I think my 30 year marriage is over

[tim55]

Hi every body,

This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens.

I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography, by my 18 year old daughter. That was about 4 months ago. Many would say I was addicted, I'm still not sure if that is right or not. Since then I have done pretty well dealing with that side of the problem. Through some counselling, reconnecting with my faith and involvement with a 12 step program, I am "sober" since discovery. I have lied and deceived even after discovery trying to minimise what I had done. The full truth all came out about 2 weeks ago.

My wife and I have been on a roller coaster about what will happen with our marriage. At the moment it looks as though our marriage will end. I am currently living out of the family home and pretty well every interaction I have with my wife upsets her peace. I don't think she is on the road to any healing; that is now just about out of my hands. Any suggestion I make is rejected vehemently.

Its now becoming clear that I will not be spending Christmas with my family. Having me in the house is just the catalyst for my wife's pain and hurt, leading to anger that just spills over our adult children. So I expect to stay away.

I have no family where I am living, although, I have cut myself off from them. My father was a verbally abusive man who introduced me to pornography. I have some support through a church, however, he will be out of the city from tomorrow and has a family of his own to care for. So I am staring at the likelihood of being alone for Christmas. One of the characteristics of an addict is pushing people away and I have done that, with no real friends at all.

There are some things I know I can do. I will be attending Church on Christmas Day, possibly with the family, but I'm not expecting that. I guess I am looking for suggestions about dealing with a weeks worth of days by myself as work will shut it's doors. I will be tackling my addictive issues separately with my counsellor. I'm looking for some general suggestions.

Thanks

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Tim,

Welcome, and I wanted to say I'm sorry for the painful situation you are in, around Christmas time too.

Dealing with an addiction as well as a major relationship crisis is very difficult. I saw that you questioned yourself about whether you're addicted, and though perhaps one way to figure that out is if you feel that the pull to go back to old habits is still enormous at times, then it probably does mean it was an addiction for you - which is just another way of saying you used that behaviour to medicate some painful feelings that you find hard to express or maybe even properly feel. If you can think of it as `fixing pain' then one way to cope while you are alone is look for some other ways to do that, which isn't harmful to yourself or others. The classic advice is to do more excercise, but everyone is different.

Something else worth mentioning is that if it were a problem with alcohol or most kinds of addictions, it would be realistic to taper off rather than stop altogether. That may be why you continued to re-engage in the behaviour after it was discovered.... it was perhaps your main source of relief from your feelings, and you were not yet able to face them yet.

So in answer to your main question, `what should you be doing'? I think you should be facing the feelings behind your addiction. It will feel like a fog lifting off from you, kind of like coming out of denial. They might be painful feelings, You may have been feeling lonely, and disconnected from your spouse. Deception can do that in itself, and perhaps there were other reasons that happened slowly over the years, due to each of you not expressing feelings.

Do not give up hope on your marriage. I don't know if your wife will be able to forgive you, but I do believe the best place you can be when you attempt to reconcile is to really know your feelings and why you were addicted to a behaviour. And then be willing to share those feelings with her. If the connection between you has become weakened over time, then tell her that you want to repair that connection together (if you do), and all the things that made you love her and feel connected over the years.

When the trust is so compromised as it is in this situation, then all you really have to work at is improving your intimacy and connection. I really hope both of you can get to that place.

[tim55]

Hi Tony WK,

Thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated.

I will have a read of the posts you have indicated. The idea of camping is a great one. Unfortunately I am not at all set up for camping, aside from some sleeping bags I have no equipment and I have limited funds. However, I have been playing with the idea of at least heading off to the beach for a day rather than sitting around and moping.

I am having trouble not beating myself up. I have had more than one chance with my wife and my vile choices. I fear I have pushed her beyond human ability to ever trust me again. I certainly cannot control what my wife and my family are thinking and feeling. I guess I just want to try and give them something that will help. For example, I am greatly concerned for her health and well being. I have traumatised her. There is a view around this type of situation that what she has experienced is very much like a PTSD (post infidelity stress disorder) they call it. I want to see her be cared for and treated. Those sort of traumas untreated are very destructive.

Please, I am not disregarding your words at all. They are wise, I will work through them.

Tim

[tim55]

Thanks for your kind words bindi,

This is largely of all of my own doing. I am exploring where my "addiction" came from. There is certainly some classic precursors in my life. I have a verbally abusive father who introduced me to pornography. I had a sexually abusive encounter when I was a young boy. But one of the reasons I question addiction is that I seem to have dealt with it seemingly easily. There have been events where I can look back and say I may have been medicating by using pornography and even now using other things. I used to exercise a great deal and should go back to it.

