I just feel like i have no chance..
A bit of context: im 23, studying full time and i work a little bit on the side as a tutor.
Ive been dealing with this crap for 4 years now and it hasn't exactly gotten any better.
As a result of depression and social anxiety ive had no relationships, no girlffriends, no sex, no nothing. Increasingly over time friends are starting up relationships and enjoying feeling desired. I tried tinder once, and actually met a girl who as it turned it out had a fair bit in common with me but because of my depression and anxieties i was a total mess. I screwed it up.. That was just over a year ago. I still haven't been able to get over it. It was the first time i had actually ever been on anything (even though she maintained it wasnt really a date). The only other time before that was with a girl i spoke to at uni and got friendly with. She was insane. Told me mental health wasnt even a thing.. then she just ignored me and that friendship ended in the dumps. I feel gross, less of a man and feel like i will just be on the scrap heap. Whats worse is that it just gets harder and harder as you get older.
If i have another person tell me i must have it good because im a tall guy, relatively good looking (apparently i am according to some, yet i dont think so.. or else i wouldnt be failing so much) and that "the girls" must like me i may punch them in the face. It's warped too.. when people compliment you on your appearance your immediate response should not be anger... but if people actually knew the hurt and pain... i feeel like i should be out there... or else im just gonna regret my young years..
I just feel so alone. My depression has creeped up on me and my anxiety is through the roof. No use talking to my family.. they haven't learned anything. Im not going back to hospital. Its boring. It gets in the way. I feel like i dont belong there...
Anyway. Feels a bit better to say that here.
Good for you. It is a great thing that you know your own mind. What matters to you and what doesn't. What you want to do and what feels wrong. You can make your own mind up.
Personally I'm kind of pleased you weren't struck with my idea because in a lot of ways it sucks and hurts. It was ok for me I suppose because at the time I was broken. I hope for better for you.
So good for you. Wait for someone special. Someone you are comfortable with. You know that is an awesome thing right? It says a lot about the strength of your character.
Glad to hear this new psych has helped. You sound a lot calmer in yourself tonight. It's good to see.
Take care of yourself Hamsolo01.
A few side comments...
Thanks for your comment James I appreciated it. That wasn't an easy thing to write so I was comforted to hear someone else had thought similar.
And Later.. You crack me up 😊 for someone who worries about not having the right words you do brilliant things! I hope your daughter is stable and you are taking care of yourself too!
pretty intense this past week
Today i woke up early... like i seem to do every day now.. I don't know why..
Anyway, I decided I would go to the gym and beat the cold.
It was okay. I had to bail though because for some reason I felt really angsty and depressed.. to the point of actually wanting to vomit.
I jumped in the car and started crying and getting annoyed - similar to how i felt the other day when i made that other post. Just angry and resentful. If I'm honest I'm really annoyed at my parents for sending me to that school. I feel like it did more damage than good. Naturally they will look at the fact I got a HSC and went to Uni... but like there is more to it than that. Those meetings with the biblical counselor really had a negative effect on me and I think I'm only beginning to appreciate it.
When I saw the new psych on Thursday I could tell it will get better. He can only do 3 more due to him going on leave for a bit which is okay. I feel that by then I will have a bit more of a routine in play. That's something I'm going to work on with him too btw.
I've been doing some thinking in the past few hours and I think I'm going to set myself a goal. The goal is that by Christmas 2018 I will be independent. By independent I mean that I will be living independently. I'm taking into consideration everything the psychs and what you've all been saying and that is that I am mature. I feel like maybe it's time I take advantage of that. To be honest, I think my folks would be happy to help me with that. But I would clearly need to be able to support part of it myself. But that's why I've set the goal for Christmas 2018. That way it will depend on what I'm doing, my grad roles etc. I figured that my mental health experience has taught me a good deal of resilience and that is not up debate. I am resilient. No doubts there. What is in question is my self worth and self esteem. That's being worked on I guess.
I saw my old psych yesterday for the last time and couldn't help but think "yeh good thing im leaving" because i really did not like her approach. Had to go though, because of the fee - they make you pay all the cost if you cancel...
Anyway. Got a friends bday tonight in the inner city, then tutoring tomorrow. Airport training on monday.
Onwards and upwards i suppose..
just got some stuff to get off my chest and out of my head
when i saw the psych on thursday he made the point that i have this self awarness element of my personality. I made the point that it either works for or against me, in my case its more of the latter.
As a result of letting this go unchecked/unkept ive ended up in the sh*tstorm that im now in. I have to admit this and its damn hard. Ive had good and bad moments but i feel like when i look back i have nothing ti show for the past 4 or 5 years of my life.
This is when regret, self pitty and self hate kick in. Why? because thats the default status of my mental health. I guess the self awareness is like a ying and yang thing.
