I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

still waiting... goodness sakes... they dont give a crap...

[HamSolo01]

Didnt go in

Took way too long at the reception.... others going in before me...

My dad rocked up though so i got a lift back.

Probs going to ring the services team tomoz though

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry to read you are in a really bad spot right now. I thought from your other post that you were in hospital, not waiting to go in. The waiting line can take ages.

I just want to say, you can get through this... go back and read some of your posts from a few weeks ago, you have times where you go down and then come back up and are so positive and fight everything head on, I find reading those posts shows you can get back to that mindset.

We are here for you and care about your well being.

My best,

Jay

[HamSolo01]

hey jay

thanks again man

This morning i feel a bit better. But still pretty low. I'm just so over putting on a facade. I'm done with fake it til you make it. I'm just losing interest in things.

I've begun to notice that i feel inadequate by default now. It's hard to counteract. I have to admit i still feel like a loser and a failure. Whether or not its true is besides the point... because its a deepseated emotion thats seemingly going nowhere.

I wanted to talk to a psych about this whole relationships/sex thing that keeps coming back. I feel like that is forming the basis of a lot of it. I just don't know how to change that. When you approach life from the perspective of a loser then you begin to be convinced that you are. I'm as sure as the sky is blue that i am one. I look at my facebook photos and just see a loser. Im not saying i AM im just saying i see one. I think this is what people see. Its almost like its so clear to me. I just see this dopey looking loser.

I've spoken about how people look at me yeah? well i think that when they do they must be able to see it.

I feel like friends dont care either and will soon start leaving as well...

whats even more annoying is that i witnessed a domestic the other day.. he had no right to yell at his gf in public.. then im here just some loser who hasnt got a gf. I dont think i can stress the importance of this in mainstream society... it makes you or breaks you.

anyway i need to study today

No point trying to get help. Its all the same.

[BenignSky]

Hey,

It breaks my heart that you're in a world of hurt. I can't offer much but support and as much love as I can give. I wish I could do more for you.

Did you say in the Friends Cafe that you were looking for a male psych to discuss the relationship and sex situation you're struggling with? I think that'd be a good idea; females just don't get male needs and wants sometimes, you know? So maybe talking to a guy might be more beneficial for you, but it is still good to get a perspective from the opposite sex.

Being a young person and having no relationship and seeing everyone in a relationship, having sex (not seeing but you get what I mean I hope), flirting, going out, public displays of affection, your friends having someone they're talking to or getting along with...it's hard. And being the loving person you are and just wanting to be loved and love, seeing a girl being mistreated in public...of course it would anger you. There's sweet and genuine guys just like yourself who get completely ignored. It's awful that's the case.

You deserve love, and it will come. As I said, you're a pretty cool guy, you're interesting, you have a unique perspective on life, your metaphors are crazy, you're intelligent and so sweet to everyone you've helped on here. You're incredible, okay? I don't think you're a loser, and if I saw you, I don't think I would either. I think I'd see a really strong and resilient guy who's hurting but still fighting. Someone I want to know. Someone who has heaps of stories, both good and bad, and a guy who has a lot to offer to the world.

I don't know what it's like to be a 23 year old guy, or a guy at all, I don't know what it's like to have anxiety and depression and miss out on opportunities. I don't know that, and I'm not going to pretend I do. I do know what it's like to be single, have all your friends leave or believe they will, to not love anything anymore, to feel worthless, to feeling like you will never get a relationship...I know how that feels and it's horrible. And hey, it's normal to want sex. I get what you mean when you talk about relationships, just maybe in a different way seeing as I'm eight years younger than you and a female, aha.

You're valid. A girl will come along and steal your heart away.

And that girl will love you just as much, and your pain will ease.

You're strong, Mitch.

I'm here for you, okay?

*cuddles*

- Em

[james1]

Hey mitch,

awareness is a real double edged sword and you're in a lot of pain right now.

