I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

Thank you for what you said dear friend. ..it almost made me 😢.

Oh my goodness Grandy, Zac is an adorable little man...he has absolutely no fear. Iszy is still struggling, still scared of him. My poor sweetheart. I was almost in tears today I was stressing so much. It's selfish but I miss my Iszy.She is still cuddling me and giving me headbumps. She still loves going outside. I opened all the doors yestetdsay and thid morning. There were a few 'stand offs' so I have and wi'll keep them separated from now on. I feel guilty when I'm with her and not Zac....and vice versa... We will all get there soon I hope..

I'm still feeling pretty good thanks Grandy. ..feel guilty for saying so... We're in the 3rd stage now of the trial. .I've been offered treatment once a month for 6 months ( treatment last week was the first of 6). I'm truly grateful for this. I do now have to pay my way getting there and back so I bus it in and cab it back home to reduce the cost. It evens out given I'm not paying for the medication.

I found out yesterday I got the job I had the interview for. I'm so pleased and relieved. I start mid April. The organisation has great reputation in aged care, so I truly was hoping to get it.

I hope you are doing better than ok ( pinching your line there ) beautiful lady. You are in my thoughts often. Hope you have been able to sleep.

Sending you caring comforting thoughts and hugs dear friend

Love Lee 💓

[Tess2]

Hi Lee

it sounds like things are going quite well for you, apart from the cats . Congratulations on the job.

the cats will adjust. It just takes time. A mature cat could find a bouncy kitten quite annoying , let alone taking your time and jealousy, but she is still cuddling you and head bumping, so she is not too put out. Try not to be too anxious as Izy make react to that too.

I am pleased that life is going well at the moment.

tess

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Tess,

Thank you so much for your kind words.

The kitties are slowly getting better..... !

How are you going dear friend? I'm going to have a coffee....want one?

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee..

Im super excited for you that you got the job...I know how much you want to go into a nursing home....You’ll do really well and the residents will be very lucky to have you care for them...

Awe gee..I hope your furs babies. start to accept each other..I am pleased to hear that it’s getting slowly better, I think once Izsy realises that Zac will be staying..she will be okay...poor little Izsy...I read that if an adult cat hasn’t interacted with a little kitten..they are unsure what to do and are frightened of them..but usually the adult cat accepts the new kitty....Fingers..and heart are crossed they become friends soon 💜..

Sweety..please don’t ever feel guilty for feeling pretty good...please try as hard as you can to be happy about feeling pretty good....You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else..so please Lovely Lee embrace the good feelings and enjoy them as best you can...That would make me so happy if you did embrace the goods...

I hope your having a really good weekend dear friend....

Sending you some love 💜 and caring hugs 🤗🤗.

Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee..

Im just calling in to ask you RUOK?..

Youve been very quiet and I’m concerned about you..no pressure at all only when you feel up to it..

How is your two gorgeous fur buddies get along...

i hope so much that they are settling in together..

sending you my love and hugs dear friend..💜🤗.

Grandy

[Tess2]

Yes lee, what Grandy said. I have been thinking about you and hope things are still good and those kitty’s are settling in to each other.

Tess

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy and Tess,

Sorry for late reply..... I've been feeling yucky..... am ok, not depressed - just sad and... empty. I'm eating sleeping and still kind of exercising. My furbabies are going ok.

Thank you both for always being here for me. It means alot to me, truly.

Love Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear lovely Lee,

Thank you so much for your reply..I have been both concerned and missing you...I’m pleased you say your not down, I feel being sad and empty is in its own way also is being down..

I can understand so well the sad and empty feeling..and I’m really sorry that your feeling these emotions....I wish I could say something to help you feel better..🧡

Im pleased to hear that your little fur family is getting along okay....Do you take them both outside on a harness..I could imagine little Zac exploring the outside world and would love playing with the little leaves, flowers, 🐞 🐛 🐜 and 🦎 etc....

It’s good to hear that your still eating, sleeping and kind of exercising, I’m proud of you for doing that because I know it’s very hard to at times....

I wish so much that I could be their for you, I would give you a long comforting hug, and let you cry as much as you need to on my shoulder sweetheart until your pain has eased..It’s so very hard on our own, and needing as I am...and I think you are, a real hug of someone that cares about us....I care for you and can only give virtual 🤗 hugs..but they really are from my heart..given with love, care and comfort....

Please dearest Lee, never be sorry about a late reply...as long as I/we know your okay is nice to know and as much as you might not understand it comforts me to know you are okay......Much love to you dear Lee..

sending you love and hugs dear Lee, Tess and all..💜💜🤗🤗🤗..

Grandy👼..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

Thank you for your beautiful words my dear friend. What you say is always very touching and comforting, I thank you.

Feeling empty and lonely is so soul destroying isn't it? It goes to the core of who I am. I'm not sure it will ever leave me. I can't help but feel so worthless, so ashamed of who I am, I feel so much a loser and a pathetic excuse of a human being - not that I feel human. .... I'm so empty. ...

I do keep going. It is what it is. Iszy and Zac keep me entertained. Seriously, it's like the cartoon Tom and Jerry except cat and kitten. They both antagonise one another. Iszy has gone from being petrified to cautiously displaying dominance to couldn't care less but with a bit of bullying in between. Zac just wants to play, sleep and disobey mum. Thankfully Iszy still remains affectionate towards me (she doesn't hate me 😄🤗). It took her a week but she's back to giving me morning and night time cuddles. My baby girl is back. I love them both so so much. They are my everything.

Thank you for your virtual hug Grandy. I wish I could give you a real hug too....and to you too Tess, even if you're not a hugger. I am ok - I don't feel depressed just sad still.

Grandy. .and Tess.. I hope your day has been better than ok (steeling your words again lovely Grandy )

Please take good care

Thank you Grandy 🤗❤❤

Love and hugs

Lee

[Ggrand]

Dearest Lee,

I want to talk to you about your words about you..Your so hard on yourself beautiful friend...it hurts to hear you talk so negative about you and being so hard on you......You took me by surprise...and saddened me a lot..but I’m okay lovely lady..I have never met you, more likely never will...We talk to each other and learn about each other that way...it’s a kind of deep soul friendship we form..and it continues to grow by us caring each other as best we can....

I have grown to love you by your words, which come from no where else except your heart and soul...I have learnt that you are a very valuable person, you do a job that a lot of people can’t do..you care for the frail and elderly, you give daily a piece of you heart and soul to those you care for that really do find you a very worthwhile person in their lives...

Oh no sweet Lee, don’t ever be ashamed of who you are, nor feel like a looser or a ..(I’m sorry I cannot repeat the next words you spoke, 😢..)..oh my goodness lovely lady, how many people have you helped here..a lot, you have helped me so much, more then you’ll ever know.. Your a beautiful caring human being who I am so very proud and lucky to be able to call you my friend....I so much wish with all my heart and soul that you can see the gentle, compassionate, lovely, caring person you are with a beautiful heart.....love you Lee💖...Try very hard Lee to believe in you..

Iszy and Zac sound so adorable, I would be laughing that much watching their antics..I’m happy for you that your gorgeous princess still loves...and no doubt unconditionally, our fur babies never loose the love they have for us...because it’s unconditional and pure it’s what love really is..and I’m glad that your little prince is settling in..😁 oh how are your toes?..😁😁..has Zac found them yet?.😁🤗..

Im sorry if I said any wrong to you Lee, it’s just that I care so much for you and want you to see what I see in you...

Sending you love and such big squishy hugs 💜💜🤗..That goes right through and warms your heart and brings peace to your soul dear friend....

Grandy..