I think my 30 year marriage is over

[tim55]

Hi every body,

This is my first post and I'm not sure if this is the right place for what is going on. I guess I'll just put up my story and see what happens.

I was discovered betraying my wife of 30 plus years through the use of internet pornography, by my 18 year old daughter. That was about 4 months ago. Many would say I was addicted, I'm still not sure if that is right or not. Since then I have done pretty well dealing with that side of the problem. Through some counselling, reconnecting with my faith and involvement with a 12 step program, I am "sober" since discovery. I have lied and deceived even after discovery trying to minimise what I had done. The full truth all came out about 2 weeks ago.

My wife and I have been on a roller coaster about what will happen with our marriage. At the moment it looks as though our marriage will end. I am currently living out of the family home and pretty well every interaction I have with my wife upsets her peace. I don't think she is on the road to any healing; that is now just about out of my hands. Any suggestion I make is rejected vehemently.

Its now becoming clear that I will not be spending Christmas with my family. Having me in the house is just the catalyst for my wife's pain and hurt, leading to anger that just spills over our adult children. So I expect to stay away.

I have no family where I am living, although, I have cut myself off from them. My father was a verbally abusive man who introduced me to pornography. I have some support through a church, however, he will be out of the city from tomorrow and has a family of his own to care for. So I am staring at the likelihood of being alone for Christmas. One of the characteristics of an addict is pushing people away and I have done that, with no real friends at all.

There are some things I know I can do. I will be attending Church on Christmas Day, possibly with the family, but I'm not expecting that. I guess I am looking for suggestions about dealing with a weeks worth of days by myself as work will shut it's doors. I will be tackling my addictive issues separately with my counsellor. I'm looking for some general suggestions.

Thanks

[Croix]

Dear Tim55~

Welcome here to the Forum. I'm sorry you are in your present situation, I'd imagine it being Christmas time that will only make it worse with work shut down and many regarding it as a family occasion.

For an awful lot of folks it is a very lonely time. For others it is a time of financial need with a lot having no accommodation and little food.

Do you think you might like to step in and help those in theses sort of situations? Not only would you be doing things that help others and having a sense of accomplishment as a result but you would probably be working in congenial and appreciative environments.

There are many charitable organizations, St Vincent's, City Mission, Red Cross to name only three. In fact your own church may have something organized too.

For other occupation you can of course come here, our social areas will no doubt be active, one is the

Forums / BB Social Zone / CHRISTMAS 2017/NEW YEARS Chillout Lounge

Where people get together for light chat and the occasional joke.

I've no real advice to give in relation to your marriage. You are probably the best judge. It is a very sad thing when it looks like 30 years will come to an end. Obviously your wife is deeply affected. I'm not sure 'healing' is the right word, perhaps dealing with grief and loss might be better. As you have chosen to undergo counseling I'm sure you do understand what she is going though.

Perhaps in time matters will change. If it was me I'd not press at the moment, however that's just me.

You mentioned adult children. May I ask how your relationship is with them?

You are welcome here

Croix

[tim55]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for answering.

I have thought about the option of helping out at a Christmas lunch. I am in Canberra and there are some of these events but they are well cared for as far as I can see. I am at least fortunate to have a roof over my head and enough to eat. I have held off volunteering as the situation with my wife and family has been pretty volatile. Two weeks ago it looked like we might reconcile, for the 2nd or 3rd time in 4 months.

My wife is deeply affected, she is traumatised. I have great concerns she is not being treated for the trauma. The current low time between us is the result of a few words that was enough to trigger memories of my incredible betrayal. Yes it was all my fault and I have deeply hurt her. I can try to understand what she is going through, but it is so much I would be fooling myself to think I understood.

I am just praying that we might reconcile. A while ago I begged her to take me back, but it is not the time to do that again now. Time is going to be necessary and patience on my part. That is really difficult. I love my wife despite what my actions say.

My adult children are completely on my wife's side. My youngest who discovered the pornography on my phone pretty well hates me, I've destroyed her final semester of Yr12 and her 18th birthday. My son has told me not to contact my wife because each contact upsets her at the moment.

Today has been a pretty low day and I'm off to my home to clear out the rest of my stuff now.

I will get through this and I will not fall to my foul previous habits, but it is going to be a battle.

Thanks again for replying and I will check out some of the social pages.

[Croix]

Dear Tim55~

Yes it is a very difficult time, but getting on top of your addiction is a pretty impressive feat.

I don't know but would think 30 years counts for something, there is always hope.

With Christmas, if it was me I'd make efforts now in the volunteering world or some other activity to cover the whole period. If circumstances change you can always cancel. I'd not like to think of you completely alone during the festive season

Croix

[tim55]

Dear Criox,

Thanks for the concern and the kind words about getting on top of the internet porn. While I can accept that as an achievement, it does not bring much in the way of joy.

Well after the conversation with my wife tonight, I can make plans to volunteer with some certainty. Or make some other plans.

Part of the problem with a 30 year marriage with a compulsively lying pornography addict, my wife feels betrayed for 30 years straight. It is going to take some time, if at all. She feels like she doesn't know who she married and that anything that was good has been effectively cancelled out. At the moment all I can do is pray and hope.

