I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

[Lee lee 73]

I know what I feel but struggle to find the words.

I've had clinical depression for 10yrs. Numerous suicide attempts and hospitalisations.

I think about suicide every single day. Can't remember a day where I haven't. Everyday I wish I was dead and to miraculously not wake up. My family are toxic, I've never had a loving relationship, never felt mutually cared for or loved, never been proposed to, never married, never had kids. As a woman i feel embarrassed and ashamed of this. Feel ostracized because of this and so struggle to have things in common to form strong female friendship. My only support network is my psychologist but after5yrs of therapy I'm done talking. Done sounding like a broken record.

Yes, I know I dwell on what I don't have but this has not always been the case. I triedd and tried and tried. I'm sick of hesrinf my own thoughts 24/7 year after year. I've had enough. No one really knows what it's like to live totally alone year after year. I can't help but dwell on this. It's not natural to not have been loved, it's not what being human is about, I'm not human. I'm a nobody.

[monkey_magic]

Hi Lee Lee 73 & welcome to BB,

Sometimes we don't get what we need from other human beings so I'm wondering if u have any pets or thought of getting any? They can be the best loving companions.

Even spending time around animals can bring a lot of comfort.

I think a lot of people don't like living inside their heads. In your case I think it would be essential you do things for distraction so the thoughts don't win.

Are you into exercise at all, or any other hobbies?

Is there anything on this earth u can think of that makes u happy? When I went through a depressing time I swam in the ocean repeatedly as a form of cleansing. It helped to centre me and clear unwanted thoughts. I walked a lot in that time as well.

Hope to hear back from you 🙂

[Lee lee 73]

Yes monkey magic - I do have a burmese cat she is my everything. I don't disclose this fact because, in all honesty, in my experience, to most people they are 'just animals' and don't realise their importance or their importance to me.

The beach is my happy place.

I'm 45yrs of age, distractions, hobbies, travelling, eating, decision making, 'treating myself 'to crap, watching tv programs - this all doesn’t cut it anymore. I'm sick of having to amuse my loser self. There's no acknowledgement comfort, mutual returned love etc in it. I just exist and as a nobody.

I do appreciate your response and comments. Xx

Lee

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee,

I have a psychiatrist appointment today, I hate going out other then a Tuesday, so he makes it on Thursday to get me out...He flys down from Sydney, I live in a tiny rural town..

My psych has been trying to get me to go into a mental health hostel for a while to learn to live, socialise, make decisions etc..Same, when I get back here, It's just me again...and thoughts, sadness etc...Im on BB a lot, it's where my friends are now...

I don't trust people so I stay inside my home as much as I can...Although another trick was I have to volunteer every Tuesday and report to my job supplier before I attend my job..or my benifets are taken away....mind you I'm not young..over 60 but still a few years until pension age...

I do try distraction when I'm really having unhealthy thoughts by coming here and talking to people on these forums...it helps me when I help others, and I have formed some really close friendships here..

I love the beach but am over 700 kilometres from it...once I think April. I wanted to go to the beach. So I put my dogs in the car and started driving...No clothes packed, just me and my dogs, I ended up at a beach near my brother and was put into hospital because I was having a breakdown...

My happy place is my front veranda, I have only a large acreage accross from me, I just sit there most mornings and afternoon, and just look at the mountains in the distance, clouds, birds etc...its peaceful, and since they moved the cows because of the drought, its reflects my loneliness....

i hope you have a good day, sweetheart, and things aren't to bad for you...remember that you are somebody, your Lee lee, your a special person and there's never going to be another you...

I have two little doggies, who I love with everything I have inside of me...many a time they kept me here..They need caring for and no one will Love or care for them as I do...

Sending you some love 💜 and big hugs 🤗 lovely lady.. and a beautiful Rose for your coffee table today...

👼Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

Hello to you, lovely lady.

How did your psych appointment go today? Grandy, you sound as lost hurt and lonely as I do - possibly way more . I'm so sorry you're struggling too. My heart goes out to you. Glad to hear you have your doggies. What is their breed and what are their names? I'm getting to the stage where I only trust and love animals tòo.

I work in aged care, i do in home care. Its funny how some things work out - depression lead me to volunteer in aged care which lead to a recent csreer change in the industry. I do like my job thankfully in a way, there's not much work atm so I struggle to do even 3hrs. As soon as I finish I'm in the comfort of home with my cat Iszy.

What does/did your volunteer work involve. ?

I had a draining day today as I had a psych and med assessment for 5hrs in preparation for a clinical trial for treatment for depression - nothing ventured nothing gained i guess.

My understanding mental health support or lack of it in rural areas is a major issue. That must make things zillion times harder .

Grandy, your words are so touching and moving ' thank you from my heart. You're a special person too. Be kind to yourself beautiful. Sleep well and do let me know how your appointment went.

take good care Grandy ❤💜🐶😻

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee lee,

I really hope your day has some light shining for you...

My Psychiatrist appointment went ok..it was mainly to get me started on new meds..I have been off the other ones for around 3 weeks..I haven't started new ones yet...I will soon, I'm not really in a hurry to start putting more chemicals into my body...

I do a volunteer day at a Vinnies store, It's in the smaller main town...and 30 kilometres from mine....I don't like going outside, and this is a requirement for Newstart and to report to my job provider before work...

