yesterday:   LOOK AT ME. FOR THE  1ST, 2ND AND FINAL TIME:  I FEED THE CHOOKS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

I will try to explain.

Things have been really weird lately.   Imagine for example you are at point A and you need to get to point E.  Well I seemingly get lost trying to get the E.   Or I get to the E but I forget why I'm there in the first place which feels terrifying.   So I stand there and try to THINK.    Which point was I at before I got to the E?      Was it A, B, C or D?   When I have it worked out I have to act fast and not get bailed up en route by someone asking me a question.    Because that's like sliding a hurdle in front of me.

And simple things become a struggle like turning the tap off the right way.  The switches, the dials.  All backwards like my writing. Because sometimes I'm typing or scribbling down a V.I.P message and I write it backwards or scrambled.

My son (17) is a stabilizer.   As is my little girl.    My little dog sometimes. But when I get the paranoia I can't stand her looking at me so I put her outside.   Because i think she can see it. I want to say thank-you to each and every one of you .  I don't know myself.  Lately  I feel everything is different. Like I'm here but not really.   If I don't communicate it's because I can't or am struggling to make sense to myself.  Usually it's not this bad or as long.   

[Simona]

so I'm sitting here crying in the semi dark because I'm mourning myself.   I have been crying on/off for over a week now when not laughing to myself. So so sad  : (     I don't want to move and I can't eat much if at all because everything is tasteless and vile to me.   I hide in my bedroom when i can and bury my head under my mound of clothes to block out noise and life because it's killing me.  And then partner digs me up because he wants to help.  Now another week and i had a lot of self loathing today for the miserable concussed creature i have become.  I think i got the melancholia so badly. And i think maybe this is called karma and God is giving me a 'touch-up' to teach me some manners and humility.   For all the times i have been a sarcastic insensitive loud mouth.  If I'm not staring into space (i time out like the wireless router) I'm typing away like Jack Nicholson in the Shining like now. Except i am bereft with my own suffering and my nose is running everywhere and yes  i have been wiping it on my sleeve.  just want this pain to STOP. God grant me peace and my own hide-away amongst the hills somewhere.  Just for me and a cacti.   Because i have enough company in my head right now  and i 'm no good with people anyway.

I feel like i was not designed for this world.