Secondly, to go back to what i was going through earlier in the week about feeling gross ugly etc.. i realised i felt like this REGARDLESS. Its like it was a default status. Like what psychs call core beliefs. A core belief list is something im gonna do tonight (actually do, not just say i will). Last night when i was out they were taking photos and occassionally they wanted me in it, but they took it and i saw that i looked cringeworthy. Actually hated it. Its because i see a tinge of sadness behind the eyes. The sadness that has plagued me for so long, the very sadness that im now starting to overcome. I realised this, but later in the night my friend held me accountable to my request to take photos of me (so that id break out) sure enough an opportunity came up and took some. Coz my friend is smaller thn i am we took a photo comparing heights, and we are both laughing. Thing is i WAS happy in it. I noticed that by accepting what i initially saw (sadness) i was able to spin it around and enjoy myself.
Today im at the shops before tutoring a kid this arvo thinking it was good to be out foing something right? i brought a new coat and the girl at the counter was saying how cold it was and she was going to the snow... BOOM there goes my confidence. Two things i CANT do. Afford a holiday and go with friends (due to losing them). But as i sit here writing this eating my lunch the frikin batman music comes on spotify. I had my ears plugged in so i dont have to listen to the noise of the shops... W
What i begin to realise is that in the past 4 years or so.. ive survived suicide. Ive come THAT close. Ive hated myself.. I hated everythinh but STILL got through it. This has come through accepting it.
im getting teary haha..
anyway, point is its working.
You are spot on right... it is working.. slowly and carefully but it is working. You will become that inspiration soon that people look to and will gain strength from knowing you have come out of mental health battles and overcome them, like many great people on these forums have. I like threads like these because it allows people who are afraid to post maybe that there is up and down days on the road to recovery but my gosh with determination like yours, you will get there.
The new psych sounds awesome and I really like the goal you have set yourself. It's very achievable and I do hope you achieve it, the fact you said your parents would support you in wanting to do that is even better as well.
What's plans for this week?
Those last posts of yours were interesting to read. Seriously.. Reread them.
You said.... About self hate and pity...
Thats the default status of my mental health.
I understand that. And you can see it in your posts..
Put yourself down, pick yourself back up.
Negative thoughts, positive thoughts.
Plans to help yourself...then self doubt self sabotage.
When I read your words my impression was that you're almost fighting yourself. I do this too. It is so incredibly exhausting. No wonder you feel teary.
But your strength shows clearly too. Changing your default behaviours, actions and feelings is bloody hard work. I'm in the process of this too. We fail. We try again. Have a good day. Plummet. Steps forward. Steps back. Try and try again. It is hard work but you are strong and you have help and supports around you. You can do this.
Another user Blond Guy says often about not fighting your mental illness. I think this has been a significant thing for me to learn. Have you considered this? You expend so much energy trying to fight the way you are. I do this too. It doesn't help me. It exhausts me. I feel like I fail.
So I'm trying to focus on what things are essential for me to change and what can I afford to let slide and accept. For example I know I need to work on how I feel about myself. It is unhealthy the way I see myself and I sabotage myself by feeling and acting inferior to others. So that is my essential change. Self esteem building and accepting I have needs and feelings that are equally as valid as others. That is it. The rest of it I don't have the energy to fight.
So I'm moody and weird. I say the wrong things am too honest to strangers. I waffle and forget to get to the point. I yell at my kids and my house is chaos. I don't use my degree and am crap at my job and couldn't really care less. I have no drive or competitiveness. I don't call or text my friends for weeks sometimes. I don't leave the house sometimes. I have panic attacks and forget who my husband is. All in all my faults could go on for ages. But you know what? I'm over fighting all of those things. I am who I am. Mental illness and physical illness has changed me and I am not who I envisaged myself to be. But that's ok. My family and friends love me regardless.
The only person who can't see that I'm worthwhile is me.
Sound familiar? What do you think about this?
You're doing great HamSolo01 give yourself a bit of credit for the progress you've made 😊
i think accepting it is a form fighting it in my case
this is because i still struggle to accept it
yesterday when i wrote that i realised that i was indeed on the right path
I did tutoring after and was able to help the student get back on track, went wildly off topic too but it was good. This particular student struggles to accept that they are very capable. Sound familiar? lol
anyway im now at the international airport departures gate, got training for that volunteer thing. Its funny you know as i stand here in the freezing cold, with my coffee looking at the sun's reflection on the building opposite... i feel at peace or something. Like there's still plenty more opportunity out there as long as im on the right path with my MH then things shall work out 🙂
btw there are people who are smoking here and just standing around lol.. in the freezing cold... there are better ways to warm up haha
i think this thread is slowly going to become a diary of sorts
thanks guys, have a good one 🙂
It's funny you mention that bit about just standing waiting with your coffee in the cold and looking at the sun's reflection.
I've had the same thing waiting for my flight to central australia and even the odd moment just watching the sun set over a river where I run.e
I think there must just be something in being cold and in nature that just grounds you in the real-ness of the massive world full of opportunity, rather than getting stuck in our comparatively smaller minds.
You've made lots of progress in the last few years and it's good you've found the right support with your psych.
Remember that each day with mental illness is very long, so while the progress we make each day and each week seems minor compared to how long we think it's taken, it adds up to be a lot over a few months and a year and a few years.
That is exactly what the thread is for, your little diary, your safe place to vent with no judgement, that is perfect and as you can tell, you can have a fair few people cheering you on here. Maybe one day you can read back from the start and see how far you have truly come and I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
Keep us updated with your progress as always.