I wanted to remind you of something you said on the previous page:

"Psych was okay today. I do feel like ive made progress, its just at times i feel like im leading myself on. I dunno i guess.. just depression and anxiety in a nutshell i guess right?"

Now, I know it's not a super happy quote, but you made some really good observations there.

First- one of the hardest things about recovery from depression is that you feel like you're leading yourself on. That things will be crap anyway, so why bother right? may as well just stop trying and drop the act.

Second- this is just depression trying to basically save itself and stop your recovery. It is not true, even if it feels true and painful.

We can see that you're vulnerable and upset and exhausted and in a lot of pain. But that other thing you said - "I do feel like ive made progress" - is so very true. You've made a lot of progress.

So lets go back to that very first thing - "psych was okay today" - this is something you feel like has helped, and you want it to help you with the relationships and sex thing. This is good. You are trying hard to get help and support, and recognising that you do deserve it.

And the best thing is that in that little quote from Friday, you showed that awareness of what was happening. It's just very tiring to keep it all going and sometimes all we want is just to lie down and stop.

That is okay. We're here to help pull you back up again.

[Quercus]

Hey HamSolo01,

You sound miserable even though you said today you feel a bit better. A lot of what you wrote in your last post hits home. I wrote almost the identical words a few days ago. That I'm just waiting for the inevitable that my husband and family and friends will leave me.

Another member said to me that I don't see myself as others see me. He was right. The same goes for you HamSolo01. When you look at yourself and your qualities and what you have to offer another it's through the eyes of depression and anxiety and low self esteem and low self worth. But that's not what others see.

Maybe today when you are feeling so down ask someone who loves you for an honest opinion. Tell them you can't see any good in yourself and you want to know what they love about you. Then write it down and pin it up. As a constant reminder. If someone gives you a heartfelt compliment... Add to the list. And keep looking at it when you feel crap about yourself.

The good things are there HamSolo01 you just can't see them right now. So talk to someone you can trust and ask. It does help.

As to the relationships.. it's connected to how you feel about yourself I think. You sabotage yourself... By not trying.

Please put yourself out there and try meet new people. If you keep to yourself and keep the same routine how are you going to meet someone? It doesn't matter how you go about it online, hobbies, classes or work but someone new isn't going come to you. You have to try.

You don't have to love or even like yourself. Just trust that others will. The list above from people you value reminds you of that. Confidence is appealing but not everyone is confident. I'm not. But putting yourself down and belittling yourself is a turn off for the right sort of people. You'll either attract someone who wants a mother (been there) or someone who sees vulnerability and will hurt you (been there too).

I've learnt the hard way to accept there are things that are important to me in a partner and not to compromise on those things. The funny thing is that others see that as confidence and admire it. Hubby told me once the thing that drew him to me online was that I was bluntly honest about what I wanted on the profile. Put myself out there in a way I saw as utterly bitchy because I was scared to try. But he saw it as someone who knew what she wanted, demanded respect and offered the same in return and funnily enough he wanted the same things.

What do you think?

[HamSolo01]

hey all, thanks for your helpful insights

I've rung the acute care team and they are gonna be contacting me daily over the next few days. I have the group therapy counselor personal assessment tomorrow morning and then my exam in the arvo (so i will be getting out of the house and seeing a person as well, but then still doing an exam which im freaking out about - not because of the exam itself.... but like the subject itself because it carries memories of lectures and stuff where I've been socialising and all). It's weird.

Thursday I'll be seeing the new psych. The male one. Friday my other one. The acute care team said they will contact her about today's call and yesterdays episode at the hospital.

All that said, I still feel crap. But I guess that's how it has to be. I've made the effort to book in he appointments and such and that's a good thing. I'll certainly go. I was thinking about this before... why do i keep pressing on? Why do I keep seeking help? Because i see value in living and life. Just a thought. That's all it is atm. I still feel crap and sad, but at least that's something. There is value there... somewhere deep down. Anyways...