I had payed work in a nursing home after I lost my shop..I worked in the kitchen, I lasted only 7 weeks, I was so saddened by the way the residents were treated and not looked after..I wasn't allowed to talk to them only deliver the meal tray then go....Thats not who I am....after 7 weeks, they found me in the kitchen pantry hiding because I was having a breakdown...They told me not really very nicely to not come back to work...I drove home that day and never went outside again unless it was absolutely necessary..

I admire anyone that works and cares for the elderly..You sound like a very caring and beautiful person...The elderly people you volunteer with are very lucky to have you taking care of them...

The lack of mental health support where I am is criminal, I now have to travel 160 kilometre round trip to see a psychologist, but I cannot do that...I'm to scared to...so I will go without counciling...

I really hope that your feeling better then yesterday, 5 hours would be terribly draining. I hope you got some good sleep last night sweetheart..and the clinical trials for depression, well done for taking part, you might be reason that many people will benifets from and their wellness improve...im so very proud of you for doing that...You said earlier you felt like a nobody....Oh no..no..way sweetheart..your a somebody, A beautiful caring person that is trying to help people like me, with new treatments for depression, your a special type of person, because not many would agree to do what your doing..so very well done and thank you very much for doing that for us....

Thank you very much for your kind words to me, they are so much appreciated..Please Lee you also be kind and gentle to yourself...Take some time out lovely lady for you today.

Sending you some caring love and some special friendship hugs..🤗🤗🤗..If you like them....

Grandy...🦋🌹💜🕊🌿

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Grandy,

You have been in my thoughts all day.

I get what you mean about meds. I now hate them too. They don't work how they should and I hate what they do to the rest of our body systems.

I bought us some flowers today.

(I say us because I can't give them to you 🙁) They are petite yellow daffodils. Hopefully just the thought of having them will cheer you up Grandy. It breaks my heart to hear how difficult things are and have been for you.

Sending you big warm returned hugs lovely lady 🤗🤗🤗😍🐕😻

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee,

Thank you very much for the beautiful flowers I really do love daffodils, they remind me of the sun..I put some in a vase next on my dining table..thank you so very much.....Im really sorry I haven't been here to say hello and talk to you, I hope your doing okay sweetheart, I still haven't started to take my new meds yet..I'm in hospital atm because I forgot to take some very important heart meds, and had a few glasses of wine, and it sent my heart into a frenzy..my mhn found me at mine Friday and called an ambulance been here since..I rarely drink wine, I don't really like it but I was trying to numb my hurting..

Once the meds got back in me my heart started regulating itself again and went back into normal beat and rhythm...I tried to walk out this morning..unsuccessfully I got caught....I hate so much hospitals, just nurses fussing over me....I dislike being fussed over so much...I think I'm stuck in here until I see the psychiatrist and or Doctor tomorrow..I know they are thinking I meant to forget my meds...

How have you been sweetheart,what have you been doing this week end..something that makes you happy I hope.... It's looks very cold outside here today..with a strong wind blowing...I heard that it's snowing only 50 kilometres from here...Please lovely Lee, Take really good care of yourself...as much care, compassion and love you give your elderly patients please sweetheart give yourself double...

I better go now, I think dinner comes around soon..and I've been told I have to shower this afternoon, so I'm going to do that now....

Thank you for your very caring big warm hug..I felt it and I felt cared for thank you...I'm sending you some new fresh squishy hugs 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗, to you with a little teddy 🐻 bear..that has a beautiful Lavender scent, to help you sleep tonight....

Big love and hugs with Kind and caring thoughts..

Grandy...

[Lee lee 73]

....hi Grandy,

It's me again. ...just wanted to say..please don't give up....I understand why you want to, but please don't. I have only just met you. I want to get to know you more, be your friend and be here for you.

(side note....I posted a reply to you around 7pm this evening and it's still not there yet at10.38pm. Is it normal for it to take so long? ???)

[Lee lee 73]

Hello Dools,

I hope you will forgive me for being short previously.

I'm so confused and lost Dools. I don't know what I want, what to do who to turn to or if I deserve to be listened to. In all honesty, I'm fed up with everything and because of this I know I don't deserve to be helped but I'm just so lost helpless. I wish I didn't feel anything ' i wouldn't be writing this if I didn't. I asked my psychologist if she could teach how not to be loved and because she couldn't I don't see any point in talking to her. I believe this is the only way I can go on living.

You're right on the mark dools - all i ever wanted was acknowledgement. I do yry yo ho out but it makes everything worse - all i can see is what I DON'T have. I just exist. 😢

[therising]

Hi Lee lee 73

As a kid of the 70s, you would acknowledge how much life has changed over the years. Myself, I just scraped in being born bang on 1970. The reason I bring up the 70s thing is because it was such a sensory experience back then, with the LP records, drive-ins, running through the sprinkler in summer, etc. Not as much around these days to feed the kid in us, hey? We do need the sensory connections in order to make sense of life, otherwise life becomes a little senseless. By the way, cats are such sensational beings in regard to the feel, smell, sound and sight of them.

I understand the challenge of making connections with people, as I'm not much of a people person myself. It's a quality not quantity thing regarding friends. The best connections are definitely the ones which involve us being able to bring out the best in people and vice versa (they can be few and far between). A connection that brings out the light in someone is something special. In your correspondence throughout here, you have definitely brought out the best in people, those that feel a connection to you. Even if you can't see your value and light, others can.

Just a brief 'Hey there!' Lee lee, making a connection.

Take care of yourself