I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude

Just letting you know that I'm also still here.

I know you need additional support at the moment, and I have some ideas, but don't want to burden you with practical suggestions right now, as I know those can be hard to take in when you are in the midst of a crisis.

For the moment, lean on us and the BeyondBlue hotline - that's what it's for. The GP would be the other step. Also keep in mind that the Vit D is likely still off balance, so that will be making difficult things harder to cope with.

Please be reassured that people do come back from these crises, and that we can heal from long-term trauma with the support of counsellors who understand. Things are terrible for you at the moment, but one day you will be past this period, and will likely be helping others. I know you can't see it right now, but it's true. We need you in the world, to spread compassion and understanding when you are a little stronger and less grief stricken.

I really do feel for you.

[HeyJude]

Hello stormcloudz, smallwolf and WhiteMagnolia,

Just a note to say how much I appreciated your posts and support. I am in a very bad place. Stormcloudz, I will explain further the situation very soon. My husband never suffered depression in the past - now he is feeling broken and low himself. The gravity of our situation is enormous and quite serious and this on top of everything else is becoming overwhelming for me. I feel I wake up to a nightmare everyday. It's not living.

I may have mentioned I have my home on the market - someone is coming through to have a look shortly - the stress is enormous as I drag my body around trying to have my home showroom worthy. I will reply to you as soon as I get a break from this to each of you. I do really need the support and advice.

Stormcloudz, I would be interested also in learning more about the phone services of beyondblue that you mentioned. I don't require hospitalisation, that won't help my distress, but talking it through with someone may. I know I have to do this in some form very soon as no one human being can endure all this alone. My anxiety levels have numbed for now (as has my emotions), but if they go up to unbearable levels again I may have to go on something. I am trying to avoid this because of the moving of house and side effects - I can hardly keep up now. If I were to be drugged up and zombified the sale would fall through which could see us worse off.

Again I thank you all with all my heart. Your support means more than you know - just to know I am not alone. It helps prevent that dangerous place for me. I will post soon the details as if anyone can show me a possible solution with my daughter it could save both me and my husband. Thank you and I hope you all are enjoying your weekend x

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude

Oh, I'm glad to hear from you, even though you are in a really bad place at the moment.

When our loved ones are in crisis, it is a really desperate feeling. You are right, it feels like living a nightmare. But I would Iike to reassure you that it is possible to get through that, with time.

You and your husband are doing really well to keep dealing with the house move. I understand how much effort that would be taking, and admire your courage.

In terms of support, BeyondBlue runs a helpline that you can call anytime and vent. 1300 22 4636. You can call 24 hours a day. It's not designed for longer-term counselling, there's other options for that. But sometimes it's good to be able to speak to someone and say the things we can't say to our family. They also have a good knowledge knowledge of support services. Call them anytime. You can also talk to BeyondBlue online - see the bottom of this page for a link.

In terms of ongoing counselling, which I think would be good, your GP may be able to access financially discounted counselling for you, at least for the short term. Relationships Australia specialise in family issues and may be able to provide subsidised counselling, call 1300 364 277. Carers Australia can also provide counselling (you are a carer for your daughter) - call 1800 242 636. BeyondBlue provides 6 free coaching sessions by phone or in person through a programme called NewAccess (but talk to BeyondBlue and see whether it's suitable for your situation).

Counsellors vary in style and quality and skills - ask for one that understands both your current and past situations. You don't have to explain it all, just say childhood trauma. Of course a counsellor won't be able to simply fix everything, but they can help you deal with your situation and your (understandable) emotions, and make things more manageable.

If none of those are what you are after, let us know, there will be other options.

Re medication - something to keep in mind is that not all medications make you into a zombie. Some of them correct a problem with the passage of information between neurones (at least that's the working theory). They don't kill the feelings or thoughts - though I know that's what you might want right now. I don't know if there is a medication that would be useful in this situation, because the problem is external, but it is still worth discussing with the GP next time you meet.

[stormcloudz]

Post whenever you can, we understand that you are trying to juggle things and may not be able to say much at the moment. But know that we are all here, hoping that you are OK. When you are feeling bad, remember we are here with you and understand, and you aren't alone. At times like these, get support from as many sources as you can, as everyone will offer something a little different.

[stormcloudz]

HeyJude - just dropping by to send you lots of support and friendship. and post whenever you need to.

[HeyJude]

Hi stormcloudz,

This is the first chance I have had to go online. Thank you so much for your posts and caring for my welfare. I really need it and it helping me. As I probably mentioned before, we were looking at putting the house on the market. We have our house signed up now for buyers that our on their books and have private appt viewings starting this Friday. This caught me by surprised and I haven't stopped preparing the home (it's 50 squares!). I have t had a moment. Yesterday morning as I was busy organising things my husband collapsed. I rang an ambulance and it didn't turn out to be his eart but they are currently testing for other health ailments such as pancreatic disease etc. My daughter was caught up in a domestic violence dispute whilst driving - and she retaliated. She was arrested and if not for our intervention would of been charged with criminal offences. She has an AVO out against her. Her partner is abusive but she lashed back, which was wrong. It's a mess. I have tried to talk her out of going near him but he keeps luring her back, even now. Also my best friends husband is dying of cancer - he is like family to me and they are the only family I have. I feel I am losing everyone. I am so scared and feel alone - I cry myself to sleep. I have to get up and keep going for the inspections - but really i just want to throw in the towel. Your intuition is good stormcloudz, not that long ago I was helping others in my volunteer work. That meant so much to me - i genuinely cared and had so much compassion. This is what I thought I would do for the rest of my life but I am breaking. I am so alone and scared. I don't know how I will get through all this. I am starting to fall into despair..

