I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[HamSolo01]

Well today started off okay. But then fell into decline.

Idk. I'm just feeling really lonely and anxious today. I feel like that kid on the playground who no one cares about. I had this experience at the start of year 5. It feels like ever since i changed schools in primary.. that it was inevitable this was all going to happen.

Right now the whole thing seems like its too big to handle. Its making me so emotionally exhausted and then it just snowballs. I feel like it must be bad if i have to seek help from these forums whenever i feel bad and depressed. I dont mean that in an offensive way either.

There have been instances in the past week where i have simply felt like breaking down. It feels like i should be happier. That i should be better socialised. That i should be working. That i should be doing all these things. If i only i had these things i wouldnt feel so bad.

Im regretting my uni course and im regretting ever trying to get help. I think sometimes if i just sucked it up and got on with life would've developed.

Friends have abandoned me and my closest friends are moving on with life. Now im just on my own again. Feels like ive wasted 4 years where i couldve pursued my career. Instead of that.. i will be forever caught in in this depression and anxiety. I can really only remember negative things about myself. I hated how skinny i was, i hated how i was always worried about religion, i hated how i was never good at music, i hated how i couldnt study because i always had bad classes. Feels like my childhood will now just dictate who i will be i life. No questions asked. Cant change it now.

Its just too overwhelming to make any changes. Nothing works. I honestly think is what makes me depressed. All these missed opportunities for a good life.

The relationships thing still bugs me heaps. I know i keep going on about it but im just sick of it. Being a 23 year old guy in my position sucks. There's no negotiating that. What's worse is that I shouldn't be. I can socialise but i always second guess EVERY thing that happens. I might look okay.. (but if im a boring person which i think i am tbh) it counts for nothing.

Anyway i need to sleep now. Too exhausted.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

I will write more soon I'm sorry. I'm in a weird place right now. But am thinking of you.

Sleep is a good idea. I find sometimes it helps when I am low or lost just to rest and try again in the morning.

You have made a lot of progress and changes lately so it's not a surprise that you've hit a bad day. I find some days (like today) I want to feel better now, implement changes and have immediate effects. No patience for my life as it is. I want to change now! To live now! I feel like I've been waiting all my life and waiting and waiting. And my mood plummets because I feel like a failure.

Sound familiar?

Those days I get overwhelmed that I've achieved nothing, have no life, am boring and worthless. I feel angry at my past. Wasted years believing abuse was all I deserved. Doing a degree I don't care about because I am determined to blend into the wall and be nothing. Achieve nothing. But in the morning I will review these thoughts and I'll realise the moment of distress has passed and I'm ok.

You have achieved. You have people who care for you. You're recognising in yourself that you need rest and to recharge ready to keep making thise steps forward. When is your psych appmt? Time to make one soon and get back on track. It will be ok HamSolo01 just hold on through the crap moments and keep trying and trying again.

You're not boring. But you do sound bored. Sometimes I get like I am now because I know in myself I am stagnant and bored. I need to shake things up and examine what the factors are in my life that are causing me grief. For example my default is peacemaker/carer. So if I'm not careful I let people walk all over me. And then get pissy and resentful. Not their fault because I am allowing it. So time to look at my needs and make some changes to fill my needs and get rid of the routines that are harmful.

Also don't apologise for repeating anything. Issues repeat because the hurt is there. And there's no point avoiding the topic just to appease others. This is your thread. Plus we know you are trying to feel better and you have made progress. You will meet someone HamSolo01 it just sucks on those days where you're done with being patient. I do understand that.

Take care and hope you feel able to start again after some rest.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Hope today is a better day for you. I wrote a post which is mod still so will wait and see if it gets through. Hope so I kinda wanted to reread it my brain was a mess haha.

Take care of yourself ok and try be gentle to yourself too. You're being hard on yourself again. Little steps all around today. We'll get there 😊

[Scott76]

Hi Ham,

You have one crucial thing going for you: you seem to love Star Wars. I know it sounds weird but over the last couple of years waiting for those movies has given me something to look forward to. Maybe that can be something for you to look forward to as well.

Finding someone can be hard. I don't really know how it works nowadays but I met my wife in a chat room many years ago. I had had a bad run of internet inspired dates and was ready to throw my hands up in the air and give up. Don't stress too much about the 23 year old virgin thing - I was in a similar position (plus a few years) and eventually in the end it doesn't matter (easy to say from hindsight I know).