@em - thanks again for your kind words 🙂 You are a kind soul. It was strange when i saw that happen you know... i almost felt compelled to intervene... i reckon i would've if he left and she was still there. She drove off though. I'm simply saying it was a compulsion. The whole thing about how it effects my own view on myself is a seperate matter entirely. Mental health is the worst..

@james1 - thanks 🙂 that sounds like what i'm talking about that lies down deep within me.. I'm on the correct path after all.

@Quercus - a friend of mine asked me how i was today and i told her the truth and she said that she was there for me. She's cool. A good mate 🙂 And my other friend who goes through this stuff is the same, she's a good help. For someone who claim to be terrible with women.. I have many female friends right? lol.. yeh anyway idk about the relationships thing. Guess that's the point of the new psych hey? I think you are onto something about not trying, but the reason i don't "try" is because I don't feel deserving or worthwhile.... YET. Keyword "Yet". I'm working on that. Plus boosting my social circle is really difficult atm.. I'm trying to work on that but it's hard.

Thanks again guys. It's tough atm so I'm not gonna sugarcoat things, I'm on a good path i guess.

Wish me luck in my exam, ill need it ha

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Good luck in your exam. Glad to hear you have appointments lined up and are taking care of yourself.

I think if you wait until you feel good enough and self confident enough you'll be waiting forever pointlessly. Just put yourself out there and make friends and enjoy yourself the way you are (you don't seem to struggle with this). We all doubt ourselves. That doesn't go away we work on it.

But my point is there is nothing wrong with you. You are the way you are. And that is ok. You don't need to change how you are or how you act. You are absolutely fine just as you are. If you doubt that look at the post from BenignSky. That post is full of compliments and she sees you talking honestly about how you are at your worst.

I can't see you judging a girl for having a mental illness as long as she is taking care of herself so why are you judging yourself? So what if you have issues? That doesn't mean you can't find love.

Anyway maybe just focus on getting through the exam and then you can think it all through 😊.

[HamSolo01]

Tonight I feel horrible

I'm just wondering what the hell it is I have to do to make my life better you know?

Even coming on the forums here to seek help..... it makes me feel like a failure. It actually makes me feel like I've screwed up THAT BAD that I have to come here to seek help. I feel like a loser. There's just a lot of emotional stuff going on and I feel like bawling my eyes out. Even as I'm writing this I'm getting tears in my eyes. I'm just SO ANGRY at myself. I wish I never changed schools. I wish I never got involved with religion. I wish I actually did something with my life in high school to make it easier on me now... I wish I wasn't such a fraudulent child. I wish I worked part time while in high school to support myself at uni.. I wish I grew a pair of balls and asked those girls I found attractive out for coffee in first year uni... I wish I played a team sport to develop my physical health and mental wellbeing in order to make friends. I wish I hadn't ever been diagnosed and just sucked it up and put up with it. I honestly think at times that had I just got on with the job at hand then things could've been SO much better. I wouldn't be where I am now. It actually feels like I've created this entire thing by way of inaction and stupid decisions. I was never assertive, I was never confident and I've always doubted my own abilities. I don't deserve anything. It just feels so overwhelming. Why can't I just be normal you know?

It just sucks so much. I'm getting ongoing treatment and everything. Even considering going off my meds on the weekend, but I stopped myself from doing that. Stayed on them. I just hope that the light at the end of the tunnel gets closer soon because I feel like I'm going to fall through the ice into the freezing cold water underneath.

In an attempt to make myself feel better here are 2 good things that happened today. I found out that I will be doing that volunteer thing at the airport (Which is good) and I feel like im on top of my mental health despite the fact I feel the worst I have in ages.

The default crappiness is still there. How desperately I crave some sort of change, how desperately I crave a button to press that could reset the course of history so that I would be much happier now. How desperately I have craved the warmth of a romance, the happiness of wealth and the enjoyment of friends. Everything is tasteless, dull and void. But there's a small hope. I hope it lasts.

Thanks