I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[Lee lee 73]

Hi ya therising,

Thanks so much for your hello and making a connection. Means alot to me.

You take care too !!

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee..

Im sorry Lee I haven't been around...I just got home from hospital today....I looked out for your other post but I think the internet gremlins got it.... I Want to thank you very much for your caring post...please believe me when I say I haven't forgotten or abandoned you..as you said we have only just met..and I would also love to be here for you as well...I'm holding your hand and walking beside you Lee..I hope that your journey gets easier for you...

Love and hugs...💜🤗..lovely Lee..

Grandy..👼.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello beautiful Grandy,

So so glad you are home, safe and in the comfort of home with your beautiful doggies. I bet they gave you lots of loving soppy kisses Grandy 😍. You have been in my thoughts.

Hope you were able to sleep well lastnight (as it will be Tuesday when this gets posted).

Oh my goodness - you have nothing to be sorry about lovely lady. You need to and should take time for yourself. You were in hospital Grandy. Please don't ever apologise - I truly get that there are days we just need to completely shut down. I do believe you when you say you would never abandon me, you would never abandon anyone lovely lady.

I'm hoping you were treated well in hospital . I will keep this message short as I know it would have been emotionally draining. Take your time transitioning settling back home and soak up all those doggie cuddles and kisses. Take good care beautiful lady.

.....Thank you for your loving post Grandy 💜❤ especially given your difficult time. I'm truly struggling my lovely - but it is what it is. I don't want to write much about me until you are ok 😍😘.

sending you big warm hugs Grandy 😍🤗🤗🤗⚘🌹🌻

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello lovely Lee,

Thank you for understanding, you are a very kind caring lady with a beautiful soul...

Please sweetheart, let me know how you are feeling, travelling and how your doing with your mental health, here after all this is your thread and I feel horrible that it seems to have reversed onto me, I'm really sorry Lee..so I can offer my support, hopefully and some insight that might be able to help you, I will be here for you...

I will be okay....I know that I have to change my mindset and I will try hard to do that...

Please if you feel like it, and you want to, you can write as much or as little about your struggles here and we will try so very hard to help you lovely lad..

Your Welcome to pop over to my thread ( only if you want to)'and if you feel to join in the conversation your more then welcome...and I'm sure a few of them will also pop back over here to yours and chat, support, and try to help you or just be your friend as well.....my thread name..."Alone...depressed..sad"..

Thinking of you today...

Love 💜 and big hugs 🤗...wishing you peace 🕊 and a better day today...

👼Grandy....

[Lee lee 73]

Good morning Grandy,

You are so beautiful, thank you.

I will write more after work . I soo don't want to face the world today , again.

Talk soon xx 😚

[Ggrand]

Good Night Lovely Leelee,

Im just calling in to wish you a really deep refreshing sleep with peaceful dreams...I hope your day went okay....but I hope tomorrow is a lot better then today was...a beautiful rose🌹 For a beautiful person...💜

Good Night Lovely Lee.. sending love and hugs...💜💜💜🤗🤗🤗🕊..

Grandy..🕊👼..

[Lee lee 73]

Good morning lovely Grandy,

How are you this morning, did you sleep well?

Sorry for not replying on mine yesterday. I don't want to scare you scare you off Grandy. It seems I try to open up to people on the outside when I do even just a little - I get brushed off....people need to be educated on 'what to say'.

My heart hurts Grandy,I'm so lonely and lost and so empty. I'm tired of keeping on going - tired of having to amuse my loser self. I know I'm not doing myself any favòurs- I don't want to take my meds because nothing seems to work. I don't want to eat, i don't see the point in feeding me. I hate waking up every morning. I have no motivation to put so called therapeutic strategies in place - it's so hard to do on b your own isn't it Grandy? I don't have any reason to. I don't know what keeps me going but I dò. Of course Iszy my cat is one. I asķ her to promise me she won't leave me - so n it wouldn't be fair if I ĺeft her. I have the first actual treatment of the clinical trial tomorrow afternoon. That keeps me going.

It's getting harder and harder to fake it when Im at work -getting tiring. I just want to stay home with Iszy all day every day.

