I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee..

Please want to try Lee...no the meds alone are not enough...we need to have the want as well....it’s so important...Theirs plenty of things that make me want to help myself...Mostly it’s me wanting to prove to me that I have what it takes and that I can have a different sort of life then I have had...A life of some happy times...,We all want ourselves to be happy...we never want nor like ourselves being sad, sick, angry....I also have good days and I’m sad or down, but that’s all the more reason to fight for our happiness....I found out yesterday that life is just way to short to not want and not trybto help ourselves for our wellness as hard as we can.,.,.

Lee sweety...I feel although we can get sick and tired of trying different meds we have to....There a right one out their for you..you just haven’t found it yet...Tbh I would go through as many as their are available to try to get well...I went through a complete family* of ADs then my psychiatrist tried another family* and we found mine in their...Please don’t give up.....It’s us first our willpower, strength, belief, hope and that combination with the ADs I feel is what works for most.....

Your little kitties are giving you so much pleasure and totally adore and love you....Thats beautiful lee...

I hope you have a good weekend Lee...please talk here or mine anytime you feel to..even if it’s to let out some sads, frustration, angryness or something exciting you need to tell someone...We’re all here with our big ears 👂 and large eyes 👀 looking out to you...and of course holding your very delicate hand firmly and with love and care...

Love and hugs Lee and everyone..💜🤗.

Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Grandy,

Thank you dear friend. What you said makes complete sense. I've been ok yesterday and today. Hope it lasts. ...

I too hope that one day soon you will find that happiness you so deserve.

I do adore my furbabies Grandy, as I know you do yours. They are my world - such cuties and so loving.

Hope you've had a good weekend too. Thinking of you and hope you are ok? You too DB and Tess if you are all reading.

Always in my thoughts Grandy

Love Lee 🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello lovey lee..

Im sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to you...you have been in my thoughts quite often...

I hope your doing okay..you would be at work atm..I wanted to call in and see how your doing within yourself...

I hope that you will also find the happiness that you’re so deserving of...it’s out their..we can find it ..I know we can...we just gotta keep on trying...

Are you okay Lovely Lee? Not just asking I really want to know..

Please keep trying to help yourself..it’s really worth it...On the odd day that I have a good day...it’s a wonderful experience and I want those type of days to out number the down, sad days...I’ll keep trying to get more and more of them...as I hope so much sweetheart that are....just never give up....It’s do able....

Are you still going for walks along the beach...or is it to cold...I think it would be such a beautiful place to be in winter all rugged up..walking along the sand...listening to the waves...and feeding the sea gulls..although you would probably need to wear some armour..😁 They can gang up on people feeding them...Reminds me of Alfred Hitchcock’s the birds...good film...

I hope your better then okay and are looking after you the best you can...dear friend...

Love and big hugs..💜🤗..always here for you...

Grandy

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee...

I have been thinking of you a fair bit and wanted to ask you..RUOK.?..

Its been a while since you’ve visited here..it’s okay no pressure at all....

How are you and your two little fur buddies going sweetheart....

Love and hugs...🤗💖..wanting only the best for you...

Grandy

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee..

Its been a while since you last posted..I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how your getting on..as well as your fur family...RUOK?....

Would love to hear from you lovely friend...no pressure to reply sweety....

Good night Lovely Lee....sweet dreams...and deep sleeps...

Kind thoughts..and hugs...with love..💜🤗..

Grandy...