I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[quirkywords]

Hello Hey jude,

I have been reading your posts and am sorry for what you are dealing with.

Thanks for getting back to us to let us know how you are.

It must be so disappointing for your husband to not be supportive and caring towards you when you are in need.

You mentioned your husband has been having health tests so he maybe worried about that and find it hard to give you support. I know it is unfair because you have cared for him for over 20 years.

You are a good person and you can see by the number of people who have replied to you that many people care for you. Stormcloudz has offered support and suggestions. I notice that you thanked stormcloudz for caring for you welfare. Everyone who posted and everyone who is reading your thread is supporting , thinking about you, and cares for you.

I know you feel so low now and you have been through so much.

Hey Jude, I remember you helping another person on another thread, and that is great that even while you are struggling you are caring about another.

Feel free to post here as much as you like. I too have cried and tried to type through tears, I think it is seeing all those letters and a blank screen that can bring out emotions. We care about you.

Quirky

[smallwolf]

HeyJude,

I do not think that any words I could say right now would help you. When you cry or scream out for help, all you want is to be listened to, and be given a little support. Don't give in the the hurt whether that was/is inflicted upon you or you feel emotionally. But I am listening, and like many other members in this community care about you.

Jenny Lawson is a American journalist who suffers from anxiety, depression etc. and wrote this...

“To all who walk the dark path, and to those who walk in the sunshine but hold out a hand in the darkness to travel beside us: Brighter days are coming. Clearer sight will arrive. And you will arrive too. No, it might not be forever. The bright moments might be for a few days at a time, but hold on for those days. Those days are worth the dark.” — Jenny Lawson, “Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things”

It might only virtually, but let me hold out my hand to you, while you walk in darkness, to look forward to those brighter days ahead.

And if you need to, please utilize the services provided by Lifeline (13 11 44) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Because you do MATTER.

Tim

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude

I am sorry that you are so sad and desperate right now. As Pamela says, we are here for you, and will listen any time about any thing. You can expect support and compassion here. It's OK, you aren't alone.

Don't be scared of hospital. It can be a difficult experience, but as you may have seen from other posts, it can also be a life-saver. If you need it, go. Don't hesitate to tell your doctor, as they may be able to find you a suitable place.

In relation to your husband....I think you are judging him too early, on the basis of a conversation where he may have said things he secretly regrets. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It likely means he is overwhelmed and distraught himself. Some men find this particularly difficult and lash out instead of being able to admit it. He may feel helpless in the face of your distress (especially if he is feeling similar), and helplessness often makes people angry. I don't mean to excuse his behaviour - he should not have belittled you. I'm trying to interpret his bad behaviour with compassion, and understand what may be going on for him. Please don't write him off just yet. I don't know the whole story of course, so please feel free to vent as much as you like on this topic here, we will understand and will just want to support you.

We care about you, and you are not alone. There are many people in the world who will understand your pain. There are many people in the world who need your compassion, profound life experience and support when you are in a better place (you will get there). There are support groups waiting for you (I have made good friends through these). You are not alone.

Please call the helplines as often as you need, that's what they are for. It's OK, giving them a call doesn't mean you will end up in hospital. Please call:

1300 659 467 (Suicide call-back service - don't be intimidated by the name, they are for anyone with your level of despair, give them a call now)

13 11 14 (Lifeline)

1300 22 4636 (BeyondBlue)

If you are at immediate risk of harm, call 000 and the ambulance paramedics will come and help you. You are not alone.

I am so glad you posted, I have been worried about you, and have been checking your thread regularly. You are not alone, there are people on this forum who understand your pain and care about your safety. We are right here, holding your hand.

[HeyJude]

I would like to thank with all my heart Pamela, smallwolf, quirywords, stormcloudz and everyone else who has supported me in this dark time with warmth, compassion, sound advice and understanding. This has helped to ease the distress within me and has kept me here - it's helping more than you know.

Currently I feel quite overwhelmed and confused - this makes it hard to adequately communicate so I hope I am expressing myself properly here. My daughter's life is in a mess due to her bad lifestyle choices, including partners who use and abuse her. She had been taking recreational drugs too much that was causing her irrational mood swings and causing her to lose her jobs etc...and this time I managed to put my foot down as this has been going on up and down for many years and she has put us through hell. We told her she can't continue to live here if she continues to take drugs etc, associate with drug users and partner them. She had to clean up her act or she is out. Some of the people she associates with are dangerous - this was all part of the reason my mind and body is breaking. She said she would do anything we say if we let her stay with us till she gets on her feet. She blows all her money and expects us to clean up her messes....no more. She is trying now but time will tell. She can have rapid mood swings which is causing much stress presently but I am giving her another chance to help herself. This kills me inside as no mother wants to see their child homeless but I knew if we didn't act nothing would change. So now I am hoping.