I agree with your thoughts about lists. Other than s change in meds the thing that has helped me is to get myself a really solid routine. In the morning I have a few cups of tea and check all my favourite web pages. Then I get out and do the errands. I don't do a weekly shop so that I can go to the shops each day and get the food for dinner. When I get home I get on the treadmill and listen to podcasts for an hour while I get a real sweat up. After that I shower then read for a while. I find my anxiety goes up when the family comes home from work and school so that's when I do the dinner preparation. Then after dinner I watch a movie - I'm trying to work my way through the top 100 films a published by the Hollywood Reporter.

I guess it's a pretty insane and tight routine but it's really helped me.

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry that you have hit a bad patch... I feel this is anxiety just running riot on you, constantly overthinking everything and always having the What If's in the back of your mind. Believe me, I know because I have been there. When I read your last post I couldn't help but connect with it, because it all seems familiar with my life. I experienced the same things through school, I always struggled to make friends, I was always the odd one out and weirdly enough, I left primary school in year 5 and went to a new one where I just didn't fit in at all and it sort of spiralled there, I seriously have pondered if my life would of been different had I never changed schools in year 5. You can see why I connect with your posts. I have been there mate but I am telling you, it gets better and it will get better. Difference is, I never seeked helped for my mental health until I was older, if I had seeked out the help like you are doing at 23, things quite possibly would of been different for my mental health these days, maybe not, who knows but I never tackled my anxiety from when it started.

I like the fact you are looking at doing more tutoring, it is your strength so use it to your advantage.

On your point about using the forums when you are upset and what not, this is exactly what they are here for, you are doing the right thing by venting here, having a outlet is key.

How has your weekend been? What's on for the week ahead?

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Just popping by to check you're ok?

Hope to hear the clouds have lifted even a little for you today. If not just keep taking those steps forward.

Can't help but hope you're quiet because your out and busy with friends or on a date 😊.

[HamSolo01]

hey

past couple of days have been rough

struggled to eat and stay awake..

ive gone from a big eater to a small eater.. its worrying me tbh.. just adds to the anxiety..

Uni is finishing soon so that may help..

I'm just sick of the facade i keep putting on

Day in day out there is a feeling of inadequacy and depression that i will be on the scrapheap of society.. all that wasted potential. I know its crap but its the raw feeling im talking about. I dont give away much of an emotional streak i dont think but i do closely associate with emotions.

I believe i have high expectations of myself in both positive and negative senses.. i guess its just a case of striving for the positives and refraining from the negatives..

Its weird how we do that hey? place high expectations on things. I need to shave some of that off.

Anyways, i could only wish i was out with friends on the weekend. Or that i was on a date. Guess im not cut out for either.

See ya round

[HamSolo01]

im now at hospital (again).Im just sick of it all. So much fakery. Its literally the only place im good for. I could write an entire list of stuff but hey... im at hospital so thats a sign enough isnt it?I will say that im done with my family. Sick of living at home. I wanna move out and do my own thing. I cant. Hospital is good enough. Except for the food.I hate the fact my parents sent me to a religious school. Done too much damage. Hate it. No one cares for me. Sick of being condescended and im sick of crap.I wanna start over and i cant.Anyway.

[james1]

Hey I just saw your post in the friends cafe.

It's good to hear you are in safe hands but I'm sorry to hear you've been struggling.

I know it feels like nobody cares and that's really painful. I just wanted to let you know that we're thinking of you and hope you can get a little bit of peace while you're there.

And yeah. The food is pretty rubbish.

Take a rest/break/time out. You've been trying really hard recently to change your mindset and it's been very tiring. Remember, this isn't a step backwards - this is rest.

James

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

I'm sorry to hear you're in hospital but glad that you're safe.

One thing that worries me a lot is how you said you're done with your family. Why? From what you'd said they were supportive. Helpful. Trying to help. Yes they sent you to the school but I'm not sure why that makes you so angry. I don't think I know enough of the story to understand but that is none of my business seeing as you don't go into it.

I gathered (correct me if I'm wrong) that your family aren't religious but sent you to a school they felt would be good for you. In this school you were forcedfed religion in a way that sounds frightening and threatening.Did they make you stay at the school? Did they know the pain and confusion you were experiencing?

What happened at the school if I can ask. As always ignore me if you don't want to talk about it. Maybe you need to talk in depth about this with your psychiatrist. It really seems to be a painful subject for you but also one you haven't been very clear about.

Please don't give up on your family and friends. I'm sure they love you just maybe don't know how to help or what to say.

Please take care of yourself and feel free to vent and write if it helps you. Thinking of you HamSolo01.