[stormcloudz]

Oh HeyJude, you poor thing. No wonder you haven't had time to post.

This might seem a bit strange, but one of the most helpful things I was told when some of my loved ones were in crisis, was to remember their strengths. I was seeing only their struggles, and their limitations. Everyone has their strengths as well as their weaknesses even when they are in dire situations. I was reminded of this when you were talking about your daughter. I admit, when you said she lashed out against an abusive partner, part of me was glad to hear she can fight back. I understand that it's not a good situation, but even so...she has a strength in that she has limits and is willing to defend herself. I may be way off base as I don't know the whole situation, but what do you think?It's hard to explain this in a post, I may not be clear on this point.

I know it's scary having your daughter in trouble with the police but please know that this doesn't shock us on this forum at all, and you can confidently expect understanding and support here.

Has your husband had any updates in relation to his health?How is he going?

Post again whenever you are able, and know that in the meantime I will be thinking of you, and knowing what a difficult time you are battling through. I made it through and you will too. In the meantime, lean on us, the BeyondBlue helpline and the other contacts in my earlier post - that's exactly what they are there for. You are not alone.

[stormcloudz]

Hi HeyJude - just hoping you are OK and wondering how things are going. I am thinking of you. If you have time, please let me know how you are.

[HeyJude]

Hi - I am not okay. Presently I am finding it hard to see the keyboard to type as floods of tears mar my vision while streaming down my face. I feel such distress. I have lost my daughter - and now it looks like my husband too. He has been so cold tonight when I needed him the most. I went in the bedroom to speak to him about how I was struggling with feeling so low. He called me a whinger, kept putting me down and belittling me. It was like a knife went through my heart. I just wanted some compassion and support. He was cold, nasty and cruel - he has no compassion for me anymore, no love for me - I was shattered. I cared for him whilst sick for 20 years. But it seems I am just a burden now and serve no purpose anymore. I really thought he loved me. He use to say we were soul mates and would be together forever - and he left me in my darkest moment. The hurt is all consuming. I have lost everyone - what is the point of life now? I now pray to God to please take me everyday. I can't endure this pain and I am now totally alone. How can someone totally alone with not one soul who cares about them conti he to live. What for? My good friend is dying, he has not long to live now (in palliative care. I wish that was me so badly. I just want my unbearable pain to end. I have completely died inside and I don't want to love like this anymore. I am in despair. No loving God would leave me like this. I am a good person but that accounts to nothing. I don't know how to go on - I am shattered and have no one who cares. How can I make a life from that? I have lost everything. I am falling into despair......I would ring someone but fear of being hospitalised is stopping me.

[PamelaR]

Hello Hey Jude

I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing at the moment. It sounds a very dark place for you. To have your soul mate tell you, you're are whinger would hurt so much. My heart goes out to you .

You are not alone Jude. Our community here at Beyond Blue are with you and care about you. Please keep reaching out when you need to if you want. Sometimes people are afraid of now to respond because it hurts too much or they don't know how to respond. Also I know that some men have difficulties expressing their emotion and feelings. Is there any chance your partner could be like that? Rather than not having compassion or love for you any more.

I know when I've been really anxious and depressed that any kind of 'what I perceive to be a knock back' is usually turned into my mind as 'I've been rejected, therefore I'm not loved anymore'. I did this with a friend at the end of last year when she cancelled an outing we'd planned. So for the past 7 months I've been hurting, feeling rejected and unloved. We met this week for lunch and I finally got the nerve to tell her how I'd felt about her cancellation. She was a little devasted to think I thought that.

This little encounter supports my thoughts that - talking, real talking with partners and friends is essential. Communication otherwise becomes onesided and I can become convinced what the other person thinks and feels. I've been proved so wrong in the past that I now, take a breath, stop, think about the conversation and challenge how I think about it. Of course - I always do this when I'm feeling a little better.

At the moment you are hurting quite significantly, so maybe you can relook at it when you're feeling better?

From the little of read of your thread, you are having a difficult time also with your daughter, and your dear friend is very sick. I imagine all this would add to how you currently feel about yourself. And the dark place you are in. It's okay to be there you know because life is hard with all those things happening.

Mothers expect themselves to be perfect, in command and control all the time. Unfortunately that isn't the reality of life.

They also take responsibility for the behaviours of their kids. We all have our imperfections, all have times when we get emotional and have the black dog raging on our back.

I truly hoped I've helped you a little - sending you lots of compassion and love.

Kind regards

PamelaR