My husband's health still is not good - now it is suspected he may of had a mild heart attack - he will need to see a specialist very soon. He is also still on 3 monthly treatment for cancer.

We are moving soon and I have all the stress on my shoulders to sell and move. And my dear friend is dying - he has but only a few months to live. The stress is unbelievable - that is why it hurt like hell when my husband called me "a whinger". I just needed to be heard and all I wanted was his compassion at that time. He does not understand this but is good in so many other ways. I love him a lot and he me.

I feel so numb sometimes I no longer feel human. I am still in a big struggle, thoughts scatters and I am still not good, but being here helps. Knowing I am not alone helps. Your posts are keeping me going - they really do save lives. The safes mine. I care about you all too and when better will also be there for you all x

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude

I understand the heartbreak. It's complete, it's total, it's overwhelming.

You do need to protect yourself and have a safe home. It's really really really hard to enforce that with a loved one. I have had to do this too - different cause, but similar situation, and it just about did me in. That situation improved over time for me, so I will hope for you too.

The numbness may make you feel less than human, but it might also be your brain employing a clever survival strategy to reduce the massive load on you a bit. You will thaw out later.

Right now you are in crisis mode, and I know what that's like. Scream, sob, post whenever you need to. We'll be keeping an eye out for you. The rest of the time, keep putting one foot in front of the other. You are actually doing really well given the enormous emotional load you are carrying. Scattered thoughts, numbness, and a sort of physical and mental shock are all pretty normal in a crisis in my experience (by the way, you are making perfect sense in your posts).

That doesn't mean you should not get support through this time though. See your doctor, call the helplines above, post here, find a counsellor, take breaks - whatever helps. It's really important to look after yourself in small ways - this will help you interact with your loved ones too. It's OK if it's just a walk where you look at the trees and sunshine and cry, or sit in a cafe for 15 minutes pretending to read a magazine but not taking a word in. Just any small break from the turmoil will help, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. Don't feel you have to be "OK" when you do this.

I do think your husband is feeling as overwhelmed as you, but he expresses it differently. I am so glad you can see the love between you again.

You are not alone. Your feelings are entirely understandable. You will be OK. You will be safe.

[HeyJude]

Thank you stormcloudz for your compassion and understanding.

You are right, the pain is complete, total and overwhelming. I am sorry you have had to suffer to that degree to understand, but on the other hand I am so grateful for people like you who can relate and who care. I am crying again, I feel like such a failure. The love is still there with my husband, but not like it was. He has no empathy when I am distressed. He saids to me to get a sense of humour. That is actually something I do have. He belittles me when I feel distress - I think the love he has for me is dying and that is the final straw that is breaking me. The love is only for only the better - not the worst.

I feel so alone and worthless. The pain of the latter makes me wish I could disappear. Not sure how much longer I can go on like this. It's already effecting my health and will eventually take its toll if nothing changes.

It's so painful. I have done my best to give and I have been happy when I do so expecting nothing in return. But I always end up feeling alone and worthless and scared, I have since childhood. I don't think nothing will change.

You are right again, I am in a crisis.

The situation at home that you have experienced similarly does do ones head in, you are so right again. The suffering has nearly been as bad as my abusive childhood was. I am so glad it improved for you and I hope it will for me too. It's soul destroying. I just want a normal happy loving family and peace.

I wish I could feel whole and confident as a person. But I feel worthless and broken. I have some compassionate people around me where I volunteer helping those in need - and they know some of my situation and have offered to be there for me. There are some good and beautiful people in the world. I wish I was worthy like them. Worthy of love and happiness. But obviously not. I do feel it for others.

i am so tired of having to push myself out of bed....I just want to lye there all day. I don't see any purpose and know that no matter how hard I try I will never be good enough or worthy of love. I am just too alone and watching my daughter go through what she is, is destroying me. I do believe in God but can't understand why he doesn't take me and spare me all this pain - he knows I am a good person. So why? Why all the suffering? Sorry stormcloudz, I am hurting so bad and in such a dark place. I am finding it so hard to cope with life and I just don't belong. Thank you for easing my pain

[HeyJude]

Woke up feeling desolate and helpless with no hope of a future. Feeling trapped. Just running through the motions - I am dead inside. This is not living.

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude

Sorry I missed you yesterday when you were suffering, I was not online.

Yes, you are worthy of love. We need compassionate and understanding people like you in the world. I need people like you in the world, because you will understand me too.

I will post again later tonight. In the meantime please feel free to post. And please give BeyondBlue a call, just to have another person on your side. 1300 22 4636

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude - just checking on you.

Remember that your worth is not measured by whether you are loved by others. Your worth is innate. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have the right to be here.

You aren't alone.

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude - how are you doing?