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I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent
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I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.
I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.
I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.
Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.
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Hello Lovely Lee, Amanda,
Im just calling in to wish you the very best of luck today sweetie..If you get frightened please try to remember to deep breathe nice and slowly, in 1-2-3-4-5-..out R-E_L-A-X....and I'll be with iyou in spirit holding your hand and giving you a gentle squeeze of encouragement when you need it.....
Here a lucky little mascot to keep with you today..🦉for luck, comfort and care...
on my thread the missing post was to thankyou for giving my day yesterday a little light..I pictured the cows with the geese walking around their legs really peaceful and it gave me a smile as how animals do get along really well.
Good luck today and will speak later today...
Love and hugs..💜🤗💜🤗.
Grandy.....xx🌹
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Hello Amanda,
How was your day? I hope there was some sunshine shining for you. I read your message this morning but have only just had the chance to respond now - sorry for the delay. And no, I don't mind at all - thank you so so much for taking the time to read my thread and post. Truly was heart warming Amanda, thank you. Charli sounds gorgeous - what breed is she? Animals are just beautiful aren't they. Iszy senses when I'm not sleeping at night and slowly sneaks up to snuggle on my shoulder 😊😻.
I look forward to getting to know you Amanda - if that is ok?
Take good care and even better self care. 🤗🤗😻🐕🌻❤💞.
.....thanks again Amanda
Lee
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Hello my lovely Grandy,
Thank you so so much once again for your gorgeous messsge. I did read it just before my treatment - I could sense you were with me Grandy.
I think I was feeling too low to feel anything Grandy - even though yhe treatment is oral liquid medication, really couldn't have cared what I was putting my body through - I have done much worse to me, myself.
Grandy, I asked the psychiatrist (welling up with tears ) if in his experience, has he ever dealt with patients whose suicidal thoughts, do go away. He stated, everyone is different with the right support, treatment and or medication - it does. Me being the pessimist, Ididn't believe it. Having said that, 40mins after receiving the treatment - I believed him.
Grandy, Amanda and anyone reading this - there is hope. I will admit, I was the last person I expected to say so - mainly because of my experience with mental health and the current treatment process. I will go into more detail another time .
I'm grateful to you Amanda and Grandy. You mean more to me than you may ever know Grandy 😊😚🤗🤗🤗🤗💖💜❤
Lee
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Lovely Grandy - I just posted a reply but think it needs approval so may not appear until tomorrow.
All is good though. Hope you are well my lovely.
🤗🤗🤗🤗😙😙
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Whàt does one do when even just waking up each morning is a trigger?
The suicidal thoughts are still there however I am able to successfully challenge the thoughts.
The sadness, the depression is still here. I love animals, but please black dog, can you please leave me alone......
Sometimes I wonder if it's a case of whether I'm not depressed. ...... just dying of loneliness......?????
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Hello lovely Lee lee,
Firstly I want to congratulate you on doing the new trial treatments yesterday.. Very well done...🎗 I'm really very proud of you for doing that..It sounds like theis medication may help. If it took away your feeling of not caring what you were taking, to feeling heaps better about yourself then to me it sounds like a goer....It's people like yourself that are willing to do these trial that cures are found..I have huge respect for you for doing that...
I asked my psychiatrist the same question..we'll sort of same...he said that it really depends on correct medication, a good psychologist and mostly on ourselves and our mindset...But sometimes Yes the thoughts can last a persons lifetime...but Sweetheart not me, nor you or others here, were going to win the battle of the beasty...it might take a long time, a lot of tears, but I know with the love and care of people here on BB. We will do it....I'm here walking next to you along your journey and my arms, ears, heart and soul are always open to you...Maybe it's not much, but I know it does help...2 times since I've been here, the kindness of the people here stopped me from going ahead with my thoughts....I owe BB and the people here more then I can ever repay them...
I love helping people so much. I found out I love people through a screen min real life it's harder, near impossible for me to even talk to someone let alone help them...I'm really happy talking to people here...it's my only source of communication through 6 days...
