I just feel like i have no chance..

[HamSolo01]

A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.

Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.

As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.

If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..

I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...

Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

You've been quiet for a while is everything ok Mitch?

Nat

[HamSolo01]

hey everyone

I've been a bit off the grid lately as I thought i had an exam today but then realised last night at about 11pm that there is supplementary on the 2nd that can be taken instead. I know of at least 2 other people who are doing similar so if I have that wrong then I'm not alone haha.

I've been okay I guess.

My birthday was on wednesday and i had to go to uni for it. I wasn't feeling overly great on the day itself but it turned out okay i guess. I swear every birthday I have is like that. Went out for dinner with family and that was nice. Had uni as well. Went to my classes, got a bit of study done (only to realise that i didn't need it yet) and saw a friend like normal. Was a nice enough day.

Group support is good - I'm the youngest but that doesn't really bother me because I'm not there to 'make friends' as such. I'm there to get support and hear from people with similar things going on. That's basically what I need at this point I think. Seeing my psych every two weeks. Also have that other anxiety support group next week (once per month and missed last month due to a crappy careers things i went to)

Today I need to get through a list of things and tonight I'm off to the movies and then to a friend's house. Should be interesting to see what goes on. It's a friend of mine I've spoken about in the past. One of the ones who is on my nerves a bit. But no point in hiding from it. I figured just go and be myself.. who cares. Easier said than done clearly but still.. worth a shot

Overall I'm getting on track with things I think.. I hope..

btw Quercus i didn't know your name was nat haha

and PL thanks for dropping by 🙂

[james1]

Hey mitch,

Awesome to hear from you.

I've had a shocker of a week and to hear from you just made my day/week!

It sounds like you've had a pretty social week and glad to hear about the support group as well. Nice work! and...happy birthday!

James

[Quercus]

Hi Mitch,

Happy belated Birthday for Wednesday! I'm glad to hear you have been finding things a but easier (you had mentioned you were worried about your upcoming birthday).

What movie are you going to see? I'm with James in that it is a good feeling seeing you busy and social and helping yourself. Good on you.

Nat (much less of a mouthful than Quercus I suppose 😊).

[HamSolo01]

hey

posted this on the SANE forum I use as well so i thought i would share it here too

"hey everyone
thought i would post a bit of an update of where i am currently and all..
so
wednesday was okay. I had my birthday and i was actually pretty happy
with how it panned out. Had dinner with family which was nice.
Last couple of days have been interesting/not bad.
This
morning i was sitting out on the balcony in the sun drinking coffee and
thinking about where i am at in my life currently. What I have in terms
of skills, personality and such.
I realise i have it good in life
but that its not enough to eliminate my depression and anxiety. I've
also gotta stop thinking "i have mental illness therefore cant do xyz". I
dont think this is a good attitude to adopt, a far better one would be
"yes i have mental illness but lets see how far i can get in my life
despite how bad it gets"
Easier said than done.
Given that this
next week is mid semester break i have a full week to catch up on
reading, start assignments and look for money making opportunities and
internship/graduate offers. I really do not wanna waste it (because its
also the last mid sem break i will ever have ever) so i might hesd into
uni to do that stuff to avoid distraction at home..
Today I am just gonna take it easy. Clean my room as well. Needs a vacuum.
I
am really anxious about next year and money and life in general... But i
guess one nedds to count their blessings. I've opened up a treasure
chest of opportunities by going to uni.. a uni i never thought i would
get into.
A friend of mine had her grad ceremony yesterday and she
told me that i was her first real friend at uni. I was touched by that. A
friend i never woulda met had i not taken a chance in life and gone to
uni.
All this is great to remember but it wont eliminate my mental illness.
I guess i am slowly getting there. One must define success for themselves.. thanks for being here"

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Amazing last post and happy belated birthday for last Wednesday. When you are position and thinking clearly I swear you could write a motivational book about how to manage mental illness, your words are so strong and you have so much passion and energy, it is quite awesome. These outlooks really help define you down the track and know you may never eliminate mental illness from your life but learn how to live with it and not let it control is the key here.

Again, amazing post.

My best,

Jay

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry it's taken me some time to reply. Jay is spot on your posts in a good place are so positive and hopeful.

I liked what your friend said. The fact she told you. Sometimes we truly do not know how important we can be to another person. My friend's bday is coming up and she has no idea that she kept me alive at uni. Unlike your friend I have never been able to share this with her.

Anyway enough about me. How are you? Have you been making good use of your break? Make sure to take some time out from work and job hunting please?

Nat

[Quercus]

Hi HamSolo01,

Just checking how you're doing. You've been a bit quieter than usual. Everything ok?

Hopefully it's me being a worrier and you're out enjoying the rest of the weekend.

Nat

[HamSolo01]

Hey Nat

Thanks for dropping by. I haven't really been on forums lately as I feel too exhausted or overwhelmed to post. Not because of anything in particular but just because of depression screwing me over I guess.

Overall things are okay. They aren't great but they aren't as bad as they have been.

been trying to keep a solid dosage of my meds going for 2 weeks now, been doing relatively well. Forgetting still. I don't know why.

Also managed to get to the gym 3 times in the past week. So that's a good thing too. My goal is to maintain that - just getting there is hard. So I can push myself into that.

Last week I contacted an old colleague/associate from a group i used to write/volunteer with. Turns out they need some help still and the lady offered to help me find some work too. I won't hold my breath because these networking types can be filled with crap. But it's worth a shot.

The intimacy/relationships thing is still getting to me. But I have noticed that I'm more relaxed with people too. Able to make smalltalk and such - like today i remarked at a coffee shop that they were the only ones open in the area and everyone else was shut. This was big for me for two reasons, usually I don't say anything because I'm too nervous/shy/depressed and the girl serving me was also pretty cute too and I get intimidated by that. It's absurd really. But I was just happy I could overcome the hurdle that was there. It's not even something worth worrying about.

I guess I'm really trying to take it one day at a time now. Way easier said than done.

Group therapy is helping me keep a steady track on where I am at.The other anxiety group I go to once a month was on again last week and it was meh. It did help though. I don't mindfulness is something I find all that useful, but only when I try to focus on that present moment.

I've also found some alternatives for next year in the event the graduate offer doesn't go anywhere. They are hard to organise as it needs effort. But I guess it is baby steps now.

Weekends are the hardest when I have nothing to do. But last Friday night I was eating my dinner at home and talking to my sister about how we've had to grow up faster than everyone else around us - due to her sickness when she was younger and my own personal mental health struggles. It was a really helpful chat.

I'm trying to stave off anxiety and panic every day and that is rather hard. Also depression. But my psych said I have been improving 🙂

[BballJ]

Hi HamSolo01,

Glad you had some time to post with how you are going. It's ok that you haven't been on the forums, it just means you have been busy and that isn't a bad thing.

It seems a lot of good stuff has been happening and I must say I agree with your psych, you do seem to be improving a lot and that is great your psych has recognised that as well. Even the little things of speaking to the girl in the café, may seem like a small step but in reality it is a big step and the fact you felt comfortable with it is the main thing.

Another good step is that you are organising alternatives if graduate offers don't eventuate (I am sure they will) but having a back up plan shows so much organisation so well done on that.

I also think it is good you engaged in the conversation with your sister about your health problems, having the ability to speak to someone like a sibling so open about it, is great.

Just remember, every single day is a chance to get better and I think you are doing it very well.

My best,

Jay