Now I am cut off from my wife and my family and I don't feel I will be able to show them I have made the changes, and even if I could, it may not be enough to get my wife over the huge betrayal that can never be undone.

Its a really difficult not to be self pitying. I need to be able to talk about what is going on and not wallow.

[geoff]

hi Tim, I'm sorry but you are in a very difficult situation here, being married for 30 years is a task by itself, but many people have done it and even beyond, double that time, but for this to happen it takes trust from our spouse/partner, however your daughter has caught you out, sending a chain of reaction down through all your family.
I'm not sure that you should try and rush back, I think that you need to continue your counselling, because if you return there maybe tests set up by your kids to test you out, and they are only doing this for the protection of their mother, so you need to overcome this addiction before deciding whether you are allowed back home.
Your church maybe able to find you somewhere to live, but you will know yourself if you have been cured, no one can tell you, so you have to prove that you are able to stop this addiction. Geoff.

[tim55]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for the wise words.

I moved out of the family home for a little while and then moved back as things between my wife and I improved. Things went down hill again and I have moved out to a share house that has been very good.

There are two things at play with my wife as far as I can tell. First, my wife is, understandably, having a hard time dealing with the constant betrayal that has been present in our marriage. There was hardly a time when I was completely faithful to her. Second, I have woven such a fabric of lies in our marriage. When I talk with her I believe I am being truthful, but she does not see it that way. Little slips, thinking one thing, saying it and then realising and admitting I had made a mistake are all lies. My wife has said she loves truth more than she loves me. Truth in her view is very precise and exact.

So rebuilding trust is very difficult and at the moment. I love my wife and my family. However, she believes I could not love her and do what I have done. The other factor at play at the moment is that she does not feel she can heal and be my husband.

I think I have beaten this addiction, but deciding that is true is arrogant, if not dangerous. An addiction is to be wary of for life. I will be continuing with my counselling and attending 12 step for some time.

I have a long way to go.

Thanks Geoff.

[geoff]

hi Tim, and thanks for getting back to us, and I know that you love your wife and family, however to me there are mountains that you have to overcome, and may I quote from what you said, and before I mention these, please remember that I'm here on this site to answer problems people have asked us for help, so I'm neutral.
You have said 'constant betrayal', and 'There was hardly a time when I was completely faithful to her', so you have to realise that not only she, but also your children have to try and believe what you are saying.
I know that the security of having the family together means the world to you, it did for me as well, but my depression and self-medicating with alcohol while I was in depression destroyed my marriage of 25 years.
Now I only drink socially, it's a lesson I will regret, but still in contact with my ex and certainly in contact with my 2 sons everyday of the week.
It's hard to know whether an addiction is over because in difficult times it could return, mine hasn't for over 14 years, and I know that I medically can't, so that's the best reason, simply because I will have seizures.
Tim I'm only being honest here, but I hope you can see what you have to prove to your family. Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi Tim, welcome

I am pleased Geoff and the others , with so much experience, have replied.

I've read your story. I'm feeling some compassion towards your situation because everyone deserves a chance and some forgiveness. However others effected also deserve/need time to heal if it is going to happen.

You have your faith, that's good. Can I make a suggestion? For several days pack up your can with some essential items and go camping. You don't need much "stuff".

Google

Topic: cheap recovery idea, camping- beyondblue

During that time in this festive season, you'll meet other people at camping grounds. Those conversations will distract your thoughts. Take your bible and feel depth within. Seek your forgiveness and be alone most times to find your inner self.

I had several other ideas

Google

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

At this point, with all the conversations going on I'd wipe xmas time off as a possible good time. It's too late for that in that a bad energy will fill the venues. We might enjoy 90 xmas's in our lifetime....one or two bad ones isn't such a big deal is it? Let's swallow that. Lets concentrate on a few other things-

- that you cant control other peoples rage and level of forgiveness

-that you "fell into" this addiction and you needed a jolt to run out of it

- that your child/children will always have you as their father. The time taken for them to "come round" might be long but they will in time.

- that we are all flawed individuals and you have beaten yourself up enough

The last thread I ask you to read is in reference to 1996 when my world came crashing down. I hope you enjoy reading it.

Topic: the best praise you'll ever get- beyondblue.

If you go camping enjoy your campfire and make sure you inform people where you are going etc. Try to be level headed and seek peace.

Tony WK

[tim55]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your candour. I'd like to think I understand the mountain. Part of me is already realising it may just be too big for even the most loving, forgiving and gracious people to be able deal with and take me back. Another part of me is praying and hoping for a miracle. I have so much to prove to my family and I don't know if I ever will.

I remain concerned about my addictive behaviours. I have seen them at work already. I've been sexually sober for over 100 days. But in that time, I know I have had small episodes of self medicating with alcohol and food. Nothing out of control, but moments that tell me I have to be very careful indeed. I expect the coming Christmas period is going to test that. I have vowed that I will not go back to pornography and am working very hard on that. My wife has said she believes I am sober. A slip in this area will definitely finish off any hope of a marriage.

Its truth I have to prove with her. Over the past 100 or so days I have had contact with my wife and family. She has seen who I could be and liked that. Lack of truth and memory of what I have done then overshadow those feelings and I have no doubts about the size of that mountain. The difficultly is not what I have to prove to them but how I am going to go about it, if I am not to be part of their lives.