Lee. I hope your day is a good day today..and please remember that you are Lee lee, my friend a courageous woman who is doing trials for others..You are very cared for for here and loved by me and others..You are a very special person..you are someone special..
Love and comfy hugs....💜🤗🌹 and peace 🕊 lovely lady..
Grandy...xx
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Awwwwww Grandy - you always make me feel cared for - thank you. Know that it is returned ❤💜🌹. I feel the same about BB. You make a difference Grandy. I know you are very low but the fact you support me and others at the same time. ..is amazing - that would never happen on the outside world. Please know I'm here for you also day or night.
It's almost 12pm. I have finished work for the day as my client has cancelled so I'm going to the beach - my happy place. It is 26 degrees ☺.
You are in my thoughts Grandy. Please let me know how you are, your thoughts and feelings - when you feel up to it. ..and only then.
Hope you are having a better day.
Sending big bear hugs 🤗🤗🤗😘❤💜.
You are special 😊😍.
Lee
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Hello Lee lee,
Thank you Lee, I can feel the care you are giving me and it's comforting..
Talking to people here is my main distraction..While im here I mostly read a lot of threads and the help given by others to others also help me...If that makes sense..😆..
I hope that you really enjoy your afternoon at the beach...I love the beach and used to love walking along the waters edge collecting shells, pretty rocks ect, it's like walking excercise but not, because it's fun and definitely mindfullness...I hope you really enjoy yourself and find some peace this afternoon...
I have a cold day of 12 deg today with cold winds, blowing down from the mountains..brrrr. But I'm snuggled up under m 12.7 minute blanky..and am quite warm...I'm okay lovely Lee...please sweetheart .. please concerntrate on getting yourself well...
I think I'm going to have a little nap now for an hour I'm snuggly warm and don't feel to do much today....My little fur buddies are snoozing now..lol one is on my feet, the other in right on top of the lounge...lol my little family...🐶🐶..
I hope the rest of your day is good Lee, sending you some love 💚 and hugs 🤗...a huge bunch of Lavender and mint.💐🍃 flowers and a scented candle for if you have a bubble bath tonight you can do so by candlelight..
Grandy...xxx🕊.
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Dear Lee, thanks for the welcome. And might I say, you are lucky indeed to have our very own Grandy as a regular visitor and supporter.
Yes I have read your thread and am aware of the issues which bother you the most ... seemingly loneliness is perhaps the major one. Its hard isnt it? I am in many ways lonely too, even though I am married. But I do not have any friends, and have no family nearby, so I am fairly isolated. I gave up work earlier this year when I was going through a particularly difficult time personally which resulted in hospitalisation. Now, with my husband being seriously ill with a terminal illness, I am a full time carer. As a result I have become even more isolated than I was before. I have many outings for medical appointments, but seemingly very little else. Despite that I would not really say that I am lonely, as I am very much an introvert. But I definitely feel very alone at times. There is a big difference I think, between feeling lonely and feeling alone. Anyway, Beyondblue helps a lot in that respect, and I have 'met' many lovely people here. I often think how nice it would be to meet up with these people in real life. Although in RL, I would never have opened up about my life as I have done here on my thread, or through other's threads.
You asked if its okay to get to know me. Yes thats really nice of you to offer, and I would welcome that. You are very welcome to visit my Long Term Support thread "C-PTSD - Am I opening up a Pandora's Box?". I wouldnt suggest you read it all the way through, as it is now pretty long. Although if you want a bit of a summary, you could read a series of posts made to my thread from 11th May (Page 34 of my thread). That would bring you up to speed fairly well and a good background. But please do not feel obligated at all.
I really love your profile pic with the kitten, its gorgeous. Charli is a mixed breed 5kg mini fox terrier. Very finely built and short light hair, easy care and not much there to shed. The best little mate you could have. She always knows when I'm distressed and nestles in close.
The clinical trial sounds promising, I hope it proves to be helpful. Good on you for giving it a shot. How was the beach today? It was warm and sunny here, maybe low 20's, but got windy in the afternoon and cooled down quickly.
Are you doing anything for the weekend? I'm not .. just home doing usual nursing duties. At least weekends give respite from medical apts.
Amanda 🤗