I'd like to think I've done a fair bit of self exploration over the last 4 months. I've sort of had it out with my father who is not willing to acknowledge his part in my life. I have felt the fog lifting and talked with my wife about all of these things.

My concern now is that my wife is just willing to give me another chance. I am going to have to be patient and wait and see if that will change.

[Birdy77]

Hi Tim 😊

I've been reading your thread, but not posting only because i havent felt that i have anything of use to offer you and you have some great support and advice going here.

But i do really feel for your situation.

I like a lot of what has been said on your thread, and i particularly like what Tony said recently that you've beaten yourself up enough, and tjat we'llhave many xmases in our lifetimes, a couple of awful ones aint too bad. (I kinda needed to hear that today ...).

I just wanted to also add that if you find yourself at a loose end on xmas day, it sounds like there will be a few people in the same boat on the forums and I'm not sure if you've checked out the more lighthearted areas of the lounge/cafe whatever, but it sounds like if you did find yourself feeling lonely and felt like joining in with some people who kinda understand, you could pour yourself a beverage and sit and chat with others in a similar boat on the forum on xmas day.

Many caring thoughts,

🌻 birdy

[bindi-QLD]

Hi Tim, I'm sorry if I covered a lot of stuff you already know then, its not nice being told stuff you already know. I just wasn't sure where you were at, sorry.

You sound like you've come along really well in terms of self awareness and communicating with your wife. I see what you mean now, that you feel your wife would need to do some healing of her own to meet you where you're at.

This has probably come as a huge blow to her self worth as well as raised a lot of fear within her. I wouldn't be surprised if she goes through a process with dealing with that.

Do you think she is the kind of person who would be open to couple's counselling, when the time is right?

[tim55]

Hi Birdy,

Thanks for your kind words. I will be working on the not beating myself up, but I have caused a great deal of devastation to those I love and were supposed to protected. That takes a fair bit of work That is not to say I am not trying!

One of the reasons I have come here is looking for some support heading into this period and thanks to all those who have said hello and offered such support.

If I am around on Christmas Day I will look in and say hello.

[tim55]

Hi bindi,

I apologise if I come across as a little narky. That was not my intent. My story is still evolving in this thread.

This has been a huge blow to her, turning her life on its head. We have been on a roller coaster ride. As early as October we were thinking that the marriage would be renewed. Then something happened and the fears and the lack of trust of me came back, understandably. I'm not sure what is going to happen as she sees everything I have done as a direct rejection of her. She won't accept what has happened is more likely to be all my fault and chasing a chemical high rather than rejecting her. I find that frustrating, I can't explain to her what was happening, but at the moment, she has her interpretation that is very different to what I think was happening.

I have suggested some counselling with my current psychologist who also does couples counselling. That has not gone well. Perhaps in time, but not right now.

[geoff]

hi Tim, there has been some good chatter here regarding your situation, food for thought.
Don't you just wish that we could click our fingers and everything would be back to normal, I certainly do, however it won't, we still have to work at it, it's a 24/7 job,sure there are times for a reprieve but we can't let our guard drop, because that's when we forget about what we are supposed to be doing.
You know it still happens to me and I live alone, but I have 2 sons who need me, a close friend which has only developed over the last 18 months, maybe longer, I wish it was longer who I speak to regularly on the phone, well actually we need each other, so it's good to talk about our own issues.
What you don't need is to be reminded or looked at when a situation may occur, this will only make it much worse for you.
It's great that you have kept this conversation going, I know it's not easy, but I hope we can be of some help. Geoff.

[blondguy]

Hello Tim55

There is a wealth of wisdom and life experience from people above. I will keep my post brief to avoid repetition

Firstly if I can say you are more than welcome anywhere on the forums if you choose to of course.

As you have seen the forums are a judgemental free & safe place to post.

I feel your pain as I have had relationships fall apart too. Mostly as the girls I meet dont want a guy with depression or left over anxiety scars.

I have read your entire thread Tim55 and TonyWK mentioned about giving Christmas a miss this year. Birdy and Croix have also mentioned that there will be people like yourself on the forums this Christmas if you need us

Can I ask you if you would be reasonably content spending Christmas solo this year? As in taking some time off for yourself?...(a vacation from what you have been going through)........Just a thought

You are a very strong person Tim. I know that you are not alone here in any way

My Kind thoughts for you in this difficult time

Paul

[blondguy]

Thankyou New Dawn for posting. Its good news that you back to being happy

Paul