I have completely died on the inside - am so incredibly depressed and lonely

[HeyJude]

Hi everyone - I a new to the site. I really need someone to talk to that can empathise and relate. I need to vent. My whole life has been hard, cruel at times, with an abusive childhood and I never really had a chance in life. I have been married twice and although was a good mother my first husband poisoned my children against me so we are estranged. My second husband is more caring but can't help me with the major depressions and anxiety I struggle with - he judges me and gets angry, saying it's bad behaviour.

People do like me but I just can't make close friends. I am the one who gets forgotten about...I am just so tired of walking this road alone. So, so tired. I know it is not normal, but I envy those with terminal illness. I feel for their pain very much though but I always think "why isn't it me instead - they have family, love, friends and a life. It should be me - I would not be missed at all (although I would worry about my daughter from my second marriage being effected).

I am currently doing some volunteer work and others appreciate me but do not realise how much internal pain I suffer. I have "no other family or friends to talk to". I don't feel I have any purpose in life, I feel helpless, irrelevant and hopeless. I am losing interest in most things. My husband thinks my depression is bad behaviour and can get angry, he doesn't understand - does not listen or talk much to me. I am the listener. I am the nurturer who looks after everyone - but I feel lost and in such great anguish and pain. I feel so utterly lonely. I was always there for others and never sought anything in return. It just would be nice to have my despair and pain eased for just some moments if just once someone could listen to me - just listen and not judge. If someone just cared. Not sure I see any point any more. I have absolutely no help. Anti-depressants do not work - I think this is all an accumulation of hurts, traumas, disheartenment and abuse over the years rather than a chemical imbalance which is leaving me feelings empty.

I have absolutely no zest for life. Feel dead inside. I find it hard to get out of bad.

[chrissy1]

Hi stormcloudz

thank u for ur reply, how are u going? Struggling to write at present, just wanted to let u know I care.

take care💕

chrissy1

[stormcloudz]

Thanks Chrissy, that's really nice of you when you aren't feeling good. Thanks for the kind message.

[stormcloudz]

PS HeyJude hope you are OK. Post whenever you feel the need, and hang in there.

[chrissy1]

Hi stormcloudzs

again nice to hear from. Yeah I’m wondering how heyjude is. Do u have ur own thread? If so could u let me know, so we can talk. My tread “I just don’t know anymore” if u want.

take care 💕

chrissy1

[stormcloudz]

Hi Chrissy - I don't have my own thread, I'll pop over to yours.

HeyJude - hugs to you : )

[HeyJude]

Hi Stormcloudz,

You are right - I do need additional support right now. My depression is becoming quite serious and debilitating. I was making a little progress but something very serious ( I am not exaggerating) has happened involving my daughter. I can't elaborate right now as I am extremely distressed. I haven't been able to stop crying since midday. My husband is of no support just now and has stated he feels he is now on the verge of a breakdown after what happened. He is getting very angry and that is also aimed at me which I don't deserve. I have tryed to keep calm and offer calm solutions but he keeps shouting me down. I don't deserve this stormzcloud - any of this. Why can't life give me a break - it's breaking me, it's destroying me.

I have always tried to be a good, loving person - why is this happening? Nothing makes sense. If my husband becomes ill I honestly would not have the physical or mental strength to look after him. We are in such a mess. We are moving house soon and all our finances are wrapt up in it and the expenses our daughter has encurred. So I can't afford a psychologist. I would go to both counselling and a psychiatrist otherwise, I feel I need heavy sedation for a bit. I just don't know what to do. I have given up my volunteer work and the few activities I once enjoyed - I am too low to do them. I have nothing to get up for now. I feel nothing but pain and torment. I feel I need constant heavy sedation to stop the pain - the pain is becoming unbearable. There is just no way out of my situation, that's the reality - I have tried everything and gave my all. My friend I mentioned who is dying of cancer - I wish it were me. I wish I was never born.

[HeyJude]

Feeling so incredibly alone in this - I just see the point anymore of trying.

[smallwolf]

Hi,

I am listening. Not sure what I could say to make you feel better. But I suspect your husband shouting at you is because there is nobody else he can lash out at?

Please remember that you also have all of the people here supporting you in this space. I know that it is not the same as talking to someone in real life. But still...

I also added a poem into a wisdom thread on the forum, about holding your hand through the gloom. And love.

My hope is that if things become unbearable you have the strength to reach out to support lines such as lifeline.

Peace to you,

Tim

[stormcloudz]

Ah Jude, I'm so sorry. I really know what it's like to feel such distress when a loved one is in trouble. I remember just screaming in pain. You are not alone, I do understand. And you didn't do anything to deserve this.

Of course both you and your husband feel terrible right now. Don't worry if you have taken a back step with the depression, it's only natural right now. And the same with your husband, it's not surprising he is having troubles dealing with his feelings. Please, if it would help, feel free to talk to us about things here. Maybe we can give some support or advice. Be gentle with yourself and remember that *anyone* would be freaked out, anxious and despairing when their child is at risk. You are definitely not alone with this reaction.

Please remember that the BeyondBlue helpline is available 24 hours and can hold your hand when you need it. And if you are truly desperate, call the ambulance or mental health crisis team.

Can you go to your GP and explain a bit about what's going on and your current state of mind?

I'm so sorry I missed your message yesterday, I do hope you respond. Lots of hugs and understanding to you.

[whitemagnolia]

HeyJude,

I hope you're feeling better today. Please know that you're not alone in this. I see a lot of support for you on this platform. People who check in and care. I am grateful and humbled by all of you.
I too have gone down this path a few times and am currently pulling myself out of it.
I feel that we give a lot to people, emotionally and physically and so it takes a toll on us. And it hits harder when at the times we need their support, it isnt returned. And so we tend to focus on that and what is wrong and what is bad. In a way we challenge the universe to give us its best shot. Cos what else can go wrong right? and then something else happens.
I have friends but I tend to spend a lot of time alone. And so I dont have many close friendships, or so i thought. When i spoke to some friends about this I found that some were actually really supportive. I have also turned to spirituality. I believe that faith in something gave me hope. I now meditate and practice self love and gratitude. Even though its just saying I love myself , I am 1st, I am enough. I take time out to sit at the beach once a week. Put yourself first. Please believe in yourself. You'll get through this. I am sorry your husband is taking out on you and you definitely do not deserve it. Men tend to take that sadness to anger because its more acceptable. Where we would just cry. I endured it with my my bf and it broke me. I ended the rship only to find out he had depression and thats when everything made sense.
I hope I haven't offended you or anyone with my post. This was my way of getting through it when finances werent there. Please keep posting 🙂