These are just my thoughts Grandy, i don't expect you to address them.

I hope you have a gorgeous day Grandy. It's almost spring - are there many birds about yours?

Sending you warm and grateful hugs Grandy (grateful that you are my friend ) 😍😍🤗🤗❤🌻

Lee Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lovely Lee,

Please don't ever apologise to me about not writing or responding on your post..I fully understand the struggles we are facing daily, and I'll be here for you you as long as I can be..🌹🌹💜🕊..


The words you spoke made me cry, because they could have also been spoken by me, and it hurts to know that your also suffering overwhelming loneliness and depression..I truely am sorry deep in my soul for you and others who are experiencing these feelings..I don't think Nyone really knows how deep these emotions and feeling go into our soul unless they have lived alone with no friends to talk to or to give us a meaningful loving hug..

I try to distract my thoughts when ever I can by doing things like playing internet games, like jog saws, colouring in, wood games, but they only distract as long as your doing them...Do you have a library close by that you could join for some type of group, maybe there is a walking group on your area that you can join...I know you have probably heard all these before and my suggestions are very lame.

I wish there was something that I could say to you beautiful lady that could help you,I'm really sorry I don't have the right words for you....But Lee I do have belief that ever new day brings hope that something will change for me, and I believe that when it does I will have the faith and strength to change my life....

Please sweetheart, please don't ever loose hope, it's in us all, but when depression is playing around with or head, it gets lost, we have to look that little bit harder to find it, and when we do, believe in yourself that things will change...please be okay

I know it's not the same, but I'm sending you my love, and some big squishy hugs...oh I will bring out Huggly huggle hugs...she is only brought out for extremely special people who need lots of love shown to them....

I hope your day today is better then yesterday....if each day is better then the one before, eventually we will have a good day....

Love and hugs...💜🤗..
Grandy..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely,

How was your day? How are you feeling after your mhn visited?

Grandy, reading your post made me cry too- and for the same reason. Grandy, you write so beautifully, it's easy to see your words come from the heart. Everything you say is helpful Grandy 💜. and no...no, your suggestions for distractions are not lame at all. Sometimes what we need is to be 'reminded' to do things. So thank you.

Grandy, I also used to self medicate with alcohol to numb the pain - and drink alone. Things got worse before getting better too. I can't touch it now, I don't trust myself plus my mood was always 100% worse the next day.

I know I will be ok because I'm aware that i was so much worse in the first few yrs. Things are more manageble now. At the end of the day, I am able to function and (eventually) perform daily duties. Two years ago I changed careers and one year ago, I moved myself and Iszy from canberra to south east Queensland. Grandy, I knew in my heart of hearts I needed the warmer weather and to be by the beach. I had always wanted to live in Queensland. My Dr's here think the move contributes to my depression but I constantly reminded them, I am so much better.

On the flip side, in my mind all of the above can be done by anyone if they put their mind to it. But I can't make someone love me.

I hope you sleep well tonight Grandy. How have you been sleeping anyway ? I hope tomorrow is good day for you Grandy. I wish you were my neighbour, or teacher, or work colleague. ...even my aunty. Your words touch my heart Grandy ❤🌹⚘🌻💕💞. Spring is around the corner ....for you. 🐥🐤🕊🐦

Thank you for being you Grandy 🤗

Love Always

Lee

[Guest8901]

Dear Lee

We just met on our lovely mutual friend, Grandy's thread. So I thought I'd track your thread do and say hi to you here. I hope you dont mind?

I read that today is a big day for you, with the commencement of clinical trial this afternoon. I really hope it all goes well.

I am also very happy to here that you have Iszy. I love cats but have a fur allergy. I do have the most gorgeous little dog though. Her name is Charli, and I really dont know what I would do without her.

I too love the beach, and live about a half hour drive from our nearest. Similar to you, we (hubby and I) moved from the harsh climate of the Southern Tablelands to the mild climate of NSW North coast.

Anyway I will leave it at that for now, as I expect you will be getting ready for work or preparing for todays trial. I will call in again though, if you'll have me?

🐈 🐠🐋🐚🌴 ☀ 🌺💐

Amanda 💕